Xanadue, I'm sorry it has taken me do long to post. I did read this the day you posted, I just could not at the time find the words to write. I am sorry for your losses as well. The poem that you posted was a good one and yes that is what we need to hold onto. I did go to your website. It occurred to me that even through your pain and your losses that you still have found the faith to go on and believe in God. To me that is something that has moved me. I guess for me the loss of my last baby has hit me but I have not truly accepted it yet. The thought that you and everyone else has taken the time to share their love and their stories of grief with me through your pain has also moved me. I really appreciate all the love and outpouring of your thoughts and candle lighting. Like I told Sandra many many times before, I don't know what loss is worse getting to have your baby and see them and get to know them some, then looseing them or loosing them through miscarriage like I have. The truth is, everyone's grief is so different. I can honestly say that I think for me that I would not be able to be as spiritual and have as much faith as you if something like that that happend to me that happend to you. I think one of the things that bother me is that my 3 babies I lost, I never will know on this earth what gender the babies were. I never named the first 2 babies that I lost and have always regretted it. For some reason the thought never occurred to me to name them a name that could have been either for boy or girl. This baby that I lost we named Kelsey which could be a either or. I think that we are going to do like you or one of the other people who posted said and plant a tree in the babies honor and memory.  I do hope that one day that I can have the strong faith that you and the rest of the people have on this forum. Last night I prayed for the first time since I lost Kelsey. Who knows if God heard it or not as I have been so angry and upset at Him. Thanks for your time and your thoughts and for sharing your story with me as I know it had to be painful for you. Please take care and know that you are in thoughts.
 
Sandra, I didn't think that you belittled your Louis in any way. I do know what your saying though as far as having a child that suffers and would not be compatible to life, I would not want that either as I would rather suffer than any of my children. I think that it would hurt me more to see my baby suffer their whole life so like you maybe somehow for me this was meant to be. If I can ever truly acknowlege that this was the best thing for me and me baby.
Karen, Love who u r, Sparrow, Jude, Buba, & Rose, thanks for still being there for me as right now I really need it. You don't know how much each and every one of you mean to me. Thanks again for taking the time out of your busy day to post to me, pray and light candles for me. Love, Joya

"LIFE IS NOT MEASURED IN THE BREATHS WE TAKE, IT IS MEASURED IN HOW MANY MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!"

Dear Joya,
Today I can see you have moved on just a tiny bit and that is really good to see.
I will keep you in prayer and light a candle for you now,
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Joya you can't compare a loss not at all, a child is a child from conception .I'm sorry I really am.No road is easy and right now I am sure both our sorrow's are so bloody raw . The ulitmate thing is it's you that is suffering and it's you that counts right now.

Sorry Joya but I just feel it's ok whatever stage you are at ...in the end love does really really conquer all it really does.

♥

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Joya . . .
Please know that no one of us is more in possession of faith or wisdom.
We are all human with human frailties . . .
each of us has dark days when it seems the sun will never shine again.
We are all on this journey together,
and on days when we cannot hold ourselves up,
others here kindly do it for us
until we can once again stand on our own.
A candle of healing remains lit always for you
with love . . .
sparrow
 

everything counts... ♥

Dearest Joya,

The one thing that I really want to say to you in response to what you posted is I am absolutely sure that God not only heard your prayer but that He cares and wants to give you the strength you need to go on. I strongly believe that He hears all prayers by everyone. He has infinite time and ability to listen to all of us here on this earth, I firmly believe in that. Please trust that He heard you and will continue to listen to that small yet strong voice inside your heart. That is what I really wanted to tell you this morning.
 
By the way, I think you have excellent insight into yourself and your feelings. And that you are much more resilient and strengthful than you realize. Trust in yourself and you will get through this time one day at a time. Try not to focus on the future but rather stay in the moment and just coast along if you dont feel strong enough at the time to try and move forward.
 
I am praying for you and hoping that you are getting the rest and rejuvination you need to recover from the loss you have sustained.
 
Much love to you and a big virtual ((((((((((HUG)))))))))
 
Your forever friend,
Karen Roberta
 
( I did not create this graphic but I think its a good one. )
 

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Jude, Sandra, Sparrow and Karen, I am going to try to post this mesage again as this is the 3rd time I have wrote it. I still appreciate all of your thoughts posts and candle lighting. Jude, thanks for saying that you think that I have taken a tiny step. It has been so hard for me but you know they say sometimes the first step is the hardest one to take. Sandra, I don't know what all to say to you as we both know how much pain we both are feeling. The fact that you had a forum for awhile that I could go to and help me realize that I needed to face my grief did more for me than you will ever know. Thank you so much. We are feeling our pain so much and you are so right the pain is so raw. Also like you said no road is easy. It doesn't matter where you are in the road. I have also heard what you have said that love does conquer all.  I guess what hurts the most are the answers that we will never know on this earth huh? The pain we feel won't ever go away and sometimes it's so very hard for people to see this that has never lost a child or baby. I know that in some ways that they really try to help us but in the end sometimes what they say to us makes things worse. Like we have said before, everyone handles grief in different ways. There are so many of us out here in the world who has lost a baby/ child far too soon and it's so very hard to move on. We will NEVER forget our babies not EVER.
Sparrow, I know that each of us is not perfect by no stretch of the imagination but you know there are some people that they have a unfailing faith that amoungst their suffering and pain and losses, they seem to pick up the peices fast and always keep the faith. This has been so very hard for me. My faith sure has been tried. I can' t say that I have trusted God through this last miscarriage. I just wish that I knew that my faith would see me through this. I really want to believe that things will be ok and that God needed my babies more than I but my heart and head can't get past this. As I sit here the tears are flowing, it is hard to believe that in 2 more days it will be a month since we found out that Kelsey had no heartbeat and in 3 days that I lost Kelsey to miscarriage. I still want to believe that this didn't happen to me. (along with my other 2 miscarriages) I just have so many more questions than answers. Somehow and some way I hope that I will be able to see in the future that while I won't be able to see my 3 babies here on earth again and see them reach each milestone, that this was was for the best and that God knows more of what needs to happen to me and my family than I.  I do believe your right though that we are all on this journey together and when we can't see which way to go or what to do and we can't go on, others will pick us up till we are strong enough to be on our own again.
Karen, as for what you said, I really hope that God has heard my prayers. I have not said many as I have been very upset and angry at Him still but I think that He knows that I am trying to do my best. I try to stay busy so I don't have alot of time to think about how I am feeling and how much I am missing my angel babies. The hardest time is at night. I am having such a problem sleeping. I do think like you said on the phone that I need to call and talk to my doctor as I am not getting any rest.
 
Thanks again for all your love and suport. I love each and every one of you. I only hope that you all know how special each and every one of you are to me. One more thing I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers Wednesday as I take my 19 month old to the breathing specialist for his breathing problems he has had since birth. Please pray that they will do the right thing or find out if his tracheamalasia will go away without surgery. With love ALways, Joya

"LIFE IS NOT MEASURED IN THE BREATHS WE TAKE, IT IS MEASURED IN HOW MANY MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!"

Dear Joya,
 
I'll be glad to pray for your 19 months old hoping that the windpipe will grow firmer with time and the breathing problem resolve! Quite apart from any distress it may cause your child, I imagine that the noisy breathing is hard for you to listen to.
 
You are in my heart and prayers,
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joya,
I will light a candle now for you and your little one, and pray that the breathing problem will resolve naturally.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joya . . .
I have lit a candle for your little one
and pray that the breathing problem be made right
without surgery.
 
I read somewhere
(was it here on this forum?)
that it is not time that heals,
but love . . .
 
we all do the very best we can
each and every day,
and some days it may not seem that way,
but it is still true.
We can only give what we have in us
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

EDDA, JUDE AND SPARROW, THANKS FOR YOUR WELL WISHES AND YOUR CANDLE LIGHTING FOR KAYDEN. I AM REALLY STRESSED ABOUT TOMORROW BUT I DO HOPE THAT ALL GOES WELL. ALSO, SPARROW, YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT I HAVE HEARD THAT LOVE IS WHAT HEALS. I DO TRY TO TAKE EVERY DAY ONE DAY AT A TIME BUT IT IS SURE HARD SOMETIMES. IT'S FRIENDS LIKE YOU THAT MAKE EACH AND EVERY DAY BETTER TO DEAL WITH. LOVE TO YOU AND ALL.  LOVE ALWAYS, JOYA

"LIFE IS NOT MEASURED IN THE BREATHS WE TAKE, IT IS MEASURED IN HOW MANY MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!"

Hi Joya, I read with much concern and caring about Kayden and I hope the doctors appt gave you some answers and hope. Please write and let us all know how it went. I know we all would like to  know. Today I will light a candle for Kayden to be helped by the doctors.  I will use a group name called Kaydn
 
I am sorry you are hurting so deeply over the loss of your beloved Kelsey. Words fail when it comes to such things. Words might help but I wish I lived closer because a real gentle hug would make you feel much better than anything I can say here on the internet, dont you think? so here is a virtual hug for you. ((((((((HUG))))))))))  I hope it helps in some small way to know how completely I love you as a friend and that I value our relationship and mutual support so much!!!!
 
talk to you soon I hope.
 
<3 luv from your friend Karen <3

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Hi Joya,
I lit a candle yesterday for Kayden, as I said on another thread i would.  I will light another candle this time using his name. There are times in our lives when everything crashes in on us.  But I do want you to know that emerging on the other side of it, stronger than ever is not only possible, but probable.   I am praying for Kayden that his breathing problems will be resolved and healed. 
 
Kelsey is a beautiful name. She hardly needs my prayers, as I know she is doing much better than I.  She is healed and well and surrounded with light, as are your other babies who were not born, but lived inside you. 
 
Joya,  I avoid losing things I write here by copy and pasting it to someplace before I click enter.  That way if it gets gobbled up, I dont have to rewrite it.  Just copy and paste it back to aother reply window to try to send again. 
 
I am sorry for your suffering Joya.  But I do, in my heart, feel that you will emerge from the tremendous weight on your shoulders, stronger than ever.  Sending love, light and angels, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dear Joya,
 
I will light a candle for your son...healing and you.
 
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane
 
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Diane, thanks to you and the oter who have lit candles for Kayden and for me. You don't know how much this means to me and my family. This weekend has been especially hard as Mother's Day came and went. I am so thankful for my children here but I so miss my angel babies that left me too soon. To think that I just lost Kelsey a month ago is still so very hard. I just hope that like Xanudue said in another post that my forever babies are waiting for me. I also hope that they know that I love and miss them all 3 so very much!
 
Thanks again to you and all the others for your love, post and lighting of candles. I love you all! Love Always, Joya

"LIFE IS NOT MEASURED IN THE BREATHS WE TAKE, IT IS MEASURED IN HOW MANY MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!"

Hello Dearest Joya,
 
I was thinking of you on Mother’s day and I am sure this one was particularly hard for you in so many ways.
 
Joya ,Kelsey will always live in your heart and yes she will be waiting for her Mummy at the heaven’s door when the time is right for you both.
 
Joya can I share with you how I felt when Louis passed on, only because you will know all your feelings are ‘normal’ in grief.
 
Joya I lay on the chapel floor, the day after Louis was in there for his funeral,
I took the knitted cloth that was under my dear son and hugged it like a child hugs a cuddly,
I looked up at Jesus and I was so cross with him
I asked him why why why did he take my child why?
Why when he was indeed loved beyond measure,
Why when he knew he really knew that I wanted my son
Why the hell did he choose to take my child?
What did I do that was so badly wrong?
Was it because I was a bad person?
Was it because I did not know Jesus?
Was it because I could not possibly be a good mother?
Why give me a child and snatch him back?
Why did you take him why?
Why the hell did you create me to break me?
Why Jesus why? 
 
I needed Louis to mend my own broken heart,
I needed Louis to prove to me I could and would love him ,
because he was my baby, because he was made out of pure pure love.
I needed to Louis to prove to me that a Mother could love a child.
I needed Louis so so much I really did. 

  
 
I felt so angry Joya and so heartbroken for the child who needed my love
and I his so much .. 
  
  
 
Joya your dear precious Kelsey has only just left this world,
What I am trying to say  Joya, time will answer many
of your own questions.
 
 
Your little one’s live inside of you as they are within your heart.
The day they left this earth, their little heart beats when into your heart.
 
 
 
Joya the longing to cuddle your baby never leaves you ,
but one day,one day we will cuddle them again.
 
For me now I know Louis was sent to me for such special reasons,
Louis has given me life Joya in the sense he has laid beauty before me ,
beauty that maybe I took for granted,or was not able to see,
and I am  forever grateful to him for all what he gives me daily. 

 
Yes I want him back, yes I get cross and shed tears ,but for me I know
I am growing through my tears ,just like you are  dear Joya,
It’s not possible to see this right now Joya ,but one day I promise you
You will see what precious gifts each one of all your children have given you.
 
 

 
I needed Louis to mend my own brokn heart,and Joya each day Little Louis is
 indeed healing me in ways I never ever though possible...
so my child came to me to heal his Mummy...what a gift what a gift...
 
sorry Now Joya to ramble but Joya never give up hope,or life as both
 of these are so precious they really are.
 
Your three Angel's have changed you Joya in the most beauitful way,
but right now that mist is around you but one day this will lift and you
will see your precious gifts all around you....
 
 
Over the years there are fewer tears because Louis is living
in my heart.
 
You need time  dear Joya …

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dearest Sandra, What you said makes sense in many ways it really does. You were right Mother's Day was very hard for me in many ways. I do beleie that Kelsay and my other angel babies will forever live in my heart. I really do but sometimes we need more than to know. We need to feel them. If that makes any sense and to me that is so hard as I can't feel them. I know that Kelsy and my other angel babies are waiting for me in Heaven a long with your Louis waiting for you. Every day we long for our babies and that will NEVER END!
Sandra, I'm sorry that you have hurt for Louis and that you still are. Many times I sill ask God why me? why did my babies not stay but you know, I don't ever believe that we will get the answers we are looking for till we see God face to face. In saying that, I am sure that He had his reasons for taking our beloved babies.
I know that many pople say that I need time and I do think that that is right. I think in time I will start to see the reality of things and start to see what gifts that my angels have truly left left me. I know that my angels will always live forever in my heart. Thanks again Sandra for your post and for taking time out of your busy day to post to me, pray for me and to light candles. You are truly an ispiration to me. Love Always, Joya

"LIFE IS NOT MEASURED IN THE BREATHS WE TAKE, IT IS MEASURED IN HOW MANY MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!"

I needed Louis to mend my own brokn heart

Dearest Sandra, it is so wonderful to hear you say that Louis is indeed mending your own broken heart..........something he could never have done in life.
 
I hope this isn't hurtful to you when I say that because it is said with much Love, and I hope you understand what I mean.
 
Jude ♥

Love is the only way

Dearest Joya,
 
I can't feel Louis in the sense of touch but I know he is with me as I see beautiful signs each and everyday.
 
Joya when it's sunny this could be Kelsey warming your face with kisses
when you see rainbows this could be your little ones in Heaven painting rainbows for their special Mummy...
 
I have no hurt for Louis none at all I hope this does not come across as uncaring.
It has taken me three years and an awful lot of battering to
reach this point Joya.
 
Be gentle on yourself  and let other's help you along your journey.
 
Keep looking out for signs they will  enrich your life  in many ways.
 

 
 
 
 
Dearest Jude I do understand what you mean and I also know you
said this out of love and shear happiness for me. How could your words
be something that could hurt me they are beauitful..thank you...
 
I know Louis could never of mended my heart if he lived,he may have
helped me become the Mother I wanted to be but for us it was always
going to be this way.I am forever grateful to Louis as he has indeed helped 
me . Now I must try and be true to me even though it's the hardest
and most painful thing for me right now ,but it is needed I think..
 
Thank you Jude ..thank you
 
♥
 
 

 
 
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Joya . . .
I hope that as the days go by
you are becoming able
to feel a sense of God's Grace all around you,
comforting you,
consoling you,
and bringing you back to life
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Joya,
I lit a candle last night  for you and your family.  I read  the posts here and am so moved by each and every one.  I have not lost a child. So I do not feel it would be appropriate to comment on the words here, other than to say that when we are in the depths of grief (which I have experienced on a different level) there is no way to fully comprehend the deeper truth of why this could have happened..  And yet, it is essential to allow the grief.  For this is the only way through it.  The questioning, the anger and all.  I am so deeply sorry for the suffering that you experience.   But of course it is 100% understadable.
 
Sandra, you are a shining example of what happens when someone allows themselves to be present in their grief and move through it..........over time. 
 
As I said, I have not lost a child.  So I feel a bit odd even writing as much as i have.  I am sending love and light and angels to you all as well as the beautiful  little angels who have touched your lives, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.