My Son

Dear Edda,
Yes, I think you are right about it being a generation thing. My friends and I are often talking about it. Here in the UK it's blamed on the "Thatcher years" as Mrs Thatcher, our then Prime Minister, promoted non-dependence as a virtue, looking out only for 'number one' or 'dog-eat-dog' and other similar sayings, which I think, without a doubt, fostered a very selfish attitude. Yes, that attitude might make you very succesful in business......but how kind has it made you?
And the so-called 'New-age' has been grossly misinterpreted when it says to put ourselves first. I wouldn't disagree with that, but it needs qualifying. Doing Yoga, I was taught that I needed to make sure I and my health were put first in order that I could be of benefit to others. Otherwise, if I am not fit, how can I help others? That's how I see it. We have a duty to keep well in order to be of use in the world. That isn't being selfish.
I know my Son has, in the past, believed this philosophy, and probably still does, but doesn't 'live' it at the moment. He reads the books of the Dalai Llama, Buddha, Hindu philosophy, etc. etc. It's all there!!
I just have to keep trusting and praying.
 
Lots of Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude, thank you for your thoughts. I agree with your addition that we need to care for ourselves to be able to care for others. Afterall, we are told to love others as ourselves. So how can we love others well if we don't know how to love ourselves. It just shouldn't stop there!
 
Have a wonderful Sunday afternoon,
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Jude, I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.  I wish things were different with your son.  It sounds as if he has some "blind spots," given the discrepancy between what he's reading and what he's doing.  I hope you are able to get some rest soon.  I know it's probably not much consolation now, but I would bet that there will come a time when your granddaughter realizes what a wonderful gift you have been to her.  (I wish her father could be a gift to her also, maybe someday . . . .) 
 
Hugs,
Lori

To truly listen is to perfect one's own virtue.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, Love and Hugs.  Jude

Love is the only way

Please pray with me that my Son's heart will be cleared of the hate and anger he feels for certain people and situations, and be filled with gratitude and compassion instead.
 
I am sad that his life is being blighted by these feelings, and that I may unknowingly be a part of them.  Jude

Love is the only way

P.S. I will name the candle group 3 C's   Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude, I am so sorry that your son is still causing you so much pain. I just lit a candle for him.
I have tried to put in here a link to his candle group, but it is not working today!

Wishing you comfort and peace,
Love, Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Kind Jude,
 
I'm so sorry your heartache continues.  I hope your son's choices for reading mean he's looking for answers.  Maybe he's struggling himself with a need for peace in his life.
 
Many of us who have raised children to so-called "adulthood" have agonized over their struggles to find their way, and I can say from experience that it can be a painful road.  My own son has challenged my love for him over and over, but as you know, we mothers are eternal optimists and always believe in our love for our children.  My son "turned a corner" about a year ago.  I pray your son will follow the light of your love and make that turn very soon.
 
I have lit a candle for the two of you.
 
With love,
Lolly
 

Dear Edda and Lolly, thank you both for your support.
Yes, Mother's never give up do they, and never giving up is part of my make-up anyway, and could be one of the reasons he is angry with me, which is difficult for me.
 
Lolly, I KNOW he's a deeply spiritual person and that somehow makes it harder to bear, as he isn't living from his heart. (I'm sure kick-boxing doesn't help either. )
 
As often happens, it was a relationship problem which changed his perspective on the world and on women in particular. The fact that he hasn't been able to have a normal complete break from the person he's so bitter about is probably keeping the fires of resentment and hate burning. And this resentment is having a knock-on effect in all his other relationships. He thinks all his problems are caused by someone else!
 
I have the benefit of years to account for any wisdom I've learned, and I wish I could go back and use the wisdom in my relationship with my Mother! So I keep hoping.
 
Lots of Love,   Jude

Love is the only way

Jude, I'm sorry to hear of how much you are huring in your relationship with your son.  But you probably know him better than anyone, and you probably know that your signature points you in the right direction, love IS the only way.  Love him in the best way you can, but be sure to give him a good example by loving yourself as well. 
 
Love and hugs,
Lori

To truly listen is to perfect one's own virtue.

Praying tonight for my friend Jude and for answers to the frustrations she faces with her son.  Asking for peace in their relationship and comfort for Jude.
 
Love,
Lolly

He's back to locking doors again now, which is very upsetting. His daughter is on half-term and she can't even use her own living room.
I'm seriously thinking he has some sort of mental illness.
 
I'm praying that the light takes the blinkers from his eyes and the wall from around his heart.
 
We are due to see a Gestalt Psychotherapist on the 6th November so I'm hoping he actually gets to go. 
Off to work now!!!!   Jude

Love is the only way

Keeping your son held in heavenly light shining prayers. May he be healed and made whole again. Mentally and physically.
 
Sending you love and prayers as well...stay strong.
 
God's peace be with you both and my this session go well with the therapist.
 
 

I must share this with you, especially taking into consideration how despondent I was feeling this morning. I'm sure you will all understand.
 
After being very unpleasant to me for several days my Son came home tonight and had to back-track a bit. His girlfriend is taking him away for the weekend and he wants me to look after Chloe. (following this? ) Any parent will recognise this behaviour and it was hard for me not to giggle.
I'm trying to keep Juliana's book "Nonviolent Communication" in mind and keep my cool. (not easy)
 
I was able to talk to him a bit about Chloe's bad behaviour and what I think is the reason, and he LISTENED!!!!
 
Thank you Star - I am trying to be strong. Blessings to you.
 
Love to all, Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude, "listening" is a good thing and a good start! I do hope with you that your son will keep the appointment. It may help to discover the reason for his erratic appearing behaviour - moving toward you and then away again!
 
Praying for you and him,
Much love,  Edda

Peace and joy!

Jude,
 
It's good that he listened.  I find my older son "understands" my point of view most when he is asking for something from me.    But we take whatever opportunity we get, right?
 
I pray this is a new start for communication between the two of you and that he will cooperate with you in addressing Chloe's needs.  I'm so grateful she has you, Jude.  She may not be old enough or wise enough to know it yet, but one day she will be very grateful that she has had you as well.
 
Much love,
Lolly
 
 

His eye is on the sparrow, so I know He watches me.

Dear Lolly,
I spoke too soon I'm afraid. I made the mistake of commenting that locking his living rooms for the whole weekend, including today (Thursday) was unfair both to me and Chloe. He just exploded & said he didn't want to see the counsellor, but wanted to take me to court instead!!!!!!
 
After a very confused morning I saw my acupuncturist who made me feel better. He said it was probably another idle threat.
 
To make matters worse Chloe has been playing up today, not that anyone could blame her, but it has totally worn me out.
I'm beginning to think everyone else is right when they say I should find somewhere else to live. But, being stubborn, I think 'why should someone force me out of my own home? After all, it was mine first.'
 
But is it worth all this heartache?
 
Love Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude,
 
This is one of those downs after an up and totally frustrating to you. Your son may change his mind again before the scheduled appointment.
I can understand that you don't want to let him determine where you should live. Perhaps, in the long run, YOU can make a choice. Some people just seem to be unable to live under the same roof. I don't know if Dr. Phil's (McGraw) program is known in England. I haven't watched it for some time, but he used to ask a good question, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"
 
I keep you in my prayers hoping that things will settle down again.
 
With much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Jude,
It is only now that I have come to read your posts on this thread. I am sorry that things are as they are, I feel with you and I keep you in my prayer. I am surprised to find Edda mentioning the very saying that Rosenberg quotes in his book: "Do you want to be right or to be happy? You cannot be both"! I firmly trust things will eventually change for you and for your son.

Juliana
_______________________________
"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"

Dear Edda and Juliana,
You aren't the first ones to remind me of that quote. It takes me a long time to give up the fight, but it looks like the end might be in sight.
Jude

Love is the only way