Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

Strange day today.  I went out early, because Julie was coming with the removalists to take away her stuff, and didn't want to be here to see the last act of destruction of my family.  I bought a washing machine, a couple of lounge chairs and a coffee table to replace the ones she was taking, and was still shopping when she sent me a text to say she had finished.

I was quite emotional on the drive home, and expected to be devastated to see the emptiness.  It turned out to be not so bad - empty of what had been hers before I knew her, and all the baby furniture, but it's still my home, my stuff is still here.  What upset me most was the fact that Julie had not cleaned up after her, so there was lots of mess and dust where furniture had been, and dirty floors.  So I got to work and I've done most of the cleaning, brought in my new furniture, and the place look OK.  Sparse or spartan are good words for the decor now, and I realised that that was how I always had my home when I've lived by myself.

I does seem as if I have done most of the crying I'm going to do, at least for the present.  I have accepted that they are gone, that I will probably not see Darcy for some time, and that I now can get on with the process of healing that this time has started.

Quite a surprise, really!  I sort of feel a little disappointed; I was expecting to have lots of tears and gnashing of the teeth, etc., etc.  Of course the pain is present in my chest, but that never leaves me now.  I hope it will abate soon.

One thing that has helped immensely is that I have re-started to have conversations with God the way I used to before I came up here to be with Julie.  It is a great source of comfort and strength to feel His love around me.

I spoke with my sister, Kim, last night.  She has been a rock for me during this, and she said something very wise: "Short-term pain for long-term gain".  Which is exactly right.

Julie did leave some very beautiful professional photos she had done of Darcy (I paid for half of the cost).  So I have more photos to put up tomorrow.

This is the first day of the totality of being alone again after having so many dreams and plans.  I think perhaps the tears will come tomorrow.  I can feel them there, but I seem to have put a lid on them for now.  And I know there are still many more to come.  I've just given myself a holiday from them.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
I understand totally what you have been doing in your home. I do just the same sorts of things!
It's a sort of ritual cleansing, and also the feeling that you are doing something to help get your life back in some sort of order.
'Girding your loins' or something.
 
I think we all like our space.... how we like it, and we feel more settled and stronger, as well as a bit more relaxed when it is.
 
I feel you are making your home into your castle. It will protect and support you. That's how I feel about my living room. Life may be rocky, sad and chaotic, but somehow my room feels protective and nurturing......it's my nest. I call it my nest, and people visiting it say how peaceful it feels (despite the many tears shed there) and also despite its smallness and the amout of 'my' stuff I have around me. Very healing.
I hope you are feeling stronger and protected by your home.
 
How about a picture of your swans on the wall?
 
Make the most of that retreat.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

How about a picture of your swans on the wall?

What a wonderful thought.  I shall certainly do it.  I'll need some closer photos, so I'll have to spend some time waiting for the right moment. 

Today I have been like a bee in a bottle.  Couldn't sit still, wanted to DO SOMETHING about my situation.  Only there is nothing I can do.  Tried to talk to Julie again about changing her mind about letting me see Darcy, and it was worse than a waste of time.  Like talking to a brick wall , only one with teeth!! 

I am so looking forward to my retreat.  Just to find some peace and caring, and to do some work around the reasons why the whole thing with Julie happened (because all my adult life I have chosen partners who repeated one or more aspects of my father), and why it has affected me so badly (the emotional sensitivity to losing Darcy and to being called a child abuser).  And to move forward again in my journey of healing my life (I feel like I have been marking time with it for some time).

Oh, and to add joy to joy, I went to see an eye surgeon and I need cataract surgery on both eyes.  Ain't life full of little happinesses?

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

all my adult life I have chosen partners who repeated one or more aspects of my father

 
This is the key dear Joe. This is what your "entire adult life" has been about.......the understanding and healing of your relationship with your father.
 
"Lessons are repeated until they are learned"
 
I understand only too well how frustrating it is to need to do something and there being nothing one can do. At such times you can only work on yourself.
 
It's clear that contact with Julie is not a good idea at present......stop hoping it will be better next time. Accept this is how things are now. It won't be forever.
 
As for the cataracts, I know quite a few people now who have had them done, and have been thrilled with the result.
 
Try to find those "little happinesses" .....only for real.
 
With Love and Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe . . .
One thing to be grateful for
is the progress that has been made
in cataract surgery.
When my great aunt had it done
many years ago,
for a week after the surgery
she lay in a hospital bed
with sandbags weighting her head down
to keep it still . . .
a few years ago
my husband had the procedure . . .
in and out of the hospital
in a matter of a few hours!
You will be pleased and amazed,
I am sure.
 
My prayers go with you this weekend
as you go on retreat
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I gave myself a real scare today.  I started having really strong thoughts of harming myself, with the physical symptoms that I had when I had to get the ambulance.  I was not feeling as much pain as I have on occasion, and it almost felt calm, just this strong feeling as if part of myself was separated and was calmly telling me it was time to go.

I rang a telephone counselling service I have used a lot during this time, and as I talked it through with the counsellor the feelings were getting stronger.  Then he said "It's not a panic attack is it?" and it was! I've had those before, but never ones that felt like I was ready to sign off.  I really didn't like the way I felt quite calm and reasonable about taking my own life.  At least now I will know what to look for.

I just want a time of peace and quiet, to recover some strength.

This will probably be the last post for a week.  Thank you everyone for your love and support.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
 
I'll keep you in my prayers hoping this retreat will be of great help to you!
 
A candle is burning for you as well!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joe,
I'm just so glad you have good support and that you make use of it.
It's always good to know what is causing unpleasant feelings. Knowing what they are will help take away their power.
You are a valuable and useful member of the world in your own right Joe...remember that.
 
I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during the coming week.
 
with Love and Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Well, I'm back after my retreat, and I've decided that's not a good name for it.  There was no retreat, more a monumental amount of progress, and healing, and clearing out some of the s*** I have been carrying around inside for all of my life. I went with my situation with Darcy and Julie dominating my being, but aware that it keyed into stuff from the abuse I suffered as a child.  The anger and pain I was feeling when I arrived proved to be very good keys to unlock feelings and memories from my childhood, and for the very first time in my life I was able to release major portions of anger towards my dad and the other abusers.

The 'now' stuff was hard to cope with, but a large part of that was that it keyed directly into deeply held feelings and behaviours from my childhood (which is no so surprising if you think about it).  I found the place in my where the reasons why I have chosen the partners I have were, and did a huge spring clean (September is springtime her in Australia).  Many parts of myt life have been hidden from me because the memories were too awful to look at, until now, and it was the strength I had to find to cope with me current problems that allowed me to take some of them out and look at them.  It would not have been possible were it not for the carers at the retreat who are all very well trained, and do it voluntarily.

Every person there, guests and carers, are survivors of childhood abuse, and it was a joy to see that we were able to develop a sense of community and trust within a short time of being there.  The program also included working with our inner child (or more often, inner children, because abuse often results in a splintering of the child's personality).  I would greatly recommend to anyone that they do some work with their inner children.  It works for non-survivors as well.

And I finally came to the knowledge of what has been the reason I have had the disastrous relationships that i don't seem to have been able to avoid.  I knew that all my partners have had some of the characteristics of my dad, but now I have found the place in my heart which has been making it so.  And cleansed it and gave myself permission to feel worthy of being able to give and receive love which is gentle, respectful, strong, supportive, and equal.  It just took me 60 years to find out how!

I came across a song there which I have heard before, but never been able to identify.  Now I know it's How Can Anyone Ever Tell You which is such an inspiration for me.

So here I am, but it's not the me who left here a week ago.

I want you all to know how much I appreciate your love and support during my time in the abyss.  I do not think I would have survive4d without you there.

All my love goes out to you.

Now I'm standing tall, and looking life in the eye

Joe

Joe - welcome back!

"Out of the abyss", and a person changed for the better - what could be more joyful news! Thank you for sharing in detail what you have experienced. It is a joy reading your report, which can be of great value for anyone suffering from a situation similar to the one you were in and have fortunately gotten out of...

Abundant Blessings for starting a new chapter in the book of your life!

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe . . .
I am so happy to hear that your time away
has been so healing and enriching for you,
and I pray that what you have learned
will sustain you
as you return to 'normal' life . . .
bless you dear Joe.
Continue to stand tall,
and looking life in the eye
as you move forward with wisdom and grace.
A candle still burns for you
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joe,
Welcome back a new man! It sounds as though you will benefit from another 'retreat' at the same place at some time in the near future.
Yes, it sounds as if it was hard work, but worth it.
 
I'm so pleased you now feel you are moving forward.
 
Thank you for the song link. I think Xanadue or Sandra may have put it on before. It's just beautiful. While listening to it I spotted a video and song that my circle-dance group dances to. It feels like a prayer and we think it is supposed to be God speaking to us.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhu2B6r7ZSY&NR=1
 
With Love,
Jude
 
 
 
 

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
I, too, welcome you back! I am happy to hear that the time apart has been so very helpful to you, a new direction and a real energizer for your onward journey!
 
A candle continues to burn for you!
 
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

I can't believe how much time has passed since I last posted.  Today is a week since I came back from my healing retreat (I think it needs a different name; there was absolutely no retreat from battling the demons that have made my life a misery for 58 years.  The coordinator said I had done as much in the first three days as most people do in three weeks).

I had a bit of a down day today, first I've had since I got back.  Mostly about missing my little treasure.  Some about wanting to answer the burning question "WHY would someone who said they loved me, and who seemed to rely on me to help her get through each day, do what she did?"  And the realisation that that is no answer to it, except that she did.  Same as my dad did what he did.  I've been asking that question about him all my life.

My head knows the mechanics of Julie's mental illness, and where it came from.  It knows the mechanics of the abuse my dad suffered and then passed on to me.  The spiritual me understands that there is a never ending battle between the light and the dark, and my life has always been in the middle of it.

It's my heart that can't find peace with either how my dd was or how Julie has been.  I don't know that it ever will.  What I have at least been able to get to is a sense of equilibrium about them.  And I've got myself, with a huge amount of help from so many loving people, to being able to allow myself to not need an answer.  That's possibly the greatest treasure to come out of this time.  I look back on my life and see that I was continually trying to find the answer about my dad, and of course not finding it.  Un-peaceful, un-easy, un-comfortable, un-loving myself, un-able to give and receive love which was not an extension of the question.  Now I already have peace of not needing so badly to try and find the answer, and I think it will get easier as I allow the healing to continue.

I still haven't seen Darcy, and he's twelve weeks old on Monday.  I pray it will not be too much longer till i see him.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,

It is good to see you back again.  Your "retreat" sounds like it was an excellent fit.  Do you all have follow up meetings with the group and keep in contact?? A very close relative went to one here in the states (he was abused by a priest).  It was also for male victims of abuse and the results were similar to what you describe. 

The age old question of Why??? vs surrendering to "mystery."   It is good to hear that you have begun to come to peace with never "knowing" the logical answer to the "WHY" that we humans see always insistent on having before we are willing to at least attempt to move on and grow.  "It is what it is!"  The question I have control over is "What do I do with it?"
Congratulations on going on the retreat.  It is a very difficult, risky step to take but obviously was extremely helpful.  Candles continue for you 4Joe.  May you continue to be sustained as you journey forward in attempting to "change" the only one any of us can change--Ourselves.
Blessings on your weekend.  May you have the joy of holding your little one soon.

Dear Joe,
I echo everything that Betty has already said, including the question about follow-up sessions of your 'retreat' when you have processed all that you did there this time.
 
What you will be able to do is to stop the perpetuating of the abuse passing on to another generation, and another, and so on. It stops with you. Your father didn't have the tools or the knowledge to do it for himself, and for you.
 
The 'Why' question is a huge waste of energy, as I know only too well.
 
I do hope you will have some time with Darcy very soon.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
I can only second what Betty and Jude have already said!
 
You are on your way, but it takes lots of patience with yourself and everyone else!
I myself am getting some pretty challenging lessons in patience, especially since I am not so by nature!
 
A candle is burning for you!
 
Much love,
Edda
 

Peace and joy!

I too,
second Betty's wise words . . .
sometimes understanding the 'why's'
can only make you crazy,
and surrenduring to the mystery
is the only way to find peace.
The answers are not always for us to know . . .
at least not yet.
I do believe that all will be revealed,
but we must be patient,
and I believe that when we do finally see the big picture,
we will find
that most if not all of our mind's machinations
were all for nought,
and only sideline us from our purpose
and what we are truly here to learn.
Be well, dear Joe . . .
I hope too,
that you will be able to hold your dear Darcy in your arms
again soon . . .
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I've had a bad few days, since Friday.  Yesterday Darcy turned twelve weeks old.  On Friday afternoon I sent Julie a text asking to see him for that day.  She didn't reply until Saturday night, and then she said no.  It's now a month since I saw him.

I remember reading an article when I was a counsellor in which an early childhood psychologist said that during the first twelve months of a baby's life bonding could only take place if there was frequent contact between the baby and the parent.  Which means that Julie is deliberately trying to erase me from Darcy's mind.

Realsing this really put strain on my determination to hold out for unsupervised access, but I saw a new lawyer yesterday, and she was very supportive, unlike the first one who said I should just accept whatever Julie wanted.

So I have been bouncing around like a bee in a bottle since Friday.  Very frustrated, and nowhere safe to let it out.

Did I say I can not get my head around how a person I cared for for almost two years could turn into such a monster?  My head knows the mechanics of DID, how it happens and what it does, but my heart simply cannot accept the reality of being treated like this.

Funny thing is when I was feeling really down I could write music, and it helped a lot.  Now I can't concentrate for long enough.  And the thoughts go round and round and never achieve anything.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Maybe it'll get better tomorrow.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
I'm glad you have a better lawyer now. It seem odd that the first one said what she did, and makes me wonder if she took Julie's frame of mind into account.
 
There is no reason why you can't see Darcy.
 
Blessings of patience and peace of mind,
Jude

Love is the only way