Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

Try sitting with your music
dear Joe . . .
free associate
and perhaps something will rise to the surface.
Also,
you might try another art, like painting
the same way.
I believe the arts are connected
and when you feel blocked in one aspect
another might open up.
I pray that this new lawyer
might be of more help than the last
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

My last post ended up a mess.  I don't know if it was at my end or at the server.  Hope this one is better.

I'm not sure why, but today I've been back almost to the darkest days.  Not as severe, but the pain, and negative thoughts.  I took an extra dose of my medication, which has helped some.

I never used to take this sort of medication.  I thought it was being weak, and I guess to an extent I still do.  I hate having to take chemicals just to cope with daily life.  Still, without them I probably wouldn't be here.  Only I can't see an end to needing them, because I can't see an end to what's been happening.

I've tried going back to the meditation I used to do, but it wasn't very successful.  Maybe hypnotherapy.  I Just know I need to find something to restore the balance in my life.  I know it's still early in the process, but I'm beginning to dread waking up in the morning.  And the rest of the day.

Pretty awful place to be, where I am right now.  I've got my 60th birthday coming up next month.  I've always hated birthdays because my dad started his sexual abuse on my second birthday, and escalated it on my third, fourth and fifth birthdays.  Happy birthday from from dad.  The 60th is supposed to be when you officially enter the 'older' age group.  Right now I feel about 146.

Maybe I'll get an unexpected present of some happiness from someone.  Then It would be a birthday worth having.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Maybe I'll get an unexpected present of some happiness from someone. Then It would be a birthday worth having.

 
Dear Joe,
 I wish this for you with all my heart.
 
Don't beat yourself up over taking medication. Sometimes it is needed.
 
Someone once said to me, "If you can't meditate...pray."
 
Personally I find music focuses me in mediation. I've got the famous "Eternal Om" Cd which I either have playing quietly so I can meditate or pray, or louder so I can join in the chant. As you find singing helpful, the chanting might be good for you.
This Cd has been very helpful for calming me and allowing insights to surface.
Without the focus, my mind tends to jump all over the place and I end up feeling tense instead of relaxed.
 
With Love and Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Maybe I'll get an unexpected present of some happiness from someone. Then It would be a birthday worth having.

Dear Joe . . .
There are unexpected presents everywhere
if we just open our eyes.
Happy Birthday!
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Again I haven't posted for a few days.  I have been busy working through to a totally new understanding of how the situation with Julie came about.  I guess I had given myself some space free of the constant self-bombardment of thoughts about how awful it all was.

I won't go into details, but it goes like this:

The actual intervention by the child welfare workers on 9 July was first thing in the morning, and it was well organised.  Which means that Julie had to have talked with the person who made the report, and with the welfare people at least 24 hours before that.  Which means that in all likelihood Julie and the workers had discussed how to make it as complete as possible, so there would be no way I could do anything about it.

Which speaks of a consultative process, maybe even a conspiracy. 

So then I added the fact that since she left me Julie has been asymptomatic of the severe mental illness for which she has been treated for eight or so years.  She switched it off. Which means that it never existed in the first place, because you can not just switch off a major mental illness like that.  Which means that all the time I have lived with her she has been acting a part.  Along the lines of Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest".

So there was never really 'my Julie', and I can stop waiting for her to come back. 

The most amazing thing about this is that it has left me feeling more at peace than I have felt for a long time.  There are still strong feelings there, but they aren't making me run in circles the way they were. 

Feels a bit strange, though, to realise that I've spent two years living with and loving someone who was simply an act.
I'm not sure where that goes, I haven't got to looking at that yet.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

So there was never really 'my Julie', and I can stop waiting for her to come back.

 
Dear Joe,
this is a huge step forward for you. I have to say though, that to do what she has been doing and is still doing, is not the actions of a completely 'well' person.
 
But to free yourself from all the wondering, means you are now free to put your energies into what ever is important.
 
I keep the candles lit.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe . . .
I too,
keep a candle burning for you
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I have to say though, that to do what she has been doing and is still doing, is not the actions of a completely 'well' person.

Absolutely right, but it's an unwellness which has choice and thought, and an ability to make reasoned choices rather that one which makes decision making difficult.  A sickness of the spirit, not just of the mind.

I had a bad evening yesterday.  The pain of missing Darcy was back in all its dark glory.  He turns three months old today (calendar months).  There is only silence now from his mother, which I'm finding harder to take that when there was verbal abuse.  Our feelings are strange, aren't they.  Not so long age I was asking for some peace and quiet, and now I have them I'm asking for some noise.

But it's all about feeling totally cut off from my beautiful little boy.  Julie sent me an email to give me just a little information about Darcy, so I know he weighs 5.92kg (not sure what that is in pounds and ounces), and in the same email abused me for not leaving her and Darcy alone.

So I start another week of waiting.  Perhaps I'll hear about the mediation conference which has been about to occur for a month now.  Of course I don't really expect she will keep to any agreement we come to, but at least there will be a sense of progress.

I know this journey has just begun, and it will not get any easier.  I think I can rule out a miraculous change of heart on Julie's part, but you never know.

Thank you all for your support through this.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
 
Know that you are in my prayers! Yes, our feelings don't follow any logic! And our needs may change from day to day!
 
Darcy weighs now 13 lb. Just multiply the weight in kg by 2.2 and you get the weight in pounds.
 
A candle is burning for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joe,
 
Yes, that is how we are. Irritating news being better than no news!
 
Do keep a record of all the unpleasantness. You never know when it might be useful. Julie may show a different face to authorities.
 
I keep a candle lit for all of you
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

. . . a candle burns
praying for a miracle,
dear Joe
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Darcy weighs now 13 lb. Just multiply the weight in kg by 2.2 and you get the weight in pounds.

That's good.  I used to be able to do all that sort of calculation in my head.  When I went to school it was required knowledge.  I guess I should make some allowances for an old man.

I have some good news!  The mediation conference is schedules for 8 Oct. 2 days before my 60th birthday.  Now wouldn't that be some birthday gift, to see my son after all this time.  (I realised that I make it sound like it's years, when there are lots of parents who don't see their children for years).

Apart from that I'm trying not to allow the frustration boil over.  Best to keep quiet, and hope Julie can find a conscience in the next 10 days.  May it be so.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

(I realised that I make it sound like it's years, when there are lots of parents who don't see their children for years).

 
At this stage a month is a long time as babyhood is so short, so I understand what you mean. After seeing my Granddaughter at 1 week and then at 5 months of age, I then didn't see her for 4 years.
 
I will keep the candles lit for a good outcome.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

I will keep the candles lit for a good outcome.

It is becoming harder for me to keep up the fight.  I have a mediation conference coming up on Thursday, and I have now been informed that the child welfare department will be intervening in it, after saying they would not.  This is because I appealed their decision in declaring me a danger to Darcy's welfare.  I should have simply accepted that they had all the power, and to fight for justice was the put my head in the noose.

  This means that in all likelihood I will have no power in the proceedings.  I am now sure that Julie and the welfare department mean to ensure that I never see Darcy again, at least not until he is old enough to make his own decisions about finding out who his dad is.  At the absolute best, it will be at least a year before I can take it to the Family Court, because of the backlog of cases they have.

The darkness is closing in around me again, and the light of hope is very dim.  The determination to stick it out is still there, but now it comes with the fight to keep my head above water. 

Perhaps it become easier as time goes on, not seeing him.  And perhaps the rage and desire to hurt Julie will subside with time.  I hope so.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Dear Joe,
I think the important thing here for you is to keep up regular contact with counsellors/therapists who are supportive of you and can help you keep your head. Calmness and patience really are the key, and a certain amount of acceptance of 'this is how it is NOW.' Accepting how it is now is not giving in. It gives you some of your power back. Anger towards Julie, and wanting revenge is just giving your power away to her.
 
When suspicious people see an angry man, it justifies their misguided feelings about you.
 
Don't give up.
 
I will keep a candle lit
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
I want to second what Jude wrote! Accepting what is, is not giving up!
Perhaps the mediation meeting will turn out better than you expect!
 
Keeping you in my prayers and a candle lit,
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Accepting how it is now is not giving in.

I had the same advice from my sister Kim a little while ago.  She had been such a rock for me to hold onto through this, and has been able to allow me my feelings without doing what she used to do which was to try and 'fix' everything.

I'm feeling a bit lighter today, not so bowed down, and it certainly helped talking to Kim

And I surprised both of us by doing something that has never been a part of our relationship.  I told her I loved her!  It's one of those things that you know you should do something about, but you never do.  Well now I have.

While I was talking to Kim, I also got something that I'd forgotten for a some time.  I was given an understanding of my life about three years ago in which I was shown that everything that has happened to me has had a higher purpose, and that I had been given enough strength to come through it all.  For some time that was one of the foundations of my faith, and it served me well in coping with what I faced.  So now I have it back in my consciousness, and I will be able to accept and cope better with this journey that seems to have so many bloody great holes in the path for me to fall into.

I'm reminded of something Kim talked about a while ago.  She quoted someone as saying the following:

Life is like a road.  It has a damn big hole in the middle, and to start with you walk along the road, don't see the hole and fall straight to the bottom.
The next time you walk down the road you see the hole, and fall straight to the bottom.
The next time you see the hole, and you try to go around it but still fall in, only not so far.
The next time you see the hole, you go around it, but fall in on your way back.
The next time you take a different road which doesn't have the hole.
Then finally you realise that in fact you have been able to fly all along, but didn't trust your wings.  Now there are no more holes at all, and you shake hands with the angels.

Or to quote Charlie Chapman, someone sliding on a banana skin is amusing.  What's really funny is when they step over the skin, and then fall in a hole.

I guess the message I'm getting is that you have to fall into holes to become whole.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

Talking about flying, I just found this song.

Open Your Eyes - Lizz Wright

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

This is very similar, but I think I like the end with flying best!
 
 
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN 5 SHORT CHAPTERS
 
By Portia Nelson
 
 
CHAPTER ONE  
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, but I don’t see it.
I fall in. I’m lost, I feel helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.
 
CHAPTER TWO
 
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe that I am in that same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
 
CHAPTER THREE
 
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
This time I see it, but I fall in.
It’s a habit. But this time my eyes are opened.
I know where I am.
It’s my fault.
I get out immediately.
 
CHAPTER FOUR
 
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk round it.
 
CHAPTER FIVE
 
I walk down another street.

Love is the only way

Lyrics to Open Your Eyes, You Can Fly :
Never be afraid to love
Never be afraid to just be
Catch the way & change the doubt
Have a courage to be free
Don?t gaud your eyes with others lies
See only what You wanna? see
Duplicate the simple truth
Have a courage to be free

Open Your eyes, you can fly
Open Your eyes, you can fly
You can fly
You can fly

Never be afraid to love
Never be afraid to just be
Catch the way & change the doubt
Have a courage to be free
Don?t gaud your eyes with others lies
See only what You want to see
Just duplicate the simple truth
And have a courage to be free

Open Your eyes, you can fly
Open Your eyes, you can fly
You can fly
You can fly

Oooooo, mhmmm hey eh he

Open Your eyes, you can fly
Open Your eyes, you can fly
You can fly ,yeah
You can fly ,yeah

Oh ooo yeaaaaaaah
Oh ooo yeaaaaaaah

Never be afraid to love
Oh ooooo

Love is the only way