It is so hard without my son

I want to scream,I want to shout so loud that my voice goes up to the sky,up to the stars,up to the God : PLEASE,PLEASE BRING ME BACK MY CHILD! It hurts so much ... Two years is enough! It is so hard...But I am sitting quiet in the dark with broken spirit and heart, with tears in my eyes desperately waiting to wake up from this nightmare called reality...
 
Buba,Goran`s mom

Dear, dear Buba, I often see your kind candles lit for others and think about you and your child.
My heart aches for you.
I haven't lost a child, but I do know that scream you are feeling, and I am feeling it a lot at the moment.
 
Please know that we are all here for you, and will pray and light candles for your peace of mind.
 
Do come back and talk to us some more. We are all in need here in some way or another, and it helps us all to help each other.
 
Much Love and warm Hugs,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear, dear Buba . . .
A warm welcome to you.
Like Jude I have seen your candles often.
I can feel so strongly the heartache of your words. I too, have lost a son, many years ago, Buba, so I can tell you that the pain, it never goes away.
But it can blossom into something more bearable and even into something beautiful if you allow it.
I saw a poem with one of the lit candles one day . . .
 
"Death leaves a Heartache No one can Heal,
Love leaves a memory No one can steal.."
 
You will always have your memories and the experience of having known and loved your son. You have had to let him go . . . it was not something you had control of, but perhaps your anguish over time can become transformed by the love you have for him, into something that honours that love, and gives you peace.
I light a candle for you, and honour your son as well . . . and hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back again and share your journey.
with much love. . .
sparrow

ps.I was looking at some messages on the "broken hearts" thread on the second page in the candle forum. Some of the things said there might help you.
 

everything counts... ♥

Dearest Buba,
 
I am so very sorry that you are in so much pain; your grief is still so raw. My heart goes out to you! Thank you for entrusting your feelings to us. You have been quiet for so long. Your only previous post was a surprise for Leon and me on our wedding anniversary. You have gifted us and others with so many candles! I have been lighting candles for you and Goran but was mpt aware of the depth of your sorrow. I am glad you are able to speak now. Do come back and share your thoughts and feelings with us. It helps to be able to express them. You know this is a safe place, and that there is always someone ready to listen. Goran is so close to you but in a way you would not choose. Talk to him and listen to him. He would want you to find joy again!
 
I keep you in my prayers and in my heart,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you all for your warm words of welcome.I found this website about a year ago.Coming to it to light candles and read posts gave me some moments of comfort and peace.The most important thing I found out here is that I am not alone in my feelings and that all the people in the whole world have the same emotions - no matter where or how they live.
I want to thank to all of you who have lighting candles for my son and me ( group GORAN).The light of those candles warmmed up my painfull heart.
Dear Jude , thank you for compassion emotions you have for me!
Dear Susie , it is strange that this insert of poem I wrote a several times with candles I lighted! This is not my poem , I found it somewhere and copied because I liked it.
Dear Edda, as you said I was not able to speak about my feelings and I found it dificult now,too.But yesterday I felt the need to share it with beautiful people here who can listen and understand.
If some of you would like to read my sad story you can go to site www.avmsupport.org.uk  then go to OUR EXPIRIENCES and find my story named LUCKY STAR WHERE ARE YOU? dated 23 rd  Jan 2007.
With regards to all,
Buba,Goran`s mom
PS: sorry if my English is not ok but I hope you can understand me!

Dear Buba (Goran's mom) . . .
I went to the website and read about your family's story. It is truly a heartbreaking story. I am so sorry for your loss . . .
Candles are lit for you to warm your heart, so that you might know that others care about you and pray for your healing from this terrible thing that has happened to you and your family.
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
Thank you for letting us read your and Goran' story. I am so sorry this terrible thing happened to you.
 
I would like to think that your Lucky Star is looking down on you and trying to comfort you.
 
I will light candles on Goran's page for him and for you.
 
By the way, your English is perfect. I don't think many of us would be able to write in your language!
 
with much Love, Jude

Love is the only way

PS. to Buba . . .
It must have been on one of your candles that I found the poem.
It has been a help to many people.
Thank you.
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
 
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I just had a chance to read it and am so very moved by it. These sort of hemorrhages are quite unpredictable. I don't think you could have done anything to prevent the last one. Things can happen between appointments. It seems Goran had some time to live without fear after being discharged from checkups. This may have been a real gift to him. Why did this happen to your family? There is no good answer. Goran was entrusted to your love and care, and now, I believe, he is looking after you!
 
Do keep coming back and share your feelings. We want to support you in every way possible!
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you Jude,Susie and Edda for reading our familie`s story, and for your candles.
 
Dear Susie, I am sorry for the loss of your son and I believe you that pain never goes away.We only must learn to live with it in the best possible way.Thank you for remainding me that ...relief from grieving is not release from love...We often forget this and let the sorrow to take over a control under us. 
 
Dear Edda, yes , you are right,unfortunately we could not do anything to prevent or predict hemorrhage.After the first one surgery I had a strange feeling deep in my heart that somebody ( Nature , Destiny , Lucky Star , God...) gave us some extra time to be together like a gift.And I am grateful for that!It lasted 12 years and it is my only comfort (if it is a right word on English) that Goran lived through his young age as all other healthy boys did ( going to school,learning,going out with friends,meeting girls,falling in love...).Learning about AVM I found out that many people do not survive and many of them stayed unabled or paralysed after the first bleeding.I personaly know two boys who died ,one(19 years) in my neighbourhood and the other was a son of my colleague from job (22 years).So I was grateful that Goran stayed alive and with no big damages that could have effect on his normal life.
 
That is what my "clear mind" says to me,but my heart aches for my son,want him back and do not want to believe that he is gone forever...
 
with regards to all
Buba,Goran`s mom 

Dear Buba,
Thank you for sharing more of your love for Goran with us. I'm glad you can see that he did have as normal a life as was possible for him, and that he did most of the normal things young boys do. That was a gift for him and you. All life is a gift, every moment is a gift.
 
Goran's gift to you was to produce this beautiful Love you had and have for each other.
 
Blessings and Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Buba . . .
I, like you came to light candles long before I joined the forum. Now I do not know why I waited so long. That you are coming back, makes me believe that you might be ready to begin the healing . . .
I think, like you, that you were given the gift of those miraculous years after Goran's first surgery . . . "Nature, Destiny, Lucky Star, God...". You were given years that might not have been there otherwise.
Your story reminds me to be kind and loving to the people who are in my own life today. There might not be a tomorrow. Everyone's life is precious . . . I noticed in the candle group that Goran left behind a brother and a father as well. My heart goes out to all of you as you work through your grief.
Please, Buba . . . keep coming back. I hold you in my thoughts and prayers
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
 
Yes, it is easier to know in your head what a "clear mind" says, when the heart is lagging in believing it. This healing comes slowly, but, as Sparrow says, it has started with being able to talk about your heartache. The empty space will remain, but it is also a place where happy memories can be gathered. I believe so strongly that Goran is very close to you and wants to comfort you.
 
I keep you in my heart and prayers,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Hello Buba,
I am so sad to read your post, and your story about your son, and my heart goes out to you, I am not even able to think about the depth of pain that this has created for everyone,
 
Buba, I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you all. When my step dad died I wished so hard I could bring him back for my mum, it would be lovely to knock on her door, and see her face, and then leave them as they hug one another.
 
But I cant do that. But you know Buba, their love is still with us. Every where you are, you have your son's love and he has yours.
 
I will light a candle for you all, Godlove
Gina and Jackoryx

The empty space will remain, but it is also a place where happy memories can be gathered. I believe so strongly that Goran is very close to you and wants to comfort you.

...as Edda said . . .
Buba, I keep you daily in my thoughts and prayers
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

 

This was a sign?!
 
A few months ago,one apple was left in my kitchen ,forgotten and I did not pay attention to it for a days.It started to damage,but I left it,didn`t throw it away.After some time look what had happened!You can recognize a shape of heart , not perfect, but still a heart...I like to think that it was a  sign from my son,because kitchen was "our place" to spent some time together. Almost every day, when I returned from my job, while preparing meal, my Goran walked in and we were talking about how we spent our day,what happened in school,and about many other important and unimportant things...
 
PS.My try to post the photo was not successful.Can anyone help me and say how to do it?

Dearest Buba, Yes, this was a sign! Without a doubt. I'm so happy that this happened for you.
These sorts of things happen all the time, but we don't usually notice them. Keep looking and listening!
 
Re: the photos. Lots of us would like to know how to post them!! I hope there is a way.
 
Much Love, and a big Hug, Jude

Love is the only way

Hello dear Buba . . .
In the "post reply" window there is a box just over the text box on the far right that you use to insert an image, but I do not know how it works. Maybe someone in administration would be able to help. I too, have wanted to add photographs . . .
I loved the story of your apple. It is beautiful how such a small thing as that can mean so very much, and bring joy and good memories. As time goes by maybe those memories can take more space in your heart, and the grief will be softened.
I keep a candle lit for you and your family
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
 
I agree with Jude and Sparrow that these small signs happen! We'll see them when we are open to seeing them!
Once a cardinal sat in the tree in front of my window looking straight at me. It felt like a greeting from an elderly friend who loved birds!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Buba, you are a genius! Thank you!
This apple is really quite remarkable. I have never seen an apple spoiling in any pattern other than growing blotches!
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Buba, that is remarkable! and beautiful.
 
How did you manage to put it on the forum?
 
Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Gina,
I wish I had a magic wand,too.But I realized,long time ago,that they exist only in fairy tales...
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts,
 
with regards
Buba,Goran`s mom

Dear Edda and Jude,
don`t ask ME how I did it !It was too complicated for me so my son Dejan did it.
Margaret told me how to post photo,only from the Web.But I wanted to post
a photo from my PC and  didn`t know what to do.
Anyway I want to show this image to you.Isn`t it unusual? And very interesting thing:
the other side of this apple was untouched (looking healthy).
As I could not keep this apple forever,I remembered to take a photo.
 
I just wonder what that little "tail" coming out from the heart can be ? May be a candle
which is burning but up-side-dawn ?
 
with regards
Buba,Goran`s mom

Buba, having an good look at the picture, to me it looks like a little upsidedown person with either a hook of a letter G coming out of it's head. ?
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Buba,
 
My thanks to your son Dejan! Perhaps he could explain to ALL of us how he accomplished the feat!
Young people growing up with computers and all the new technology are so much better in working with them. Keeps us "mature" people humble!
 
Love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Here is instruction for posting photos :
If you want to post a pictures , they have to be on a website in order for them to appear.  If you find an image you want and right click on it, you should see what the web address (url) for it is.  Copy that address.  Then go to your post and click on that little icon that looks like a picture of a mountain and the moon and paste that url into the box that comes up. This is not complicated,but when you want to post your own photo from your PC  too complicated for explane...
 
Ask for help someone younger  !!!
Buba,Goran`s mom

Oh Bubba I think your apple is truly wonderful! I am so glad for you and that you are able to keep a picture of it. It would be nice to frame the picture and keep it in your kitchen!
x
love and light
Gina and Jackory

Oh I forgot, another way of doing the pictures is:
 
If you have them saved on your computer, you can go to a place on the web like "photobucket"; you will need to register, but it is free, then you can download the picture into what ever size you want, and have it saved in your "photobucket" album. You can then click on the picture on the photobucket page, copy it on to your clipboard, and then simply paste it onto where you would be typing a message.
hope that helps
Gina

Gina, thank you! I'm sure Arow or someone told us how to do this once. I will have to try it sometime.
 
Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude,
tears came in my eyes when I saw a letter G and that little person as you said...

Dear Gina,
you gave me a great idea!I will frame this picture and put it on the wall.

PS: Thank you for instructions,I allways like to learn something new but my son who is
      pc expert  has no patience to explain this things to beginners as I am.

with regards
Buba,Goran`s mom

Thank you Buba and Gina for the instructions on posting a photograph. One way or the other, I will try again (in my spare time) to share with you some photographs as well~~
Children and young people are so much more savvy than the rest of us. They have never lived in a pre-computer and television era like the rest of us. In a way I feel sorry for the experiences they will not have like we did.
Ah, the world was a different place then . . .
Do I dare say "the good old days"?
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
 
I am new here and just found this topic. I wanted to tell you that the apple is amazing to me; it looks like your son drew the image of the heart onto the apple~ it doesnt look spoiled to me, it looks dedicated to you.
 
I will take some time to go to your link and read your story the next time I have more than a couple of minutes internet time.
 
And right now, before I log off, I will use my initials KRH and light a new candle for Goran under that group name. I hope you find this post and can view it before the candle goes out. Perhaps knowing your fellow forum members care and share your grief is comforting. I sure hope it is.
 
My name is Karen and I have lost both my parents. Not the same grief as a child, but still hard to bear. I invite you to PM me if you want to "talk" about anything. I can only begin to imagine your pain, and wanted to give you a virtual hug
 
((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))
 
Hang in there!
 
Karen

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Dear Karen,
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts, and for your candle.
I am sorry about your loss of both parents and I know how it is dificult because I lost my mom 11 months before my son.
I had no enough time to grive my mom when tragedy with my son happened.Now I still have very hard times to cope with loss of two very close persons in my life.I miss them both very much and think of them 24 hours every day...But life goes on and don`t mind for my feelings.So I have to fight with my own hard emotions and with every days life problems...
Not easy ...

with regards,
Buba,Goran`s mom

Dear Buba . . .
I hope that you have been finding hope and comfort here.
It sounds like you begin to find a smile here and there . . .
I always look forward to your posts
and  see you continue to heal, grow strong and discover that your grief can be transformed into an even greater love . . .
it is possible.
with much love to you across the miles . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Karen . . .
Your thoughtfulness and kind words are so welcome here.
I grieve for your sadness. Sadly, our parents must leave us for their next journey as must we someday, but they always remain in our hearts. I lost my father a few years ago and felt much loss at his death, but with that has come a new tenderness . . . a warm place in my heart that was not there before. It is the imprint of his love for me.
Do you have a candle group where we can cast a light into your world?
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Lil Sparrow-

thank you for your comforting thoughts about my parents. Your compliments about what I have posted make me feel good about myself. Thank you for that too.

I will now start a candle group for  my parents' memory called

Mary (for my mom) and a second group Vince (For my dad)...I know they may include other people's candles for other mary's and vince's but that is fine with me.
 
I also have a myspace, if you all dont mind visiting that site, which is dedicated to their memory and legacy of love.
 
here is the link to the myspace.
 
http://myspace.com/heilker
 
thanks for your interest in lighting candles for my parents. I do not grieve hard anymore. I do miss them terribly, but I know they are in a better place and my faith believes they are together again. They were separated 4 years because of her death in 2001 and his in 2005. I am very grateful to have had my parents into their elderly years and all the fantastic times we had together. Time has eased the pain of their loss, but my faith also believes that they are in a peaceful loving place with no pain, no suffering, and no worries. Mom had alot of pain and the end and Dad was a chronic worrier.
 
I hope anyone reading this has a wonderful day full of gratefulness.
 
Love Karen

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Dearest Buba, Now I have time to read your son's story. It is indeed sad in many ways, but you were blessed to have had him in your lives while you did. Something so unpredictable has got to be hard to bear for anyone. I will go light another candle, this one for you today, under his group name, lifting you up and holding you in a virtual hug. I hope today is a good day for you Buba.
 
 
 
Also, I hope you dont mind what they call stealing a topic at the other forum I write at. I didnt mean to take away anything from your topic, but my parents got mentioned here so I figured it was ok........

...........Hi all-

To differentiate my mom's candle group from other Mary groups, I made it into MaryH this morning. If anyone wants to light a candle for my Mom who has passed, please look for that group. My dad's remains under the name Vince. thanks

Mom had a rough last few years and I am glad she is not suffering anymore.

Love Karen

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Dear Buba,
 
I will go light a candle for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. My sister died 30 years ago this year and often times it still and always will be painful. Years go by but it affects your life forever. I bekieve remembering our times with them is the best thing to do but sometimes the missing is all I still do. I believe love demands the grief. And we must respect that and honor it in our own way. And my father passed away 4 years ago.. I think that has also brought up memories of my sisters death for me.
 
I read your story and the tears just flowed for all of you. I pray for your healing and your families as well.  I send you love and light. Bring him with you everywhere you go. Honor his spirit everyday in your own unique way.
 
Sending you love,

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Karebear,
 
I went on your site for a moment and viewed your pictures. How beautiful and touching. I'll light a candle for you and your parents.
 
It is different when our parents go. When pain is involved and we can be comforted in their release of this. Though its so hard to be without our loved ones who have always been there for us.
 
Sending you love and light,

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are