my mum

Dear Sharon: What wonderful news! I hope your mother's cancer never returns and that the two of you will spend many happy years together.
 
Praised be God.
 
With love,
Emil

Hi all
thank you for your messages and best wishes for mum. I really don't know whats wrong with me today. Yesturday was a good day one I haven't had for such a long time, but this morning I woke up with such a cloud of gloom hanging over me. I can't explain why I feel like this after yesturday. You would think I would be on cloud nine but I'm not. I am so pleased for mum but I think the doubts have started to come into my head and I am thinking of what may happen in the future. I know I shouldn't think like that but as I am generally a negative person although we got positive news I'm thinking it won't last and we will be back to square one. I realy don't want to feel like that I want to enjoy the time I have with mum but I am just struggling at the moment. I think my emtions have been all over the place for the last few years and especially the last year. I know I should try and put the cancer to the back of my mind and I managed to do that last time but I think this time will be harder simply because its a second diagnosis. I'm just such a negative person all the time and it doesn't help that I also have my own health to worry about and also depression. I'm sorry I seem to always come on here complaining I really don't mean to. I will try and have something positive to say next time. My love goes out to you all and I will continue to remember you in my prayers best wishes to you all sharon
 

Dear Sharon, I am sorry that this is not a good day for you. I think you are emotionally worn out and need to allow yourself to get some extra rest. We all have our ups and downs, some days the world is alright, the next it seems dreary. Sometimes the weather has something to do with it. I have learned to just tell my self that this feeling is going to go by just like a migraine eventually leaves.
I pray that your spirits will be lifted and tomorrow will be a better day!
Love,  Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon: I'm with Edda all the way here. You have gone through a lot. I know that I can face emergencies and unpleasant situations rather well, but after the fact I suffer. Give yourself some time and lean on us. Remember we are lighting candle for you under group SH. And as for being negative, that's a trait that you can turn around little by little, with the help of God. However, this might not be the best time. You have too much going on.
 
I hope you and your loved ones have a magnificent and blessed weekend.
 
With love, joy at your mother's new chance, and gratefulness to God,
Emil

Dear Edda and Emil
thank you both for your messages. I am trying to stay strong and fight the negative thoughts in my head but it is so hard. Mum said to me last night my scans clear but what about in six months it may or may not be and I just didn't know what to say to her. I can't begin to imagine how she feels having the threat of cancer hanging over her, especially when she's already been through so much. I've nearly lost her three times in the last four years. I think what I hate about the thought of losing her as I know it will happen at some point, is that when she is gone I won't have any family, I have no relationship with my dad I have many issues with the way he has treated mum since her illness started and how he has been with me. He has been so support to mum or myself. I also don't have any relationship with my brother and at this point in time don't want to. So when my mums not here that it. I have loads of relatives local on my dads side that I don't know I haven't been brought to know them and I wouldn't suddenly want to know them when my mums gone. My mum own sister hasn't wanted to know her since she's been ill. I could go on for ever but I won't. I know I should be grateful mums still hear but I don't know how long for, she got into remission last time and it was only temporary. All I know at the moment is that when my mum has gone I don't want to stay around I want to go with her. I'm so sorry to sound so depressing at the moment but this is just how I am feeling maybe tomorrow I will see things different but today i just don't know whether I'm coming or going. I am thinking of all you lovely people and keeping you all in my prayers. I just wish I had something positive to say to someone but I can't find anything to say. love to you all sharon

Dearest Sharon, my heart goes out to you and I feel so sorry that your many worries keep you down. The only constructive thing I can think of is this. The only day we have is today. None of us knows what will happen tomorrow, the day after, or 6 months from now. The only thing we can do is live each day gratefully to its fullest and not let the worries about the future spoil it. Try to think how you can make each day special for your mother and yourself. Do something enjoyable that captivates your attention and lifts your spirits. The things we most worry about usually don't happen the way we think and we waste so much energy. I know I do!  I know, all this is very easy to say, but it does not make it less true. Please, give it a try!
Wishing you and your mother everything good,
Much love, Edda

Peace and joy!

Candle Group: SH
Sharon:
I hear you're overwhelmed. All of the 'what ifs' and 'maybes' are clouding your mind, usurping your precious energy. At any minute, the precarious peace you've managed to create may fall apart. You could, very well, wake up on your own tomorrow.

I know where you're at, precious. Someone or something taught you that your life is a burden, not a blessing. Somebody used you emotionally, almost to the point that you think there's nothing left worth keeping. Something happened that made you feel so useless that you've actually convinced yourself that you're a negative person.

First off, negative people don't ask others for help. They just try to drain hope from anyone that thinks things will be better. You are not a negative person! (Stand in a mirror and say that to yourself, out loud, 3 times, once a day - every day, for 3 weeks! You'll be surprised at what will change!)
You may, however, be a person with a mountain of challenges in front of her. Do you believe that there are no challenges in your life that you can't step up to? Something tells me that the stubborn in you doesn't like the idea of being told "you can't do" whatever it is you set your mind to accomplish.

Edda's sage advice is spot on, though. Some days will be riding high, and others will be much less fun. A great quote I learned on this site is: "It's not always a mountain top experience, this life."
And, from one worry-wart to another, I've learned one thing about worrying: 1) Spend as much time finding a solution to a problem as you spend worrying about it!
I do allow myself to worry, but I do not allow the worry to consume me. Honestly, the greatest thing I can do when I find myself worried and stressed out about something that I have absolutely no control over is to watch cartoons. Yeah, it's kinda cheesey, but I find it very difficult to worry about much when Timmy Turner has to wish his way out of some unbelievable situation (Nickelodeon's "Fairly Odd Parents"). Find something like that. It would be even better if you found an activity you and your mom can do together. List of ideas: picture puzzles, crocheting/knitting, gardening, coin/stamp collecting, coloring books, cards (Gin, Rummy, and Spades are my faves!), go on a picnic, short books/novels (read the same book and discuss what each of you saw/learned). It's life, baby; activities available, just assign meaning.

"Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday." - Baz Luhrman "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen"

YOU are a beautiful individual. YOU have the right, and are entitled to, love yourself. YOU are important to someone, even if you don't know it! YOU deserve to be the best person you can be! (This next one is all caps and bold print to make a point.) YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

You are special and cherished here, luv. Take comfort in that; you've earned it.

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Hi edda and arows1faith
thank you both so much for your replies to me its really appreciated. I really don't know how I am feeling at the moment, everyone expects me to be really happy but I'm not. its not helped by people like my dads sister who rang the other day when I was at mums, she asked about mums scan and mum siad it was clear so she said o well your ok now then and mum said I don't know. Do people not realise what remission means. Mum has to go for at least the next five years without any recurrance before the doctors would say your cured from cancer. It just really winds me up when people are like that. The situation with my dad is at rock bottom I'm not speaking to him at all. I don't like it this way but I've tried to sort things out with him in the past but he will never discuss anything or admit that he's ever in the wrong about something. No wonder my heads messed up at the moment. I so want to enjoy mums company but dad makes it so unpleasant that I don't want to be there. I feel so much anger and resentment towards him for what he's done over the years that I just can't get pass that and don't know how to. But at the same time I don't want to spend a life time hating him. I do love him because he's my dad but at the same time I hate him and if my mum and dad weren't together I wouldn't see him at all. I also have nothing to do with my brother as he's as bad as dad (like father like son ) but I do miss not talking to brothers wife as I did get on with her and I have no issues with her, but if I don't speak to brother I don't speak to her. They don't live near me they are about 200 miles away which is probably a good thing. I find I am using alcohol to cope with the depression I feel and the worries about mum, the drink is the only thing that stops me from thinking when I've had a few drinks. My doctor has said I really do need to cut down on the drinking as otherwise it will need to further problems, plus I also have kidney problems so the alcohol with end up causing more problems with my kidneys. But at the moment I don't have the strenght or the motivation to stop drinking, luckly my mum doesn't know as if she did she would be really upset so I keep it from her and also from my few friends. I really don'tknow what to do at the moment, life just doesn't feel worth living and sometimes I just want to give up. I've tried to take my life on many times and haven't succeeded I've just made myself ill and ended up in hospital, which I don't want to put my mum through it would destroy but at the same time I feel like I've had enough of living as life is too much of a struggle. I keep hoping for a better tomorrow but it never seems to come. I continue to pray for all you lovely people on here and hope you are ok love sharon

Dearest Sharon,
My God My God I pray for you, How my heart aches for you. You have so much on your shoulders, I am with you in spirit dear Sharon. I can understand so much of what you are experiencing right now. I too had a Father that no words here can express the fear and hatred I had for him. It was a long hard journey for me with him. But by the grace of God and encouragement from my Mom was I able to put it all away and find peace within myself. I had so little respect for him for his deeds in life both to his family and to others. I feel God wanted me and my family to take that journey. I had given great effort over many years to understand him only to find out from him shortly before he passed that "If he had it to do again he would do it all the same!" What a slap in the face!  I think that was my wake up call from God. My Mother, rest her soul, told me at that time...."Isn't that sad, hes to be pitied". And tho they had been divorced since I was eight, My mom reminded me to pray for him. I look back now and see and think how strong a women she was and yet with all her trials in life she always manage to have love for those who were always the worst in life. I came to terms with my Father, I could not change him to be a better Father, It was not going to happen. I could not make him have sorrow for his deeds. I finally took the position as my Mother I felt sorry for him that he did not enjoy the lives he brought into this world, he missed out on a loving wife. I finally just let go, he just simply became another person in this world that was to be pitied and needed more prayers then myself. I was able to ignore his ignorance, and refocused my Love toward others. I still remember that day, It brought me great peace and a sense that God said to me "Now you know. Lessoned Learned!" When he, my Dad, passed the child in me was a little sad. But the adult in me said "Let go, Let God handle this". It was as if I had closed the book on a chapter in my life and I was able to do it with great peace and grace. I had an overwhelming Love for my Mom and for those who were in this mans life. I regrouped and cut all the dead weight off, ie Father, Brother, Sister and those who took so much energy from my time with my Mom. She is gone now and for that my heart aches more then you will ever know. But did I do the right thing. YOU BET!!! I stayed with my Mom till the last bit of dirt was packed and flowers on her grave. And with Great sadness and many tears as I stood and watched her be laid to rest. I felt the overwhelming compassion of God and my Mom tell me, its ok you did right. "Your hard long road has ended." All during this time of taking care of her tho it was so very hard and at many time so very frustrating, I just knew in my heart I needed to cherish all that we were going through. I was on a journey with my Mom since birth. How blessed I was to have this marvelous teacher, Mother, friend in my life.
 
  I do not know if my humble words will help you Sharon but maybe your time is now. Channel those feelings toward what is important, your Mother needs you, God needs you to help her. You have been chosen. You are unique and have much to offer.  You and your Mom still have a long hard journey ignore (tho I know it will be hard) all other distractions. Your health is important, you have a job to do. Please try hard to put away the drink, try a nice cold Coke or root-beer!  I know easier said then done. But try hard. It is within you you CAN do it!
As you said you are at "rock bottom", Good!!!! Now you have only to climb and go up! You have it in you Dear Sharon, Please hang in there you have so much to do. You will only have this opportunity ONCE!! As my Mom would tell me I'm telling you. "Don't blow it!" Grant your hearts desire, enjoy your time with your Mom. Bring her joy and laughter. Get the family pictures out ask her who is who and you might both get a good laugh out of it!  Ask her the secrets to a recipe. Ask her the many questions that later you might want to know. "Her dating days????" Both of you will share these wonderful experiences together. Be her daughter and her Friend. As silly as it was, many nights it was like a slumber party together.  Who would think of your Mom telling you secrets then tossing a pillow at you!!!
My soul purpose while taking care of my Mom was to make her laugh,  help her in her times of need, by giving a hundred percent of myself to her It returned to me many times over. Especially now such sweet and precious memories.These I will keep in my heart till my very end. I would not have them If I had let my life be clouded by all the distractions and wasted energy. Make those memories Sharon!!!!!
 
My Mom and I had two little joys among many others that stood out. We always sent flowers to each other. And there was always one yellow rose in every bouquet. A sign of great friendship. And two always big big hugs.  I still give her yellow roses, but the hug.........its not there. So I will continue to pray for you Dearest Sharon, and I will continue to light a candle for you. But I ask you to do just one thing for me....
Please hug your mom for me and make it a good one.
 
Keep heart and get strong.  Cut the junk out of your life. Take care of your self. And know I and many others here are in your corner Sharon, don't let us down, don't let yourself down! You can do it let go and let God deal with what you can not. It's time to step up to the plate. Take control of your destiny. 
Across the many miles I send you much Love and a hug Sharon. Please keep us posted. Like Arow, I hope to see you grow. And My money is on you!!!
God Bless and be with you Sharon,
Blue
PS. I'm sorry for rattling on and taking so much of your time. I only pray that in that you will find something that might help.

Sharon:
I see that you are terribly overwhelmed and I feel for you. Now, I don't know if your last post was just a 'venting' or not, but you've laid some pretty difficult situations out that you seem to have no idea how to begin to solve. Your coming to these forums shows you that you have the support of other people. I do not mean for this to be agressive sounding, but you've been given tools and resources - it's time to take some action.

I find I am using alcohol to cope with the depression I feel and the worries about mum,

Using alcohol as a 'coping' tool doesn't work, period. If you're 'coping' with something, you're actively handling it and moving that situation to a point of resolution. Alcohol will not help you find any answers to any of your problems, so don't look for resolution there. Don't allow yourself to 'need' alcohol to handle the struggles you are faced with now, otherwise you might just be trading off one struggle for the next.

luckly my mum doesn't know as if she did she would be really upset so I keep it from her and also from my few friends

I don't think that 'luckily' is a good description of this situation. One of my struggles led me to deceive people that make my life worth living. I can tell you, flat out - no sugar coating, if you're hiding your alcohol use (for any reason at all!), it already is a problem. Recognize that and work toward changing it - you won't be able to work on those things around you if you aren't willing to work on yourself.

You can't control your dad or your brother or your mom's cancer. You can control yourself. I'm deeply touched by your challenges as they seem to tap into the most fundamental parts of you; and you need to equip yourself with the tools necessary to meet these challenges. But, you won't be able to find and use the right tools if you're busy using the wrong ones. Make change happen in your life, be active in that! If you find yourself slipping into draining, useless routines, actively do something different. Hum a song, take a walk, read a book, find something funny about it all (reminds me of a comment Blue posted), make a new friend, help a child at a playground, plant a flower, feed the birds in a park, crochet something, do a crossword puzzle, crayons & a coloring book!, volunteer at a shelter. Actively go outside or deep within yourself and refuse the old tool while intently finding a new one.

I'm praying for you, luv.

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Dear Sharon, Blue and Arow,
 
If anyone was wondering about the value of this website they would only need to read this amazing page. I'm quite overwhelmed by it all.
 
Bless you Sharon, I will be lighting a candle for you tonight.  J

Love is the only way

Dearest Sharon, I am sorry I have not replied to your most recent post sooner. I am touched by your honesty. Admitting a problem is a first step.  I would like to second what Arow has said. It may sound like tough talk, but it would not help you to overlook a serious problem - medicating yourself with alcohol. Please, listen to your doctor. If you cannot stop on your own, ask him or her to refer you to a source of help. How to be able to enjoy your mother's company? Can you take her out for a walk or a meal or a movie, see an exhibition together? Don't allow your father spoil it for you. He is to be pitied for missing out on enjoyable relationships with his family; he doesn't sound like a happpy man!
I pray that you can shift into a forward looking frame of mind, stressing what you CAN do. I think it would also help your mother to be more hopeful. And you have all the prayers and support from all the people in the forum who care deeply about you!
With much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

am praying for mum

Dear Arows1faith
I have to say that I felt quite angry when I first read your message. Since then I have read it through a number of times, and have come to realise that I am not angry with you or have any reason to be angry at you. You have only said what I needed to hear and I guess the truth can hurt sometimes. If I am honest I am angry with myself for not been strong enough to deal with things without turning to alcohol. I have many issues to work through in my life regarding depression going back long before mum was first ill, but in the last year it has been easier to run from my problems and drink to deal with things. In my head I tell myself that alcohol is the safer option rather than what I have done in the past. I'm ashamed to say that I have taken overdoses on numerous occassions (too many times than I can remember) because I have felt so low and that my life wasn't worth living, and that people would be better off without me around. I sometimes wonder why I am still here after what I have done I don't deserve to be here. There has to be a reason why I have survived this long without killing myself. I haven't overdosed for sometime and I think I'm scared that if I take the alcohol away then I will resort to pills and I don't want to put my mum through that. It won't matter once she's gone as I'll have no reason to hang around but for now I know I need to be strong and be there for her. I know I can't control my dad or borther they are who they are. I just wish that I could get to a place where they don't bother me but I can't. I know they will never be there for me, so I don't know why I keep expecting it when it has never happened and I know deep down that it never will. I can't make them change and be supportive towards mum. I know I am doing the right thing by mum and will continue been there for her until the end. I will have no regrets about what I have done. I have been there for her from day one when we sat in the consultants room and first heard the words you have cancer and I will be there until she leaves this live. Anyway thats it about me how have you been. I noticed from some of your postings you have had your fair share of struggles along the way. Its a hard life sometimes isn't it. I do wish you well and send you my best wishes sharon

Dear Blue
Thanks for your message also. I am sorry to hear about the problems you had with your father. I guess we always expect our parents to be there for us and it really hurts when they don't bother and don't seem to care. I'm really pleased you were able to find peace within yourself regarding your dad.It must have really hurt when he said "if I had it to do again he would do it all the same ". I really don't know how you were able to come to that place where you accepted who he was. I really wish I was strong enough to do that, but I don't seem able to do so at least not at the moment. I think I'm more angry with him about his attitude towards mum and her illness. He can't or won't grasp how serious it has been over the last 4.5 years and that although she is in remission that may not last. I know i can't change him and make him be supportive its never going to happen now or in the future. I just need to find a way to deal with this and accept that he can't or won't be supportive. I am sorry your mum is no longer with us, I can't begin to imagine how that feels. I'm pleased you were able to take care of her and I'm sure she really valued all that you did for her. Its so draining taking care of someone especially your mum, but I also feel its a honour and not a chore. She was the one who brought me into the world so its the least I can do for her. I know I need to do something about the drinking but it is so hard. As I said to Arow I'm scared that if I stop drinking then I will resort to taking overdoses which I really don't want to do to mum, she means so much to me. I have tried to kill myself so many times with painkillers that I wonder why I have survived so long, by rights I probably should be dead. I keep thinking I must be here for a reason or maybe I am rubbish at trying to take my life not sure which. I just think sometimes my life is worthless and nobody would miss me if I wasn't here. I know my mum would but as for the rest of the family I might as well be dead already. So I drink to forget and it helps in the short term but it doesn't last long, then you have to drink more and so it goes on its a vivious circle. I need to find some strength inside to try and sort things out and stop using alcohol, but I am just so tired and don't have any energy. How are things been with you lately, you've had some ups and downs lately. I hope you are feeling a bit brighter in yourself you take care I'm thinking of you sharon

Dear Edda
thank you for your message. I really do value what you say and everyone else. I did say to arow that I was angry about what was said, but I no longer feel any anger towards arow or anyone else as your all saying what I needed to heae and sometimes the truth hurts. I know I need help with stopping drinking as its gone too far for me to deal with it myself. I tell myself that alcohol is the safer option than what I have done in the past. I'm ashamed to say that I have taken overdoses on numerous occassions because I have felt so low and that my life wasn't worth living and that people would be better off without me around. I sometimes wonder why I am still here after what I've done, I certainly don't deserve to be here. Maybe thats why mum got ill as a punishment for what I've done in the past. There has to be a reason why I have survived this long without killing myself or maybe I am so rubbish that I can't even kill myself properly. I haven't overdosed for sometime nad I'm scared that if I take the alcohol away I'll resort to taking pills when things are rough. I just don't see anyway forward at the moment. I just feel so low and so depressed that its hard to see any postives in life.You probably think I'm mad and need locking up away from normal people (whatever normal is ) I wouldn't want to be in hospital I've been in and it doesn't help if anything it makes you feel worse. I don't know what the answer is I should be strong but I'm not. I feel my hope is ebbing away and I can't take much more I want to scream. I wasn't always this negative depressed person I used to enjoy my life but not any more I don't know what I did to deserve it. I just wonder what the point to life is anymore sharon

Dearest Sharon, Welcome back! It is good that you have come back to express how you feel. I have been thinking about you every day as I lit a candle for you, wondering how you were doing. I am not surprised that you felt angry with some of the things said here. YOU ARE NOT RUBBISH NOR ARE YOU MAD IN NEED OF BEING LOCKED UP! You are a woman depressed by the difficult circumstances of your life. Alcohol is a problem for you, but there IS help for that. You may not like the available help but it is better than suffering the way you do. Please, do go back to your doctor and be as honest with the doctor as you are here. It seems to me you really need to WANT to get better. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your mother. As you say, you DO want to do everything possible for her. There is always hope, no matter how much hidden away. You asked how Leon was. We live one day at a time, asking for the grace to just manage that! The help you can get here is limited to words, but you do need professional help. Please, avail yourself of that. We CAN support you with our love, prayers and concern. We are here for you, hoping for you, when you can't find hope! Don't give up! Believe, you are loved by many even though it is not your own family!
With much love and many hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon,
I echo everything Edda says here. You are a valuable member of the world and have some lovely gifts to share.
 
Yes, you are still here, and I agree, there has to be a reason. Your life is still waiting to be lived so please don't give up. Your Mother would be (must be) so proud of your devotion while struggling so much with depression etc. That is Love in action.
 
I think Arow, (bless him) was trying to give you a bit of 'tough love'. I expect you know his own story. I'm not trying to preach, but I agree that drink isn't really helping you, but appreciate how difficult it will be for you to stop it.
PLEASE get some help - all the help you can get. It's out there. Probably you will find it difficult to get out there and ask for it, but think how proud of yourself you will feel at your courage.
 
We are all here to support you. Come back and pour it all out when you need to. But professional support is what you need most.
 
Sending you lots of love. J
 

Love is the only way

Dearest Sharon, I will light a candle for you, my daughter has a drinking problem and went to AA she has not had a drink in 7 years now.  Maybe they can help you also.  Jesus loves you and so do I and all of us in this forum.  Dove

I sometimes wonder why I am still here after what I have done I don't deserve to be here. There has to be a reason why I have survived this long without killing myself. I haven't overdosed for sometime and I think I'm scared that if I take the alcohol away then I will resort to pills and I don't want to put my mum through that. It won't matter once she's gone as I'll have no reason to hang around but for now I know I need to be strong and be there for her.

 
Dear Sharon: Everybody here knows of my deep devotion to Jesus Christ. I could address your statements above by directing you to him since I credit him with turning my life completely around from one of angst to one of peace; but, I don't know if your beliefs are the same as mine, so I'll only say this much as far as the spiritual goes.
 
On a plain human level, you have a great gift and that is your life. It might seem impossible at the moment, but you can make a great and positive difference in the world if you set out to do so. And you say that after your mother goes, you could go, too, because nobody would miss you. I have missed hearing from you, and I would hurt very deeply if I ever heard you had committed suicide -- or died, for that matter.
 
And if someone who doesn't know you feels that way, dear Sharon, I'm sure many people who know you -- even in passing -- would mourn you if you were to go. And many, including me, would wonder what they could have done or said differently to have kept you from self-destruction.
 
Please stay in touch. I think more people love you than you can imagine.
 
A hug,
Emil