Dear Jude Edda and Sparrow,
I didn't hear from the doctor today hopefully I will hear tomorrow otherwise it will be monday before I get my blood results. Mum has made an appointment to see her doctor on monday as she woke up last night in pain again and needed to take some painkillers then couldn't get back to sleep for ages. I just hope that the doctor can give her an answer as to what is causing the pain whether its due to the bronchitis or something else. She is getting fed up of feeling unwell I will see her tomorrow. I spoke to her this evening and she said she was really tired and poor Rye was in a state it been bonfire night and fireworks going off he is terrified of the fireworks or any loud bangs.
Today hasn't been a good day with the thoughts in my head of doing something to myself. It gets harder and harder not to give into the thoughts. I just wonder if I'm just putting off the inevitable by trying not to do anything when really I should just give in to them I don't know what to think
love sharon
 

Dearest Sharon,
 
There are better days and worse ones as you have already experienced. Doing something to yourself is not in the category of inevitable things. Please, don't do this to your mother. I suggested before to dispose of any means to that end.
Sharon , you are loved, you are a great support to your mother, you are a very caring, loving woman as can be seen from your posts for others. Whatever physical problems you may have can contribute to the way you feel. Talk to your doctor the way you talk to us and allow yourself to be helped!
 
I hope your mother will get the help she needs to feel better!
 
My love and prayers are with you and your mother,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Sharon . . .
I heartily echo Edda's comments on this . . .
doing what you are thinking of doing is most certainly not inevitable.
I tell you Sharon,
that I was in that space some years ago,
and now,
looking back,
I can see what has been gained
through continuing to live . . .
I tell you this
from someone who has been there . . .
it is so hard to see the long view
but it is there
whether or not you can see it.
Don't just hang in there . . .
dispose of the thought of destroying yourself as an option,
because believe me,
it is no option
as cleverly disguised as it might be . . .
go to bed tonight,
get up tomorrow morning,
do what you have to do,
love your mother,
take Rye for a walk,
go to bed tomorrow night
and get up the next day.
You will see,
over time,
how one day leads to the next
and life continues
with both its joys and its sorrows,
and I promise you
if you do this,
some day you will raise your eyes
and you will say,
"yes, it has all been worth it
with much love" . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Hello dear Sharon,
 
I agree with everything Edda and Sparrow have said to you. Ending it all is NOT the answer, definitely. I know that, if you do as Sparrow says and keep going, one day you will look back and be glad you didn't make that decision for yourself. As Edda says, your low iron and other health problems will contribute to how you feel. Look after your health and it will look after you.
Taking Rye out for a walk is a good idea...you might even meet new friends that way. In my experience dog lovers like to talk to each other.
 
I'm very glad your mother is seeing her doctor again, if only to put her mind at rest, which I hope will be the case.
 
Lighting candles for you both and keeping you in my heart and thoughts,
 
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon,

Let me echo what Edda, Sparrow and Jude have said so well - it´s what I feel and think, too. Please do listen to the positive thoughts you also have, not to those negative ones! It needs a lot of courage, but from all I know about you from your posts, you do have the strength to muster it up!

Caring for you, with much Love,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Edda Sparrow Jude and Juliana
Thank you for your messages and I'm sorry I haven't been on here for a while. Edda I know you are right about getting rid of any tablets I have which I could use to harm myself it has been said before by doctors but I can't seem to do it. I don't know why I can't just throw them away and take away the means but its like I have to know they are there in case they are needed and if I did throw them away I would only buy more. Why can't I just be strong and do it but I am too weak. Sparrow I am sorry you were in that dark place once its not a nice place to be at all and I am glad you came out the other end and that you are happy you didn't give up. I wish I could look to the future but I can't see any future for myself and keep asking myself why am I still here and whats the point to life but so far I've not come up with any answers
I was at the hospital this afternoon to see my kidney consultant my kidney function has got worse again and my blood pressure was quite high even though I'm on tablets for it. So he wants the gp to keep an eye on my blood pressure as he said high blood pressure can affect the kidneys. I asked him how bad is my kidney function going to get and he said he doesn't know what they do know is my left kidney is all scarred and my right one has some scarring too its just a case of monitoring it with regular blood tests. I just feel like I'm living in limbo land not knowing whats going to happen and its not at all easy.
Mum is slowing getting better she is still having the pain in her back sometimes and sometimes severe pain. She saw her doctor last week and the doctor thinks the pain will go eventually. The pain is where the gp she saw who sent her to hospital heard a funny noise and the gp thinks that is where the infection has been. She is getting really fed up of been stuck in but the cold weather seems to make the pain worse so she hasn't been able to get out much at all.
love sharon

Dearest Sharon,
 
Good to hear from you! I am glad your mother is slowly improving. Yes, cold, wet weather doesn't help. It keeps my husband in as well. Most of us are literally "under the weather" at least from time to time. The weather is a universal topic of conversation.
 
I am glad you have seen your doctors. It is difficult to predict precisely how kidney disease might progress in an individual person. High bloodpressure certainly can damage the kidneys and this is something that can be controlled!
 
Please, do dispose of your pills. I really believe you can do it! At least put them out of sight into a place which is hard for you to get to. This would slow you down long enough for you to reconsider what you are tempted to do. They are not the solution!
 
I pray that you come to believe that you are the loving, caring person you are.
 
I think of you every day when I light a candle for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

They are not the solution!

 
Dear Sharon,
I truly believe that taking the pills is not the answer, so be strong and dispose of them. Taking them is certainly not being strong.
You've shown us that you are a strong woman. You can turn your life around.
Drink more water than anything else and that will help your kidneys.
 
Blessings to you and your mum. I'm pleased to hear she is improving. That is largely down to you caring about her.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon . . .
Your love and care I am sure,
has been an important thing in your mother's improvement.
She is fortunate to have such a daughter as you.
I pray that she will continue to improve
and the pain from the infection will eventually disappear.
 
You mention again the tablets . . .
it may seem disturbing to some
but for awhile
I carried a package of razor blades in the bottom of my purse.
When I was finally able to get rid of them,
I felt so free . . .
to realize I had made a commitment to life and light.
It did not make the urges go away for awhile,
and I knew I could go and buy another packet any time I wanted,
but the symbolism of the gesture
buoyed me in the dark times that followed.
It was one small step . . .
but it made a difference.
I hope that you too,
are soon able to take that one small step
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Edda Jude and Sparrow,
I know that you are all right that taking the pills is not the answer but sometimes it feels like its the only thing I have left and that it would be for the best if I was to take them and I can't get past thinking that. I know that if I take them and it doesn't work then all I will have done is to make my kidneys worse. Its probably my fault anyway that I have kidney failure from all my previous overdoses even though I received treatment in hospital for most of them but the damage still happened. I'm that useless I can't even get that right.
 
Sparrow Thank you for sharing about the razor blades you are brave to write about it. I am glad you were able to get rid of them and to be free from the urges to use them to harm yourself. I sometimes self harm in that way I even did it in hospital once. I'd been out to a local shop and bought some and used one to try and cut my wrists later that evening. Someone caught me doing it and told the staff it didn't go down too well and I wasn't allowed out on my own for a while after and when I was allowed out alone again they had to search my bags and pockets to make sure I didn't have any on me.
 
Mums pain is finally easing off just hope I haven't spoke too soon. Had Rye at the vets yesturday mum rang me early yesturday morning to say he could hardly move so I went to see him and he had a right job trying to get up to welcome me got up in the end. Took him to the vets in the afternoon and they said he had had another stroke just a mini one this time. He recovered over the course of the day yesturday and I went to see him today. He is not doing bad tending to drag his back paw a bit sometimes he was tonight before I left but it doesn't seem to bother him and he's eating and drinking. He is on a 10 day course of tablets and to see how he goes if he gets worse then he has to go back to the vets. I think we are on borrowed time with him its his second stroke in six months I just dread losing him
love sharon 

Dearest Sharon,
 
I am so glad that your mother seems to be getting much better!
 
I am sorry that Rye had another stroke but is still enjoying life. I know how much he means to you.
 
As to your pills, I can't take them from you, but at the risk of sounding like a stuck record, I really urge you to dispose of them. You KNOW that they aren't the answer to anything. Do go back on this thread and read the many suggestions that have been offered to you to help you feel better about yourself. You have more strength than you realize! Your support of your mother shows this!
 
A candle stays lit for you!
 
Much love and prayers,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon,
I'm glad to hear your mum is feeling better, but sorry to hear about Rye.
It's so hard when our pets get old and sick. How about you having a pet of your own, living with you? It would be something to care for, and to share love with.
 
I don't think you really want to end your life. It's just got hard for you, and I do understand that.
 
I keep you in my thoughts and prayers,
 
Love,
Jude
 
 
 

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon . . .
I continue to pray
that you will be able to toss the pills away.
They are only giving you a false sense of security . . .
and what you need now in your life more than anything
is truth.
Even on my darkest day now,
in the present,
I am grateful that I did not take my life.
Try to remember, if you can,
that the true 'you' is here to live.
It is only the false you that lies to you
and tempts you to the tablets.
You are so much more than this.
For now,
you may just have a glimmer of knowing . . .
in that your mother needs you
and Rye needs you,
but in truth,
it is you who needs you the most
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Sharon,

I´d like to echo what Edda, Jude and Sparrow have said, and add something of my own experience. One of my close friends is a young woman, who some months ago thought she couldn´t bear life any longer. She wanted to end her pain and swallowed some pills... It was her younger son who unexpectedly came home and found her, only  because he had forgotten his jacket and come back for it!  She was taken to the hospital in a critical state and saved! Some might call it "coincidence" - I call it divine intervention. She now is in constant contact with me, repeating over and over again how happy she is to be still alive, feeling the joy of living again...

Dear Sharon, although I don´t know you personally, I have come to know a lot about you through your writing, and, what is more, I have really come to love you. Please do keep calm, although it may be hard sometimes. You are needed by many...

Blessings and much Love to you,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Hang in there dear  Sharon it's a battle worth fighting...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkCFeNeqyHk
       ♥

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Thank you all for your messages I will come back and reply to them properly as soon as I can don't want you to think I'm ignoring them. I've more or less been at my mums the last week and a half as Rye is once again poorly he is better than he was but not doing too well he's had a couple more mini strokes. If you would be so kind to say a little prayer for him I would be very grateful. I am hoping that nothing will happen with him over Christmas
love sharon

Dearest Sharon,
 
You can be assured of my prayers for Rye , you and your mother!
 
I hope he will be alright over Christmas
 
A candle is burning for you at all times!
 
Much love,
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Hello dear Sharon,
I will light a candle for Rye and you and your Mum, that all will be well over Christmas.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Special prayers for Rye,
dear Sharon,
that he might be well . . .
also for you and for your mum
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Sharon has asked me to put this message on here about Rye..
 
Just a short note to let you know that Rye was put to sleep this afternoon. Stayed up most of last night with him was hoping he would go to sleep and pass away but it just didn't happen. Then this morning he was worse and rang the vets and a vet and nurse came this afternoon and put him to sleep. He manged to give me a few licks this morning but it was clear that he was starting to suffer and the best thing for him was to be at peace.
love sharon
 
 

Love is the only way

Thank you, Jude, for passing this message along. Please, tell Sharon that I am so very sorry. I know how much Rye meant to her!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you Jude ,
I too am sorry to hear of the passing of little Rye.My thoughts are with Sharon at this sad time.. ♥ 

 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Thank you for passing on the message from Sharon. dear Jude. Please let her know that I am with her in spirit, praying that she will find strength in the knowledge that she has done the best she could do for Rye.

Love and Blessings to her,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Thank you all for your lovely messages about my little Rye and thank you Jude for passing the information on and thank you Sandra for posting the Rainbow Bridge that is just so lovely. I miss my boy so so much and am so lost without him. I would give anything to have him back with me to see his tail wag and to give me more licks and to be the happy boy he was before he was so poorly. Making that final decision to have him put to sleep was the hardest thing I've ever had to do I didn't want to lose him but I couldn't bear to see him suffer it was so heartbreaking seeing him as he was and he wasn't going to get better and he would never have been able to go for a walk again which he really enjoyed. I know it was for the best but it hurts so so much.
The vet and nurse who came were really nice they had to give him a sedative first so he was sleepy as he doesn't like the vet then they gave him the final injection so he did go peacefully. I was there with him till the end talking to him and stroking him I hope he knew I was there. The vet then took him wrapped in his favourite blanket to the vets. He is been cremated and is going to the crematorium tomorrow and his ashes will be ready to collect from the vets next thursday as I am keeping them. I have chosen a nice little casket for his ashes and am having a few words put on it in memory of him.
I have kept his collar and some of his favourite toys and also the fur that the vet shaved off his paw to give him the injection. I have put the fur in a little box with his name tag and put it in my bedside cabinet drawer so he's near me
love sharon

Thank you, Sharon, for sharing with us your heartbreak, and everything you had to do to provide so lovingly for Rye in his last hours. I am so sorry you had to lose him but his time had come. You made the right decision!
You are collecting things to keep the memory of Rye with you. I know you will miss him sorely!
 
Wishing you comfort and peace,
 
Much love and warm hugs,
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon,

My heart goes out to you, as you have lost your dear friend Rye. But as Edda has said, you made the right decision. I hope and trust what you kept of him will give you comfort, most of all the valuable memories of the time with him that was given to you.

With much Love,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

                         IN LOVING MEMORY OF RYE
 
Rye
Dog Collie/Labrador
D.O.B Not Known - 2009
 
This is the memorial for Rye which  I put on the Blue Cross website where I adopted Rye from. I thought you would like to see it.

 
Rye was adopted from the Blue Cross, having been a stray. I fell in love with him as soon as I saw him and loved him to the end. Rye loved going for walks and smelling all the scents and until recently, loved playing with his toys. He loved been fussed and would come on the settee to sit with you. He would give you his paw when asked and always gave lots of kisses, even on his final day with us. He could be a little naughty sometimes and pinched food off a plate when we weren't looking.
Sadly due to ill health the decision was made to have him put to sleep on the 26th December 2009. Miss you boy, and always will. My best friend forever
RIP
 

I have some photo's of Rye which I will post when I am feeling a bit stronger as I'm not to it at the moment
love sharon

Thank you, dear Sharon, for sharing with us the memorial you posted! 
 
Rye was a great gift to you entrusted to your care. He is no longer with you, but the love and joy he gave to you remain with you!
 
Love,
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon,
Thank you so much for sharing with us Rye's last hours, and your love for each other.
I know only too well how difficult that time is, and I'm glad it was done so gently and peacefully for Rye.
 
I smiled when you mentioned keeping the fur that the Vet shaved off, because when my cat Willow was put to sleep a friend gathered up the little bit of fur and asked me if I would like to keep it. I keep it in a little box together with a white feather. These little things do help.
 
I look forward to pictures of Rye who looks such a gentle dog....even if he couldn't resist pinching your food! I've got a dog just like that, and a previous dog took sandwiches from the table that I'd just made for a guest! Embarrassing, but fond memories.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon . . .
I am sorry I have not responded sooner,
but when I was lighting candles last week,
I saw candles lit for Rye,
and knew that something had happened.
Your decision was heartbreaking,
but it was wise as well.
We love our animal companions so much
and it is so hard to let them go,
but may it always be
that our love guides us to wisdom.
Please know
that you are so very much in my heart,
and that Rye will always be with you,
although in another form.
What a precious, beautiful little dog
who has honoured you with his love,
and who you have honoured
with yours . . .
Praying for you, my dear,
for comfort in your grief
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

 

Dear Edda Juliana Jude and Sparrow,
Thank you for your messages hope you like these photo's of Rye. He was a very special dog and I miss him so much don't know if I'll ever stop missing him he meant the world to me and I'm so lost without him the tears keep coming. Does the pain of loss ever go as it hurts as much as it did on Boxing Day when he was put to sleep. I wish so much that he was still here and that he had got better and had more time with me. I feel like I let him down by having him put to sleep even though I know it was for the best as he was really poorly and the last thing I wanted was for him to suffer. I just miss him so so much
love sharon

Dearest Sharon

I know it was for the best as he was really poorly and the last thing I wanted was for him to suffer

when you love someone the kindest thing in the world you can do is let them go.
 
I pray you find inner peace knowing you did the very best.Little Rye chose you as much as you chose him.All animals can sense love and your love will be with him always.
 
Take care Sharon of yourself xxxx
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

I feel like I let him down by having him put to sleep even though I know it was for the best

 
Dear Sharon,
I understand this so much! It's perfectly normal to feel like this even though you know you did the kindest thing. Yes, the pain does get less with time, although I can still cry over some of my pets who have passed on. It's no different to losing a human friend or relation. We always miss them. But as Sandra says, Love never dies. The bond you had with Rye will always be there.
He was indeed a special dog...a lovely smiley dog. His Love shines through in the photos. Thank you for sharing them with us.
 
Blessings to you Sharon. I do hope you will begin to feel better soon.
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon,
 
Thank you for sharing these great pictures of Rye with us!
I can understand that you miss him terribly. I do agree with Jude that you did the kind thing, hard as it was. You did everything you could for Rye and you can be at peace with it.
 
Praying for peace and comfort for you,
 
With much love,
Edda
 

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon . . .
When I look back over the posts here,
I see that it was a year ago
that you were fearful of losing your dear little Rye.
Small comfort perhaps,
but just think~
you had the gift of that extra year . . .
he was indeed a happy, smiley dog.
Thank you for sharing these pictures.
I know that you have many more
tucked in your heart
forever
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Sandra Jude Edda Sparrow,
Thank you for your messages I am still missing Rye so much can't believe it will be three weeks on saturday it feels so much longer than that when I last saw him. The more days that go by the harder it feels don't know that I will ever stop missing him. I was hoping to get his ashes back last thursday but the crematorium don't release them until the cheque clears. The ashes should be back at the vets sometime tomorrow afternoon ready to be picked up. I don't know whether thats going to make it better or worse its just so final.
I just miss him so much life feels so much more empty without him. I've cried so much for him and still do more than I've cried for some relatives that have died those relatives never cared about me and the difference with Rye he was my best friend and loved me no matter what and I did him. I just wish he was back here with me.
It was back in may last year when Rye had his first stroke Sparrow and I thought I would lose him them as he wouldn't eat and had a right job with him but he recovered from that one. I did have another seven months with him which I will always be grateful for I just hoped that he would have had longer with me and to have got through christmas but it wasn't to be.
I was at the doctors for a blood pressure check today my blood pressure was ok it was below the maximum they want it to be but my pulse was racing and it was last time just before christmas. The nurse was going to speak to the doctor and said she will be touch if I need to be seen about it
love sharon
 

Dearest Sharon,
 
My heart goes out to you! I know how precious Rye was to you and I can understand how much you miss him. Companions like him give unconditional love, sometimes more so than humans do. Allow yourself to grieve for him and remember all the good times you had together, something to be grateful for. These last months were a special gift to you. Take comfort in that you did all you could for him, that you gave him all your love!
 
I keep you in my prayers, and a candle burning for you!
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon,

Thank you so much for posting the pictures of Rye. I can understand you so well, he really was a special friend, and of course you miss him so much. I can only echo what Jude, Edda and Sparrow have said. Do honor your fond memories of him by being grateful for the time you were given with him. And be gentle with yourself...

With Love,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Sharon,
Grief is grief, whether it's for an animal or a person. I can well understand how you are hurting.
Having a special ceremony for him when you get the ashes back might help, like having a funeral. They are part of the grieving process and therefore important.
When I lose a pet I often get out all the photographs of them and make a sort of mural with them to honour their lives with me.
Look after yourself. I'm glad your doctor is caring for you. It could be that the rapid heartbeat is just stress, but it's good they are keeping an eye on it.
 
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way