Dear Joya,
I agree with all Liliwings says. I know people who push away their grief and I wonder how they can! As Liliwings says, it comes back at some time in their lives.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Lilwings, I am still up as I can't sleep ( as usual) and I happend to see your post. I do believe like you have said that I need to deal with my grief now. I didn't really start dealing with the grief of my 2 other babies till about this time last year when I was talking to Sandra and joined her forum. Back then I was young and my parents didn't agree with my hubby and I was all alone. I was so scared to even deal with it. I had hardly any friends at the time because we had all gone on with our lives and were doing our own thing and I was trying to act like my marriage was all together and I was not getting beat on. I secretely blamed myself for years and often still do for all the miscarriages and I have held a grudge towads my ex-hubby for his abuse towards me.I have to realize that it might not have been his abuse but that it could have been that it might not have been meant to be. Last year I finally got to where I would talk about the babies I had lost. I felt bad that back then I didn't even think to name the babies a name that could be for either gender. I also don't think that I realized (like I have said in another post) what I was truly missing until I did have other children. I know for some that might sound crazy. I know this is sad to admit but I didn't even tell my parents about my miscarriages until a month ago when I lost Kelsey. I love my parents and I would do anything for them but I knew that they would always look down on me and they would not understand. When I lost Kelsey almost 2 months ago now, I thought that I might as well tell them because they wanted to know how I thought and knew that I was loosing the baby(Kelsey). I then told them that I had been down that road twice before. It happend like I thought and my parents don't want to really acknowledge it but that is ok. At least I told them which I have been struggling with that for many years. As far as my son's nurse, she did admit to me that in the past she has dealt with depression and that she had gotten past it. I don't think though she realized how insensitive she sounded. She has been really good to check on Kayden and his tracheamalasia and having problems when he was born and also staying up with his growth etc as they question whether they had my dates wrong and if he might have been a premie. I had just had so much go on today that I think that I just lost it with her and started crying. She did  tell me that I needed to go on anti-depresants till this "blew over" and once I got on them I would feel so much better. I don't think that she realizes that it doesn't happen like that when you lose a loved one. I have to realize not only am I needing to realize and deal with my grief but I have my kids to think about too as they still mention it on a daily basis. Even my 5 year old just yesterday asked why our baby died and why can't we have the baby back. To push that to the side would be like you said having to deal with another time and my kids would have to at some point later do it too. I do also think like you said that others do push their pain away. I know that I have had friends do that and they have told me that that is not the route to take.
 
Thanks again  for taking the time to post. You don't know how much it means to me. As far as the song, my hubby was surprised when he heard Miley Cyrus singing that song too as he said" she is real young, how and what does she know about how life can be yet?" I did tell him that sometimes it not all roses being famous that even famous people have "mountains in their life to climb" Everyone does. Take care Lilwings. You are a special person. With love ALways, Joya
  

Thank you Jessica for the song . . .
it has great significance to me too . . .
always will . . .
I am sorry Joya,
that you had such an 'unpleasant' experience with the visiting nurse.
Unfortunately the label "nurse" doesn't always translate into compassion.
Be well, dear one.
Listen to your own heart and you will heal
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joya,
thanks for telling mea bit more about your married life.  There are so many things I want to say. but I will keep it brief.  I also want to say that if you disagree with anything i have written, then by all means, please know that I am incorrect
 
First, being abused, verbally or any other way,  tears people down.  It wears away at their fabric unless they get help.  Or thats what I have observed in people.  Abuse creates wounds in the fabric of their soul.  Often they believe it is really their fault and feel shame and do not get help.  Even years later.    Any human being who has been abused deserves help.  especially while they are working through the loss of three babies.  They deserve to heal and close up those wounds that abuse causes.
 
Second, you are staying awake nights.  Lack of sleep is known to make life  much, much more difficult to handle. It also is one of the signs of depression, although insomnia alone surely does not mean someone is depressed. 
 
Of course, Joya, the nurse is wrong.  Antidepressants would not fix things.  They would not make things go away or get better.  But the right antidepressant could maybe stabalize your worn out aghausted system while you are working on this.  Anyone who is working through all you are is a hero in my book.  Strong.  But I also know that they usually are getting medicinal support while doing it.....  And counselling..  So they can increase the effectivness of healing what can be healed.  
 
by the way, I do not believe the nurse really has "gotten past" the core of her depression.  Personally, I think that If she had, she would not have chosen the words she did.  She surely was speaking in an unconscious manner.  Maybe she has "gotten past" it.  But I am not convinced.  I am glad she is good for Kayden.  Thats a huge blessing.
 
Joya, I have been surrounded all my life by relatives who could not really see me.  This was not because of any flaw in me.  But rather that they do not have the courage or ability to go where I have gone.  I am very different from them. Thats a good thing.  But a difficult thing.   So they admonish it, or tell me I am wrong.  etc etc.  It is so difficult for me to believe in myself, and my choices in the face of them telling me I am wrong or  misled..  Or even the knowledge that they would dissaprove.  Its a very lonely place in which to be. 
 
I respect you Joya,  you are not running away from what needs to be healed.  Sending much love and light and angels to hold you up and heal you and your family, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dearest Lilwings, your post made me feel so good that you care enough to write me.  First of all, I am not with ex husband any more that was so abusive. I got the will power to leave after I was so scared to do it but I did it as I knew that if I didn't I might not survive. My hubby now is the one of the greatest things that has happend to me in my life. He has 2 kids when we married of one he was raising (Richard) all by himself. The other was already son hade already moved out. Then I was a single parent of Kyle, who was only 1 at the time.  WE have been together for almost 10 years of which over 5 we have been married.  We do have 3 kids together so we have a blended family. This is the first time that my hubby has had to deal with the loss of a baby so it has been hard on us both, The hospital actually let yus bring Kelsey home and my hubby buried her. As with any marriage was have had our problems but the main thing we have tried to work through most of the things. We are having alot of problems with Richard as he has some issues with ADD/ADHD and kust plain being a rebellious pre-teen and then we are having the issues dealing with the baby Kayden health but we are just trying to cope and deal how we can with what God throws our way. It has really been hard on our marriage since we lost Kelsey but I really think most of it is my fault as I have not let him be there for me. I think I have been more withdrawn but losing Kelsey brings back some of my past as well. I have since tried really hard to let him know how I am feelling and us talk about it as I know that he is hurting too.
 
As far as my sleep, I am on a sleeping medication but it has not really helped. I didn't start loosing slepp like this till I lost Kelsey. It died make it hard to not be ill and not stay tired when you are not getting enought sleep. I think I finally got 3 hours. I could not go to sleep till after 4. I have heard many say thought that insomnia is a sighn of depression.
 
As far as Kayden's nurse, I am like you, I don't believe that she has gotten over her depression. I am not here to judge her though and like you said and I deffiantely agree with she if she had gotten pat it could have been more sympathetic or could have done and said other things. I was so hurt after I got off the phone with her. I have no idea what she has gone thorugh in her life but the fact of being a nurse, you would think that she would have been more sensitive. I think that she knew that she stepped on my nerves though before we got off the phone.
 
As far as the family situation, I know exactly where you are coming from. I sometimes feel like I am the black sheep of the family. I only have one brother and he is a alchoholic and I have always thought that my parents played favotires with him. As I have said many time before, my parents are very religious and by no means am I a saint but you know I try to do what I am suppose and live like I am suppose to. I don't beat my family or abuse anything and I fell like they don't see these things. My brother is always upheld and he has caused ,any problems for my parents in the past. In fact, I was sent to a boarding school becuase of my brother when  I was a teenager as my parents I feel like got burned out and didn't want me to run away, be a alchoholic like my brother. I didn't see my parents for over a year and (but was gone a total of 2 years altogether) then had to come back home because the school closed. WE had the worst things happen to us girls there at the boarding school and it was like my parents don't want to acknowledge that they ever sent me away. My mom has said she was sorry and she tries to make up for it now spending time with my kids but I really think that that is why I married so early. I was just wanting someone to love me. Everyone make mistakes though and we learn from our mistakes. I think that my ex hubby and I both if we could have it to do over again we would have waited till we were oldert to have married. I do miss all my 3 angal babies though and will always wonder what would have happend if they couls have stayed with me. Sorry this has been so long. Lilwings, just be yourself no matter what family, people or friends want you to be as you are just special the way you are. Take CAre, Love ALways, Joya
 
 

Joya,
I am glad to know that it is not your current husband who was so abusive.  Thats a relief.  Altnough I do wonder if you got the help you deserve to have healed properly from the abuse from the previous marriage.  I do believe you deserve that !!!!!
 
I really hope that you can find a right medication that will help you to sleep.  Because Joya, trying to get through this while sleep deprived sounds way too huge. 
 
You have so much coming up now Joya.  So much. I am going to pray that you get the good help that you deserve.  And oh how you deserve it, with the mountain of things you have encountered in your life.  I will pray for a compassionate smart wise person to come into your life locally who can help you through this.  Of course  never ever to take the place of your family here !!!  Because we all love you so much. 
 
I am lighting another candle for you Joya.  In hope that you receive the local help that you so deserve while climbing  this mountain of healing.  Sending love and light and respect, liliwings
 

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dearest Lilwings, you have been in my thoughts throughout the day today. I do have to day that the abuse that I suffered from my ex-hubby is not far from my mind, I have learned that it will probably always be there. To be honest with you, I have never thought about seeking help to talk about what has happend in my past. I don't know why. I guess these days some people thing that you should be able to handle anything that comes into your life without counciling or help. I do believe that I need to alos find the right medicine to help me sleep. I do believe that though some nights are better than others but it never is before 1 or 2 in the morning before I fall asleep. It didn't start though till I lost Kelsey. I am taking Ambien right now. It used to work for me years ao when I had an ocassional sleepless night. Maybe I should look into something else since I am still having trouble.  I do also believe that maybe I need to look into some help locally here. Some times it's time that I don't hve though to be able to even go somewhere and talk to someone. We have so much going on right now. I have just tried to get through these tough days myself. I never thought that it would be this hard. I know that no one locally could NEVER take the place of my "Gratefullness family here."No one could give me any amount of Money for all of your love and support here on this forum.  Y'all have helped me more than you know. I just hope that I am the support that you all need to. I love each and every one of ya'll so very much too. I have lit you another candle for you too Lilwings and the others as I know that I am not the only one having tough times... Take CAre Lilwings. Thanks for being a great friend and a very special person. With Love ALways, Joya
 
 

Dearest Joya,
 
My heart goes out to you! Your thought to get local help is a good one. It doesn't replace this cyber-family but supplements it.
You are included in the group hugwhich has been making its round on another thread (Today I am Gratefulness Challenged).
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Edda, I don't know what in the owrld was wrong with my computer last night but I tried posting to you three times and then I tried to copy it and it would not take it so, I am trying again.  Thanks for your post. It meant alot to me. I don't know when and if I will get time to get some grief cousilling as it is so hectic righ now. We like so many other have so very much going on.  I know that I still have ya'll to count on to be there for me and for that I am so grateful! Like I have said before NO ONE could EVER replace my cyber family. Ya'll mean a great deal to me. AS far as the group hug, I was on the other day on the gratefully challenged when it was going on and I could use one of them any time. TAke care Edda. I have also lit another candle for you. With Love ALways, Joya 

Dearest Joya,
 
I am sorry you had so much trouble posting! Perhaps it is not your computer since I have had trouble answering on occasion. Going to a different thread and then returning has helped.
 
We have gently told you in the past that the children who are with you need all of you.
You may feel that you don't have time to get help, but perhaps you don't have time, NOT to get help. Feeling better might also help you  to feel stronger in dealing with all your very real challenges. No pressure, just a thought!
 
Thank you for your candle!
 
I keep you in my prayers and in my heart,
 
Much love and another group hug, 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Joya
 
I pray that healing in many forms comes your way today and forever after..
 
Children are like little sponges and they take in many many things.
 
Joya if you are in good health and mind your children will flourish even more.
 
I know you would do anything in the world to help your children Joya...
 
Please no matter how difficult it may be find time for you to get the help
 
you so badly need.
 
Love and understanding Sandraxx  
  
  
 

 
 
 
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

You may feel that you don't have time to get help, but perhaps you don't have time, NOT to get help. Feeling better might also help you to feel stronger in dealing with all your very real challenges.

 
Dear Joya,
I agree wjholeheartedly with both Edda and Sandra.
 
Sent with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dearest Joya,
 
I hope this finds you feeling some strength and hope today. I have not had the internet the last few weeks and see I have much to catch up on here. I am still praying for Kayden and you and your whole family. I just wanted to take a minute to write to you here and extend my virtual hug too. (((((HUG))))))
 
Remember to take it one day at a time, my friend. thats all any of us can do!
 
Love Karen

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Dearest Joya
 
I found this song and I thought of you and your little Angel's...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Z4H5_1f1E&feature=related
 
Good night my angel time to close you eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Where ever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away


Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

(Musical Bridge)
Do do do do...

*Goodnight my angel now it's time to dream
And dream how wondeful your life will be
Someday your child will cry and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die that's how you and I will be
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Edda, Sandra, Jude and Karen, thanks for your post as they still mean so very much to me. I have thought about what each and every one of you have said. I will try to get some help for my grief. Even if I get to talk to some friends, it is better than Nothing. Plus, like I said before ya'll have been here for me and that has helped more than you know. I do want my kids to be as happy as they can be and I want to be the best mom I can be. Thanks again for your suggestions. Love to each and every one of you. Love ALways, Joya
 
Sandra, thanks for that song. I am waiting for it to load. Thanks for taking the time to post this for me.

Dear Joya,
 
I am glad that you are giving serious thought to getting help, and I hope you will take the next step! You know that we continue to be here for you to support you as we have been doing.
 
Wishing you courage, hope and strength,
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Joya,
while I have not been to the thread for a few days to post, I have lit candles. I know you are aware of this.  I am proud of you for agreeing to get help.  Your chidlren and you deserve for you to get help.  Of course this would not take the place of our love and support.  That continues as always.  Because we love you.  But dont you deserve everything possible to get you through this time?
 
Heres what I think. I think there are times in our lives when lots of accumulated pain comes up for healing.  Its hugeeeeeeeeee.  Its often triggered by an event.  Then all the hurt and pain that we put away to deal with another day......... or not, is right there.   These are the times when we get help.  Because these are the times when we can heal so much......... if we truely work on it.  I hope that makes sense. 
 
I believe in you Joya. I believe in your heart.   Because its a beauty of a heart.  That beauty of a heart deserves to have help to get through this mountain of pain.  good kind understanding supportive help right where you live.  I am proud of you for seeing that this would help.  Really proud of you.  Just remember,  this is really big because its a lot of stuff thats been put away for another day.  But you can heal some of it during this period of time.  And be free from it.  And of course your angel babies will always be in your heart.  Of course.

love to you Joya, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dear, dear Joya . . .
I have missed this thread,
as I have missed a few others over the weekend,
but I hope that you know you have been
and still are very much in my heart.
It cheers me to hear that you are thinking of getting outside help.
Edda is right you know . . .
you don't have the time NOT to get help.
It is not a shame to need assistance . . .
and you will be better able to be there for those who depend on you.
If we didn't make the time for many things we say we don't have time for
what a meager and miserable this life would be.
We will still and always be here for you
as you work your way through your pain
with much love for you dear . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Edda, thanks for you post and your love and support. This means so very much to me.
 
Dear Lilwings, thanks for your post as well. It made sense to me. I don't expect everyone to post on my thread as I know that you all have busy lives too. It does make me feel good to know that so many people care for me and my family and what happens to me. I have noticed your candles and any one elses who have lit me one as I go there and light candles most every day. I think that I will call and see what kind of grief councilling they have in my area or even a support group. I have said so many times. NOTHING WILL TAKE THE PLACE OF MY GRATEFULNESS FAMILY! I so appreciate everyone here and have grown to love each and every one of you. I do believe what you said about" Heres what I think. I think there are times in our lives when lots of accumulated pain comes up for healing.  Its hugeeeeeeeeee.  Its often triggered by an event.  Then all the hurt and pain that we put away to deal with another day......... or not, is right there.   These are the times when we get help.  Because these are the times when we can heal so much......... if we truely work on it.  I hope that makes sense.  This makes so much sense to me. I agree with you. I know that I have accumulated lots of pain. Especially from my past about different things. I think many of us think that we can deal with it ourselves then one day turns into many years of pain and then when something else terrible happens in our lives, it is life a volcano. I have not thought about it like that till you have said it.  Like I said I am going to see what councilling they offer in my area and also a support group. My hubby works ususally 3rd shift and so he sleeps during the day so it's very difficult to get things done if I don't take the kids with me. I might have to see if he can change schedules or something for awile. I am trying just to deal with things right now as they might end up laying him off. It is a waiting game on his job. We hope that this will not happen. Again, thanks for taking your time to post, share your thoughts and light candles for me. You like so many others on here are so special to me.
 
Llsparrow, thanks also for your post as you also mean the world to me. I know that if I can get some help with my grief that I will be better for my kids and possibly my hubby. I know that I have ya'll to always lean on and that mean more than you will ever know. I know like I said that it is impossible to get to every thread on here everyday. Just to know that someone has thought about me makes me feel good. Thanks again to you too.
 
Much Love to everyone of you. You don't know how much you meant to me. Love ALways, Joya

Dear All, I would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers as it has been a real hard 2 weeks for me and my family for a number of reasons. It seems like it's one thing after another. In 6 days, it will be 2 months since we have lost Kelsey. My pain and grief is so very hard to deal with right now.I have my good days and bad just like anhyone else. I would just appreciate you thoughts and prayers as it has been such a painful hard time for us all. Thanks, Love ALways, Joya