It is so hard without my son

I want to scream,I want to shout so loud that my voice goes up to the sky,up to the stars,up to the God : PLEASE,PLEASE BRING ME BACK MY CHILD! It hurts so much ... Two years is enough! It is so hard...But I am sitting quiet in the dark with broken spirit and heart, with tears in my eyes desperately waiting to wake up from this nightmare called reality...
 
Buba,Goran`s mom

Dear, dear Buba, I often see your kind candles lit for others and think about you and your child.
My heart aches for you.
I haven't lost a child, but I do know that scream you are feeling, and I am feeling it a lot at the moment.
 
Please know that we are all here for you, and will pray and light candles for your peace of mind.
 
Do come back and talk to us some more. We are all in need here in some way or another, and it helps us all to help each other.
 
Much Love and warm Hugs,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear, dear Buba . . .
A warm welcome to you.
Like Jude I have seen your candles often.
I can feel so strongly the heartache of your words. I too, have lost a son, many years ago, Buba, so I can tell you that the pain, it never goes away.
But it can blossom into something more bearable and even into something beautiful if you allow it.
I saw a poem with one of the lit candles one day . . .
 
"Death leaves a Heartache No one can Heal,
Love leaves a memory No one can steal.."
 
You will always have your memories and the experience of having known and loved your son. You have had to let him go . . . it was not something you had control of, but perhaps your anguish over time can become transformed by the love you have for him, into something that honours that love, and gives you peace.
I light a candle for you, and honour your son as well . . . and hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back again and share your journey.
with much love. . .
sparrow

ps.I was looking at some messages on the "broken hearts" thread on the second page in the candle forum. Some of the things said there might help you.
 

everything counts... ♥

Dearest Buba,
 
I am so very sorry that you are in so much pain; your grief is still so raw. My heart goes out to you! Thank you for entrusting your feelings to us. You have been quiet for so long. Your only previous post was a surprise for Leon and me on our wedding anniversary. You have gifted us and others with so many candles! I have been lighting candles for you and Goran but was mpt aware of the depth of your sorrow. I am glad you are able to speak now. Do come back and share your thoughts and feelings with us. It helps to be able to express them. You know this is a safe place, and that there is always someone ready to listen. Goran is so close to you but in a way you would not choose. Talk to him and listen to him. He would want you to find joy again!
 
I keep you in my prayers and in my heart,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you all for your warm words of welcome.I found this website about a year ago.Coming to it to light candles and read posts gave me some moments of comfort and peace.The most important thing I found out here is that I am not alone in my feelings and that all the people in the whole world have the same emotions - no matter where or how they live.
I want to thank to all of you who have lighting candles for my son and me ( group GORAN).The light of those candles warmmed up my painfull heart.
Dear Jude , thank you for compassion emotions you have for me!
Dear Susie , it is strange that this insert of poem I wrote a several times with candles I lighted! This is not my poem , I found it somewhere and copied because I liked it.
Dear Edda, as you said I was not able to speak about my feelings and I found it dificult now,too.But yesterday I felt the need to share it with beautiful people here who can listen and understand.
If some of you would like to read my sad story you can go to site www.avmsupport.org.uk  then go to OUR EXPIRIENCES and find my story named LUCKY STAR WHERE ARE YOU? dated 23 rd  Jan 2007.
With regards to all,
Buba,Goran`s mom
PS: sorry if my English is not ok but I hope you can understand me!

Dear Buba (Goran's mom) . . .
I went to the website and read about your family's story. It is truly a heartbreaking story. I am so sorry for your loss . . .
Candles are lit for you to warm your heart, so that you might know that others care about you and pray for your healing from this terrible thing that has happened to you and your family.
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
Thank you for letting us read your and Goran' story. I am so sorry this terrible thing happened to you.
 
I would like to think that your Lucky Star is looking down on you and trying to comfort you.
 
I will light candles on Goran's page for him and for you.
 
By the way, your English is perfect. I don't think many of us would be able to write in your language!
 
with much Love, Jude

Love is the only way

PS. to Buba . . .
It must have been on one of your candles that I found the poem.
It has been a help to many people.
Thank you.
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
 
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I just had a chance to read it and am so very moved by it. These sort of hemorrhages are quite unpredictable. I don't think you could have done anything to prevent the last one. Things can happen between appointments. It seems Goran had some time to live without fear after being discharged from checkups. This may have been a real gift to him. Why did this happen to your family? There is no good answer. Goran was entrusted to your love and care, and now, I believe, he is looking after you!
 
Do keep coming back and share your feelings. We want to support you in every way possible!
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you Jude,Susie and Edda for reading our familie`s story, and for your candles.
 
Dear Susie, I am sorry for the loss of your son and I believe you that pain never goes away.We only must learn to live with it in the best possible way.Thank you for remainding me that ...relief from grieving is not release from love...We often forget this and let the sorrow to take over a control under us. 
 
Dear Edda, yes , you are right,unfortunately we could not do anything to prevent or predict hemorrhage.After the first one surgery I had a strange feeling deep in my heart that somebody ( Nature , Destiny , Lucky Star , God...) gave us some extra time to be together like a gift.And I am grateful for that!It lasted 12 years and it is my only comfort (if it is a right word on English) that Goran lived through his young age as all other healthy boys did ( going to school,learning,going out with friends,meeting girls,falling in love...).Learning about AVM I found out that many people do not survive and many of them stayed unabled or paralysed after the first bleeding.I personaly know two boys who died ,one(19 years) in my neighbourhood and the other was a son of my colleague from job (22 years).So I was grateful that Goran stayed alive and with no big damages that could have effect on his normal life.
 
That is what my "clear mind" says to me,but my heart aches for my son,want him back and do not want to believe that he is gone forever...
 
with regards to all
Buba,Goran`s mom 

Dear Buba,
Thank you for sharing more of your love for Goran with us. I'm glad you can see that he did have as normal a life as was possible for him, and that he did most of the normal things young boys do. That was a gift for him and you. All life is a gift, every moment is a gift.
 
Goran's gift to you was to produce this beautiful Love you had and have for each other.
 
Blessings and Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Buba . . .
I, like you came to light candles long before I joined the forum. Now I do not know why I waited so long. That you are coming back, makes me believe that you might be ready to begin the healing . . .
I think, like you, that you were given the gift of those miraculous years after Goran's first surgery . . . "Nature, Destiny, Lucky Star, God...". You were given years that might not have been there otherwise.
Your story reminds me to be kind and loving to the people who are in my own life today. There might not be a tomorrow. Everyone's life is precious . . . I noticed in the candle group that Goran left behind a brother and a father as well. My heart goes out to all of you as you work through your grief.
Please, Buba . . . keep coming back. I hold you in my thoughts and prayers
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
 
Yes, it is easier to know in your head what a "clear mind" says, when the heart is lagging in believing it. This healing comes slowly, but, as Sparrow says, it has started with being able to talk about your heartache. The empty space will remain, but it is also a place where happy memories can be gathered. I believe so strongly that Goran is very close to you and wants to comfort you.
 
I keep you in my heart and prayers,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Hello Buba,
I am so sad to read your post, and your story about your son, and my heart goes out to you, I am not even able to think about the depth of pain that this has created for everyone,
 
Buba, I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you all. When my step dad died I wished so hard I could bring him back for my mum, it would be lovely to knock on her door, and see her face, and then leave them as they hug one another.
 
But I cant do that. But you know Buba, their love is still with us. Every where you are, you have your son's love and he has yours.
 
I will light a candle for you all, Godlove
Gina and Jackoryx

The empty space will remain, but it is also a place where happy memories can be gathered. I believe so strongly that Goran is very close to you and wants to comfort you.

...as Edda said . . .
Buba, I keep you daily in my thoughts and prayers
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

 

This was a sign?!
 
A few months ago,one apple was left in my kitchen ,forgotten and I did not pay attention to it for a days.It started to damage,but I left it,didn`t throw it away.After some time look what had happened!You can recognize a shape of heart , not perfect, but still a heart...I like to think that it was a  sign from my son,because kitchen was "our place" to spent some time together. Almost every day, when I returned from my job, while preparing meal, my Goran walked in and we were talking about how we spent our day,what happened in school,and about many other important and unimportant things...
 
PS.My try to post the photo was not successful.Can anyone help me and say how to do it?

Dearest Buba, Yes, this was a sign! Without a doubt. I'm so happy that this happened for you.
These sorts of things happen all the time, but we don't usually notice them. Keep looking and listening!
 
Re: the photos. Lots of us would like to know how to post them!! I hope there is a way.
 
Much Love, and a big Hug, Jude

Love is the only way

Hello dear Buba . . .
In the "post reply" window there is a box just over the text box on the far right that you use to insert an image, but I do not know how it works. Maybe someone in administration would be able to help. I too, have wanted to add photographs . . .
I loved the story of your apple. It is beautiful how such a small thing as that can mean so very much, and bring joy and good memories. As time goes by maybe those memories can take more space in your heart, and the grief will be softened.
I keep a candle lit for you and your family
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Buba,
 
I agree with Jude and Sparrow that these small signs happen! We'll see them when we are open to seeing them!
Once a cardinal sat in the tree in front of my window looking straight at me. It felt like a greeting from an elderly friend who loved birds!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!