Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

This is my first post in this thread.  In the last three days I have been through the closest thing to being in Hell that I ever want to experience.  I am making a commitment to healing, and to coming out of this a better person that when I was dragged in.

Twice in the last three days I have presented myself to the emergency department of the local hospital because of an almost overwhelming desire to be free from the pain I have been feeling.  They are still there now as I write this, and I am having to fight an hour-by-hour battle not to stop the pain in the only way I can see at the moment.  This is the worst pain I have felt in a lifetime of pain, and it reaches into my very soul.  I find myself asking "What great wrong did I do that I should suffer thus?" 

From my earliest time I can remember there being pain.  Some of it has been pain of my body, like when I broke my back, and I can always find a cause for that, and always find a way to not let it rule me.  Physical pain is easy.  It comes as a result of some definable cause.

Pain in my heart and spirit has been part of my life since childhood.  That too I have overcome, because I can remember at the age of seven lying on my bed and making the decision to continue to live, despite the crushing realisation that the darkness I saw around me was because of my feeling so hopeless.

In the 53 years since then I can not remember a period of three months when that pain has not been there in one form or another, and I would remember that because it would have been so special.  I thought until the last few days that I knew all there was to know about this pain.  But now I found that all that has come before has really only been a curtain-opener for now.  This pain leaves no part of me untouched.  It leaves me no room for a real belief that things will improve.  It feels as if this pain will always be there at its current intensity and reach, or it will get worse.

I can not know where this pain will take me.  If it eases I will be able to spend some time processing it and the circumstances behind it.  For now I am holding onto an unreasoning faith that it will indeed improve.

I am going to make this thread be a sort of journal of the journey I go through.  It will give me a place to simply offload my feelings, and a place to go to when I feel there is no hope left.  Please respond as you feel inclined.  Share your own journeys of healing, and then I will feel a little less alone. 

Thank you my friends

Joe

For now I am holding onto an unreasoning faith that it will indeed improve.

 
Do please hang to that faith Joe. I cannot say I have suffered to the degree you are now suffering, but I do understand unbearable emotional pain, where there is nowhere to go to get away from it.
 
I can tell you, and others here will too, that it will ease. It will change. At some point, something in you changes.
 
The important thing is to hang on to HOPE. I know right now you feel there is none, but there is always hope.
 
Find one very small goal to keep in your mind and work towards. Keep it uppermost in your mind and don't let negative self-talk put you off the track.
 
For myself I find that having a small area in my home dedicated to the sacred (your belief or none, it can still be a sacred space) where I light candles and place other little personal things including angel and affirmation cards. What ever you feel drawn to. Maybe playing special peaceful music while you light the candles and dedicate them to your goal and to your needs, and those of others in your heart.
Place yourself, Darcy and Julie in the light, or in the care of angels...what ever is meaningful to you.
This keeps you focussed and gives you a sense that you are doing something positive towards your goal and for those you love, as well as for yourself.
 
Sending you Blessings and Love. You will find the strength. Keep asking.
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
I have been reflecting on how to respond to your post. First, I am glad you can put into words what you are feeling. Then I wondered what the nature of your pain is. It seems to me that in addition to the pain you know you are grieving the loss of the loving companionship you had been enjoying, the loss of the family life you hoped for, and the loss of watching your son grow up day by day. Such grief is real and deep, nothing you'll get over, but something you can work through. From the bottom there is only one way to go, up! Hold on to hope against hope! It takes time! And as we told you in your previous thread, be gentle with yourself!
 
Do keep coming back here as you have planned. It is good to have a safe place where you can share your feelings. And know you are not alone!
 
I am keeping you in my prayers, and a candle lit,
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Empathizing with you and your pain, Joe, I can say one thing for sure: You are not alone! The speed at which a post or email travels across space is a symbol for me of how fast Spirit´s healing power, prayer, thoughts, and Blessings can reach you. And they will. Where there is life, there is change. I am going to light a candle for you now, entrusting you to the God I believe in, God, who is eternal Love.

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Joe
 
What you call Hell I call the abyss. I used to call it the Abyss but I have since realized I am bigger than it is. Perhaps you can see Hell as hell someday soon. I have been in the abyss several times and I can always sense it lurking in the corner of my mind. But I take a lesson from Nietzsche who said "Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.". And I have come to recognize the lure of the abyss and like Ulysses I turn a deaf eye and deaf ear to the siren most of the time. And it is because of these experiences that I have adopted Djuna Barnes quote as a lifeline when the siren prevails : "The unendurable is the beginning of the curve of joy.".
 
I have mentioned in a previous post that one is ultimately responsible for pulling oneself out of the abyss though sincere assistance can perhaps be that which makes the seemingly impossible possible. And you have much sincere assistance offered to you on this forum.
 
I will offer you one more thing. It is the spiritual autobiography (my label) of Krishnamurti when he abandoned the mantle of the next great Spiritual Master and followed his own star. One can only imagine the courage it took to do that and the severe enmity he received as a result from all of his previous mentors and associates. You will certainly identify with him as he wanders the wilderness alone and with no hope. But there is eventual redemption as there is for us all. Perhaps synchronously it is entitled "From Darkness to Light".
 
http://www.jkrishnamurt...amp;chid=274&w=works
 
Alchemist

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that Self may prove to be.
~ May Sarton

Dear, dear Joe . . .
You may be in the darkness now,
in the abyss,
but if you are there,
what Alchemist says
is surely true . . .

"The unendurable is the beginning of the curve of joy."

 
Please know Joe,
that although it might feel like it,
you are not alone . . .
the abyss is a part of our human condition,
and it carries many gifts hidden within its darkness.
Know that you are held gently in prayer by love,
and by the support of those who care for you,
for you are indeed cared for,
and indeed loved . . .
even if you cannot feel it in the dark night.
Just as you know the floor is under your feet
even if you cannot see it in a dark room,
so is love
all around you . . .
always.
A broken heart is an open heart, dear Joe,
and miracles occur within an open heart
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Please know Joe, that although it might feel like it, you are not alone . . .

Here it is the evening of the second day of my journey, and I have received four gifts of hope, apart from all your beautiful love and support.

The first was from my sister, Kim, who I love dearly, even though she insists on treating me as she did when I was thirteen and she fifteen.  She has been my rock during these times.  I told her of the dark and ugly thoughts I could not shake loose, and she sent me information about something called the Sedona Method, which is a deceptively simple process to let go of thought patterns you don't want any more.  I put it to the ultimate test with the thoughts I was having, and it has allowed me some peace of mind and spirit for the first time in weeks.  I was able to report to Kim that her little brother was going to be around for a while yet.  I am indeed blessed with her love, and her "Stop being silly, and try this."

The second was this afternoon.  Julie had asked if she could come to the house to get something she needed (all her stuff is still here because she has been living in a refuge.  I arranged to be out when she said she was going to be here, but when I returned she and Darcy were still here.  So I got to hold my precious son for about half an hour.  He has apparently been very unsettled and hard to get to sleep, but when I took him in my arms, he looked at me with his now gray eyes, and promptly went to sleep.  I was able to be courteous to Julie, and she to her credit did not make a fuss.  He has grown so much, his face has a distinct character, and there is so much strength behind his eyes.

The third was this evening as I drove to my weekly singing with a choir.  There is a wetlands on the way, and it has been the home of a pair of swans for the two years I have been here.  I watched them raise six cygnets over the summer, and saw some of them take flight for the first time.  Today I saw the parents with a new brood of six little balls of fluff (old enough to be swimming).  It gave such a feeling of joy to see them.  I took it to mean that the path for me is no longer downwards.

The final was at the singing.  Each week a member of the choir is asked to choose a song to finish the evening off, and tonight it was "You'll never walk alone"!!!  I was crying by the time we finished, the feeling that this was a message for me of God's love for me, and of being in His hands. 

There is indeed a Light in the darkness.  I don't believe the journey is going to be an easy one, nor do I believe there will not be dark places I must go.  But I no longer have the aching sense of being so alone.  It is my journey, and He will not carry me through it, nor would I want Him to.  But there is a Hand there, to hold in the darkest times.

The abyss is not terrible because it is so dark or deep, it is terrible because it is so empty, so silent, so devoid of life.  Today I have been given the gift of life to fill a very little of the abyss.  And it is not quite so empty or silent.

So ends my report for Day 2 of my journey.

With Love
Joe

Dear Joe, although I haven't responded to your posts, candles have continued on your candle site "4Joe".  I am so very pleased to read your post and the changes that are occurring, especially your sister's suggestion about the Sedona Method.  There are so many out there that have started research in energy based psychology.  Many are an off shoot of EMDR which was one of the earliest ones.  It is at the point now where there is the ACEP (Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology).  While at Mattli in Switzerland, I learned about one aspect that is doing much in this regard both on an individual basis and in working with PTSD patients.
They are now doing a research study with PTSD sufferers from both the Iraq war and the war in Afghanistan.  My first exposure to EMDR (which was energy based and which uses a tapping process and has done enough research that it is now accepted by the medical profession) was in the very early 90's when it was being used for PTSD sufferers from Nam and for rape victims.  The results that Energy Based Psychology have achieved are remarkable.  I am so pleased it is giving you some relief.  Many of the true researchers in this field offer their materials for free. They are more interested in the healing of humanity than making a profit.  There is not much written about it in this country because of the tremendous amounts of money made in the Counseling professions.  Many using Energy Based Psychology have achieved remarkable results.     Here in this country, it is strongly questioned because individuals in therapy for years and years and years, have never achieved these results.

You know you are held in prayer.  Blessings on your personal work. The only person we ever can really change in life is ourselves.

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

He has apparently been very unsettled and hard to get to sleep, but when I took him in my arms, he looked at me with his now gray eyes, and promptly went to sleep.

 
What a wonderful gift!
 
WOW 4 gifts even! Joe, I am very pleased to hear of these positive messages coming your way.
 
The swan is a very special bird, and birds generally are great messengers for us. As you know, the eagle and buzzard are very special to me. Buzzards share my environment and uplift me most days with their beauty and spirit. They seem to come when I'm most in need.
 
I am very glad you have found something to help you, and some messages of upliftment.
 
You see....there is always HOPE.
 
Below is a description of Swan energy. I think it suits you.
 
The Swan
Graceful elegant birds the swan seems to glide through the water leaving hardly a ripple behind.  Its persuasive beauty reminds us to move gently through the currents of life and not battle them.
Swans are one of the fastest fliers. During migration they fly in V formations at great heights.  Their wing beats are slow but steady.  This gives them the endurance needed to reach their destination quickly without tiring.  Those with this totem have the same abilities and should observe, then apply, the movements of swan when pursuing goals.
The swans large wings embrace the sky collecting and storing knowledge from the heavens. Their white plumage reminds us of the wonder and innocence found in the purity of spirit. Their long slender necks serve as a bridge between the mundane and the extraordinary.  Upon this bridge lies the wisdom for spiritual realization.
The swan mates for life. Courtship involves mutual bill dipping or head-to-head posturing.  They are committed devoted partners.  In personal relationships humans make commitments they cannot keep. By applying swans skills in our life we begin to honor what we have chosen. This in itself is a powerful lesson for those who hold this medicine. Honoring commitments increase ones personal integrity.
While feeding, swans do not dive into the water like other birds.  They skim its surface dipping themselves in and out.  In man, water is associated with the feminine principal of intuition and emotion. By following the lead of the swan we learn how to view our emotions without getting trapped by them. Our intuition helps us understand our feelings and the swan helps us process them efficiently.
Swans are sociable birds with a long life span.  They live about 20 years in the wild and 50 years or more in captivity. The swan is a totem that teaches us grace through movement and longevity through inner knowledge.  When we look upon the swan it invokes a feeling of tranquility in us and reminds us to experience the beauty and magic of life.
 
 
 
 

Love is the only way

The abyss is not terrible because it is so dark or deep, it is terrible because it is so empty, so silent, so devoid of life. Today I have been given the gift of life to fill a very little of the abyss. And it is not quite so empty or silent.

What good news, Joe! Thank you for letting us know of the Blessings you have received. The song chosen to let you know you are not alone is a nice synchronicity. A first candle of thanks is due, I think... Hopefully more will follow...

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Joe,
 
Thank you for sharing with us these glimpses of light and hope in the darkness of the abyss of which you spoke only a day ago. I am grateful with you!
 
Wishing you more signs of hope,
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Talking of swans.

Today I went to see my counsellor, a psychologist with a great knowledge about how life can be for survivors of child abuse, and a beautiful heart.  She uses music as a therapeutic tool, and today, being our first session since my journet into darkness, when I told her how alone and sad I was, she played a piece of music which has always evoked for me the essence of solitude and loneliness - Jean Sibelius' Swan of Tuenella. http://www.myspace.com/jsibelius  It was good to allow myself floods of tears without also feeling that I was going to be lost forever in the sadness.  Together we unpacked a little of the horror of my last few days, and I saw very clearly how close I came to giving up.  My one wish and prayer right now is never to go to that place again.

I had a sleep this afternoon, and when I woke up I realised that I was still listening for the sound of Julie's voice.  I am unconsciously waiting for her to say "I'm sorry, I have been wrong", and for us to start again.  But I know beyond any hope that there is never going to be an "us" again.  Even should she be able to understand and take responsibility for what has happened, the bond is permanently severed.

I spent some time yesterday following a train of thought about her behaviour, and I have found an explanation which satisfies my need to understand (I have that need almost to excess).  I believe now, and my counsellor confirmed the probability, the Julie has a disorder called Dissociative Identity Disorder.  It used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder.  It explains very well the way in which she switched from one personality to another, without the normal overlap that "normal" people have.  There are different personalities for different circumstances, and there is little or no communication between them.  This is why she can be very easy to get on with, even now, and yesterday could honestly understand why I would be angry at her, but can switch instantaneously into a screaming fit of anger.

This understanding doesn't change anything about my situation.  She would be unable and unwilling to talk about this.  And I have to focus on my real goal - being Darcy's dad.  This is the task that God has asked me to do.  This is the way I can walk through this darkness I feel around me. 

With Love
Joe

Dear Joe . . .
I am glad that you are finding the gift of healing
in music.
"Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak." William Congreve
 
Also . . . http://www.hinduonnet.com/folio/fo0012/00120420.htm
which talks about the power of music.
 
I am no singer,
but I can feel it within me
that when I sing,
something opens up inside of me . . .
something
of healing and exquisite beauty.
Blessings Joe,
and gratitude that your journey is indeed
towards healing
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Jean Sibelius' Swan of Tuenella.

 
Dear Joe, this lovely piece of music would make me cry floods of tears too. You can see that lonely swan in the music so clearly. The swan must definitely be one of your guides at the moment.
I'm glad you have an understanding counsellor. She surely is someone you can trust.
 
It was interesting, what you said about needing to know, and I'm glad you have found answers so quickly. I think I spent 2 years trying to understand before I gave up, and it was only later I learned about personality disorders.
As you say, it doesn't make the hurt go away, but it does make some sort of sense of it.
 
I too wish for you that you don't go to that dark place again. Darcy is the speck of Light.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
Wow...what a huge and beautiful day of four blessings. I am glad that you are working with such a remarkable counselour and that you are seeing light again.
And are committed to healing your self. The piece on the swans is completely beautiful I hope it resonates with you. The song was having the site worked on when I went on tonight so I will have to listen to it tomorrow. I agree a candle for thankfulness of the goodness you have shared on this thread is definately called for!!! I am so glad you had some more time with your son too. Love and light and healing to you always, Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

It's been a harder day today.  I went this morning to talk with a psychiatrist attached to the community mental health service here in Newcastle.  We have a good public health system in Australia, so I'm having access to good medical help to get me through this time.  I explained to him that for the first time in my life I was dealing with strong feelings without using depression to numb myself down.  He appeared quite interested in the concept of someone using depression as a way (albeit destructive in its own way) of controlling strong feelings.

This is something I discovered when I worked as a counsellor.  There were people who came to see me because of depression, who found that there were strong feelings underneath that they had found too difficult to process at the time they occurred.  Not everyone who has depression is in this group, but it's a significant proportion. 

It felt really good to be able to say that I was allowing myself to experience all the feelings rising from what's been happening, even the awful amount of emotional pain and the horror of believing myself to be the monster those people tried to convince me was me.  I acknowledged to the Dr that I was far from out of the woods yet, but I could now see a little blue sky through the trees.

Then Julie sent me an SMS, saying that Darcy had been for his first immunisation shots, earlier than usual because there is a whooping cough epidemic here, and he was living in an environment where things like that spread really quickly.  I replied with an SMS of my own, thanking Julie for keeping me informed, and asking if we could organise for me to have some time with Darcy.  Silence is the only reply I've received.

I am finding that one of the hardest things about this whole situation is that someone who I loved and trusted, who just a day before she left with my son said she loved me and was looking forward to us being a family, is so clearly not that person any more, has absolutely no compassion for me, and has no problem in deliberately causing me pain, and in keeping Darcy from knowing his father.  We so often see terrible things on the news, and I remember very clearly my raction to stories about parents who used their children as weapons against each other.  But you never expect that it will be you in the story.  You think you are somehow protected from the ugliness around you.  But I'm here to tell you it's right here, right now.

I have been aware of a growing determination to not only be here for Darcy when the time comes that I am allowed to have my son with me, but also to seek some redress for the injustice of the whole thing.  So I've written letters of complaint about the child welfare workers, and about the social worker who was there.  I will see what eventuates with this before I take it any further.

In general, though today I have felt like a bee in a bottle.  Lots of noise, lots of buzzing around, but not really getting anyplace.  I pray tomorrow is a better day.

I ask the Lord to keep my son Darcy, who is one of His special children, safe from harm, and knowing in his heart that his earthly father loves him.

With Love and Determination
Joe

We so often see terrible things on the news, and I remember very clearly my raction to stories about parents who used their children as weapons against each other. But you never expect that it will be you in the story. You think you are somehow protected from the ugliness around you. But I'm here to tell you it's right here, right now.

 
Unfortunately dear Joe,
none of us are exempt . . .
there was a time many years ago,
when, like you,
I never thought that I would be 'in' a terrible story.
 
You may not feel like every day
is one of great strides,
but baby steps,
in the end,
can get you just as far.
 
We must do what we can,
and allow time to do its work as well
with love . . .
sparrow
 
 

everything counts... ♥

Dear Joe,
I agree with Sparrow that none of us is exempt.
 
Stay calm, stay focussed.
 
Love can be sent just by thinking it.
 
I will light a candle now for you all,
 
Blessings and Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
It is true that personality disordered persons have this exact way about them.
Remember to just work on yourself and be gentle with yourself too in this self-examination.
Also remember that you can only do what you can do each day.
My heart goes out to you as you go through this healing journey.
I also ditto what the others have said here.
Most times we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves as we go through such life changing events.
Please remember to have peace, patience and courtesy when dealing with the authorities, CPS etc.
Keeping you in my prayers.
 
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Most times we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves as we go through such life changing events.

This has both been hard today.  A day filled again with the pain of not seeing Darcy, a pain which is increasing with time rather than becoming less.  I have overcome any desire to not face this life any more, and if thoughts have come today they have been muted andd have not stayed long.  This is a true blessing, and I thank the Lord for it is His hand which waves them them away, and His love which eases the agony that brings them.

Today I sent Julie an SMS asking for some time with Darcy, and she again refused, and again used my supposed threat to Darcy as a reason.  The pain which now comes from missing him is a kinown part of me for the present.  I pray God that there will come a time when it lessens, or is eased by seeing him.  The determination to stay out the fight for my son must be affirmed and reaffirmed.  The gentle, kind me would allow things to "sort themselves out", usually resulting in my losing something important.

Harder today was the anger towards Julie.  She set out, deliberately and callously and deceitfully, to push me to breaking point in the last months of the pregnancy, and the first days of Darcy's life.  She acted to mske the mistake I made into an event she could use to take my son away from my care.  She involved an organisation which has the difficult task of keeping children safe from harm, and had the workers doing what she wanted.  She fed the workers information about me and our relationship which made me out to be abusive af her and Darcy.  She sat in the conference a week ago and watched with a look of satisfaction on her face as they crucified me and took every last piece of dignity and will from me.  She knew the damage it would do to me to be named a child abuser, and she is still saying that I cannot see my son because of what was decided at the conference.

She is the most destructive person I have ever met, and she has pushed me closer to destruction than any other person in my entire life.  It is by God's grace only that I am here today.  And I loved her.  I gave her two years of my life.  I cared for her.  I am totally unable at this time to find any connection between the woman I loved and who bore my son , and the person who has him now, other than they both have the same name.

With time all things are possible.  With time I may not have this ache in my heart, or this rage.  Please.

With Love
Joe

She sat in the conference a week ago and watched with a look of satisfaction on her face as they crucified me and took every last piece of dignity and will from me.

 
Dear Joe,
No-one can do that to you without you allowing them to. Don't allow anyone to.
 
The anger is natural, but don't let it consume you.
 
Stay strong and focussed.
 
Blessings and Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

No-one can do that to you without you allowing them to. Don't allow anyone to.

If this were true, there would be no victims.  When you have someone who has practiced being a bully all their life, for whom the crushing of another person's spirit is bread and butter, ordinary mortals like me do not stand much of a chance.
The taking of another's dignity and ability to have rational thought is one of the ugly aspects of many of our society's institutions.  Bureaucracy is built on the unequal wielding of power.  Fortunately, though, many people within society's systems stand up for the less powerful.

Today I had examples of both my powerlessness and my right to be represented by someone in the system.  I saw a lawyer, and explained what had happened, and he told me that there is nothing I can do within the legal system to change what has been decided.  The welfare manager has the power to declare me a danger to my son and I have no redress within that system.  In a way it was a relief, because I can let go of any thought that there is something that I could do, but did not know about. (that sounds really confused, but I know what I mean).  It means I can now concentrate on find a way to accept what has happened, and work within the system.  If I can do that I will ultimately succeed.

The when I came home I received a letter from a representative of the State Government Department for Community Welfare - the department which oversees the child welfare system.  I had written a letter to her expressing my concerns with how I had been treated.  She said that she was looking into the case, and would be in touch with me once she had looked into it.  At least I have a sense now of being heard and taken seriously.

And so another day is coming to a close.  And I am still stuck in the moment when my son was taken from my care.  I will be here until he is a regular part of my life.

With Love
Joe

Dear Joe,
 
I hope you don't think I'm being flippant or unkind.
 
People can physically take away things from you, but they can't take away your feelings or your own self-respect.
 
You know the truth of all this...that is what is important, and what you have to hold on to.
 
It's good to hear you being strong-willed and purposeful.
 
I am sure you will be heard.
 
Blessings and Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Joe,
I continue to light candles for you.  I am sorry for the suffering that anyone in your position experiences.  The challenges you face in each moment are great.  To take the highest road.  To stay in charge of your actions, thoughts and feelings.  I can see that you are working on this.... and succeeding.....  Under tremendous challenge.  I see strength in how you are handling this.  Working your way through each feeling. Each circumstance.  Each action.  Blessings and light, liliwings

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Blessing to you Joe,
 
May the guidance you need to heal within always be in constant motion for you!
 
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Julie rang me today, to arrange to come to my house (used to be our home), and said she would bring Darcy with her.  So I am to see my beautiful boy.  But of course it means I will have to be in total control of my feelings, or I will say something I regret.  It is typical of her that one day she refuses me access, and the next uses it as a way to keep me from telling her how I feel.  I just hope she can refrain from wanting to have any conversation with me.

I know how ugly it must sound, but in my counselling session yesterday I found that I have begun to hate her in the way I did my father.  I can not find any positive feelings for her in me.  And that is probably the saddest part of all of this.  Where there was love, there comes hatred.  I know that with time I will heal from this, but now the wounds are so deep, and the pain so sharp.  I have the love and support of some special people, as well as my Gratefulness family.  But I have NEVER hurt like this before in my whole life.  I was never taken so close to ceasing to live.  I was never stripped of the power to think and choose, other than to choose to let the Lord guide my hands to call for help.

I have finished another piece of music, which expresses how I feel at the moment.  I'll put the other two here as well, and I think it will become it's own suite.

Alone mp3
Losing Darcy mp3
Empty mp3

They are becoming more difficult emotionally, and I think there will be more pain expressed before this journey of mine starts to move up to the light. 

I am stripped down to the very basics of what it is to be human, and much of the baggage I carried with me for so long has dropped away.  With time I will emerge a stronger and better person.  The Lord willing.

With Love
Joe

I will emerge a stronger and better person.

Yes! You undoubtedly will.
 
Your feelings of hatred are very normal and part of the process you are going through, and yes, you will heal from them.
 
I pray that your meeting with Darcy will go ahead smoothly and without unpleasantness.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Joe,
 
My prayers are with you as move along this difficult journey!
I, too, hope your time with Darcy will be enjoyable for you and not marred in any way!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joe,
 
I listened to Empty...it is quite intense and thank you for sharing it here.
 
I do believe self-control is always the best during all of your visits.
Remember peace and patience and courtesy always.
 
I know its hard but you can vent all of your feelings at other times with those that can help you or alone in a walk.
 
Take good care of your self and I too hope your time today with them will be peaceful.
 
Peace, Love and Joy,
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Well, the answer to the question "How did the visit go?" is that it didn't.  Once again Julie manufactured a reason not to allow me to see Darcy.  The difference this time is that she threatened my safety over the phone.  So I had the police here, and they have advised me not to communicate directly with her at all, but to make all contact through her lawyer.

Once again I allowed myself to trust that she would do what she said in letting me see Darcy, and once again she has betrayed that trust.  I am becoming so bitter and hate-filled towards her.  I can not stop the pain she inflicts, because I need to be open to giving love to my son when I see him, whenever that will be, and because to shut down my feelings now would negate all the healing I have done over the last four years.

There is an ugliness in me with this that I am trying very hard to cleanse, but each time I get close to achieving it something hurtful and hateful happens, and I'm right back in it.  There is so much hate and deliberate hurt coming from Julie that my compassion and generosity seem to be at and end.  I need a compassion top-up.  I need to find a reserve of humane concern in me that I can tap into while this is happening.  I can not see an end to this for some time, and if I keep going down the path I find myself on right now - the path of anger and hate - I will be lost in the darkness for ever.

I am using the sign I put up on my wall, which says simply "Remember", to bring myself back to the real Joe, the man who has fought so hard to be able to look in the mirror and see someone he likes and is proud of being.  I have also kept up a constant conversation with God to ask His help in this.  This is the most important battle of my whole life, because it is a battle to defend the me I have come to be.  It is a battle which will decide who stands in front of Him to be judged.  Someone who kept to His laws despite extreme provocation, or someone who gave in to hatred, or even worse to self-destruction, under the pressure.  Every moment is a battle.

Keep praying my friends, and pray for Julie especially, because I know who has his dark hand around her heart, and who is reveling in the anger and pain being generated.  Well he may have her right now, but she is still the mother of my son, and I will not give up on her being able to walk in the light again.  And he WILL NOT have my son.  The light of God shines on Darcy, and the light of my love for him.

With love and a unshakable determination
Joe

I am becoming so bitter and hate-filled towards her.

 
Dear Joe,
Prayers will continue for you, for Julie and for Darcy.
 
You are doing tremendously well, I think.
 
Julie appears to be mentally ill. Would it help to talk to a doctor about her threats to you? If she is so unstable, surely that makes her less suitable to bring up your son?
 
Keep strong. Another trick you could use to remind yourself, is to visualize yourself stepping into a circle of light. Every day.... maybe many times a day, make sure you are in the centre of the light. This ensures that you stay 'centred.'
This really works because of right/left brain activity. Too much one way and we become off-balance.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Keep strong. Another trick you could use to remind yourself, is to visualize yourself stepping into a circle of light. Every day.... maybe many times a day, make sure you are in the centre of the light. This ensures that you stay 'centred.'

I am feeling surprisingly strong and settled tonight.  Your idea of the light is a good one, and when I tried the visualisation I had such a sense of the presence of great love and trust, and I knew that I walked in His light. 

I think because Julie's behavious today was so childish, and because I received such positive support from the police, including a young female officer who was very supportive, I feel a sense of calmness and peace, such as I have not had for many days, in fact for many months.  i know without doubt that my cause is just, and that if I can keep the calmness and quiet strength I WILL succeed in being the dad Darcy needs and deserves.

It's one of the interesting side effects of Julie having DID that has helped.  Despite there being malicious thought and motivation in her, her thinking is rather childish.  She did not seem to understand that if she was going to threaten me that she had called the police and they were coming with her to get her things, that she should first make sure she actually called the police, and that I would not think it was a great idea to have them here if she is here.  Now she has had two occasions of threatening me with the police and each time I have followed up with contacting them myself and asking for their help.  So now she is a person known to the police for causing problems and threatening me. 

The DID seems to have more and more meant that her thought processes are childish and not producing the results she hoped for.  It's almost like a spoiled ten-year-old saying "I'm going to tell my big brother on you", but the big brother turns out to not be her brother at all, and doesn't like being annoyed by ten-year-olds.

I have also found today that I've done a lot of examining my feelings about Julieand my situation, and I find that what I thought was ugly hatred is at least partly righteous indignation.  I don't have that same feeling of ugliness that I did before.  And I am more determined that ever to fight with every good weapon I have access to, to be the sort of dad my son will be proud of.

All of which means that I am in a better place than I have been since this whole sad business started.

With Love
Joe

I have also found today that I've done a lot of examining my feelings about Julieand my situation, and I find that what I thought was ugly hatred is at least partly righteous indignation.

 
Joe, this makes perfect sense. Indignation can produce a rage in us that is perfectly righteous and understandable, and it needs an outlet. Yes, try to keep the calmness. There is strength in staying calm in difficult situations.
 
I'm glad the Light visualization helped...it does me....and I'm pleased you are feeling better.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

It has been a day of contrasts today.  I saw a counsellor who I had last seen before the hell of the conference and it's aftermath, and she was genuinely shocked to hear what had happened.  I was good to talk from a position of having at least a little time since it all came down on my head.  I surprised myself with the strength that was in my voice, and the determination I expressed.  She has worker in the child welfare system in the past, and was not at all surprised by how I was treated.  She said that this sort of thing was normal, and the reason she left that area of work.  Isn't it an ugly paradox that a lot of the people in that system are either newly graduated from university, or people who are in it to meet their own personal agenda, when these are the last people who should have the right to decide what a child's best interests are.  So generally a positive day.

Tonight, though, it's back to the pain which comes down with the evening to lay so heavily on my shoulders and around my heart.  Darcy was seven weeks old yesterday.  The pain of missing him is not lessening with time, rather it is growing.  I know it is still very early days, but I am finding it harder and harder to sit with.  I have reached a very good place with touching the strength I need to get through, and I noticed today when i saw myself reflected in a shop window that I am walking tall and straight.  But it seems that the pain I am allowing to be there is stronger as well.  I had to stop driving today because I heard some sad news on my car radio, and burst into a flood of tears, and I did the same watching the TV news.

I have also been trying to work out where in the grief cycle I am.  Times are I want to tear down the world to have him back (and the Julie who was my partner, but who no longer exists, and the family we were going to be).  Times are I want to take the people who have done this to me and make them wish their parents had never met.  Then I have to just sit and allow the pain subside.  And then I sob for half an hour out of sheer sorrow.  I guess I am where I am, and it will take the course it takes.

As they say in the classics "Ain't life a bitch?"

With Love

Joe

I guess I am where I am, and it will take the course it takes.

 
Yes, you are dear Joe, and it takes a lot to accept that.
 
I think we can all relate to your description of your grief and its effects.
 
But you are also aware that your resolve is strong., and as you say, the worst of the painful times does subside.
 
My thoughts are with you,
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

So sorry Joe for all of the suffering and hurt that is in your life at this time.
I hope for you a prayer of strength and soundness in your days to come.
I hope you can find the way through and through calmness be what is needed for you to survive in this pain of family seperation. Many blessings to you and your loved ones, Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Dear Joe,
 
I have lived things that enable me to understand you pretty well. I will light a candle.
 
Someone earlier was talking of EMDR. I tried it and it really works.

I appreciate the good thoughts and love, and they are a votal part of the strength I need to get through this.

I have tried EMDR in the past, and it had a paradoxical negative effect on me, because it took me back to my abuse.  At the moment it is the gentle support of my main counsellor which is helping most, along with writing the music.  I am able to express so much of myself that way, and I don't need to try and find any words.  There have been so many times when the tears have flowed, but there are no words there.  I'm not sure why.  I think it's because I have used language all my life as a protection against being hurt, so language takes me to a place of intellect, even words about my feelings.

I call the sensation and emotion I am having to deal with from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, and sometimes even in my dreams, pain because there is no other word that describes it.  But it's more than pain.  It's extreme distress of my body, my mind, my spirit and my soul.  And I can feel the damage it's done.  I was making a phone call a little earlier, and I found I have started stammering and not being able to get any words out at all.  I am experiencing panic attacks and anxiety attacks in a way which I have not done for about five years. 

I really hate the fact that this is all there is in my life.  There is no laughter, no affection, no intimacy.  The only creative expression I am able to do is to express my pain and fear and anger in music.  I was supposed to be writing music to express great joy and wonder and triumph with the birth of my son.

I have an appointment with another lawyer this afternoon, so hopefully I will be clearer about where I actually stand, and if it really is true that I can take no positive action.

With Love
Joe

Dear Joe,
 
My prayers accompany you on this painful journey. It is hard to accept what is, but it is the only real starting point from which to move on. I hope your counselors are of help to you. Don't worry about not being able to find words. They are not always necessary. Silence may say more than words.
 
A candle keeps burning for you.
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joe,
The stammering and being unable to get your words out are very descriptive of your anxiety.
 
As a Healer I would see this as heart-pain that has caused a huge hole in your heart chakra. Try visualizing emerald green around your heart to heal it, and a pink lotus blossom or water lily in your heart centre, gently opening up...just enough to feel love for yourself, but not too open that your heart will get hurt even more. Regulate the lotus blossom's open state according to how much your heart needs protecting.
 
Actually, generally speaking, difficulties with speaking or getting our words out, is associated with not being able to speak our truth. I expect you would identify with that at the moment. The throat chakra is the next chakra up after the heart, and the energy is not able to flow freely.
 
Any expression of your pain is good. Music is yours, poetry would be mine. Keep using it.
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way