Dear Jude Edda and Sparrow,
I didn't hear from the doctor today hopefully I will hear tomorrow otherwise it will be monday before I get my blood results. Mum has made an appointment to see her doctor on monday as she woke up last night in pain again and needed to take some painkillers then couldn't get back to sleep for ages. I just hope that the doctor can give her an answer as to what is causing the pain whether its due to the bronchitis or something else. She is getting fed up of feeling unwell I will see her tomorrow. I spoke to her this evening and she said she was really tired and poor Rye was in a state it been bonfire night and fireworks going off he is terrified of the fireworks or any loud bangs.
Today hasn't been a good day with the thoughts in my head of doing something to myself. It gets harder and harder not to give into the thoughts. I just wonder if I'm just putting off the inevitable by trying not to do anything when really I should just give in to them I don't know what to think
love sharon
 

Dearest Sharon,
 
There are better days and worse ones as you have already experienced. Doing something to yourself is not in the category of inevitable things. Please, don't do this to your mother. I suggested before to dispose of any means to that end.
Sharon , you are loved, you are a great support to your mother, you are a very caring, loving woman as can be seen from your posts for others. Whatever physical problems you may have can contribute to the way you feel. Talk to your doctor the way you talk to us and allow yourself to be helped!
 
I hope your mother will get the help she needs to feel better!
 
My love and prayers are with you and your mother,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Sharon . . .
I heartily echo Edda's comments on this . . .
doing what you are thinking of doing is most certainly not inevitable.
I tell you Sharon,
that I was in that space some years ago,
and now,
looking back,
I can see what has been gained
through continuing to live . . .
I tell you this
from someone who has been there . . .
it is so hard to see the long view
but it is there
whether or not you can see it.
Don't just hang in there . . .
dispose of the thought of destroying yourself as an option,
because believe me,
it is no option
as cleverly disguised as it might be . . .
go to bed tonight,
get up tomorrow morning,
do what you have to do,
love your mother,
take Rye for a walk,
go to bed tomorrow night
and get up the next day.
You will see,
over time,
how one day leads to the next
and life continues
with both its joys and its sorrows,
and I promise you
if you do this,
some day you will raise your eyes
and you will say,
"yes, it has all been worth it
with much love" . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Hello dear Sharon,
 
I agree with everything Edda and Sparrow have said to you. Ending it all is NOT the answer, definitely. I know that, if you do as Sparrow says and keep going, one day you will look back and be glad you didn't make that decision for yourself. As Edda says, your low iron and other health problems will contribute to how you feel. Look after your health and it will look after you.
Taking Rye out for a walk is a good idea...you might even meet new friends that way. In my experience dog lovers like to talk to each other.
 
I'm very glad your mother is seeing her doctor again, if only to put her mind at rest, which I hope will be the case.
 
Lighting candles for you both and keeping you in my heart and thoughts,
 
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon,

Let me echo what Edda, Sparrow and Jude have said so well - it´s what I feel and think, too. Please do listen to the positive thoughts you also have, not to those negative ones! It needs a lot of courage, but from all I know about you from your posts, you do have the strength to muster it up!

Caring for you, with much Love,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Edda Sparrow Jude and Juliana
Thank you for your messages and I'm sorry I haven't been on here for a while. Edda I know you are right about getting rid of any tablets I have which I could use to harm myself it has been said before by doctors but I can't seem to do it. I don't know why I can't just throw them away and take away the means but its like I have to know they are there in case they are needed and if I did throw them away I would only buy more. Why can't I just be strong and do it but I am too weak. Sparrow I am sorry you were in that dark place once its not a nice place to be at all and I am glad you came out the other end and that you are happy you didn't give up. I wish I could look to the future but I can't see any future for myself and keep asking myself why am I still here and whats the point to life but so far I've not come up with any answers
I was at the hospital this afternoon to see my kidney consultant my kidney function has got worse again and my blood pressure was quite high even though I'm on tablets for it. So he wants the gp to keep an eye on my blood pressure as he said high blood pressure can affect the kidneys. I asked him how bad is my kidney function going to get and he said he doesn't know what they do know is my left kidney is all scarred and my right one has some scarring too its just a case of monitoring it with regular blood tests. I just feel like I'm living in limbo land not knowing whats going to happen and its not at all easy.
Mum is slowing getting better she is still having the pain in her back sometimes and sometimes severe pain. She saw her doctor last week and the doctor thinks the pain will go eventually. The pain is where the gp she saw who sent her to hospital heard a funny noise and the gp thinks that is where the infection has been. She is getting really fed up of been stuck in but the cold weather seems to make the pain worse so she hasn't been able to get out much at all.
love sharon

Dearest Sharon,
 
Good to hear from you! I am glad your mother is slowly improving. Yes, cold, wet weather doesn't help. It keeps my husband in as well. Most of us are literally "under the weather" at least from time to time. The weather is a universal topic of conversation.
 
I am glad you have seen your doctors. It is difficult to predict precisely how kidney disease might progress in an individual person. High bloodpressure certainly can damage the kidneys and this is something that can be controlled!
 
Please, do dispose of your pills. I really believe you can do it! At least put them out of sight into a place which is hard for you to get to. This would slow you down long enough for you to reconsider what you are tempted to do. They are not the solution!
 
I pray that you come to believe that you are the loving, caring person you are.
 
I think of you every day when I light a candle for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

They are not the solution!

 
Dear Sharon,
I truly believe that taking the pills is not the answer, so be strong and dispose of them. Taking them is certainly not being strong.
You've shown us that you are a strong woman. You can turn your life around.
Drink more water than anything else and that will help your kidneys.
 
Blessings to you and your mum. I'm pleased to hear she is improving. That is largely down to you caring about her.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon . . .
Your love and care I am sure,
has been an important thing in your mother's improvement.
She is fortunate to have such a daughter as you.
I pray that she will continue to improve
and the pain from the infection will eventually disappear.
 
You mention again the tablets . . .
it may seem disturbing to some
but for awhile
I carried a package of razor blades in the bottom of my purse.
When I was finally able to get rid of them,
I felt so free . . .
to realize I had made a commitment to life and light.
It did not make the urges go away for awhile,
and I knew I could go and buy another packet any time I wanted,
but the symbolism of the gesture
buoyed me in the dark times that followed.
It was one small step . . .
but it made a difference.
I hope that you too,
are soon able to take that one small step
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Edda Jude and Sparrow,
I know that you are all right that taking the pills is not the answer but sometimes it feels like its the only thing I have left and that it would be for the best if I was to take them and I can't get past thinking that. I know that if I take them and it doesn't work then all I will have done is to make my kidneys worse. Its probably my fault anyway that I have kidney failure from all my previous overdoses even though I received treatment in hospital for most of them but the damage still happened. I'm that useless I can't even get that right.
 
Sparrow Thank you for sharing about the razor blades you are brave to write about it. I am glad you were able to get rid of them and to be free from the urges to use them to harm yourself. I sometimes self harm in that way I even did it in hospital once. I'd been out to a local shop and bought some and used one to try and cut my wrists later that evening. Someone caught me doing it and told the staff it didn't go down too well and I wasn't allowed out on my own for a while after and when I was allowed out alone again they had to search my bags and pockets to make sure I didn't have any on me.
 
Mums pain is finally easing off just hope I haven't spoke too soon. Had Rye at the vets yesturday mum rang me early yesturday morning to say he could hardly move so I went to see him and he had a right job trying to get up to welcome me got up in the end. Took him to the vets in the afternoon and they said he had had another stroke just a mini one this time. He recovered over the course of the day yesturday and I went to see him today. He is not doing bad tending to drag his back paw a bit sometimes he was tonight before I left but it doesn't seem to bother him and he's eating and drinking. He is on a 10 day course of tablets and to see how he goes if he gets worse then he has to go back to the vets. I think we are on borrowed time with him its his second stroke in six months I just dread losing him
love sharon 

Dearest Sharon,
 
I am so glad that your mother seems to be getting much better!
 
I am sorry that Rye had another stroke but is still enjoying life. I know how much he means to you.
 
As to your pills, I can't take them from you, but at the risk of sounding like a stuck record, I really urge you to dispose of them. You KNOW that they aren't the answer to anything. Do go back on this thread and read the many suggestions that have been offered to you to help you feel better about yourself. You have more strength than you realize! Your support of your mother shows this!
 
A candle stays lit for you!
 
Much love and prayers,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Sharon,
I'm glad to hear your mum is feeling better, but sorry to hear about Rye.
It's so hard when our pets get old and sick. How about you having a pet of your own, living with you? It would be something to care for, and to share love with.
 
I don't think you really want to end your life. It's just got hard for you, and I do understand that.
 
I keep you in my thoughts and prayers,
 
Love,
Jude
 
 
 

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon . . .
I continue to pray
that you will be able to toss the pills away.
They are only giving you a false sense of security . . .
and what you need now in your life more than anything
is truth.
Even on my darkest day now,
in the present,
I am grateful that I did not take my life.
Try to remember, if you can,
that the true 'you' is here to live.
It is only the false you that lies to you
and tempts you to the tablets.
You are so much more than this.
For now,
you may just have a glimmer of knowing . . .
in that your mother needs you
and Rye needs you,
but in truth,
it is you who needs you the most
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Sharon,

I´d like to echo what Edda, Jude and Sparrow have said, and add something of my own experience. One of my close friends is a young woman, who some months ago thought she couldn´t bear life any longer. She wanted to end her pain and swallowed some pills... It was her younger son who unexpectedly came home and found her, only  because he had forgotten his jacket and come back for it!  She was taken to the hospital in a critical state and saved! Some might call it "coincidence" - I call it divine intervention. She now is in constant contact with me, repeating over and over again how happy she is to be still alive, feeling the joy of living again...

Dear Sharon, although I don´t know you personally, I have come to know a lot about you through your writing, and, what is more, I have really come to love you. Please do keep calm, although it may be hard sometimes. You are needed by many...

Blessings and much Love to you,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Hang in there dear  Sharon it's a battle worth fighting...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkCFeNeqyHk
       ♥

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Thank you all for your messages I will come back and reply to them properly as soon as I can don't want you to think I'm ignoring them. I've more or less been at my mums the last week and a half as Rye is once again poorly he is better than he was but not doing too well he's had a couple more mini strokes. If you would be so kind to say a little prayer for him I would be very grateful. I am hoping that nothing will happen with him over Christmas
love sharon

Dearest Sharon,
 
You can be assured of my prayers for Rye , you and your mother!
 
I hope he will be alright over Christmas
 
A candle is burning for you at all times!
 
Much love,
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Hello dear Sharon,
I will light a candle for Rye and you and your Mum, that all will be well over Christmas.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Special prayers for Rye,
dear Sharon,
that he might be well . . .
also for you and for your mum
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Sharon has asked me to put this message on here about Rye..
 
Just a short note to let you know that Rye was put to sleep this afternoon. Stayed up most of last night with him was hoping he would go to sleep and pass away but it just didn't happen. Then this morning he was worse and rang the vets and a vet and nurse came this afternoon and put him to sleep. He manged to give me a few licks this morning but it was clear that he was starting to suffer and the best thing for him was to be at peace.
love sharon
 
 

Love is the only way