I have not lost a child. So I do not feel it would be appropriate to comment on the words here, other than to say that when we are in the depths of grief (which I have experienced on a different level) there is no way to fully comprehend the deeper truth of why this could have happened.. And yet, it is essential to allow the grief. For this is the only way through it. The questioning, the anger and all. I am so deeply sorry for the suffering that you experience. But of course it is 100% understadable.

 
Dearest Liliwings ,
 
You really are gifted in many wonderful ways.
 
you don't have to lose a child to have a heart as pure and compassionate
as yours.
 
I read your words and all I wanted to do is hug you. 
 
Our loved ones sent Angel's to help us and by doing this we are indeed being blessed in many
beautiful ways.....
 
 
Love to all ..big hugs Liliwings,Sandraxxxx 
 
I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with thier mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

[ quote=sandra67] 


 
Joya when it's sunny this could be Kelsey warming your face with kisses
when you see rainbows this could be your little ones in Heaven painting rainbows for their special Mummy... 
  
 
Be gentle on yourself  and let other's help you along your journey.
 
Keep looking out for signs they will  enrich your life  in many ways.
 

  
  Dearest Sandra, I have never thought of it like this about what you said about my angels sending me sushine or rainbows. From now on thanks to you I will ALWAY think of this. I guess sometimes you are in so much pain that it is hard to see some things until other point them out for you. Right now I feel like I am going through a very hard time in my life where I can't see any light. I try to be all smiles for my kids and my hubby but the truth is when it's dark and my hubby is at work or sleeping and the kids are too, my heart is so broken and aching. I know that I should be thankful as I have other kids and believe me I am so very thankful but I guess like you and I have talked before, since I have kids I know how much more that I am missing that I will NEVER able to see and to enjoy from my angel babies. I hope that this makes sense to you. Every time my kids have a birthday or Kayden says another word he has never said before, my heart is so broken as I know that I will NEVER be able to hear my angel babies or see them reach these milestones. I aso believe that loosing Kelsey has hurt more as it brings up so much of my past. AS you know my past has been such a hard and hurtful one. I know like you and the others have said that I Really need time. I just hope in time that I will be able to accept my angel babies deaths more as what "God saw fit to happen" in my life and my families lives. It has really been hard on the kids and especially my marriage since the loss of Kelsey and now the health problems that we may be facing with Kayden. I just hope that I can just keep my faith as I so need God, friends and family right now. Thanks for your sweet posts, prayers and lit candles.
 
Lilwings, please don't feel like you can't post. Any comments and post to me right now are so helpful. I believe that no matter what your grief, whether it is loosing a family member, your own child or even a close friend. It is still grief and grief is so hard to cope with. Please don't ever feel like you can't post on something. Especailly to me. Lilwings, like SAndra said you are special in so many ways. I will always appreciate you and all the rest that take the time out of their busy day to post their comments to me and say a prayer or light a candle. That means more to me than you will ever know.
 
Diane and anyone else who I have forgot, I am sorry if I forgt your name. I have read all the post and they mean more to me than you will know. Thanks for all your loving words and your posts too and your candles. I love each and and appreciate each one of you more than you will ever know. With Love ALways, Joya
 
P.S. Sandra, the Angel Amoung Us song you quoted I have always loved. In fact, my kids sing it as one of their songs in one of their graduations at school.
  
   
 

Dearest Joya,
 
Liliwings wrote this in another thread and it's very true for each one of us..
 
 

Joya, I know that in time your heart will heal from the losses. Just a note to you, please do not allow anyone to impose a time agenda on your healing. Because one's healing can be very deep .... personal and authentically theirs. Trust your own path in the moment. As horrifically painful as it is. And I do hope that next year your heart will feel less burdoned and you will once again be able to see the light.

 
No two losses are the same as it's our  own unique journey. I just hope with all of my heart
you gain strength and hope from other's.
 
We are very fortunate that sunshine always comes after a  thunder storm..
 
Take good care Joya my thought's are with you right now,Sandraxx

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Sandra, You and Lilwings, are so right, no two losses are the same, as it's our own journey.  I am in time gaining strength from others and I appreciate all the ones who have let me lean on them right now as this is what has helped me get this far. Thanks again for you and all the other'e post, love and candle lighting. You remain in my thoughts as well. Love Always, Joya

Dear Joya,
 
I haven't written much here but I want you to know that you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. I try to keep a candle lit for you.
 
You are so right in saying that every kind of support can help including that of those who haven't suffered the loss of a child. The other day I had an e-mail from a mother whose son died of a brain tumor. Someone else had started a candle group for him, and I have kept a candle burning. Last year, when e-mailing was still possible, she sent me a note without a name.  She told me again that my steady candle presence meant a great deal to her. Now I do know her name, and I invited her to join us.
So, we may never know or find out by accident!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

baby steps, dear Joya . . .
baby steps
be kind to yourself
with love . . .
sparrow
 

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joya,
I am proud of you for reaching out as you do.  And for accepting the help of  all who care so much.  Just keep leaning on us Joya.  Together we will get you through.  Sending love, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dear Edda, I do apprecite very greaty all the candles that everyone has posted for me and the thoughts and prayers as well. To think that someone has taken the time todo any of them for me is very humbling. I don't feel as I am so alone. Thanks again for all your love and support.
 
 
Sparrow, I am taking very small baby steps but I guess it doesn't matter how big the step is but the step itself huh? It has been very hard for me but I know that we all have said that it will take some time.
 
 
Lilwings,  thanks for lettig me lean on each and everyone of you. Like I said before to Edda, it is very humbling to know that so many care about me and are willing to stick with me through such a hard time in my life. You all don't know how much I appreciate your love and all that you give to me each and every day. I don't think that I would be where I am today if it weren't for ya'll supporting me and letting me lean on all of you.
 
Thanks again for all your love and posts, prayers and candle lighting. I love each and every one of you. Love ALways, Joya

Many of us rush through life without a care and then disaster strikes and the bad times suddenly hit us like a steam train. It is at those times that we find out who our true friends are and through many means such as this forum God shows us that, far from all the bad news we hear every day, the world is really full of wonderful people who are able to care about people they have never met. This is a gift God gave us and in sharing His love we make him pleased. I have only a small voice but I am certain He hears me and I am asking, with all my heart, that He brings healing to you and your family; warmth from the very depths of Paradise, and that, very soon, you will feel recovered and able to, once again, look around at all the joyous things he has given us, and you will feel calm, be at peace, and find happiness again.
 
I ask these things in the name of our God, who through every bad time, leads us back to the light in the comfort of His love. Peace be with you.

God shows us that, far from all the bad news we hear every day, the world is really full of wonderful people who are able to care about people they have never met.

You are so right dear Paul . . .
The world is full of love if we just lift our heads.
Thank you for adding your voice to the song
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Hi Joya,
 
I wanted to thank you for your kind words and gratefulness!
You are in my thoughts and prayers always. May your days be brightened by God's love and light. Bless you!
 
Paul, What a lovely expressions of God's showing us that we are supported in this life. Thank you for faith and good will.
 
Peace, Love and  Joy,
Diane
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

It is at those times that we find out who our true friends are and through many means such as this forum God shows us that, far from all the bad news we hear every day, the world is really full of wonderful people who are able to care about people they have never met.

 
Dear Paul,
this fact, when I first came across this Forum, came as a very pleasant surprise to me in our seemingly cold and cynical world. But why should I be surprised? I think most people, given the chance, are kind and really want to make a difference. This Forum. I think, encourages those values.
 
I hope you will return and talk to us some more,
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Joya dear,
I light candles for you.  Although i may not always come here to let you know this has been done.  My thoughts are with you and your chidlren.  You have a beatufidul dear heart.  And I have faith that this beautiful heart of yours will heal.  Of course there will always be a place in your heart for your three angels,  but it will not always hurt like this, Joya.  Sending love, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Paul, Bless your beautiful heart.  Thank you for your words. Welcome to the forum.  I hope you will come often to  contribute words of  joys, sorrows, love, fear,  success and challenges, to name a few.  thank you for being here !!!  I hope we all will come to know you well.  liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Paul, first of all, welcome to the forum. I do hope that you will keep coming back as you sound like such a great person and you have so much to give. Bless you. Thanks for praying for me and asking God for healing for me and my family. I really appreciate it very much.
 
Sparrow, you ALWAYS along with the others on the forum have so much love and words of encouragement. I am so thankful for you and the others on this forum.
 
Diane, as for as thanking me for my kind words and gratefullness, I am only returning all that you and all the others on here have done and given me. It is good that we can all be there for each other. Thanks also for your thoughts and prayers for me. You also remain in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Jude, you are exactly right when you told Paul and the rest on this forum that most people in the world are kind given the chance and they do really want to make a difference. I also believe that this forum does encourage that too. I don't know what I would do without this forum and the loving people on here.
 
Lilwings, I know that you light your candles for me as I light candles for my babies as well and I see your candles and all the others that light them as well and for this I am very grateful as it means so much to me and my family. I know it will take awhile for my heart to mend and you are so right that my 3 angel will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. I know that in time I will be able to see more light. 
 
Thanks again for all your loving words, prayers and candle lighting. I thank God every day that I have friends like you all to lean on. Love to all, Joya  
 
 
 
  
 
 

Dear Joya:  Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I felt very touched by this thread and wanted to share this song with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnL1e4-NfaA

May you find some peace and comfort.

Love and Blessings, Jessica

 

May you be blessed!

Jessica, thanks for your sweet message to me. I could not use it at a more needed time. Today has been a very challenging day for me. I do love that song. I always have. I wished the movie (City Of Angels) would have ended a different way though. It was so sad. I Always cry when I see it.
 
 
Today I have tried after the start of a bad morning to try to see the good out of things today but it has been really hard. The nurse that keeps up with my son Kayden's care once a month called and I saw her the day I lost Kelsey. She had no clue that I was pregnant let alone that my baby had died and I was going to have to have surgery the next day. (Of course didn't make it that far) Anyway she said to me " so what are you so upset about? If you want antother baby , you can always have another baby if that is what is bothering you. I just lost it and started crying. I was just so heart broken as if I can just get over Kelsey like that. It's not like I can get pregnant with Kelsey again. I don't think she has any clue as the pain and heartache I am feeling. I really do believe that she meant well. Then she told me that I need to go ahead and move on with my life because i have other kids and if I don't go ahead and get over my grief then I will have a nervous breakdown. I was so angry at first with her as she said even more than this ( this is just the tip of the iceburg)  and I was just so upset, then I tried to think that maybe she just has never lost a loved one or child. Not that I would have or want her too but she is a nurse. You woujld have thought that she would have had more compassion than this. As it has not even been 2 months yet. I have tried so hard to deal with my grief in my way and it like all of us has said before it will take me TIME. I need TIME. I am trying to stay so positive and it helps to have people like you and the others on this forum who are willing to let me lean on them. Thanks again for all of your love and support everyone! I love each and everyone of you.

I am so sorry his nurse was not understanding. I am sure you are right that she meant well, even though it was insensitive of her. You hang in there and be who you are....love heals all things.
 
Peace, Love and Light and Joy!
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Dear Diane, thanks for your words of encouragement. They meant alot.  I am really trying hard to see things more in a positive way but sometimes it is very hard and very discouraging. I took my kids while back to see the Hanna Montanna move that had just came out. I really didn't want to go but my sister, her little girl and obviously my kids wanted to go. The movie was really good to my amazement as I thought that it would be more for teenagers and I would not like it. (not to mention that I didn't know that if it was going to bore my kids) but anyway the kids loved it and I liked it too. On the movie Miley Cyrus (Hanna Montanna) sings a song on there. It was really touching to me and it really realates to my life and to where I am at right now. Here are the lyrics:
 
                                                                    The Climb
 
                                I can almost see it
                                That dream I'm deaming but
                                There's a voice inside my head sayin
                                You'll never reach it
                                Every step I'm taking
                                Every move I make feels
                                Lost with no direction
                                My faith is shaking but I
                                I gotta keep tryin
                                Gotta keep my head held high
 
                            
                                There's always goin be another mountain
                                 I always goin want to make it move
                                Always going to be a uphill battle
                                Sometimes I'm goin have to lose
                                Ain't about how fast I get there
                                Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
                                It's the Climb
 
        
 
                                The struggles I'm facing
                                The chances I'm taking
                                Sometimes might knock me down but
                                No I'm not breaking
                                I may not know it
                                But these are the moments that
                                I'm goin to remember most yeah
                                Just got to keep going and I
                                I gotta be stong
                                Just keep pushing on 'cause
 
 
                                There's always going be another mountain
                                I'm always going to want to make it move
                                Always going to be a uphill battle
                                Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
                                Ain't about how fast I get there
                                Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
                                It's the climb
 
                                
                                 There's always going to be another mountain
                                 I am always going to want to make it move
                                 Always going to be a uphill battle
                                 Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
                                 Ain't about how fast I get there
                                 Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
                                 It's the climb  yeah....
 
 
                   
                                Keep on moving
                                Keep climbing
                                Keep the faith baby
                                It's all about
                                It's all about
                                The climb
 
                                Keep the faith
                                Keep your faith
 
 
Thanks again for all of your love and support. I love each and every one of you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
    
                                
 
                                
 
                    
 
                                
                                
                                
 

Joya,
I am so sorry the nurse was insensitive.  I truely believe that it is very important for you to go through this grieving process.  To push it away would mean you would only have to deal with it another time.  It is not the loss of one baby. It is the loss of three.  And probably other pain and grief in there as well. 
 
Sometimes people want others to push away their pain because the person themsevles, the nurse in this case, choses to push away her pain.  So if others feel their pain it is a threat. I cannot say this is the case with the nurse. but I surely have seen this in others as they do not want others to feel grief or pain.  Trust yourself Joya.  please try not to  allow her definition of  reaity to effect your reality.  Please try to consider that no one else has the ability to know your feelings unless what they say feels authentic to how you are feeling.  
 
Thank you for the song. I will pass it along to the MPD system I work with.  they deal with a mountain of pain and love music. Although they will be surprised that miley Cyrus sings it !!  Blessings and love to you dear Joya, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dear Joya,
I agree with all Liliwings says. I know people who push away their grief and I wonder how they can! As Liliwings says, it comes back at some time in their lives.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Lilwings, I am still up as I can't sleep ( as usual) and I happend to see your post. I do believe like you have said that I need to deal with my grief now. I didn't really start dealing with the grief of my 2 other babies till about this time last year when I was talking to Sandra and joined her forum. Back then I was young and my parents didn't agree with my hubby and I was all alone. I was so scared to even deal with it. I had hardly any friends at the time because we had all gone on with our lives and were doing our own thing and I was trying to act like my marriage was all together and I was not getting beat on. I secretely blamed myself for years and often still do for all the miscarriages and I have held a grudge towads my ex-hubby for his abuse towards me.I have to realize that it might not have been his abuse but that it could have been that it might not have been meant to be. Last year I finally got to where I would talk about the babies I had lost. I felt bad that back then I didn't even think to name the babies a name that could be for either gender. I also don't think that I realized (like I have said in another post) what I was truly missing until I did have other children. I know for some that might sound crazy. I know this is sad to admit but I didn't even tell my parents about my miscarriages until a month ago when I lost Kelsey. I love my parents and I would do anything for them but I knew that they would always look down on me and they would not understand. When I lost Kelsey almost 2 months ago now, I thought that I might as well tell them because they wanted to know how I thought and knew that I was loosing the baby(Kelsey). I then told them that I had been down that road twice before. It happend like I thought and my parents don't want to really acknowledge it but that is ok. At least I told them which I have been struggling with that for many years. As far as my son's nurse, she did admit to me that in the past she has dealt with depression and that she had gotten past it. I don't think though she realized how insensitive she sounded. She has been really good to check on Kayden and his tracheamalasia and having problems when he was born and also staying up with his growth etc as they question whether they had my dates wrong and if he might have been a premie. I had just had so much go on today that I think that I just lost it with her and started crying. She did  tell me that I needed to go on anti-depresants till this "blew over" and once I got on them I would feel so much better. I don't think that she realizes that it doesn't happen like that when you lose a loved one. I have to realize not only am I needing to realize and deal with my grief but I have my kids to think about too as they still mention it on a daily basis. Even my 5 year old just yesterday asked why our baby died and why can't we have the baby back. To push that to the side would be like you said having to deal with another time and my kids would have to at some point later do it too. I do also think like you said that others do push their pain away. I know that I have had friends do that and they have told me that that is not the route to take.
 
Thanks again  for taking the time to post. You don't know how much it means to me. As far as the song, my hubby was surprised when he heard Miley Cyrus singing that song too as he said" she is real young, how and what does she know about how life can be yet?" I did tell him that sometimes it not all roses being famous that even famous people have "mountains in their life to climb" Everyone does. Take care Lilwings. You are a special person. With love ALways, Joya
  

Thank you Jessica for the song . . .
it has great significance to me too . . .
always will . . .
I am sorry Joya,
that you had such an 'unpleasant' experience with the visiting nurse.
Unfortunately the label "nurse" doesn't always translate into compassion.
Be well, dear one.
Listen to your own heart and you will heal
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joya,
thanks for telling mea bit more about your married life.  There are so many things I want to say. but I will keep it brief.  I also want to say that if you disagree with anything i have written, then by all means, please know that I am incorrect
 
First, being abused, verbally or any other way,  tears people down.  It wears away at their fabric unless they get help.  Or thats what I have observed in people.  Abuse creates wounds in the fabric of their soul.  Often they believe it is really their fault and feel shame and do not get help.  Even years later.    Any human being who has been abused deserves help.  especially while they are working through the loss of three babies.  They deserve to heal and close up those wounds that abuse causes.
 
Second, you are staying awake nights.  Lack of sleep is known to make life  much, much more difficult to handle. It also is one of the signs of depression, although insomnia alone surely does not mean someone is depressed. 
 
Of course, Joya, the nurse is wrong.  Antidepressants would not fix things.  They would not make things go away or get better.  But the right antidepressant could maybe stabalize your worn out aghausted system while you are working on this.  Anyone who is working through all you are is a hero in my book.  Strong.  But I also know that they usually are getting medicinal support while doing it.....  And counselling..  So they can increase the effectivness of healing what can be healed.  
 
by the way, I do not believe the nurse really has "gotten past" the core of her depression.  Personally, I think that If she had, she would not have chosen the words she did.  She surely was speaking in an unconscious manner.  Maybe she has "gotten past" it.  But I am not convinced.  I am glad she is good for Kayden.  Thats a huge blessing.
 
Joya, I have been surrounded all my life by relatives who could not really see me.  This was not because of any flaw in me.  But rather that they do not have the courage or ability to go where I have gone.  I am very different from them. Thats a good thing.  But a difficult thing.   So they admonish it, or tell me I am wrong.  etc etc.  It is so difficult for me to believe in myself, and my choices in the face of them telling me I am wrong or  misled..  Or even the knowledge that they would dissaprove.  Its a very lonely place in which to be. 
 
I respect you Joya,  you are not running away from what needs to be healed.  Sending much love and light and angels to hold you up and heal you and your family, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dearest Lilwings, your post made me feel so good that you care enough to write me.  First of all, I am not with ex husband any more that was so abusive. I got the will power to leave after I was so scared to do it but I did it as I knew that if I didn't I might not survive. My hubby now is the one of the greatest things that has happend to me in my life. He has 2 kids when we married of one he was raising (Richard) all by himself. The other was already son hade already moved out. Then I was a single parent of Kyle, who was only 1 at the time.  WE have been together for almost 10 years of which over 5 we have been married.  We do have 3 kids together so we have a blended family. This is the first time that my hubby has had to deal with the loss of a baby so it has been hard on us both, The hospital actually let yus bring Kelsey home and my hubby buried her. As with any marriage was have had our problems but the main thing we have tried to work through most of the things. We are having alot of problems with Richard as he has some issues with ADD/ADHD and kust plain being a rebellious pre-teen and then we are having the issues dealing with the baby Kayden health but we are just trying to cope and deal how we can with what God throws our way. It has really been hard on our marriage since we lost Kelsey but I really think most of it is my fault as I have not let him be there for me. I think I have been more withdrawn but losing Kelsey brings back some of my past as well. I have since tried really hard to let him know how I am feelling and us talk about it as I know that he is hurting too.
 
As far as my sleep, I am on a sleeping medication but it has not really helped. I didn't start loosing slepp like this till I lost Kelsey. It died make it hard to not be ill and not stay tired when you are not getting enought sleep. I think I finally got 3 hours. I could not go to sleep till after 4. I have heard many say thought that insomnia is a sighn of depression.
 
As far as Kayden's nurse, I am like you, I don't believe that she has gotten over her depression. I am not here to judge her though and like you said and I deffiantely agree with she if she had gotten pat it could have been more sympathetic or could have done and said other things. I was so hurt after I got off the phone with her. I have no idea what she has gone thorugh in her life but the fact of being a nurse, you would think that she would have been more sensitive. I think that she knew that she stepped on my nerves though before we got off the phone.
 
As far as the family situation, I know exactly where you are coming from. I sometimes feel like I am the black sheep of the family. I only have one brother and he is a alchoholic and I have always thought that my parents played favotires with him. As I have said many time before, my parents are very religious and by no means am I a saint but you know I try to do what I am suppose and live like I am suppose to. I don't beat my family or abuse anything and I fell like they don't see these things. My brother is always upheld and he has caused ,any problems for my parents in the past. In fact, I was sent to a boarding school becuase of my brother when  I was a teenager as my parents I feel like got burned out and didn't want me to run away, be a alchoholic like my brother. I didn't see my parents for over a year and (but was gone a total of 2 years altogether) then had to come back home because the school closed. WE had the worst things happen to us girls there at the boarding school and it was like my parents don't want to acknowledge that they ever sent me away. My mom has said she was sorry and she tries to make up for it now spending time with my kids but I really think that that is why I married so early. I was just wanting someone to love me. Everyone make mistakes though and we learn from our mistakes. I think that my ex hubby and I both if we could have it to do over again we would have waited till we were oldert to have married. I do miss all my 3 angal babies though and will always wonder what would have happend if they couls have stayed with me. Sorry this has been so long. Lilwings, just be yourself no matter what family, people or friends want you to be as you are just special the way you are. Take CAre, Love ALways, Joya
 
 

Joya,
I am glad to know that it is not your current husband who was so abusive.  Thats a relief.  Altnough I do wonder if you got the help you deserve to have healed properly from the abuse from the previous marriage.  I do believe you deserve that !!!!!
 
I really hope that you can find a right medication that will help you to sleep.  Because Joya, trying to get through this while sleep deprived sounds way too huge. 
 
You have so much coming up now Joya.  So much. I am going to pray that you get the good help that you deserve.  And oh how you deserve it, with the mountain of things you have encountered in your life.  I will pray for a compassionate smart wise person to come into your life locally who can help you through this.  Of course  never ever to take the place of your family here !!!  Because we all love you so much. 
 
I am lighting another candle for you Joya.  In hope that you receive the local help that you so deserve while climbing  this mountain of healing.  Sending love and light and respect, liliwings
 

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dearest Lilwings, you have been in my thoughts throughout the day today. I do have to day that the abuse that I suffered from my ex-hubby is not far from my mind, I have learned that it will probably always be there. To be honest with you, I have never thought about seeking help to talk about what has happend in my past. I don't know why. I guess these days some people thing that you should be able to handle anything that comes into your life without counciling or help. I do believe that I need to alos find the right medicine to help me sleep. I do believe that though some nights are better than others but it never is before 1 or 2 in the morning before I fall asleep. It didn't start though till I lost Kelsey. I am taking Ambien right now. It used to work for me years ao when I had an ocassional sleepless night. Maybe I should look into something else since I am still having trouble.  I do also believe that maybe I need to look into some help locally here. Some times it's time that I don't hve though to be able to even go somewhere and talk to someone. We have so much going on right now. I have just tried to get through these tough days myself. I never thought that it would be this hard. I know that no one locally could NEVER take the place of my "Gratefullness family here."No one could give me any amount of Money for all of your love and support here on this forum.  Y'all have helped me more than you know. I just hope that I am the support that you all need to. I love each and every one of ya'll so very much too. I have lit you another candle for you too Lilwings and the others as I know that I am not the only one having tough times... Take CAre Lilwings. Thanks for being a great friend and a very special person. With Love ALways, Joya
 
 

Dearest Joya,
 
My heart goes out to you! Your thought to get local help is a good one. It doesn't replace this cyber-family but supplements it.
You are included in the group hugwhich has been making its round on another thread (Today I am Gratefulness Challenged).
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Edda, I don't know what in the owrld was wrong with my computer last night but I tried posting to you three times and then I tried to copy it and it would not take it so, I am trying again.  Thanks for your post. It meant alot to me. I don't know when and if I will get time to get some grief cousilling as it is so hectic righ now. We like so many other have so very much going on.  I know that I still have ya'll to count on to be there for me and for that I am so grateful! Like I have said before NO ONE could EVER replace my cyber family. Ya'll mean a great deal to me. AS far as the group hug, I was on the other day on the gratefully challenged when it was going on and I could use one of them any time. TAke care Edda. I have also lit another candle for you. With Love ALways, Joya 

Dearest Joya,
 
I am sorry you had so much trouble posting! Perhaps it is not your computer since I have had trouble answering on occasion. Going to a different thread and then returning has helped.
 
We have gently told you in the past that the children who are with you need all of you.
You may feel that you don't have time to get help, but perhaps you don't have time, NOT to get help. Feeling better might also help you  to feel stronger in dealing with all your very real challenges. No pressure, just a thought!
 
Thank you for your candle!
 
I keep you in my prayers and in my heart,
 
Much love and another group hug, 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Joya
 
I pray that healing in many forms comes your way today and forever after..
 
Children are like little sponges and they take in many many things.
 
Joya if you are in good health and mind your children will flourish even more.
 
I know you would do anything in the world to help your children Joya...
 
Please no matter how difficult it may be find time for you to get the help
 
you so badly need.
 
Love and understanding Sandraxx  
  
  
 

 
 
 
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

You may feel that you don't have time to get help, but perhaps you don't have time, NOT to get help. Feeling better might also help you to feel stronger in dealing with all your very real challenges.

 
Dear Joya,
I agree wjholeheartedly with both Edda and Sandra.
 
Sent with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dearest Joya,
 
I hope this finds you feeling some strength and hope today. I have not had the internet the last few weeks and see I have much to catch up on here. I am still praying for Kayden and you and your whole family. I just wanted to take a minute to write to you here and extend my virtual hug too. (((((HUG))))))
 
Remember to take it one day at a time, my friend. thats all any of us can do!
 
Love Karen

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Dearest Joya
 
I found this song and I thought of you and your little Angel's...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Z4H5_1f1E&feature=related
 
Good night my angel time to close you eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Where ever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away


Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

(Musical Bridge)
Do do do do...

*Goodnight my angel now it's time to dream
And dream how wondeful your life will be
Someday your child will cry and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die that's how you and I will be
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Edda, Sandra, Jude and Karen, thanks for your post as they still mean so very much to me. I have thought about what each and every one of you have said. I will try to get some help for my grief. Even if I get to talk to some friends, it is better than Nothing. Plus, like I said before ya'll have been here for me and that has helped more than you know. I do want my kids to be as happy as they can be and I want to be the best mom I can be. Thanks again for your suggestions. Love to each and every one of you. Love ALways, Joya
 
Sandra, thanks for that song. I am waiting for it to load. Thanks for taking the time to post this for me.

Dear Joya,
 
I am glad that you are giving serious thought to getting help, and I hope you will take the next step! You know that we continue to be here for you to support you as we have been doing.
 
Wishing you courage, hope and strength,
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Joya,
while I have not been to the thread for a few days to post, I have lit candles. I know you are aware of this.  I am proud of you for agreeing to get help.  Your chidlren and you deserve for you to get help.  Of course this would not take the place of our love and support.  That continues as always.  Because we love you.  But dont you deserve everything possible to get you through this time?
 
Heres what I think. I think there are times in our lives when lots of accumulated pain comes up for healing.  Its hugeeeeeeeeee.  Its often triggered by an event.  Then all the hurt and pain that we put away to deal with another day......... or not, is right there.   These are the times when we get help.  Because these are the times when we can heal so much......... if we truely work on it.  I hope that makes sense. 
 
I believe in you Joya. I believe in your heart.   Because its a beauty of a heart.  That beauty of a heart deserves to have help to get through this mountain of pain.  good kind understanding supportive help right where you live.  I am proud of you for seeing that this would help.  Really proud of you.  Just remember,  this is really big because its a lot of stuff thats been put away for another day.  But you can heal some of it during this period of time.  And be free from it.  And of course your angel babies will always be in your heart.  Of course.

love to you Joya, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dear, dear Joya . . .
I have missed this thread,
as I have missed a few others over the weekend,
but I hope that you know you have been
and still are very much in my heart.
It cheers me to hear that you are thinking of getting outside help.
Edda is right you know . . .
you don't have the time NOT to get help.
It is not a shame to need assistance . . .
and you will be better able to be there for those who depend on you.
If we didn't make the time for many things we say we don't have time for
what a meager and miserable this life would be.
We will still and always be here for you
as you work your way through your pain
with much love for you dear . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Edda, thanks for you post and your love and support. This means so very much to me.
 
Dear Lilwings, thanks for your post as well. It made sense to me. I don't expect everyone to post on my thread as I know that you all have busy lives too. It does make me feel good to know that so many people care for me and my family and what happens to me. I have noticed your candles and any one elses who have lit me one as I go there and light candles most every day. I think that I will call and see what kind of grief councilling they have in my area or even a support group. I have said so many times. NOTHING WILL TAKE THE PLACE OF MY GRATEFULNESS FAMILY! I so appreciate everyone here and have grown to love each and every one of you. I do believe what you said about" Heres what I think. I think there are times in our lives when lots of accumulated pain comes up for healing.  Its hugeeeeeeeeee.  Its often triggered by an event.  Then all the hurt and pain that we put away to deal with another day......... or not, is right there.   These are the times when we get help.  Because these are the times when we can heal so much......... if we truely work on it.  I hope that makes sense.  This makes so much sense to me. I agree with you. I know that I have accumulated lots of pain. Especially from my past about different things. I think many of us think that we can deal with it ourselves then one day turns into many years of pain and then when something else terrible happens in our lives, it is life a volcano. I have not thought about it like that till you have said it.  Like I said I am going to see what councilling they offer in my area and also a support group. My hubby works ususally 3rd shift and so he sleeps during the day so it's very difficult to get things done if I don't take the kids with me. I might have to see if he can change schedules or something for awile. I am trying just to deal with things right now as they might end up laying him off. It is a waiting game on his job. We hope that this will not happen. Again, thanks for taking your time to post, share your thoughts and light candles for me. You like so many others on here are so special to me.
 
Llsparrow, thanks also for your post as you also mean the world to me. I know that if I can get some help with my grief that I will be better for my kids and possibly my hubby. I know that I have ya'll to always lean on and that mean more than you will ever know. I know like I said that it is impossible to get to every thread on here everyday. Just to know that someone has thought about me makes me feel good. Thanks again to you too.
 
Much Love to everyone of you. You don't know how much you meant to me. Love ALways, Joya

Dear All, I would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers as it has been a real hard 2 weeks for me and my family for a number of reasons. It seems like it's one thing after another. In 6 days, it will be 2 months since we have lost Kelsey. My pain and grief is so very hard to deal with right now.I have my good days and bad just like anhyone else. I would just appreciate you thoughts and prayers as it has been such a painful hard time for us all. Thanks, Love ALways, Joya