Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

I have faced down the darkness that my father left in me and I can do the same with Julie's.

 
Joe,
It might not seem so at this moment in time, but I believe your relationship with Julie was a gift sent to complete the healing of the abuse caused by your father.
Your visualization of the two merging seems to indicate this.
I pray a day comes soon when you can see Julie as a gift, and that Darcy will be truly your son and you his father. Julie may never be your partner again, but she has given you Darcy, and I also pray your dreams for him and you will soon be realized.
 
Blessings and Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
I think Jude is making an excellent point about finding the gift in all the pain you are suffering. You have received a son at a great price, and you have been put in a position where you have the opportunity to heal old wounds. I know, t may be hard to see it this way right now!
 
I keep you in my prayers, and a candle lit!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

I thought the visualization exercise that Jude mentioned
is so very beautiful and healing . . .
I could feel myself opening
just by reading it . . .
I also agree, Joe,
with what she said,
and Edda repeated,
that there are priceless gifts for you
in both Julie and in Darcy for you,
and I pray for the day when you can fully embrace them,
for that is when your anger will be healed
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I pray for the day when you can fully embrace them, for that is when your anger will be healed

I am afraid that the thought of embracing Julie is too horrific for me to contemplate just now.

I had hoped to bring good news with me today, from the meeting I had with the child welfare manager, and in a fashion I am.  It turns out that I imagined being called a severe risk to my son's welfare, and I imagined the she said the Department would intervene in any action I took in the Family Court.  And she definitely did not imply that I was such a danger to my son that if Julie decided to come back to me she would take Darcy away from her.  So I must have been dreaming when I thought all this happened.  I must have confused them with Julie, because after all it has been her choice all along to refuse me access.

So don't that beat all?  maybe it's old age making me imagine such things.

But, of course, it would not be a good idea to change things at the moment, so we'll just leave ti that my access still has to be supervised, and isn't it a shame that Julie makes it so difficult, and yes, they can understand that I won't have access if Julie is supervising, and yes they understand that there is a four month waiting list for the organisation who could provide independent supervision, but after that's my right to choose.

Etc., etc., etc.  "And why are you looking so unwell, Joe?  No of course we are in no way responsible for the permanent shakes in your hands, and we are definitely not at all responsible for any of the psychological injury you may have sustained during this period."

Do I sound bitter?  I should have known better than to expect some humanity from her, and as for an admission that she may have got it all wrong, well  that's like expecting snow in the middle of July.

At least now I can go to my solicitor and start to get Family Court action happening.  I think I will apply for custody rather than just access.  I'm told that the Court does not at all like parents who use their power over giving access to make the other parent's life miserable.

So we can't break out the champagne just yet.  A lot more prayer is going to be necessary.  I have no doubt that I will ultimately succeed, it's just not to be yet.  And I am SO TIRED.  I'm tired of the anger in me, the pain, the fear, the ugliness of some of the thoughts that come from time to time, the missing Darcy.  The love that's in here for him, that I want to show him. The emptiness.

But my granddad used to say "Nothing that's worth anything comes easily", and he's absolutely right.  I have certainly grown and learnt through this.  I am not the person I was eight weeks ago; there's a strength in me I can feel, that was not there before.

And I have faith in God, that He is working hard to help me be Darcy's dad.  That faith is also new; there was always some faith, but never with the completeness there is now.

Keep praying and sending love to me and Darcy.  And one day I will be able to write "He's with me now".

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

But my granddad used to say "Nothing that's worth anything comes easily", and he's absolutely right.

Yes, he is, Joe, hard to accept as such wisdom is! I used to tell my students the same when I was still teaching. I am glad to read that you can see how you have been growing. And I trust we will all eventually be able to celebrate when you have reached your goal.

I am going to light another candle.

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

I am afraid that the thought of embracing Julie is too horrific for me to contemplate just now.

 
Dear Joe,
I can't speak for Sparrow of course, but I don't think she meant physically embracing Julie.
 
Yes, you do sound bitter, but it's not surprising. Let it all out and let it all go...........
 
We will be with you for the long haul, and I'll light another candle for you all now.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe, I can't speak for Sparrow of course, but I don't think she meant physically embracing Julie. Jude

You are right, Jude . . .
I did not mean physically . . .
thanks for clarifying
   ♥

everything counts... ♥

Well, if I thought that I was feeling low yesterday, I had a lesson in the fact that no matter how low you are, there's always room in  the basement.

I was already angry when i woke up, and Julie had said she was coming to sort out her stuff today.  I told her I had to go to a doctor's appointment at 9.45, so I would let her into the house and go away till she was finished.  I also asked her to have the police there at the start so there would be no unpleasantness.

At 9.30 there was a knock on my door, and it was the police (one of whom had come here when I had to call 000 (our equivalent of 911).  They said Julie was here, and did I want to spend some time with Darcy!  I could have played grateful and said "thanks", and had a few minutes with him, but I found a depth of anger I didn't know I had.  The policeman was very apologetic, saying he had said to Julie to stop f***ing with my head, so I knew I was right.  She had deliberately tried to reinforce how much power she had over my seeing Darcy.  I said no, and told her that I had decided I would not have access with her supervising.  I said, in fact, that I did not want to have anything to do with her at all.  Julie then did her usual "What have I done?" trip, and I left her here.

At about 11.30 she rang me to say that it was taking longer than she had thought, and she'd be here for another couple of hours, and did I want to spend the time with Darcy?  Can you imagine the dilemma I was in.  I did not trust her AT ALL, and knew the being there with her without anyone else was too much of a risk.  Yet I was being offered the chance to spend time with Darcy.  It ripped out what is left of my heart, but I had to say no, and I then said that she was one of the most manipulative and destructive people I had ever known.

I have not been able to sit still since.  The anger and hatred I feel for her is almost beyond my power to control.  I could not have been civil with her, no matter how much I tried.  I have got to find a safe way to discharge these feelings.  For my own safety, as well as for Darcy's sake.

The only positive to come from today is that Julie confirmed what the child welfare manager had said in the conference.

One day, maybe in this life, but if not when she stands before the Lord to have her life judged, she will be made to face the truth of what she has done, and who she has been.  It certainly will not be by choice, because she is still insisting she has done nothing wrong!!!!!!!!

One day she will know the pain and emptiness that I have walked through.

One day my son will say to me "Dad, can I come to live with you?".  Until then I WILL continue to find the strength to continue.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
Do please look after your health. Do please find a safe way to discharge your anger. Otherwise you will become ill and will not be there for Darcy...
 
Take care of yourself for his sake as well as your own.
 
I witness every day what effect angry parents have on their child. Darcy is not too young to pick up on this. Speak to someone experienced in anger management.
 
 
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

I witness every day what effect angry parents have on their child. Darcy is not too young to pick up on this. Speak to someone experienced in anger management.

This is absolutely true, and was one of the reasons I said no to seeing Darcy today.  Even if I had not had so much anger myself, Julie seems to be full of the sort of anger which is never expressed safely, but is given outlets in ways like making things as hard as possible for me.  I know Darcy is being affected because Julie has said he is very hard to settle to sleep.  When i held him, even while Julie was making things miserable last Wednesday, he settled very quickly and easliy, and slept soundly the whole time I held him.

I mentioned wanting to go on a retreat a while ago, but I didn't go because there was too much going on.  Well I've now re-booked to go next week, and I know that I will have lots of opportunities to let my anger out safely.  They have an anger pit there where one can break lots and lots of crockery, and punching bags and other diverse means to let it out, and the carers there are very well trained, even though they are volunteers.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to being there.

The centre is run by survivors of child abuse for survivors.  It will be wonderful to be able to let go of all the ugly stuff about my childhood and my dad that the situation with Julie has opened up.  What I am looking forward to most is to share my grief and loss and pain with people who genuinely care.

Even more wonderful is that for the week there are no telephones or internet or TVs or even radios.  No matter what else I do there, I know I will come back refreshed and renewed.

So I'll keep this thread going until Sunday, and then there will be a pause.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

I know that I will have lots of opportunities to let my anger out safely. They have an anger pit there where one can break lots and lots of crockery, and punching bags and other diverse means to let it out, and the carers there are very well trained, even though they are volunteers. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to being there.

 
This is good news! We'll be with you in spirit and hope you get some real benefit from it.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
I am glad you have decided to make this retreat. As Jude has said, it is so very important for you to release all that anger!
 
I, too, will be in spirit with you, and keep you in my prayers,
 
Love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Tonight I am sitting in a house with lots of boxes and bags and furniture , which will all be gone by lunchtime tomorrow.  I am not staying home to see the last act of destruction of my family.  I feel bad enough now, and I know I would not cope with seeing it all go.

The pain of my loss still sits in my chest.  I'm beginning to feel like it will never go, but I know that time heals all.

The thought of not seeing Darcy for weeks or months is eating away at me.  Part of me wants to put up with the difficulties with Julie, so I can see him, but the part which is the most adult tells me clearly that the trouble would outweigh the joy, and things would probably get worse.

I think tonight I am mostly just tired of the effort of going through each day, with the constant storm of feelings.  I am just hanging out for Sunday, when the retreat starts.

All I really want is some peace and quiet, with my son here.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Keeping candles lit for you Joe, at this very difficult time.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Candles and prayer from me, too, Joe. Let yourself be carried through this, by a Power infinitely greater than human...

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
 
I join Jude and Julianan in prayers and in lighting candles for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

. . . candles lit,
dear Joe
with love . . .
       ♥

everything counts... ♥

Thank you all for these prayers and the love and caring you have all shown me through this time.

It's 6.30 in the morning here on the bottom of the world.  I woke very early, as I usually do if I know the day is going to be unpleasant.  It really is the last day of the destruction of my family.  I have written another piece of music, this one a farewell to that family.

Requiem for a Family

I continue to be amazed at the gift the Lord has given me with music.  There have been times when I have felt my feelings starting to bottle up inside, and have played the music, and it has been a wonderful key to unlock the feelings. 

I shall get through today, as I have each of the days of hell since my family died.  I am now not the compliant, forgiving, weak person I was.  I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and now I fear no evil.  I have been forged into someone very different from who I was two months ago. 

I have had to leave my son in the care of someone who has deliberately injured me.  But that is good in a way, because it leaves me free to heal and learn about the new strength that I have found.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

It is good to know that you can feel the strength you are being given to walk through this day, Joe. I look back at similar days in my life, grateful that they passed and left me stronger. Yes, you have been given a wonderful talent with music.

May you feel that you are not alone. I am grateful you are still standing...

Abundant Blessings at a hard time!
Juliana

 

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
 
Keeping you in my prayer's! My computer is down so just a short note as I am borrowing my son's friend's computer!
Keep practicing self-care and peace, patience and courtesy. Blessings of healing for you in each moment. May God guide your actions and all that comes for the aide in your healing. I hope the re-treat will help you manage all that needs your attention.
 
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane
 
PS
Though I can not light a candle know you are in my prayer's.
 
Jude and Sparrow will you let everyone else know of my computer problem. It may not be resloved for some time so it may just be very intermittent! At least two weeks till there is one in the house again!

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are