Would please do me do me a favor and light me a candle? I lost a baby due to miscarriage this past Monday April 6. I has just found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. We found out by ultrasound and we found the baby and the baby heartbeart. We were not expecting this but we were all excited about the baby even the kids. I had started bleeding about twice once I found about about my pregnancy. I was so scared that I would loose the baby that I have not said a whole lot to anyone. My worst nightmare came true. This past weekend I was soooooo sick and nausiated. I just thought I had morning sickness or I had a stomach virus. I went to go to the bathroon Monday and that is when that I noticed I was bleeding real bad . I then told my hubby I was loosing the baby. I then went with my sister to the doctor and by the time I got there I was bleeding very bad with big clots. I then had my ultrasound and I told the lady not to wait till I saw the doctor but to tell me if my baby was dead. She then told me that yes my baby heart had quit beating. She then said that it would be awhile before I would deliver the baby so she brought the doctor in and the doctor said that I would have to have an D/C and D/E done. They could not get me in till WEdnesday for my surgery so they sent me home with pain pills. Well Tuesday afternoon came and I started contracting lots and I was in alot of pain. I then started passing even bigger clots so I called the doctor and I was rushed to the doctor afraid that I was going to bleed out. When I got there I went in the bathroom and there my baby was born. I still ended up having to have the surgery though as I was bleeding do much and passing so many clots and I still had tissue up in my body. So, here I am today writing this with such a broken heart. As many of you know, this is my 3rd miscarriage and it doesn't get any easier. I am so very mad at everyone and everything right now. So many people have said I am sorry and that is nice of them but that is not going to bring my babies I lost back!!!!!Alot of people say that I should not be upset as I have more kids at home but you know every baby and child is different. I love all my kids whether they be my step-kids or my biological kids. I will always love my kids and will always love my angel babies that I have lost. I am so heart broken as it has been so hard telling and explaining this to my kids. They already had a name picked out and every thing.  The kids have taken it very hard as you can imagine as well as this is the first time my hubby has had to deal with this. Please just light a candle and keep us in your thoughts as we try to get through this very hard time in our lives. It has been so hard writing this post. Thanks for reading this and if I don't answer your post for a few days it is not that I am agnoring you, it is that I am trying to sort things out. Thanks again for all the support that ya'll have given me in the past. It's friends like you that help the world go round. With love....

Dear Joya,
There really are no words to express my sorrow for your loss.  No words to bring you comfort, or to ease the pain.  Please just know that I am praying for you.  And thinking of you with great love in my heart.  My deepest sorrow goes to you and your family during this time.  I have lit a candle in a group called  Joya.  With love and light, liliwings

Dearest Joya,
 
My heart goes out to you in your deep sorrow. Words are of little comfort and sound empty.
So, I assure you that I wil keep you and your family in my prayers and light a candle for you.
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Joya,
I'm glad you found the courage to come here and post.
 
My heart aches for you and I will be lighting candles for you and your family, and the lttle angel you have lost.
 
With Much Love,
Jude ♥

Love is the only way

Dear Joya, it is very hard to be a mother and to lost a baby at the same time - I want to say I know dear how are you feeling but you MUST take good care of yourself and your health right now,because all your children need you so much and for a so long time ahead!That is why it is difficult to be a mom and to lost a baby ! I know that your heart is broken and full of sorrow. I will pray for your health and strength to go through this hard and painfull time for you and your family.

~with regards and love~
   Buba,Goran's mom

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments,
but what is woven into the lives of others." Pericles

Joya Dear,
 
My thoughts are with you at this sad time.
 
I am sure no matter how many earth children you have this does not take away the
 
heartache of loosing a child that you had hopes and dreams for.
 
Your children will recover from this, but for you you need time and love from all
 
around you to help you in many ways.
 
 
Joya I know it's easier said than done but you really need to try and rest your body

you really do.
 
I will light a candle for you and your 'forever Babies'.
 
Take care Joya Peace be with you this Easter and the coming days
 
and months ahead.
 
Sandraxx ♥

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear, dear Joya . . .
Thank you for feeling that you could trust us
with your deep heartache . . .
we hold you tenderly in our arms,
and pray for you in the coming days
with much love and compassion . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

i hold you in my heart prayerfully...i am so sorry to hear of your loss.

love to you...

[image]http://img185.imageshack.us/my.php?image=bcandle3fq9.gif[image]

To everyone who has posted I really appreciate it more than you know. Right now my feelings, are soo raw. I can't eat, can't sleep. When I do sleep and wake up I catch myself asking my hubby am I still pregnant or did I loose the baby and have surgery. My mind is not wanting to accept this and I guess the rest of me is not either. The hospital gave us the baby to bring back home and bury. My hubby went ahead and buried the baby where we can always visit and we are going to plant flowers that bloom year around on the grave. As far as the baby's name we told the kids since we will never know whether it was a boy or girl to pick a unisex name that they can call the baby instead of just calling the baby baby. The kids have really taken this hard as well. I guess it will just take us awhile to get through this. You never get over something like this but I don't know what is next. The hospital sent us a bereavemant packet home and I just can't stand to even look at them. I have found myself just wanting to confine myself to my house and room and not wanting people to come over. The reason I have done some things is for the kids. I know that I have to go on for the kids but I am dying inside. We are suppose to have lots of company Sunday for Easter and I don't know what to do as I don't feel like I am going to handle it well at all. I think that I will always hate Easter now. I believe in God and many of you know that my dad is a preacher but it's like I told my patrents and others it's hard to believe that God would make a innocent child's heart just quit beating or make a innocent child have a disease or be born sick etc. I don't understand. I feel like that if God knew that this was going to happen, why did he let me get pregnant to start with. I know this sounds selfish but it's not fair to the baby to be conceived then all the sudden be in Heaven. The pain in my heart is so strong right now. I just hope that my baby didn't feel any pain. The doctor who did my surgery said that I was a high risk case when I get pregnant but he did go on to say that if he was me, that he would go ahead and try to have another baby quickly. He said that that is what most clients he has does. Especially since we have kids invlovled. He said that if we don't have any more kids, the kids will always have a negativity in their mind on the baby versus if we have another baby, then this baby will be missed but the kids will have their love to give the new baby. It just doesn't make sense to me. Reguardlss when and if we decide to have another baby, the pain will still be there. Also, if we decide to try again the wondering if the next baby will die will be on our mind as well. Does that make any sense to anyone? Right now I feel like I can't make any decisions of any kind. I feel so numb to people, to the world. This is a nightmare and I feel I won't never wake up. Sorry this is so long and I am so negative right now. I can't help what I feel. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Dear Joya,
you are in my thoughts!

  This is a nightmare and I feel I won't never wake up.

I understand that feeling very well as I live in nightmare about 3 years...

Right now I feel like I can't make any decisions of any kind. I feel so numb to people, to the world.

Give yourself time dear, to get stronger , in body and in spirit ...
I'll keep you close to my heart tonight and pray for you...
~with love~
Buba,Goran's mom

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments,
but what is woven into the lives of others." Pericles

Dearest Joya,
What strikes me about your post is that everyone is giving you too much to deal with and think about just now. You are right to go within and just be by yourself. That is what your body/mind/soul needs, so go with it. This isn't the right time to make decisions of any kind.
 
I don't think I could cope with visitors just at the moment,if I were in your shoes, but you must do what your heart tells you. Dont be afraid to do what is best for you.
 
Above all Joya, you need time and the love of your children and husband. Draw strength from them.
 
You are never far from my thoughts dear Joya.
 
with Love and Hugs,
Jude
 

Love is the only way

Dear Joya,

As I read your post my heart aches for you!
This is not the time to make decisions and it isn't reasonable for anyone to expect you to! I think it is really important to let your body rest and heal, especially before you make any decisions about another pregnancy.

If you feel you have to have company, let others help. The women certainly will understand that you can't possibly be up to doing everything by yourself, that you are tired in body and spirit.

Healing your heart is more difficult. Today is Good Friday, and you are having your personal Good Friday! Why do these things happen? I don't have an answer. But then, why did God let his own Son suffer and die? We are told that God so loved the world that he wanted to share in our suffering.  Imagine Mary standing by the cross.  She knows how you feel!

Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

 

Peace and joy!

Dear Sweet Joya,

I sent you a PM and I also will go light some candles for you in the Joya group.
 
I want to talk more to you on the phone. Please call as much as you need or want to.
 
Praying for you at this most difficult of times.
 
With much love for you and your family, Karen
 
PS do not beat yourself up for anything you are feeling now. its only natural and understandable.

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Dear Joya,
 Your suffering is so understandable.  I agree with Jude and Edda,  This is not a time to make big decisions.  Trust your heart ....... in due time........ to make any decisions regarding the future.  Not now though.  Now is a time to get from moment to moment.   I am holding you in prayer.  liliwings

Dear Joya,
 
My heart breaks with you. May rest and healing accompany you each moment. Please accept my deepest sympathy at this time. I will light a candle for you and all of your family.
 
Peaace, Love and Joy,
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Dear, dear Joya . . .
Of course your feelings are raw . . .
this is one time for sure
that you must listen to those who care for you,
and to be kind to yourself . . .
allow yourself your grief,
and take care of your heart and your body.
And also,
to take the time you need
before making any decisions . . .
My heart goest out to you dear Joya . . .
I know this is painful for you,
but please know that my thoughts and prayers
are surely with you
with love and with tenderness . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

((((holding you in my heart, praying for you)))))

with love....

[image]http://img185.imageshack.us/my.php?image=bcandle3fq9.gif[image]

Thanks for all of your love and support and for all your lighted candles. I have had such a hard time dealing with this. My heart will be forever broken as I can't imagane what I have done to deserve this. My kids are still asking lots of questions and my 3 year old still thinks "her" baby is still in my tummy. The thought of never getting to see this baby and my other baby angels reach my other kids milestones hurts so deeply. I have a hard time sleeping at night (as now it is 1:30 am in the morning) and when I wake up I ask my hubby " am I still pregnant or did I loose the baby and have I had my surgery" It's like my mind is playing games with me. Then I look at my hards which look so badly bruised right now ( as the one hand and wrist they tried to get a vein and my vein blew and fillied up with I.V. fluid fast.) ( The other was from just the second I.V.) or I go to the bathroom and then it hits me this is no nightmare it is realilty and my baby will NEVER come back. I have so many unanswered questions. I have not ate in days. I just don't know what else to do.  Thanks again for your thoughts, prayers and candle lighting as they are so needed right now.

Dearest Joya,
We will continue to be here for you and to light candles for you.
Love wings it's way to you from our hearts which are hurting for you.
I can't imagine your grief, but do be gentle with yourself and just take one day at a time.
My heart goes out to your children too, who must find it so hard to understand. Time will heal them.
 
Blessings and Love to you dear Joya,
Jude ♥

Love is the only way

Dear Joya,

Words can not express the pain you are going through completely, but I feel honored that you feel strong enough to share your story with us. We are here to uplift you and keep your close at heart during this most difficult time.


My prayers continue for you and your husband and the other kids. Please get some rest and try not to overburden yourself at this tender time. I will go light more candles for you and your little one lost.

with hugs and Love,
karen

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Dear Joya . . .
Candles remain lit for you,
and for your family
who suffers with you.
Be kind to yourself . . .
one day you will see a flower
or hear a child's laughter,
and you will know that there is much of value
here now, in this life.
It does not seem that way now,
but we will have faith for you
until it lives in you again
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joya
I just found your thread request I will keep you
and your family in prayer as I read your post
regarding the miscarriage I had this thought of
a little cherub hovering around you I also had
a miscarriage many years ago and the thought
came to me that God has purpose even when we
cannot understand his ways it made me more
spiritually appreciative of the daughters I had
Namaste
Barbara

God I gratefully await and accept your miracles for me that I may be a witness to your wonder

Dear Joya, Sending prayers to you and your family. Lynn xo

DREAM WITH YOUR HEART!!

Dear Joya,  your angel is safe in the light and love of source.  I believe that heaven is vibrant and very much alive.  Of course even for those who believe this, of course it does not change the loss or the grieving.  I am praying for you and am lighting another candle.   Sending love and light to you, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

LILWINGS,SPARROW, LYNN, BABARA, AND I'M SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE ELSE'S NAME, I HAVE NOT DOUBT THAT ALL MY ANGEL BABIES ARE IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE AND THAT THEY ARE BEING TAKEN CARE OF BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I GUESS I FEEL SO SELFISH BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY BABIES HERE AND ME TAKING CARE OF THEM. I HOPE THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU. ANOTHER THING THAT HAS BOTHERED ME BESIDES ME BLAMING MYSELF ALL THE TIME FOR MY BABY NOT MAKING IT AND MY OTHER ONES TOO FOR THAT MATTER WAS I WONDER IF MY BABY EVEN THOUGH THE BABY WAS LITTLE I WONDER IF THE BABY DIED IN ANY PAIN. I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT EVERY INCH OR EVERY WAY OF THIS NIGHTMARE AND TO ME, I CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF ANY OF IT.THE FACT THAT THE BABY WAS SMALL AND DIDN'T ASKED TO BE CONCEIVED TO BEGIN WITH... I DON'T KNOW... IT'S ALL TOO CONFUSING ME. HOW DO YOU END UP COPING AND GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE AFTER THINKGS LIKE  THIS HAPPEN TO YOU? I WANT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS WAS FOR THE BEST AND THAT GOD HAS HIS REASONS BUT TO ME, THESE ARE ALL FOREIGN WORDS RIGHT NOW TO ME.... TO ME THERE ARE NO RYME OR REASON TO HURTING A MOM, DAD AND KIDS AND A INNOCENT BABY.... PLEASE I HOPE SOMEONE CAN MAYBE HELP ME SORT SOME OF THIS OUT. THANKS FOR ALL THE OUT POUR OF LOVE AND LIGHTING CANDLES. I WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL. 

GOD HAS HIS REASONS BUT TO ME, THESE ARE ALL FOREIGN WORDS RIGHT NOW TO ME.... TO ME THERE ARE NO RYME OR REASON

 
Dearest Joya,
Don't even try to work it out. I know from experience that no answers make sense.
Just concentrate of getting yourself physically well again, and lean on all the Love which is being sent your way. Lean on your husband and children and friends.
 
My dear, it is my belief that your babies just died, and didn't experience any pain at all. Please know that you didn't do anything wrong.
 
Please do come back here and pour it all out. We are here waiting to hold you.
 
With much Love and Hugs,
Jude

Love is the only way

My beloved Joya,
 
I do not think there are any answers to the types of questions you have. I know you will keep wondering but perhaps when those thoughts come up you could tell yourself over and over that there is no way to know and that you did nothing wrong to deserve or cause this loss.
 
It has worked for me in the past to "self-talk" and remind myself that somethings are just not in my control and are not my fault,even when they feel so much like they are. If you say these things enough over time they might help soothe you and I have actually learned to believe the things I say to myself with the kindness of a friend.  I hope what I am trying to say makes sense. I treat myself as I would treat a special person in my life, because I am! You are a most special person Joya. Please believe it. Would you think these things about blaming regarding someone you love? I dont believe you would. You understand what I am trying to say?? I hope so as I am trying to supportive and uplifting. I hope nothing I ever say or write upsets you more.   :)
 
talk to you soon I hope,
Love Karen

integrity is shown when no one is looking

Joya, I am going to just say two things in answer to your post.  Its what I have been taught in my minister healer training.  According to everything I was taught, the soul is not totally in the body this soon. it comes and goes. I do not think your precious angels suffered at all. not at all.  The second thing I want to tell you is that none of the angels that left so soon were due to anything you did wrong.  nothing was your fault.   But I think it will be important for you to try to find a way to understand or believe that.  Because self blame is so harmful honey.  They say its the most harmful thing anyone can carry.  I am sure that nothing was your fault.  Sure of it.  I am sending prayers Joya. Healing from these losses can happen.  I pray that you will know it was never your fault.  Never.  I am sorry for your suffering.  Because I love and respect you.  Liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dear Joya . . .
Sometimes
I think we are not ready to know the answers
while we live here on earth.
Perhaps that is why we are given the opportunity
to have faith
until we are ready . . .
I pray for you
blessings of faith and of healing
with much love and tenderness . . .
sparrow
 

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joya,
 
My thoughts are with you right now,there is no reason why our beloved children were taken
and for me now I have come to realize this.
 
I asked the same questions as you when my little one was born .
 
It's hard to have faith when it gets stretched by grief  it really is.
 
I hope that you some how find the strength you need to carry you through these dark days
and that you will see light again soon.
 
Take care Joya XX
 
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Jude, Lilwings, Karen,Sparrow & Sandra, thanks for all your posts. I think that you are right in some ways about NEVER knowing some of the answeres to our questions... Reguardless whether we have the answers or not, we still wonder and I think that it always will be that way on our minds. The fact that I am having a hard time with my faith right now bothers me. I know that I have always been taught (as you know my dad is a preacher)that God does things for a reason. Some reasons we will never find out. I am still so mad and upset that God would let things happen like this to me or others for that matter. Also I have had so much guilt about my babies and what I could have possibly done to not let them survive but the fact is, you are right I will never know the cause of any of my babies deaths and I could have done nothing to prevent this.
 
I went back to see my doctor yesterday as I was having some problems (along with crying all the time, the guilt, not sleeping etc). The doctor (which I have had for all my babies) just sat down and talked to me for awhile and he basically said the some things that you have all said. The only thing that I thought was sad was that he said that 1 out of 5 woman end up loosing their babies to miscarriage. I thought that that was so very sad and such a big number. Then I got to thinking how may women have gone through this same guilt, through this same heartache. I can't imagine. The doc went on to say that he thought that when I am ready( of course) that if he were me that he would go on to try for another baby and that if we decided to have another baby, he would do some other things with me to maybe insure that the baby would maybe make it this next time. He also said that generally just because you have 1 miscarriage doesn't neccessary mean the next pregnancy will end in misc. He also told me that I was taken it out too much on myself and that it was by no means my fault. He told me that I was one of his best clients as far as taking care of myself. He just said that somethimes that even though we want the baby to survive that sometimes it's not meant to be and that we have to accept that that was what is meant to be. So, on that note he did say that it would deffinately take some time for my body to get over this nightmare and more time for my mental and emotional state. Please just keep me in your thoughts as this still is so very hard to accept and harder I think because the kids have not accepted it yet either. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Please if you think about it keep us in your thoughts and keep the candles lit for me and my family. ALso, on last minute I have to take my mom to the beach for her job next week as my dad is going to have to have surgery and can't drive. I don't want to but she has no one else as she still can't drive because of her ankle, foot etc. My mom thinks that it will also do me some good to get away and maybe reflect a little. Please just keep me in your thoughts and the kids as I take them that maybe this will help heal us some. Thanks for reading and I will post when I get back. Love to each and everyone of you. Sorry this is so long.

Dearest Joya,
 
thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. No need to apologize for the length of your post! Your doctor is very wise. Healing as well as grieving take time!
 
I just lit a candle for you!
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Joya,
 
I agree that it is very sad that so many women miscarry. Of course there are many many reasons for it, but often Nature knows better than us, and that is all that happens. I remember reading, when I was having children, that most women, if not all, will lose a baby without even knowing they are pregnant. That's a hard fact to take on board, but somehow makes it easier to believe that miscarriage was indeed, not our fault. It's Nature. 
 
Those little ones will be forever in your heart.
 
I'm so glad you went back to your doctor...a very kind and wise man.
 
I will be thinking of you and your family as you take your Mom to the beach. A big step for you and probably an important one. I hope you will take some time for yourself too.
 
With much Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dearest Joya ,
 
I too feel we will always 'wonder' this is all part of being human.
I guess we will never know but at times the pain will always make
us question why.
 
Joya I am so pleased you shared with your doctor ,I am sure it
was not easy but you have taken the first step of reaching out
for help.
 
It is sad that so many women miscarry it really is.
 
The doc went on to say that he thought that when I am ready( of course) that if he were me that he would go on to try for another baby and that if we decided to have another baby, he would do some other things with me to maybe insure that the baby would maybe make it this next time.
 
Joya please don't put pressure on yourself  in mind or body as to weather you want another baby yet.I just feel that you need to heal your body and mind a little before you make such big decisions.
 
You and only you will know when the time is right .
 
Enjoy your day Joya and well done for getting out and about .
 
Sandra ♥

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Joya,

It is only now that I have read your message. I am moved to tears, feeling your pain as well as mine of 34 years ago, when I lost my second child due to miscarriage. I expected her to be a girl, and I named her Theresa. I have often talked to her since then, and Faith tells me to look forward to seeing and being with her one day.

I am going to light a candle for you and your precious baby, with Love, Compassion and Tenderness.

Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Dear Juliana,
 
I would like to light a candle for you and Theresa. It is one of my daughter's names and she too lost her second child to miscarriage.
 
With Love, Jude
 

Love is the only way

Thank you, dear Jude. This is so kind of you. We are all connected, aren´t we?

Dear Joya, I am thinking of and praying for you.

Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Candles are burning for all lost babies....
 

 
 Buba,Goran's mom

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments,
but what is woven into the lives of others." Pericles

You know . . .
reading these posts, Juliana, Joya, Sandra, Buba, and Isabella  . . .
and others like me who have lost children
(and others in fact, whom we have loved) . . .
looking into the picture of the lit candles in the dark,
hearing the words of comfort and love
from Jude, liliwings, Edda and Karen . . .
it occurs to me that as a ship is lost to sight from shore,
like these children are lost to us,
there is another shore to which they have been greeted,
and they are not truly lost at all,
but have done what they came here to do
and have moved on
not without love
but without fear.
 
We don't understand this perhaps
because we still see death as the bogeyman.
I am learning that death is just a door into rebirth . . .
I hope I do not hurt with these words,
and they are relatively new to my tongue as well.
It is hard to stomach when we are so emotionally attached
and do not want to let them go . . .
but go they must,
as must we someday as well,
and I think that in the end,
it will not be so scary after all
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Reading all the posts brings me back to my return to church after Robby died. Instead of being angry with God for my son leaving so soon, I embraced Him. Knowing that he was going Home made me want to keep in touch with him. So I went to the 'source'. I was drawn closer to Him because He would be taking care of Robby now and I know he was safe, free from pain. As hard as it is for me some days that Robby isn't here with me, I can accept that he is in a better place. And I am grateful that God trusted I was going to be the best Mom for Robby for the 33 years he was here. The least I can do is trust Him.
Prayers and blessings. Love, Lynn xo

DREAM WITH YOUR HEART!!