My Son

And when money is tight and I want flowers, I go outside and find some! A sprig off a tree or bush that has berries is just as beautiful to me as a casablanca lily and there's always some grass or other greenery around to add substance to the design. I've even been known to collect tall grasses with seed buds on the end and just make an arrangement out of that. Nature always provides!

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

I couldn't agree more! What ever the season there is always something to find.
I had a little daisy skeleton stuck on my PC until it fell to pieces.  J

Love is the only way

Just to let you know I have just had some lovely Shiatsu treatment from my Son! I'm hoping it will re-establish the bond between us.
 
Also, his doors were not locked today.  J

Love is the only way

Dear Judith, every little bit counts! Something to add to the list to be grateful for! I am glad for you!
Love,  Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Judith: How lovely! I'm glad the tide is rolling in the right direction.
 
With love,
Emil

Adding my prayers that your relationship with your son continues to improve and be healed. Namaste

Wonderful to hear....and how exciting!! Doors are wide open. I continue to pray for you both. For healing and for your Son's light to shine brighter every day.

Well, 2 months on and things have suddenly reverted
 
Over a simple, though important issue my Son is again being very aggressive, and accuses me of having an attitude problem.
 
The difficulty before was that I was unable to talk to him without being verbally attacked. It's very strange behaviour and I don't understand it.
 
Briefly, we have a water leak which has happened in our neighbour's garden. Understandably he is upset and wants us to fix it. I have spoken to the neighbour and think it is a good idea if my Son just explains his intentions to him regarding repairing the water leak.
 
When I suggested this (calmly) my Son went spiralling off into a mood, and said he would deal with it when he felt like it, and is not going to panic. (I wasn't panicking) Basically, 'it's all my fault' and I must solve it. Also he said he didn't like my attitude and I shouldn't take it out on him and his daughter, and if the neighbour sues us he will sell the house. (the old chestnut trotted out many times to threaten me)
 
Now, can anyone see where I went wrong? I'm completely baffled. I wasn't "taking it out" on anyone. This is a problem we need to sort, and I was simply asking for some cooperation.
 
My Son has made no effort to arrange counselling for us, despite suggesting it and agreeing to do it. His behaviour towards me has been so good, totally different, and now........  Thanks for listening  J

Love is the only way

Dear Jude,
I am so sorry to hear about the turn of events. I sit here pondering what might be wrong, what might be causing such a mood swing. Of course, I don't know the answer. What crosses my mind is this: I wonder if he feels so insecure, so inadequate to handle the requested task that he strikes out? Is he afraid what therapy might reveal about himself? Is fear behind his agressive behaviour? You are better trained than I to recognize this. I can only imagine how frustrating this is to you.
 
I'll keep him and you in my prayers and light a candle for you in the "ALL" group.
With much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear J.:  I'm so sorry about your problems with your son.  It sounds like you're trying to take the "high road" in this situation, and that's probably the best thing you can do.  And he may do better again.  You know how hard it can be for people to change their behavior, they don't always perform the change 100% of the time.  If you're reasonably certain that it isn't about you or your response, try not to take on the guilt or the blame.  Just because he's trying to give them to you, it doesn't mean you have to take them. (This might be a good time for that cynicism!  Maybe it will help you to not take it on!).
 
I'm thinking about you and have lighted a candle also.  Take care of yourself in this situation and I hope you keep us posted.

To truly listen is to perfect one's own virtue.

Thank you Edda and Lori so much for your thoughts and candles. I feel much more 'on track' now after a depressed start to the day.
 
My Son does want us to go for counselling and has asked me to make an appointment. My guess is you are both right about him. He is afraid of what it might throw up & that is why he continually puts the responsibility and blame on me all the time. He thinks we are going because I have childhood issues which I am putting on him. Maybe I still have, but I don't think that is the case here.
 
I keep hoping that, at 37 he is able to take responsibility himself also, but maybe he isn't. His girlfriend has similar problems with him, but is a much stronger woman emotionally than me, and I think he has found his match! Because I feel upset, I still react, and my voice goes up and gets louder, which apparently is like a red rag to him. Perhaps I will have to practise whispering to him when I'm upset!! That would confuse him!!!
 
The problem with the water supply is an on-going thing and could be easily rectified for good. That is what frustrates me so much. We have good neighbours and I don't want any bad feeling. I know how I would feel if water was pouring all over my garden. Perhaps my Son has not yet realized that, with property ownership goes responsibilities.
 
Thank you all for being there. It doesn't feel such a big burden today.
Love  J

Love is the only way

Dear Jude, thank you for your updayte. I am glad you are feeling a bit calmer today. There might be something to whispering to your son! At least it works for some children, when parents are in the habit to out-yell them. The children have to stop screaming to hear what mother is saying. It might even be something they like!
I know some men who are "challenged" when it comes to dealing with practical problems. I don't know but perhaps your son is one of them!
 
I hope your days get better and better!
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

After writing my last post, I picked up a book I have bought today in a Charity shop, by Iyanla Vanzant. It has readings for each day of the year, and today's was about, having recovered from problems, starting to feel better, then having your life sabotaged by yet another problem!!!!! It then went on to say how best to respond......to be quiet (whisper?)and not to fight, but to trust, pray and wait for the help which would come. Also, not to think you have to fight alone.
Synchronicity or what??     J

Love is the only way

AWESOME!  Can't be a coincidence.
 
Hugs,
Lori

To truly listen is to perfect one's own virtue.

Amen! You are not alone. And continue to have faith. Keeping you and your son in my prayers always. He will heal...and things will get better. Keep standing tall and don't second guess yourself just trust that God has this. Sending love and prayers to your son. May God's grace surround him and ease his anger...may therapy bring the healing that you both need so you can related in a healthy manner. I know that you both love each other so keep the faith!

Thank you all for your encouragement - helps me to keep my chin up.   Love to all,  J

Love is the only way

Judith;
 
I have gone back over your posts in this thread and I cannot find "my son's" name anywhere; do you ever just call him Scott?

"We must be the change we want to see in this world."

Please light a Candle in the "zendo"

Dear Richard,
 
Actually, his name isn't Scott I used it to give him some anonimity. I'm sure I'll slip up one day and write it by accident, but I think I know why you asked. It does seem a bit formal, but I'd rather leave it as is. thanks for asking.      J

Love is the only way

Just to say, things are still difficult with my Son. He's still not seeing how destructive his behaviour towards me is and I'm finding it hard not to be hurt and angry.
 
I've been looking after my Granddaughter while her Father was on holiday. He's been back a few hours and already left us both for a weekend with his girlfriend. When she could have stayed here and he could have been here for his little girl, and I could have had a rest.
 
I had no thanks or appreciation, and when I mentioned that I needed a rest he started on the blackmail route again. It's all very sad when it could be so easy for us to be kind to each other.
 
Feeling a bit disappointed tonight.  Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude, I am sorry you are feeling disappointed and hurt. I suppose you might be wondering where your son learned to act in such a selfish way, not from you, I am certain. I sometimes think we live in a culture that encourages young people to put themselves, their success and comfort first without thinking much about the needs of others. I think about that when I ride the bus, and young people so rarely offer a seat to someone needing to sit. Perhaps it takes the experience of living a few or many more years to become aware just how interdependent we are (a snowstorm might do it, at least in Chicago!). 
 
Hoping you'll feel better soon, and that you son will have some of his better moments again,
Much love,  Edda

Peace and joy!