Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

Actually, generally speaking, difficulties with speaking or getting our words out, is associated with not being able to speak our truth. I expect you would identify with that at the moment. The throat chakra is the next chakra up after the heart, and the energy is not able to flow freely.

This is so true.  I am fortunate that I have my singing twice a week, so I am able to allow my throat energy to flow.   The music I'm writing is most definitely from my heart, which is why it is so intense and difficult.  But having it and talking to counsellors (I use a telephone counselling service almost every night) has allowed me to keep the energy of my feelings flowing, and not putting a lid on it, as I used to do.

I saw a lawyer today, and he gave me two and a half hours, so I'm now really clear on where I stand, and what I have to do.  He knew the manager who tried her best to make me fit into the picture of child abuser, and she is like that with everyone, every parent of either gender (not a man-hater but rather a person-hater).  Apparently I escaped lightly!  It is not unusual for her (and others from the same department) to take cases to the children's court to ask for the parents to have no access to their children at all!!

So I am to be very quiet and not make waves, and not interact directly with Julie (that bit is easy).  And in 3 or 6 months the department will have forgotten we exist. 

I am much more settled and at peace tonight than I have been since this whole nasty business started.  I still have a huge aching hole in my chest, both emotionally and physically.  I still ache for Darcy so much it feels like it will never be comfortable.  I still ache for the Julie who I loved and who I think loved me, although I have now come to doubt everything she did, including all the times she said she loved me.  Anyway, that Julie is gone, and will never return.  So I ache for the family we were going to be.  And the joy and wonder of watching my son grow.  Hopefully I will still see him grow, but it will not be the same as it would have been, largely because there will always now be the ugliness and pain between Julie and me.

Still, as Elton John once sang "I'm still standing, better than I ever did".  You betcha.

With love

Joe

p s How do I get the photo I have in my profile to show up in the frame on the left of the screen?

and she is like that with everyone, every parent of either gender (not a man-hater but rather a person-hater).

She sounds like a child-hater too, even though she probably thinks she is acting in the best interests of the child!! A perfect case of over-reacting and over-generalizing.
 
Joe, I love the Elton John quote at the end....make that your mantra.
 
I'll keep the candles lit,
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Don't worry about not being able to find words. They are not always necessary. Silence may say more than words. Edda

Music without words . . .
let the music be the words . . .
how healing!
 
ps. As far as I know,
you cannot get the photo from your profile into the picture frame . . .
I have seen the picture of Darcy . . .
what a beautiful little child!
Peace to you dear Joe . . .
candles remain lit for you
with love . . .
sparrow 

everything counts... ♥

Regulate the lotus blossom's open state according to how much your heart needs protecting.

 
That is an action of being gentle with oneself. I love how it emcompasses self-love and self-care for one's own heart ache. As the visual is an action to soothe the aching broken heart. Thank you Jude for sharing this visualization. I hope it helps you Joe form new ways of helping you self heal from all of this seperation. As we honor ourselves through the pain that we have deep inside of us we heal and gain more compassion for others too. Through the empathy of our own inner world we can also give care to others one day or maybe even right now too. Peace, Love and Joy, Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Joe,

Although I have not posted a message for you for some time, I want you to know that your concerns are in my heart. As a mother I perfectly understand your negative feelings after all that has happened, but much more the positive ones, for I know them to be the ones that count. Yesterday I started posting what Thomas Merton says on Love (on "Please share your wisdom"). In the darkest times of my life I have always held on to this philosophy of Love being the foundation of everything that exists, more often than not hoping against all hope. And circumstances have eventually always changed for better...

I am going to light another candle, with my prayer for you, Darcy and Julie.

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

And circumstances have eventually always changed for better...

Well, I am being very, very careful not to allow myself to become too positive, but I have had a courteous conversation with Julie, and we have arranged access for tomorrow.  I had to do a lot of swallowing of responses to  some things she said (such as it being entirely my fault that this had all happened), and I was able to do it, AND get her to agree that my access to Darcy did not in fact have to be with her sitting in my lap.

I am absolutely NOT going to go soft on my clear understanding of what has happened, and how, and by whom.  To do this would put me right back into the "All I need to do is be nice enough and it will all be wonderful" state that I lived my life by until very recently.  I MUST hold onto the clear memory of what it was like in the period after the conference.  I WILL not be twisted back into the compliant little Joe I was for so many years.

But I can be as courteous as I need to be, without trading off any of the strength I have been able to find, with the enormous help of you, my friends, and my sister, Kim, and my counsellor, Pat, and the dear Lord who has carried me so far in this period.  I will be courteous, and open to listen to Julie for a while, because there is so much I haven't  seen of Darcy's growth.  And then I shall be assertive about having the right to some time alone with my son.

And LOTS and LOTS of photos.

As God is my witness, I can feel such a change and growth in myself tonight.  Perhaps I can look forward to a time when there is no pain in me, or at least not the agony of the last six weeks.  And I have got here with my self-respect intact and strong.

Pray the tomorrow goes well, without the usual dramas.  As my granddad used to say "Expect the worst, hope for the best, and you'll get something in between".

I have now finished two more pieces of the Missing Darcy Suite, so I'll post links soon.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Here are the two links.  The first piece came about because someone asked me what the worst thing was about what has happened, and I said it was the waiting, not knowing what was going to happen.  The second came as soon as I had finished Waiting, and it was the depth of the emptiness I have felt inside.

Waiting
In the Depths

There is a lot more to come, I can feel it bubbling away just under the surface, and sometimes I have a flash of a melody or harmony, and that is a good sing that there is music there waiting to get out.  I think I said a while ago that I feel my grandmother's presence when I write the music.  I still feel that, stronger than ever, and I also feel the Devine Presence guiding me as I write.  It flows so easily now, I am still amazed by how I can put the notes down to express what I feel, and it rarely needs revision.  I am given so many blessings, I guess I can answer my own question of why I was going through so much pain.  I understand that I could not express these feelings without journeying through them.  That being the case, I am in fact blessed by having the pain and anger and fear and loss that I have had.

What an absolutely astonishing revelation!!  I think it will have its own music, and I will be able to write the joyous and wondering music I was going to write for Darcy.

I think I  can hear someone up there chuckling.

 

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
 
Keep these good feelings and thoughts in storage for the times that might not be so good, so you can take them out and 'look' at them, and be reminded that good times are possible.
 
So......get that camera ready. I shall light a candle now for a successful meeting.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
I too will light a candle for you having some quality time with your family tomorrow. May your love and God's love accompany all of you. May you bring with you a boundless intention of grace and love and light. May peace settle in you as you live each day.
 
Your music is very beautiful and it is again intense and remains with me now. I am grateful for experienceing your hearts song today.  Beuatiful words you have expressed here today Joe, and I appreciate the growth in you within this trying time. Remember to sometimes reread these words as they are empowering and create a beautiful essence for you as well as all you share it with. 
 
There is a lot more to come, I can feel it bubbling away just under the surface, and sometimes I have a flash of a melody or harmony, and that is a good sing that there is music there waiting to get out.  I think I said a while ago that I feel my grandmother's presence when I write the music.  I still feel that, stronger than ever, and I also feel the Devine Presence guiding me as I write.  It flows so easily now, I am still amazed by how I can put the notes down to express what I feel, and it rarely needs revision.  I am given so many blessings, I guess I can answer my own question of why I was going through so much pain.  I understand that I could not express these feelings without journeying through them.  That being the case, I am in fact blessed by having the pain and anger and fear and loss that I have had.
Gosh would you please go to the share the wisdom thread today...it has some writings on love that I feel will especially help you in some of the resolve/desolve and understanding of all this pain and anger.So maybe be you can strengthen and center you tender and compassionate heart.  Love to you, Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Here is a photo I did not expect to be able to show - me with Darcy this morning!  The age of miracles is alive!!

 

I have been blessed beyond any hope.  I spent an hour and a half with him, and Julie generally left us to it.  He was awake when he arrived, and the life and personality he is showing is extraordinary.  I held him and fed him, and then, with Julie telling me he won't settle to sleep without needing to be walked back and forth, he and I simply shared a time of peace and harmony, and he went to sleep in my arms.

I am crying for joy right now, to have felt his beautiful spirit, and his love. 

Julie and I have agreed to twice-weekly visits for now.  I didn't want her feeling overwhelmed.  I will ask for it to be increased in about a month.  And I am not losing my sense of needing to be very protective of myself, nor am I ever going to forget what this time has cost me.  I could feel the anger and pain rising to the surface several times, but I was able to keep them safely under wraps.

You, my friends, have helped to bring this about, with your prayers and wishes.

And to add joy to joy, I was able to get a photo of my swan family on the way home!


May the good Lord grant me a time now of comfort and inner peace and happiness. 

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Thank you for sharing this beautiful message and the photo of happiness! Let me quote once more part of what I copied for the "Wisdom thread" yesterday:

Love is. All else is not, because in the same measure in which things partake in being, they partake of love. All that is not love, is not. All that which is, has its being and its action in love. - Thomas Merton

Juliana

 

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Thank you Joe for sharing this with us! I'm so glad that things went well, and I pray they continue that way. A lovely photo of you both, and Juliana's quote says it all.
 
Are they black swans? I think the 'swan of Tuenela' was black.
 
Congratulations on keeping your calm.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe . . .
I am so glad to see  and hear
this good news!
What kind eyes you have
as you so very tenderly
hold your dear Darcy in your arms . . .
what Juliana has quoted about love
is true in more ways
than just the surface.
 
I don't think
that in the long run,
keeping your anger and pain 'under wraps'
will serve you well . . .
perhaps if you could look at it gently,
you might discover
that it is a love that has 'become ill',
and nurture it back to its truest form.
I give to you this quote that Juliana posted on "Share Your Wisdom"
and which speaks so much to me . . .

...as a matter of fact, men do love, whether they know it or not... men can never cease loving... If men live in discord with each other and with God, it is not because they do not love, but because they do not understand and accept the fact that they are bound to love of necessity.
Psychoanalysis has taught us that much hate and fear, and even many physical illnesses, are caused by a love that refuses to acknowledge itself as such, a love that has become ill because it fails to recognize its true nature and has lost sight of its object. The conflicts that beset our world are not caused by the absence of love, but by a love that no longer recognizes itself... Cruelty is misdirected love, and hate is frustrated love.

Blessings Joe,
as you move forward . . .
I am so pleased that you are able to see Darcy more often
with love . . .
sparrow
     ♥
ps. Thank you for the lovely picture of 'your' swan family'.
They look so peaceful . . .

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joe
I have not been around much to read or write.  What an auspicious day I came to this thread.  A beautiful photo of you holding your very wonderful son.  Such a lovely photo, Joe. 
 
Sparrow wrote

don't think that in the long run, keeping your anger and pain 'under wraps' will serve you well . . .

This was the thought that came to mind for me also.  "what we resist persists". 
 
I will pray for you to be shown a way to work on healing and releasing  the anger...... which is there for logical reason, of course.  I will pray that you will be led to the right person to assist with healing and releasing some of it.   I am reminded of what a Zen master used to teach.  That when we stuff something we just put it in storage.   And oh when those storage bins get too full its not a very good situation.  I do understand it is important to  check the anger so that Julie  cannot use it against you.  I do hope it was alright to say that, Joe
 
I am lighting a candle for you now.  with love, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

I do understand it is important to check the anger so that Julie cannot use it against you. I do hope it was alright to say that, Joe

It is of course right that I can not just bury the anger, and that was very clear today.  I still feel the joy of holding Darcy, and sharing his space, but I woke this morning with such rage.  I had to beg and plead for the chance to do what  I should be doing by right - being with my son.  I have to be a good little Joe, and not say the thoughts that were going through my mind, such as how dare she put me through what I have been through.  I was given an hour and a half as if it were the most wonderful gift, rather than a very small proportion of what I should have had.

I do indeed need to find a safe way to release this rage, or it will fester and become overwhelming.  I have to be the most stable person anyone could find when I am with them.

My counsellor put it well: Strength and determination and control now, so that the time when it can be just me and Darcy will come the soonest possible.  This is the strength that I can not find in just my own resources.  This is the strength that I must call on God for.  He has kept me in this life for a reason.  Perhaps the whole reason is to teach Darcy about strength that is not destructive, that is not used to control others.  The power that his mother has over my actions now is destructive - the sort of power that feeds on fear and weakness.  The strength I am having to find is creative and self-renewing, because it comes from the love that Darcy and I share.

And I truly believe a day will come when Darcy will say to me: "Dad, can I come to live with you?"  And the power that Julie has used will evaporate.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

I think that, in the short term, Joe cannot help it : his visible expression of anger gets in the way of his objectives. His anger is being used by Julie against him. So he has no choice. The Adult must be dealing with the situation. (This is probably why Darcy falls asleep so easily in his arms: he feels an Adult is holding him, and he feels safe. Nice.) 
 
I do not think he is burying it, rather channelling it to an expression that does not cause unwanted effects. Talking to his therapist is okay, at least for the moment.
 
I will pray that your dream comes true, Joe.
 

Dear Joe,
 
I haven't written much but you have been on my mind and in my heart!
Thank you for that great picture of you with Darcy!
 
You are struggling with your rage. It is good that you realize that it needs to be channeled and released since, over the long haul, it gets into the way of healing.
It is hard to accept Julie for the person she is. You can't change her; only she can do it. You can control how you respond to her and find the way that is most helpful in getting what you are hoping for, spending more time with Darcy.
 
I keep you in my prayers, and a candle lit,
 
With love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Today has been a monumentally hard day and a monumentally important day.  Today I found a connection between what has been happening recently and what happened when I was a small child.

I woke up feeling a particular sort of dragging heaviness which I recognise a a precursor to very deep depression, the sort that leaves you unable to even get out of bed for months at a time.  I have absolutely no desire to go back there, so I explored what feelings were underneath.  As I've said before, I have used depression to keep a lid on big feelings, so if the depression was as heavy as it seemed to be, the feelings were going to be extreme.  What I found was rage and hatred towards Julie at a level I did not think I would ever feel about anyone.  And there was no apparent relationship between what she has done (as nasty as it is) and the strength and depth of the feelings.

Fortunately today is my counselling day, and so I was able to safely explore what was really going on.  I came to a point where I was reliving the conference where I was torn apart, and then I found a memory of when I was four years old, and "seeing" parts of me splitting off and being closed away.  it is no wonder that I have been so badly affected by what has happened in the last few months, because it is an echo of the time when as a four-year-old, I did what many survivors of child abuse do, and that is to put the most vulnerable parts of themselves into places where the abuse can't touch it.

So all that has happened now has had the purpose of forcing me to reach the most hidden and most painful part of myself, to finally allow it to heal, and for me to become a whole person.  I hadn't known it was there, and I hadn't known that I was ready to face it.  I still have grave doubts about whether I am in fact ready, but it not I who has decided that the time is right.  I stood at the edge of the abyss, not so I could decide if I wanted to jump, but so I could be shown the power of the One who has carried me so often in this thing that has been my life, shown that He could bring me back even from there, if I trusted Him. 

I have so much more healing to do, but now I have an explanation of what seems inexplicable.

So I am blessed!!

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

I hadn't known it was there, and I hadn't known that I was ready to face it. I still have grave doubts about whether I am in fact ready, but it not I who has decided that the time is right.

 
Dear Joe,
 
Life events do happen at the right time, so, although you don't feel ready (we never do because we would rather leave things buried) this is the right time.
 
Be gentle with yourself. Let things settle. As you say, this is monumental.
 
I will keep a candle lit for you.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Joe
 
Thank you for sharing this! It helps me to empathically understand what people in a state of depression are going through. I am reminded by what you say about what I once heard a psychologist say: the message depression has for anyone is always that some change is needed in his/her life. I sense that you are moving forward and upward, and this certainly is good news.
 
Another candle is going to be lit for all of you.
Juliana 

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)