Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

She sat in the conference a week ago and watched with a look of satisfaction on her face as they crucified me and took every last piece of dignity and will from me.

 
Dear Joe,
No-one can do that to you without you allowing them to. Don't allow anyone to.
 
The anger is natural, but don't let it consume you.
 
Stay strong and focussed.
 
Blessings and Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

No-one can do that to you without you allowing them to. Don't allow anyone to.

If this were true, there would be no victims.  When you have someone who has practiced being a bully all their life, for whom the crushing of another person's spirit is bread and butter, ordinary mortals like me do not stand much of a chance.
The taking of another's dignity and ability to have rational thought is one of the ugly aspects of many of our society's institutions.  Bureaucracy is built on the unequal wielding of power.  Fortunately, though, many people within society's systems stand up for the less powerful.

Today I had examples of both my powerlessness and my right to be represented by someone in the system.  I saw a lawyer, and explained what had happened, and he told me that there is nothing I can do within the legal system to change what has been decided.  The welfare manager has the power to declare me a danger to my son and I have no redress within that system.  In a way it was a relief, because I can let go of any thought that there is something that I could do, but did not know about. (that sounds really confused, but I know what I mean).  It means I can now concentrate on find a way to accept what has happened, and work within the system.  If I can do that I will ultimately succeed.

The when I came home I received a letter from a representative of the State Government Department for Community Welfare - the department which oversees the child welfare system.  I had written a letter to her expressing my concerns with how I had been treated.  She said that she was looking into the case, and would be in touch with me once she had looked into it.  At least I have a sense now of being heard and taken seriously.

And so another day is coming to a close.  And I am still stuck in the moment when my son was taken from my care.  I will be here until he is a regular part of my life.

With Love
Joe

Dear Joe,
 
I hope you don't think I'm being flippant or unkind.
 
People can physically take away things from you, but they can't take away your feelings or your own self-respect.
 
You know the truth of all this...that is what is important, and what you have to hold on to.
 
It's good to hear you being strong-willed and purposeful.
 
I am sure you will be heard.
 
Blessings and Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Joe,
I continue to light candles for you.  I am sorry for the suffering that anyone in your position experiences.  The challenges you face in each moment are great.  To take the highest road.  To stay in charge of your actions, thoughts and feelings.  I can see that you are working on this.... and succeeding.....  Under tremendous challenge.  I see strength in how you are handling this.  Working your way through each feeling. Each circumstance.  Each action.  Blessings and light, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Blessing to you Joe,
 
May the guidance you need to heal within always be in constant motion for you!
 
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Julie rang me today, to arrange to come to my house (used to be our home), and said she would bring Darcy with her.  So I am to see my beautiful boy.  But of course it means I will have to be in total control of my feelings, or I will say something I regret.  It is typical of her that one day she refuses me access, and the next uses it as a way to keep me from telling her how I feel.  I just hope she can refrain from wanting to have any conversation with me.

I know how ugly it must sound, but in my counselling session yesterday I found that I have begun to hate her in the way I did my father.  I can not find any positive feelings for her in me.  And that is probably the saddest part of all of this.  Where there was love, there comes hatred.  I know that with time I will heal from this, but now the wounds are so deep, and the pain so sharp.  I have the love and support of some special people, as well as my Gratefulness family.  But I have NEVER hurt like this before in my whole life.  I was never taken so close to ceasing to live.  I was never stripped of the power to think and choose, other than to choose to let the Lord guide my hands to call for help.

I have finished another piece of music, which expresses how I feel at the moment.  I'll put the other two here as well, and I think it will become it's own suite.

Alone mp3
Losing Darcy mp3
Empty mp3

They are becoming more difficult emotionally, and I think there will be more pain expressed before this journey of mine starts to move up to the light. 

I am stripped down to the very basics of what it is to be human, and much of the baggage I carried with me for so long has dropped away.  With time I will emerge a stronger and better person.  The Lord willing.

With Love
Joe

I will emerge a stronger and better person.

Yes! You undoubtedly will.
 
Your feelings of hatred are very normal and part of the process you are going through, and yes, you will heal from them.
 
I pray that your meeting with Darcy will go ahead smoothly and without unpleasantness.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
My prayers are with you as move along this difficult journey!
I, too, hope your time with Darcy will be enjoyable for you and not marred in any way!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joe,
 
I listened to Empty...it is quite intense and thank you for sharing it here.
 
I do believe self-control is always the best during all of your visits.
Remember peace and patience and courtesy always.
 
I know its hard but you can vent all of your feelings at other times with those that can help you or alone in a walk.
 
Take good care of your self and I too hope your time today with them will be peaceful.
 
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Well, the answer to the question "How did the visit go?" is that it didn't.  Once again Julie manufactured a reason not to allow me to see Darcy.  The difference this time is that she threatened my safety over the phone.  So I had the police here, and they have advised me not to communicate directly with her at all, but to make all contact through her lawyer.

Once again I allowed myself to trust that she would do what she said in letting me see Darcy, and once again she has betrayed that trust.  I am becoming so bitter and hate-filled towards her.  I can not stop the pain she inflicts, because I need to be open to giving love to my son when I see him, whenever that will be, and because to shut down my feelings now would negate all the healing I have done over the last four years.

There is an ugliness in me with this that I am trying very hard to cleanse, but each time I get close to achieving it something hurtful and hateful happens, and I'm right back in it.  There is so much hate and deliberate hurt coming from Julie that my compassion and generosity seem to be at and end.  I need a compassion top-up.  I need to find a reserve of humane concern in me that I can tap into while this is happening.  I can not see an end to this for some time, and if I keep going down the path I find myself on right now - the path of anger and hate - I will be lost in the darkness for ever.

I am using the sign I put up on my wall, which says simply "Remember", to bring myself back to the real Joe, the man who has fought so hard to be able to look in the mirror and see someone he likes and is proud of being.  I have also kept up a constant conversation with God to ask His help in this.  This is the most important battle of my whole life, because it is a battle to defend the me I have come to be.  It is a battle which will decide who stands in front of Him to be judged.  Someone who kept to His laws despite extreme provocation, or someone who gave in to hatred, or even worse to self-destruction, under the pressure.  Every moment is a battle.

Keep praying my friends, and pray for Julie especially, because I know who has his dark hand around her heart, and who is reveling in the anger and pain being generated.  Well he may have her right now, but she is still the mother of my son, and I will not give up on her being able to walk in the light again.  And he WILL NOT have my son.  The light of God shines on Darcy, and the light of my love for him.

With love and a unshakable determination
Joe

I am becoming so bitter and hate-filled towards her.

 
Dear Joe,
Prayers will continue for you, for Julie and for Darcy.
 
You are doing tremendously well, I think.
 
Julie appears to be mentally ill. Would it help to talk to a doctor about her threats to you? If she is so unstable, surely that makes her less suitable to bring up your son?
 
Keep strong. Another trick you could use to remind yourself, is to visualize yourself stepping into a circle of light. Every day.... maybe many times a day, make sure you are in the centre of the light. This ensures that you stay 'centred.'
This really works because of right/left brain activity. Too much one way and we become off-balance.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Keep strong. Another trick you could use to remind yourself, is to visualize yourself stepping into a circle of light. Every day.... maybe many times a day, make sure you are in the centre of the light. This ensures that you stay 'centred.'

I am feeling surprisingly strong and settled tonight.  Your idea of the light is a good one, and when I tried the visualisation I had such a sense of the presence of great love and trust, and I knew that I walked in His light. 

I think because Julie's behavious today was so childish, and because I received such positive support from the police, including a young female officer who was very supportive, I feel a sense of calmness and peace, such as I have not had for many days, in fact for many months.  i know without doubt that my cause is just, and that if I can keep the calmness and quiet strength I WILL succeed in being the dad Darcy needs and deserves.

It's one of the interesting side effects of Julie having DID that has helped.  Despite there being malicious thought and motivation in her, her thinking is rather childish.  She did not seem to understand that if she was going to threaten me that she had called the police and they were coming with her to get her things, that she should first make sure she actually called the police, and that I would not think it was a great idea to have them here if she is here.  Now she has had two occasions of threatening me with the police and each time I have followed up with contacting them myself and asking for their help.  So now she is a person known to the police for causing problems and threatening me. 

The DID seems to have more and more meant that her thought processes are childish and not producing the results she hoped for.  It's almost like a spoiled ten-year-old saying "I'm going to tell my big brother on you", but the big brother turns out to not be her brother at all, and doesn't like being annoyed by ten-year-olds.

I have also found today that I've done a lot of examining my feelings about Julieand my situation, and I find that what I thought was ugly hatred is at least partly righteous indignation.  I don't have that same feeling of ugliness that I did before.  And I am more determined that ever to fight with every good weapon I have access to, to be the sort of dad my son will be proud of.

All of which means that I am in a better place than I have been since this whole sad business started.

With Love
Joe

I have also found today that I've done a lot of examining my feelings about Julieand my situation, and I find that what I thought was ugly hatred is at least partly righteous indignation.

 
Joe, this makes perfect sense. Indignation can produce a rage in us that is perfectly righteous and understandable, and it needs an outlet. Yes, try to keep the calmness. There is strength in staying calm in difficult situations.
 
I'm glad the Light visualization helped...it does me....and I'm pleased you are feeling better.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

It has been a day of contrasts today.  I saw a counsellor who I had last seen before the hell of the conference and it's aftermath, and she was genuinely shocked to hear what had happened.  I was good to talk from a position of having at least a little time since it all came down on my head.  I surprised myself with the strength that was in my voice, and the determination I expressed.  She has worker in the child welfare system in the past, and was not at all surprised by how I was treated.  She said that this sort of thing was normal, and the reason she left that area of work.  Isn't it an ugly paradox that a lot of the people in that system are either newly graduated from university, or people who are in it to meet their own personal agenda, when these are the last people who should have the right to decide what a child's best interests are.  So generally a positive day.

Tonight, though, it's back to the pain which comes down with the evening to lay so heavily on my shoulders and around my heart.  Darcy was seven weeks old yesterday.  The pain of missing him is not lessening with time, rather it is growing.  I know it is still very early days, but I am finding it harder and harder to sit with.  I have reached a very good place with touching the strength I need to get through, and I noticed today when i saw myself reflected in a shop window that I am walking tall and straight.  But it seems that the pain I am allowing to be there is stronger as well.  I had to stop driving today because I heard some sad news on my car radio, and burst into a flood of tears, and I did the same watching the TV news.

I have also been trying to work out where in the grief cycle I am.  Times are I want to tear down the world to have him back (and the Julie who was my partner, but who no longer exists, and the family we were going to be).  Times are I want to take the people who have done this to me and make them wish their parents had never met.  Then I have to just sit and allow the pain subside.  And then I sob for half an hour out of sheer sorrow.  I guess I am where I am, and it will take the course it takes.

As they say in the classics "Ain't life a bitch?"

With Love

Joe

I guess I am where I am, and it will take the course it takes.

 
Yes, you are dear Joe, and it takes a lot to accept that.
 
I think we can all relate to your description of your grief and its effects.
 
But you are also aware that your resolve is strong., and as you say, the worst of the painful times does subside.
 
My thoughts are with you,
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

So sorry Joe for all of the suffering and hurt that is in your life at this time.
I hope for you a prayer of strength and soundness in your days to come.
I hope you can find the way through and through calmness be what is needed for you to survive in this pain of family seperation. Many blessings to you and your loved ones, Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Dear Joe,
 
I have lived things that enable me to understand you pretty well. I will light a candle.
 
Someone earlier was talking of EMDR. I tried it and it really works.

I appreciate the good thoughts and love, and they are a votal part of the strength I need to get through this.

I have tried EMDR in the past, and it had a paradoxical negative effect on me, because it took me back to my abuse.  At the moment it is the gentle support of my main counsellor which is helping most, along with writing the music.  I am able to express so much of myself that way, and I don't need to try and find any words.  There have been so many times when the tears have flowed, but there are no words there.  I'm not sure why.  I think it's because I have used language all my life as a protection against being hurt, so language takes me to a place of intellect, even words about my feelings.

I call the sensation and emotion I am having to deal with from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, and sometimes even in my dreams, pain because there is no other word that describes it.  But it's more than pain.  It's extreme distress of my body, my mind, my spirit and my soul.  And I can feel the damage it's done.  I was making a phone call a little earlier, and I found I have started stammering and not being able to get any words out at all.  I am experiencing panic attacks and anxiety attacks in a way which I have not done for about five years. 

I really hate the fact that this is all there is in my life.  There is no laughter, no affection, no intimacy.  The only creative expression I am able to do is to express my pain and fear and anger in music.  I was supposed to be writing music to express great joy and wonder and triumph with the birth of my son.

I have an appointment with another lawyer this afternoon, so hopefully I will be clearer about where I actually stand, and if it really is true that I can take no positive action.

With Love
Joe

Dear Joe,
 
My prayers accompany you on this painful journey. It is hard to accept what is, but it is the only real starting point from which to move on. I hope your counselors are of help to you. Don't worry about not being able to find words. They are not always necessary. Silence may say more than words.
 
A candle keeps burning for you.
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joe,
The stammering and being unable to get your words out are very descriptive of your anxiety.
 
As a Healer I would see this as heart-pain that has caused a huge hole in your heart chakra. Try visualizing emerald green around your heart to heal it, and a pink lotus blossom or water lily in your heart centre, gently opening up...just enough to feel love for yourself, but not too open that your heart will get hurt even more. Regulate the lotus blossom's open state according to how much your heart needs protecting.
 
Actually, generally speaking, difficulties with speaking or getting our words out, is associated with not being able to speak our truth. I expect you would identify with that at the moment. The throat chakra is the next chakra up after the heart, and the energy is not able to flow freely.
 
Any expression of your pain is good. Music is yours, poetry would be mine. Keep using it.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way