Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

Dear Joe . . .
It is amazing, isn't it,
that the sisters and brothers we quarreled with as children
can become best friends
later in life?
Proof of miracles in itself!
Hoping that you are feeling lighter today,
my thoughts and prayers are with you
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Joe,  I have been away for a while, but of course I am interested in how you are doing! Hopefully you are still standing - whatever happens!

Wishing you strength,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Hopefully you are still standing - whatever happens!

No I'm not .  I have no more strength to keep fighting.

There was to be a mediation conference on Thursday, to try to reach an agreement about access, but I found out that the child welfare manager who dismantled me a month after Julie left me had decided she would be there, and that I had no choice in the matter.  I know she would support Julie in asking for access to be supervised, and for it to be in a particular setting which has a four to six months waiting list.  And last night I realised I was absolutely terrified of that person.

I would have had no power at all to even express my wishes in the mediation, and Darcy would be a year old before I saw him, and every access would be scrutinised to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.  I had to call an ambulance to take me to the psych ER, and while I was waiting I decided I was not going to keep being treated like a criminal or a monster.  I called Julie and told her I would not be seeking any access to Darcy until she was prepared to let me see my son as a dad should.

One day, if she doesn't change her opinion, my son will be old enough to want to know who his dad is.  I will get a call or a knock on my door, and he'll say "Hi Dad".  And my heart and arms and home will be open for him to learn about love that is respectful and giving and strong, not the distorted grasping that she will show him.

Now I can grieve properly for the family Darcy and I would have been.  I have been crying all day, but they are tears that heal, not the tears of agony like I was having.

______________________________________

Not standing, just lying down for a rest

Joe

And last night I realised I was absolutely terrified of that person.

 
Dear Joe,
My heart is with you at this moment and I can almost feel what you are feeling. To give up the fight is not the same as giving up...you know that already, and I know you won't give up.
 
Now you need to look after yourself. Stay healthy, fit and strong for your Son, and for yourself. You are right...Darcy will want to know about his Dad.
 
Sometimes, letting go of a particular outcome allows things to move forward. Not fighting with Julie might just have a softening effect on her. I hope so.
 
Letting go of the hate and the resentment and the terrible disappointment, allows Love and compassion and understanding to come in.
 
Don't fear anyone that much dear Joe.....you give them your power.
 
I grieve with you and put you in the Light,
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,

I am crying with you. Rest and let yourself be carried, until you can stand again. You will.

You are in my prayer.
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe . . .
What Jude has said is so very true.

"Letting go of the hate and resentment and the terrible disappointment, allows Love and comassion and understanding to come in."

I pray for healing to occur
for you,
and for Julie,
that Darcy not be torn to pieces
by this conflict.
We must remember the precious, innocent life
that is caught in the middle
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I thought that clearing away the expectations and stopping trying to fight an enemy I couldn't see would allow things to settle for me, but perhaps what I have done is to take down the walls that I was holding all my feelings behind.  I have been crying all day, deep sobbing.  I'm sure that it is that I have finally accepted that I will not see Darcy for at least a year if I take it to the Family Court, for god knows how long if I have to just wait for him to seek me out.

I keep coming up against the question "WHY????????".

Until about four years ago I lived my life in fear and darkness.  In the years of healing I have been to hell and back many times as I dragged all the poison that my dad left in me out and let it go, all the memories, all the feelings, and was just starting to feel like I could at last touch the light.  Now the dark is back, stronger, deeper than ever. 

When will I have some peace, some happiness?  Why give me a gift of a son I did not expect if only to take him away again?

And now I can't even think of finding the final peace, which used to reassure me in an upside down sort of way.  I have made a commitment to Darcy, to myself and to God not to even contemplate taking that path.  All I can do s sit in the agony, without any idea of when I will see my son again, having to start my life over.  I can't do a geographical either, because I must be here when he comes.

Joe

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe

I keep coming up against the question "WHY????????".

I don't know why,
dear, dear Joe,
but I pray that the days ahead
unfold with grace and wisdom.
It is not given to us
to understand everything . . .
I am beginning to believe
that the important thing
is to be with what is . . .
and the 'answer',
though not what we expect it to be
lies within.
The 'answer' comes through letting go,
not through dissection and dissemination.
It is what it is . . .
can you be with that for now?
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joe,
 
I agree with all Sparrow says. Often there are no answers....at least for now.
 
The secret to moving forward is to let go of needing to know. I have asked that very question that you ask.....why was I given this gift if I can't have it? After 9 years I have made the decision to let go of needing an answer. I haven't lost the gift altogether, at least not yet, but I have accepted it as it stands now. I am the only person I have any influence over, so I have to change my perspective.
 
Try not to see only the bleakest outcome. Don't dwell on the bleakest outcome. See every day as a day nearer to seeing Darcy and for sanity to prevail over this sad affair.
 
Also, it strikes me that now the walls are down you are REALLY grieving for your damaged child.,,You
 
Sending Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,

It is your 60th birthday, and I´d like to send you a special Blessing. It is by John O´Donohue, an Irish poet, philosopher and Catholic scholar, who you may know. He died at age 52 a few years ago. In his writings he always draws on his Celtic heritage, also in his CD adaptation "To Bless the Space Between Us. A Collection of Invocations and Blessings", from which I have transcribed the following.

" Suffering is deep pain in the Soul, and when we enter a time of suffering, we need to lie low and shelter. The Celtic people really had a great sense of this. When the storm rages the place to be is to lie close to the wall of shelter... In a time of suffering you really need to mind yourself. I always loved that Rilke used to say that in complex times that are really turbulent you should learn to stay close to one simple thing in nature."

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
 
Blessings to you on your 60. birthday!
 
I pray for you that you may be richly gifted with strength, wisdom, hope and new joy!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

May the grace of time heal your wounds

Dear Juliana,

There are wounds and there are WOUNDS.  My life has been ruled by the latter, so that I have had many of the former. 

My present situation is inflicting WOUNDS more damaging that even what my father did to me.  I am closer to a complete breakdown than I have ever been before.  Ironically, the reason I have survived till now, both from what is happening now, and the whole of the rest of my life, is that as a two/three/four year old I learnt to survive monstrous pain and fear and loneliness.

The other aspect of me that has both kept me going, and caused many of the wounds I've had throughout my life is that I am the archetypal (?) "Innocent", rather than the "orphan".  Now, however, I am at the end of being able to be at all optimistic or even hopeful.  It is simply my bloody-minded refusal to be beaten by bullies that is keeping me going.

Please don't get me wrong.  I am not at all thinking of ending my life.  I made a promise to Darcy on my birthday last Saturday that I would keep going, and that one day we would have a big party to celebrate all the birthdays and christmasses and fathers' days we missed, and I will keep that promise.  I just need to find a source of strength to borrow from.  At the moment I don't feel I am able to reach out God, and until I have been given an explanation of why this has happened the way it has, that's how I will stay.

Anyway, on another topic, I am going this afternoon to have a cataract removed from my left eye.  So I am looking forward to being able to see properly.  The other eye will need doing in the next year, but one at a time is ok.

Thank you all for your prayers and candles and wishes.  They are going to be just as important in the future as they have been in the past.

__________________________________________________

Not Standing, Just Lying Down For A Rest

Dear Joe,
 
I am sorry you find yourself in such a painful situation that pushes you to the limit.
You asked, "Why"! As Sparrow and Jude have already said, there may be no answer, at least not now. You are spending so much of your energy on this question and it doesn't really help. The Serenity Prayers has been posted more than once in these forums, it is one I find very helpful. It is good to be reminded to ask for the courage to change what we can, the grace to accept what we can't change, and, most important, to pray for  the wisdom to know the difference.
 
I keep a candle burning for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joe,
 
There is very little I can add to what Edda has already said, and I too am sorry that you are in such a painful place.
 
The only thing I will say is that your feeling of "breakdown" will be a 'breakthrough.'  It's hard to endure I know,  and I sincerely hope you will not be in that place long.
Some would say that having the cataracts symbolically means there is something you don't wish to see......just maybe, having them removed will allow you to look at and 'see' that thing clearly, so it can be healed and transformed.
 
Candles are lit for you.
 
With Love and Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Well, I am back home after my cataract operation, and it was nice and restful to have something different to think about.  Somehow it has given me a different mood, possibly because it was so quick and easy.  All over and done in half an hour!  I won't know till tomorrow if it successful, and at the moment I look like a pirate, but the surgeon did seven ops in two hours!  And the nurse told me he has a 99% success rate!  I may actually be able to see well!

I'm also listening a lot to music sung by Lizz Wright, and the feelings I'm getting are very happy and positive.  I can't believe I hadn't heard of her before.  She has the sort of style that makes you believe she's sibnging just for you.  And the music style is very bluesy, which always cheers me up.

Plus I had the afternoon with my treasure of a sister, Kim, and I was able to give a hug (we never hugged in our family).  And, by my request, we talked about lots of things, but not about my situation with Julie and Darcy.  So I had a break from it.

So pretty much a GOOD day.  Which is a huge blessing.

Love and beauty

______________________________________

Not standing up yet, but rather on my knees, which is a cool place if it is from faith, not giving in.

Joe

Dear Joe,
I'm so glad to hear about your little oasis of calm you have just had. What a Blessing!
 
Coincidentally, Sparrow and I were only yesterday talking of the transformative powers of music!
 
Music is so obviously one of the ways forward for you.
 
Wishing you wonderful sight when the bandages are removed!
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe . . .
I'm sorry to hear that your days have been so painful,
but happy
that you have had respite . . .

Coincidentally, Sparrow and I were only yesterday talking of the transformative powers of music!

'tis true, 'tis true,
and cannot be said enough.
 
I pray that you continue to heal,
body and soul
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

The age of miracles is not dead!  I've just had a phone call from Julie offering me some time with Darcy on Saturday!!!!!!!

I had to be very quiet at a couple of points when she said things I objected to, but mostly it was civil. 

So we shall see what happens.

I'm seeing a specialist trauma counsellor next week, because I realised the last time I was up at the hospital that I have been traumatised by this period worse than I was by my dad.  I'm hoping that it will be relatively easy to deal with because it is so recent.

On the topic of my eyesight, it's now back to where it was several years ago before my eyes started to deteriorate.  It amazing to be able to thread a needle again (haven't done that in about five years).

There's this quirky feeling/state that I get into at the moment where I have an enormous heaviness about Darcy, but feel quite comfortable with how my life's going.  I never knew one could be such different people at the same time.


_____________________________________________

Not standing, just sitting down for a rest

Joe

I never knew one could be such different people at the same time.

 
Dear Joe,
I know exactly what you mean by this! I suspect you will be feeling this odd feeling a lot for the moment. It does feel strange, but it's an attempt by your mind to heal itself.
 
I'm glad you are seeing a specialist trauma counsellor. Past trauma never relly leaves us, so this new period in your life is being added to the effects of the old.
 
I hope and pray for the meeting with Darcy to go ahead peacefully.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

it's an attempt by your mind to heal itself

I feel this so much.  I have always had an enormous admiration for the human mind (that is all the person, not just the brain) And I can almost feel the process happening.  I think I said somewhere before that because it's so recent, I may well be able to heal quickly from this trauma, and repair some old damage along the way.

I have done some thinking about Julie's offer of access, and I am certainly going to take up the offer, but I'm sure there's more to it she's not telling me.  A person like her does not make offers like that out of altruism.  I am also getting myself prepared in case it turns ugly, which is quite possible.  I shall definitely enjoy my time with my son if it turns out, but as my granddad used to say "hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

One thing Julie said on the phone last night is worrying me.  She said that Darcy is very shy of strangers, and even gets upset if she has a towel wrapped around her head.  This is not a good sign in a three-month-old.  It means he's learnt that the world is a frightening place.  Attachment theory would say he does not have a secure attachment to Julie.

Anyway I'll see how he is with me tomorrow.

Seems kind of unreal, after all this time.

_____________________________________
I'm still standing
Joe