Dear Xanadue . . .
Thank you so much
for sharing this tender and sweet tribute
to little Austin.
Your love for him
and for your beautiful family
shines out to me,
and I am so moved.
I am sorry that you have had to experience such loss,
and I pray for the day
when you can smile through the tears
and know that Austin is safe
as are we all,
and that you will surely
see him again
and hold him in your arms
with love . . .
sparrow
     ♥

everything counts... ♥

Dearest Xanadue,

It is so good to see a post from you again--Welcome Back, Welcome Home!!!!
Thank you for sharing the song and video, truly labors of love.  May they
be received as the gift of healing love that they are meant to be.  Dear One, you and your family are in my heart and in my prayers.  May your family be blessed
with all of Austin's and Jesus love as they watch over you constantly.

Shalom(May you be at peace in Body, Mind,& Spirit.)
I'menuff

As you travel through life there are always those times
When decisions just have to be made,
When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,
And the rain seems to soak your parade.
There are some situations where all you can do
Is simply let go and move on,
Gather your courage and choose a direction
That carries you toward a new dawn.
So pack up your troubles and take a step forward -
The process of change can be tough,
But think about all the excitement ahead
If you can be stalwart enough!
There might be adventures you never imagined
Just waiting around the next bend,
And wishes and dreams just about to come true
In ways you can’t yet comprehend!
Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new things
As you challenge your status quo,
And learn there are so many options in life,
And so many ways you can grow!
Perhaps you’ll go places you never expected
And see things that you’ve never seen,
Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds
And wonderful spots in between!
Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring
And somebody special who’s there
To help you stay centered and listen with interest
To stories and feelings you share.
Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends
Are supportive of all that you do,
And believe that whatever decisions you make,
They’ll be the right choices for you.
                        So keep putting one foot in front of the other,
                                  And taking your life day by day…
                        There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just down the road -
                                  Don’t look back! You’re not going that way!

Through the ups and downs, twists and turns of this winding path, there has been new friendships, warmth, affection, caring, and comfort. I am very THankful for the many that have been supportive, and not cutting the cybercord that keeps us connected. 
For a year ago, I was a babe in the woods, not knowing direction or how to go on really, and then there was some light of a candle that i found a path, it lead me to this forum.  I read some of the posts and found there are really others out there saying and thinking what i am, as i really needed.  ALl my friends and most that attend my church or work have not walked this experience, counselors could give me similarities or i guess what they learn in a book, doctors could prescribe medicine pills, and Bless them all they tried to understand as they walked with me, they tried to get a perspective, it really is something one just can't imagine.
THen there was this one post that Screamed out to me in volumes- I responded, it was my very first post, (not that I have posted in huge quantity) from that very post, this became my sanctuary to find the next ounce of strength to carry on.  Gave my foot the ability to take another step forward. While to look at me no one can see my injury, there is no bandage or cast, there are no crutches that are visible, but i can tell you looking back over the year, the bandages were from head to toe, and the crutches were leaned on very hard.
Removing of the bandages has been a slow process, taking another step has required much rehab and strenghthening, a concentration of mental focus that no prescription pill would do-sometimes it has required some tough questions to think about,  and lots of Prayers and Support.
Sure it would have been easier to give up, take all the medicines, go down a spiral into a black area, except that I have other family members that share in this life experience too and as a mom I have to still guide and provide for them too just as if Austin was still here, they still need attention too and i had to balance out each one before, so I must still continue that as best as I can.
As I will always cherish the 20 months with Austin, I will always cherish the ladies on this forum who have much knowledge and wisdom to share, who are witty and funny, who also have so much Care, Concern and Compassion.
I am so Thankful for all of you, I am Thankful God sent cyber Angels to be there at just the right time, I am also THANKFUL for those that set up this site and take care of it.
Thank You ladies, or mothers of the heart ♥
Thank You to All on this forum,
WLAP TAG, May you receive God's Blessings each and every day of Love, guidance and wisdom, and always remember the promises He has made to you.
One Day  Someday   Until that Day
WLAPTAG
Xanadue

The Gift of Austin
http://www.totsites.com/tot/babyaustinajr
WLAP, Austin's mommy
http://www.musicalcreations.biz/samples.html

Dear Xanadue,
 
Tears come to me as I read this.
How powerful and real and honest and your heart filled gratitude touches me so tenderly and sweetly. When you speak here I always feel you speak directly to my heart of hearts.
Thank You...you'll never know how much I needed this message today.
 
You are so right we have to make choices and in the best way we can.
And the light and the hope in our futures unknown as we walk/live/breath are often guided by living angels in our lives that help us move on and go on through the loss of loved ones as well as many other kinds of losses. For so often it is not easy to do these things we must do for the others we love. Thank you again for these words today. 
 
Blessings for you and your family,
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Dear, dear Xanadue . . .
Yes,
I know you are in an 'anniversary period' of sorts . . .
you have been very much in my thoughts and prayers.
Your post has touched me,
for in it I can see
that you are still in pain,
but truly,
truly
beginning to heal,
and are gaining wisdom and peace.
You are a tender and beautiful person,
and a 'cyberangel'
more than you know
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dearest Xanadue,
Your post this morning is true gift.  I have copied your poem and it will be used and reused.  So often
poetry can convey so much more of what lives deeply within the soul.  It is such a special privilege to read
what is blossoming forth in the depths of your being.  Thank you on behalf of all those you have been/are a cyberangel to. I know there are many who come here, read, and do not post.  They too may feel as you once did
that no one truly understands and they just do not have the courage to move on until reading your posts.  Your description of the internal healing process is such a wonderfully, truthfully honest gift for all, "Removing of the bandages has been a slow process, taking another step has required much rehab and strenghthening,"  As with any healing, sometimes the bandages stick to the wound and are a bit painful to remove and rehab and strengthening many times is difficult and painful.  You have truly given a pure "cyberangel" example to all who come here of the healing process.Thank you for such honest sharing about how traumatic heart hurts can be healed.

I am sure that "One Day, Someday" you will be in awe when you finally know how many lives you have touched and assisted in their own healing process by being so completely honest about your own struggles.

Dear One, may you continue to be open to the gentle, tender healing love that God and Austin have
for you each day and may you always sense being held lovingly in their arms.Much love and prayers,

Shalom(May you be at peace in Body, Mind,& Spirit.)
I'menuff

Do you Hear Me?
 
Dear God,
 
I’m Sorry I question what I want to believe is true
My prayers don’t always seem to make it up to you
I ask and I cry knowing the power is in your hands
My pain clouds my reason and I can barely stand.
 
Life has little direction as the end’s what I wait for
Nothing seems to matter quite as much any more
Life is filled with motions, people passing thru
I’m waiting for an ending so I can be with you
 
With you I’ll finally know why, I’ll see the truth and more
With you I’ll find my Baby, my Son whom I Adore
So I’ll stay here if it’s your will, this journey of sorrow and pain
I’ll fight to seem normal to others, but the emptiness will always remain.
 
Bless my Family Lord don’t let my pain be a handicap to them
Let them live their lives to the fullest so they’ll find happiness again
I’ll keep the candle burning, the flame burns within me still,
It scorches the emptiness inside me, but I accept this pain if it’s your will.
 
Take care of my Baby boy, till I can hold him again
He’ll always be my Baby, weather a Child, Angel or Man
I’ll hold him the way I wish to every day, I’ll hold him and I’ll cry
There will be no happier moment, no more joyous time.
 
I’ll be ready when you are God, take me up with you
You’ll take care of my family just as you always do
And let them know I’m happy
You, my Austin and me…
 
In Loving Memory of ;
Austin Jacob Grant Roth

The Gift of Austin
http://www.totsites.com/tot/babyaustinajr
WLAP, Austin's mommy
http://www.musicalcreations.biz/samples.html

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ji2rLXr3cEU&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ji2rLXr3cEU&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

A song for encouragement, lift of spirit if you are in a stormy season

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

 1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
       where does my help come from?  2 My help comes from the LORD,
       the Maker of heaven and earth.
 3 He will not let your foot slip—
       he who watches over you will not slumber;


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji2rLXr3cEU

The Gift of Austin
http://www.totsites.com/tot/babyaustinajr
WLAP, Austin's mommy
http://www.musicalcreations.biz/samples.html

Dear Xanadue . . .
You are always in my thoughts and prayers
that some day
you will be comforted
with much love for you . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

A Poem I ran across:
 
“Reason, Season, Lifetime”
 
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
 
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
 
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
 
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
 
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
 
Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
 
— A poem by Brian Andrew "Drew" Chalker

The Gift of Austin
http://www.totsites.com/tot/babyaustinajr
WLAP, Austin's mommy
http://www.musicalcreations.biz/samples.html

Take care of my Baby boy, till I can hold him again

 
This goes without saying dear Xanadue
our precious ones are loved beyond measure
both here and in heaven...
 
Thinking of you with love xxxx
~  
  
    
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Some overwhelment now:
WHile i have tried to keep my focus positive and try to be "normal" or "new normal",  and while I continue over the bridge over troubled water as I call it, since i haven't reached the other side, and now i don't know how i am to handle my mom being diagnosed with Cancer, My son over in Afghanistan has been promoted and moved regions, and now at this time my husband has had enough  while my daughter has had to have a catscan. 
I know it is said He will only give you what you can handle and he doesn't make mistakes, I just don't know how to handle this all at the same time.
I know i will never be as devastated and hurt as i have already been, so i am feeling like a rubber mat and things just bounce off.
While some say with the time factor to move on,  I feel like I am being thrown right back into the abyss, really don't know exactly how i am supposed to be even without all the other balls that are up in the air, i just know i am supposed to keep them all up there, and when i tried juggling along time ago: the balls didn't stay up there very long.
While i have heard that usually things come in 3 and while i am grateful for the time He gave me to try to heal my heart before the next thing, 3 things all at once seems to be alot of pressure and the weight is very heavy.
While i know I am not in control and have learned some about Grace, I feel like the dominoes that were standing are starting to go down one by one.
I know there is a purpose and a plan and I do not know what that is yet, and this was known before I was given to my mother, My Question is Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my Breaking Heart?  Would He come close and hold my heart?  especially since it is in many pieces.

Click to Listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry6udsW9leA

The Gift of Austin
http://www.totsites.com/tot/babyaustinajr
WLAP, Austin's mommy
http://www.musicalcreations.biz/samples.html

really don't know exactly how i am supposed to be even without all the other balls that are up in the air, i just know i am supposed to keep them all up there, and when i tried juggling along time ago: the balls didn't stay up there very long

 
Dearest Xanadue,
You are not expected to keep juggling the balls in the air. Let go of them....let God.
 
I'm so very sorry you have all these new challenges. I don't know why either, that we have so much to deal with all together, and why some of us have SO much.
 
Bless you dear Xanadue, my heart comes out to meet you. I will light a candle for all of you now.
 
with Love and Hugs,
Jude

Love is the only way

Jude is right,
dear Xanadue . . .

You are not expected to keep juggling the balls in the air. Let go of them....let God. 
 

Let go . . .
there are things that we cannot change
and have no control over.
Learning to let go
will free you up for what you can change.

My Question is Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my Breaking Heart?  Would He come close and hold my heart?  especially since it is in many pieces.

Yes dear,
but you must allow it . . .
invite 'him'.
That is the hardest thing . . .
to know that whatever happens,
all will be well.
And this is called Faith . . .
my prayers are with you
in the dark place where you are.
I pray for you,
and your mother,
and your son in Afghanistan . . .
for your husband and your daughter,
that by Grace
whatever is right
will be
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dearest Xanadue
 

handle my mom being diagnosed with Cancer, My son over in Afghanistan has been promoted and
moved regions, and now at this time my husband has had enough while my daughter has had to have a
catscan.

 
I am so sorry once again you face many agonies.My heart really goes out to you at this very difficult time. 

  
 

I know it is said He will only give you what you can handle and he doesn't make mistakes, I just don't know how to handle this all at the same time

 

  
 
It's such a lot to cope with and I can understand why you ask this question.Xanadue for me I feel Jesus/God does not give us any of the sad things that happen in our life .Jesus is love and love will never hurt us not ever. 





 

While some say with the time factor to move on, I feel like I am being thrown right back into the abyss,

 
Xanadue I know myself if something new happens that makes me sad I then too feel like I am going backwards but we are not not at all.Sadly this is life and we can't change things but we can try to carry on the best we can with the help of our loved ones and friends. 



 

I know there is a purpose and a plan and I do not know what that is yet, and this was known before I
was given to my mother

 
I hope you won't be offended by this Xanadue but this is how I feel right now.
 
I asked the same question as you ,why give him to me then take him away.
 
Would I rather have not had Louis if I knew he was going to leave before me?.The answer is no not at all.I would have said yes to this last year but now I have been given a deeper understanding as to  why my child was only on earth if only for a short while.  



   
   
 
Louis came for many purposes and when they were  fulfilled he moved on.Louis made me 'his Mummy' I longed to be a Mummy for years . He made so many people happy, so so happy .I felt what it was like to carry a  child inside of me.I felt the happiest I had ever been in my life.I saw a precious life grow and grow. 

  
  
 
He changed my life forever in ways that maybe he could not have done if he was alive today.Yes I would rather he lived and I do want him so badly but it's for me I want him and my own needs. 


 
Louis still continues to 'give me gifts ' every single day so his life is still living in me and always will. 

 
It's very hard Xanadue and I do feel your pain but for me I could mourn for the next 32 years or be so greatful and celerbate the 32 hours I had my little one forand the months he was in my tummy .It's more painful for me to mourn and so I have to try so hard and be grateful for what was gifted to me. 


  
 
Yes the abyss is open from time to time and I let it take it's course and it hurts like hell .I just have to try and remember the grief is not me and not to try and let it become me.It's easier said than done though as we both know  

  
 

My Question is Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my Breaking Heart?
Would He come close and hold my heart? especially since it is in many pieces.

 
When we are challenged so much we always question the people that care for us.Xanadue all I feel is Jesus holds you everyday and night it is him who has carried you since your blue eyed ray of sunshine went 'home'.He feels our pain because  it's his pain as well.  
 
I think the heading of your post 'what grief has brought me' has helped me so many times Xanadue because every time I read this I see the beauty in my life since Louis was gifted to me..


 
Sorry now if my words seem harsh it's just how I feel.
 
Take good care Xanadue many prayers and good wishes are sent your way daily.
 
Sandra xxxx 
 
~  
  
    

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

      Grief has brought many things: seeing things differently, a new perspective,  hearing things going on here, there or somewhere and feeling open wounds that sting like salt is sprinkled into them. Countless Blessings:
I have lit a candle... Thankfulness to
each of you- while I am silent, I so
appreciate your prayers and
encouragement for Mark and the rest of
the family.  I am so THankful and glad
GOD has blessed me on this journey with
each one of you. May God Bless each of
you with Treasured Blessings today and
every tomorrow there is.One Day SOmeday
it will be a Blessing to meet face to
face without sorrow, Until then I will
keep you in my prayers
WLAP  Xanadue


One thing is certainly for sure,  I would not have found such compassionate people all over, I would not have gotten out of my box- routine life, I would not be so freely sharing, I would still be bound by the chains of wrong focus, I would not be who I am today.  I am so GRATEFUL through the communication of a computer one can send out a message, console another, send a greeting card, light a candle, share a picture and care,  along this sorrowful journey:

I Will hold Austin in Heaven:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFhM84bIMZg

A Sincere Thank You to all that light candles, and post on the Forum and again to the Webmaster of the Site for all that you do each and every day,
I remain Grateful,

The Gift of Austin
http://www.totsites.com/tot/babyaustinajr
WLAP, Austin's mommy
http://www.musicalcreations.biz/samples.html

Dear Xanadue,
 
Sending you many Blessings of Love and Light and prayers that your load will be lightened.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dearest Xanadue,
sending you love and healing thoughts for your broken heart
Buba, Goran's mom
(my heart is broken,too...and I am so very grateful for this site )

Xanadue at times It's a very hard road to walk but with the help of others we do see sunlight.
Thank you for your candles and prayers they never go unfelt not ever. 

Shed not the tears, as you feel I have gone, Love never leaves, and my spirit lives on.
 
~Love and gratitude to all ~
 
~

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Xanadue . . .
I don't think anyone of us
gets out of this life
without heartbreak . . .
but there are also great joys
and deep gifts
in amongst the rubble.
I too,
am grateful for this holy place.
My prayers continue for you my dear
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥