My prayers go with you,
dear Joe
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Yes dear Joe....expect the best. I certainly pray for the best possible.
 
Don't worry too much about Darcy not liking strangers. All babies go through this as part of their development and coping with separation from the main carer. He may cry this time when he sees you, or when you are on your own with him. All babies do this. Don't panic!
 
With you in spirit,
Jude

Love is the only way

The road is ever bumpy.

My time with Darcy was wonderful. there were no arguments, even though Julie insisted on sitting next to me the whole time.  He is a beautiful, happy, aware boy, with his father's good looks.  A magic hour and a half.  And a promise that it would be a weekly event.

HA, HA, HA.

I've just received an email from Julie saying that it went really well, but that she would not be prepared to do it again.  Why, I hear you ask?  Because she "doesn't trust it when I'm too nice"!!!!!!!!!

So I'm holding tight onto the happiness I experienced today, and allowing my feelings for her to be there, but not taking over.  Basically, she came wanting there to be arguments, so she could justify not letting me see him, and is annoyed that I didn't play her game.

I realsied today, looking at her, how pathetic she and her life are.  Without Darcy she would have no-one at all.  And her life is so shallow that she was uncomfortable with the happiness and love Darcy and I shared.

I am left with such a mix of feelings.  Happiness to have seen and held my son, pride in myself for not getting drawn into her stupid games, sadness that she is so unable to share her son, anger (lots) at again knowing that it will be some time before we are together.

Generally, though, feeling OK.


___________________________________________

Stood up for a while, sitting down now, waiting for my time.

Feeling cool

Joe

HA, HA, HA.

 
Please don't be too cynical Joe. Try hard to see the best outcome to all this. I know from experience that our worst fears usually do come true because we concentrate on them. In other words, what we conentrate on we will get more of. Even if you don't trust Julie, try to believe you WILL see more of Darcy. Keep Julie out of these thoughts because that's where your cynicism comes from to sabotage you.
 
See yourself playing with Darcy on a regular basis and keep that picture firmly in your mind.
 
I'm glad you are feeling "O.K." and hope this continues. Be assured that Darcy is a happy baby, as you say he is.
 
Sit down and be strong!
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

I am happy,
dear Joe,
that you had a good visit with little Darcy.

The road is ever bumpy.

That, I think,
is the nature of the beast . . .
 
to navigate successfully,
I believe in embracing the highs
and accepting the lows
without rancor.
I am still learning . . .
 

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joe

My time with Darcy was wonderful

 
Hold on to these precious memories and they will see you through your dark times.
 
Take good care of yourself.
 
Sandra
 
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Hold on to these precious memories and they will see you through your dark times.

Today has been awful.  The pain is back at full volume, the sadness, and the ugly, dark anger towards Julie.

I would almost rather have not had the time with Darcy than have had it and lost it again.  Almost.  I have been able to hole onto the time I had with him as a safety valve, because I believe that without that I would do something I would regret.  There is now nothing but hatred and rage towards Julie.  It's lucky I'm not the violent man she named me as.

I know I will get through this, and I am absolute in my belief that Darcy and I will be a family.  No amount of her darkness and evil will ever put that light out.  Each time she brings more pain into my life just strengthens the light, and with a little time will strengthen me and my love for my son.

And it is the light of goodness and love and beauty that I share with my little man.  He knew me.  He knows my love. He is held in the safety of my love and God's light and love.

BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE BE SO HARD?

__________________________________

I think I'll just lie here, and then I won't have as far to fall

Joe

There is now nothing but hatred and rage towards Julie. It's lucky I'm not the violent man she named me as.

 
Dear Joe,
Be careful that this hatred and rage doesn't turn into violence towards yourself. Hating her will not make her more likely to let you see Darcy more often, and hate does harm us a lot!
 
Don't expect anything, but just allow Mother Earth, God, the angels, or whatever, to take your pain and hate. No expectations, but the intention will be there. Not hating Julie doesn't mean you condone her behaviour or that you are letting her get away with anything, but it will help you not to become ill.
 
Concentrate on that feeling of Love you have for Darcy....let that feed you, let it include yourself in that Love.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,

Having been away for a while, I have only now read your latest posts. I have shared your joy of being united in Love with and Gratefulness for Darcy. Let it linger as best you can, for LOVE is the only truth! I echo what Jude says - do not allow anger and hatred damage you! My motto might be helpful: Do not expect - accept! I know it´s easier said than done.

Anyway, I wish the very best for you, anticipating more Joy for you to come.
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

I haven't posted for a while, because I've been busy worrying about Julie and Darcy.  Julie is now in the midst of a major psychotic episode of her mental illness.  I was SO wrong to think it had gone.  She's just been able to keep it under control until now.

Last Saturday when I saw Darcy she was looking low, but I didn't think much of it.  She also said a few things that I didn't take notice of.  Then her email to me after the access, which has some pretty paranoid thoughts in it.  I sent her an email apologising for my angry response, and then another friendly one on Thursday, and she replied with an email with a full-on paranoid delusional tirade. 

I've reported it to the child welfare services twice, but I won't know what their response will be until Monday.

This is VERY, VERY worrying, because I would guess she is in the next to last phase of becoming unwell, and when she gets there Darcy's safety is seriously in danger.  When she's full-on psychotic she puts holes in the walls if she doesn't like something, she totally isolates herself, not even going out to buy food, she believes there are cameras in the ceiling and in the TV, major delusion.  There was one occasion soon after I came up here to help her with the last major episode when she didn't recognise me, and thought I was someone breaking into the house.

I've tried to contact her, but I'm the major target of her paranoia.  She said she would go to court to get a restraining order, and I pray she does, because then the judge will see her mental state, and she may be forced to get proper treatment.

Please, please, pray for Darcy to be safe.  I don't know what I would do if she hurt him.  The best would be for her to have to be hospitalised, because then I would be able to get custody.  I don't want her hurt, even though now I have no positive feelings for her.  I JUST WANT MY SON TO BE SAFE. PLEASE GOD.


_______________________________________

Standing up again


Joe

Dear Joe,

Please know that I am praying with you for Darcy´s safety and for peace and strength for you. Thank you for sharing the news. As saddening as they are, let us trust that good may eventually come from them. May the Holy One, who so wonderfully brought Darcy into being, protect and guide him! A candle will be lit in your group "4joe" for all of you.

Blessings and Love,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
I too will light a candle and will have one lit in my home as well.
I pray for Darcy's safety and ask you to join me in putting a protective light around him.
 
Try to stay calm and centred.
 
Sending Hugs and Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Prayers and blessings
that all will be well . . .
yes,
a circle of protective light
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joe,
 
My prayers are with you all, for you for strength and wisdom, for Darcy that he may be safe, and Julie that she receive the help she needs.
 
A candle is burning for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you all.  Knowing that I have your support makes it a lot easier.

I've had a better day today.  I spent yesterday in a panic, but I have more composure today.  I have not heard anything from health services like the psych hospital, so I have to accept that we are not at the crisis stage yet.

It's hard not to wish for Julie to become really unwell, because this would bring Darcy to me.  But I have seen her like that and it is awful.  I would also have fears about Darcy's safety in the time before she was hospitalised.  So I am hoping for her to find enough insight to seek proper treatment, and for the treatment to be successful.  That way Darcy can be kept safe.


I saw my swan family today when i was going to do my weekly shopping.  The "babies" are now almost as big as their parents, and have gray feathers, not the down of chicks.  I keep meaning to put mu camera into my car so I can get some photos.  Today's would have been such a beautiful one.  The young ones were in line astern to their mother or father, swimming along quite quickly.  I get such joy from seeing the way these two swans are such good parents, and seeing the young ones grow up.

I have also decided I need a computer keyboard that will not allow two keys to be pressed at the same time.  I spend as much time erasing the extra letters as I do typing the actual wortds.

Anyway, I'm seeing my lawyer tomorrow to start the Family Court process happening.  The first step in what I am sure will be a long and tedious journey, but at least I will have a sense that things are moving forward.  It may even help me cope with the intense feelings I have so often of being totally powerless and helpless.


______________________________________

Still standing, and maybe I can get my feet out of the mud


Joe

Dear Joe,

Thank you for keeping us updated. I empathize with your changing emotions. May you find reassurance and comfort in the swan family, which you watch thriving! It reminds me of the paragraph in the Bible where Jesus says that even the lilies in the fields and the sparrows are so well looked after by our Heavenly Father - how much more his human children! Even the hairs on our heads are counted! It was this saying that led me through the hard time when my son was wandering through Africa, and I did not have any news from him. I keep candles lit for you, entrusting Darcy and you to Divine Love.

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
 
I am glad you are feeling a little better today. There will be bad days and better days. This is true for all of us in one way or another.
 
Let nature soothe you and slow you down!
 
Perhaps you need to type more slowly to avoid the extra letters! There may be occasions  when you need to be able to press down more than one key, like escaping a "deep freeze" of you computer, when nothing else works!
 
With every good wish,
Edda

Peace and joy!

have also decided I need a computer keyboard that will not allow two keys to be pressed at the same time. I spend as much time erasing the extra letters as I do typing the actual wortds.

 
This would drive me mad!!
 
I've just remembered, I wrote my reply this morning and the website disappeared on me so I couldn't post it.
 
I'm pleased you are starting the legal process as that will be doing something positive, and yes, it is better to feel you are doing something.
 
Candles will be lit for you all.
 
Take that camera out with you...
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

One day at a time,
dear Joe,
and when that is impossible,
one minute at a time . . .
 
I think some of the newer keyboards
are prone to typing two letters at a time.
My husband has one,
and I can't stand it!
 

everything counts... ♥

Well, I took the camera with me, but it was a rainy, blustery day, and I couldn't get a photo.  Maybe tomorrow.

I came away from my lawyer much happier than I went in.  She was very reassuring, and said that if we lodge an urgent application it may be heard in a matter of weeks!!!!!  She was also as optimistic as it's possible for a lawyer to be about the likely outcome.

I know when I can get into court I will be able to argue my case, and not be trying to get people who wish me harm to be nice.  I know I will have an order to see Darcy on a regular basis, but then it will be a matter of Julie sticking to the order.

This saga is nowhere finished, but I feel like I've reached an important place.

My lawyer was very blunt in saying that I was by no means the first parent to have this happen, and I would not be the last.  I find it very sad that something that should bring so much joy - having a child - is so often turned into something which inflicts pain.

The one thing which I can see as fortunate with Darcy is that he is too young to understand the trauma of his parents separating.  And my relationship with him, although it will have taken some time to establish, will be mostly all he knows of me.  I know my other kids were very hurt by the separation.  But then they had their childhood with their dad.

I just want to get to the time when the ugliness and anger and pain are just memories, not daily companions.

On a different note, I went singing tonight with my Union (as in workers') choir, and we sang a Pete Seeger song "The Bells of Rhymney", that I saw him perform in a theatre in Sydney when I was 14.  He dragged a tree onto the stage and chopped it to give the rhythm.  And that is a loooong time ago.  This video is the same tour I saw him on, but in Melbourne (1963).  Pete Seeger - The Bells of Rhymney

And then we sang "Joe Hill", which took me back to being about five or six, and seeing Paul Robeson in the Sydney Town Hall.  My grandmother took my sister and me, and we went backstage after the concert.  I distinctly remember the song, and sitting the lap of a dark giant with the most comforting voice I have ever heard, and having a feeling of being safe and loved.  Paul Robeson - Joe Hill

Funny to have found two of the few good memories from my childhood, with music.

Maybe we should have a "music I remember from when I was a child" thread.


________________________________________________________

Not just standing; moving forward again.

Non illegitimae carborundum

Joe

Dear Joe,

It is good to see you moving forward again! Prayers are with you.

Thank you for the music, which I would never have known otherwise. Paul Robeson - what a voice! I can imagine the feelings of the little boy sitting in his lap.

Candles burning.
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
I too am pleased to see you moving forward again. By no means are you the only dad to have this happen to them. My Son had a similar (or worse) accusation made against him while battling for custody of his little daughter from an alcoholic drug using mother. Just like you it threw him for a bit, but he has had custody now for more than 7 years. Keep faith.
 
That is so good that you have had some pleasant reminders from childhood. There are no coincidences! Yes, we could have a thread "music remembered from childhood" I can think of a few already.
 
I will keep candles lit for you.
 
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Joe, thank you for the songs. I've never heard either of them before. I was amused to hear all those Welsh towns mentioned in the Peter Seeger song.
 
Paul Robeson was a favourite from my childhood too, though I never met him.
 
Jude

Love is the only way

I too am pleased to see you moving forward again. By no means are you the only dad to have this happen to them. My Son had a similar (or worse) accusation made against him while battling for custody of his little daughter from an alcoholic drug using mother. Just like you it threw him for a bit, but he has had custody now for more than 7 years. Keep faith.

It is so good to hear and see stories like mine that have happy endings.  I got very lost in the pain and sadness and anger, and it has been a monumental battle to see anything but disaster and darkness.  But with the help of my beautiful gratefulness family, and some very extraordinary other people like my sister Kim I can now see a future which is not filled with pain.

I can also say with certainty that I would not have made it without help from above.  So many times I have felt the gentlest of touches, soothing me, reassuring me, guiding me ...........................  I remember someone saying to me some time ago "The time when your faith is most tested is the time that you need it most".  I can say without hesitation that my faith is stronger and more immediate than ever.

I am also sure I would not have made it through without music.  One of the pieces from my own "Missing Darcy" suite has sometimes been the only way I could find to open my heart to the feelings instead of pushing them down.  I still play the whole suite every evening.  Three songs have also been monumentally important to give me the strength I've needed.  Walk With Me - Lizz Wright  Open Your Eyes - Lizz Wright  and Old Man - Lizz Wright (she goes down to the D below middle C - that's about an octave below where most female singers start from).

I not anywhere near finished this journey through darkness, but I feel like the light ahead is now visible, rather than something I had to simply believe in.


______________________________________

Moving forward, but carefully

Joe

Dear Joe,
 
Blessings on your continued journey! I am glad you are finding yourself in a better place!
 
A candle is burning for all of you!
 
With love and prayers,
Edda

Peace and joy!

I not anywhere near finished this journey through darkness, but I feel like the light ahead is now visible, rather than something I had to simply believe in.

 
Dear Joe, your journey may not be finished, but this is a much better place to be I'm sure, seeing a glimmer of light and knowing it is there.
 
"Happy is the person who in a dark sky rejoices at seeing a speck of light."
 
 
 
Liz Wright has an extraordinary voice! Her words are very meaningful.
 
Love,
Jude
 
 

Love is the only way

Well, I took the camera with me, but it was a rainy, blustery day, and I couldn't get a photo.

Any day can be worth a picture . . .
I am actually partial to rainy days.
Thank you, Joe,
for the songs.
Paul Robeson has a wonderful voice!
I grew up with the songs of Pete Seeger,
who actually lives not too far from me . . .
'God Bless the Grass' is one of my favorites.
I couldn't find Pete singing it on youtube,
but here is someone else singing it . . .
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWFEIpIuJ14
 
Prayers of healing and light for you
with love . . .
sparrow
 

everything counts... ♥

'God Bless the Grass' is one of my favorites.

 
 
Great song!!

Love is the only way

Dear Joe
 

"The time when your faith is most tested is the time that you need it most". I can say without hesitation that my faith is stronger and more immediate than ever.

I do believe it's in our 'darkest times' we are sustained 'the most'.We can't always feel this at the time but looking back I feel this must be the case.
 
Take good care Joe of yourself 
  
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

I have to share this song.  It's by Lizz Wright, and I get shivers every time I listen to it because of the beauty of her voice

Lizz Wright - Hey Man

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe
 
I came across this song tonight and I felt I needed to share it with you...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4c1woKwjWw&feature=PlayList&p=E7FC41E6B3B0A73C&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=1
 
Take care Joe

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Joe,
 
That's truly a very beautiful song!
 
Sandra, thank you for your song choice. I also came accross it a week or two ago and I think I put it on the "Music" thread.
It is very appropriate for me this morning.
 
At circle dance we do a very meditative dance to this song, and we think it is God talking to us.
 
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,

I do believe in happy endings - I have lived to know many of the kind! It can be terribly tough going through the time before the happy ending. But if we keep the end in mind, trusting, trusting...  (not humans, but the Holy One), we get through them and come out stronger and enriched...

Prayers, candles, and my best wishes to you,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

I do believe in happy endings

It's a bit hard at the moment to see an ending to this battle.  I don't believe Julie will change, just because a judge says she should.  I think I'm going to be battling for a long time for Darcy and me to have the relationship we deserve.

But hey, I've been wrong before. 

It's been a hard couple of days.  I've had major anxiety all day, two days in a row.  Finally tonight I found where it was coming from, so now I can deal with it.  Hardest part was that it stopped me writing my music.  I now have three pieces in the middle of being written. 

It used to be normal for me to feel like that most days, before I started healing from the sexual abuse.  Anxiety and fear were constant companions.  It's hard to feel like that now, because it's so rare.

My prayer is that I will be able to have Darcy with me for Christmas.  Celebrate the birth of a special child with another special child.  That would make it the best Christmas in my whole life.

My prayers also are for all the parents who do not see their children, for whatever reason.  And for the kids who then go through life with an empty space inside where the parent is supposed to be.


___________________________________________________

Maybe if I walk backwards it wouldn't seem like such a long journey

Joe

I do hope your dream will come true!

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

My prayers also are for all the parents who do not see their children, for whatever reason. And for the kids who then go through life with an empty space inside where the parent is supposed to be.

 
I would include grandparents here too. With so many broken families there are a lot of isolated grandparents and grandchildren who don't get to see them.
 
Lighting a candle for you Joe.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

I would include grandparents here too. With so many broken families there are a lot of isolated grandparents and grandchildren who don't get to see them.

Yes, and that included me.  My dad never got on with my mother's parents, so we only saw them at Christmas time.  My grandmother I have some memories of playing the piano, and I am sure she has guided my music many times.  My granddad I didn't really get to know until I was 20, and I visited him while my mum was overseas.  I have such good memories of sitting listening to him tell the stories of his life on the land, and his love of the bush and the animals.  I have regretted a lot the fact that it was not until the latter part of his life that I spent time with him.  I also wish I had learned to play the piano from my grandmother.

Here's a couple of photos. 

My granddad was 90 years old in this photo!  The horse was a wild one which no-one else could even get near to.


A little blurry, but one of my most treasured photos.


Thank you, Jude for taking me down that path of beautiful memories.

________________________________________________

Who put that great big hole in the middle of my path, and why do I keep falling down it?

Joe

Dear Joe,
What beautiful photos! Your Grandad was 90.....my goodness, I wouldn't have put him beyond 65 perhaps.
 
Is there a family resemblance I see in the second photo?
 
I didn't get to know my Grandparents either because I was a late child and they all died in their 60s. A great sadness for me, particularly as my older siblings got to have time with all of them.
 
Keep searching for those happy momories Joe,
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,

Thank you from me for the photos, too! Yes, Grandparents are a great treasure. I never got to know those on my mother´s side, and only the father of my father for a very short time during my childhood. But something nice has happenend to me. Although I have no grandchildren of my own, the son and daughter of a former student of mine call me "Oma" ( = German for Granny). That´s a beautiful relationship we have, which makes me very happy. (It´s not always the ties of blood which unite... Love can flow everywhere...)

Hoping you are walking along, with Hope in your heart,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

(It´s not always the ties of blood which unite... Love can flow everywhere...)

 
Thank you Juliana for reminding us of that fact
 
Jude

Love is the only way