My Son

Jude,
I was happy to hear that you had some good time with your son. I lit a candle under the group Jude to let you know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
 
It sounds like his girlfriend is having a good influence on your son. I hope this lady can continue to be a bright spot in your son's life.
 
Thankful one

Hi all,
My Son surprised me tonight at the counselling session, by saying that he hopes to stay living here (in this house) until Chloe is about 18 and maybe goes to university, and then he'd like to move to France.
 
At the moment I'm not sure if I can trust that statement, as a few weeks ago he was telling the counsellor that he might have to take me to court in order to get me out of the house. (Long story) The only thing stopping him was the fact that I am his mother.
 
He is such a complicated person - who knows what goes on in his head. So, do I celebrate and start thinking about decorating my rooms?
 
Anyway, I do feel headway is being made now, and he admitted he is looking at himself and his life differently since we started having the counselling. Can't be bad.
 
Perhaps soon we will be having conversations again.
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Jude,
I think the trend is towards more civility, not less. My take on his comments (not that he won't change his mind tomorrow) is that he is finding a softer place in his heart. I believe counseling can really help people like your son who really need help with their emotions.
 
You have my vote to decorate. I am a firm believer in positive manifesting people and helping to bring out the best in them. In a newly decorated space, you might feel one notch happier which would ease some of the tension in the house.
 
Were you thinking of painting, wallpapering or what? I personally don't think you can ever go wrong with flowers, but what did you have in mind? I hope you and Chloe conspire on this and do at least some of the redecorating together.

Thankful one

Gratitude is the acknowledgement of goodness in one's life. In gratitude we say yes to life... from Thanks - How the new science of gratitude can make you happier by Robert Emmons, Ph.D.

Jude, I'm so glad there's reason for optimism!  Your son definitely sounds complicated, but it sounds like things are heading in a positive direction.  I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Hugs,
Lori

To truly listen is to perfect one's own virtue.

Dear all,
Please keep my Son and I in your prayers for tomorrow's counselling session. Today has been a horrendous one, mainly for Chloe. I think my Son is close to having some sort of break-down and is casting around for someone to blame.  He's behaving very strangely and is not coping.
 
I'm finding it very hard too, as whatever I do or say is wrong. This is a disappointment after last week's breakthrough, and I'm worried for Chloe who had to miss a day's school today. A crisis was made out of some missing car keys. Incredible.  Jude

Love is the only way

Jude, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  As difficult as it is, I hope this turns out to be a good time for a counseling session, as events will be fresh in everyone's memories, and thoughts and feelings may be easier to explore.  Ironically, this timing could turn out to be golden.  I'm hoping for the best for you and keeping this faith.  I've lit a candle for you and your family in the candle group "3 C's." 
 
Your post brings to mind a passage from a book I'm reading, Pema Chodron's "The Places That Scare You."  She was talking about impermanence, and how everything is in process.  I have faith that this is true for your family as well.  As with everything in process, it's constantly changing, ebbing and flowing, and parts of what your family has always done must "die" to bring new growth, and this "death" (however positive and productive) is painful.  But better things are to come, if we don't succumb to the pain and despair. 
 
Hang in there, and please let us know how it goes.
 
Sending love and hugs across the ocean,
Lori

To truly listen is to perfect one's own virtue.

Dear Jude, I am so very sorry that you had such a difficult counseling session. I pray tomorrow's will be better. There are always these ups and downs as you have already experienced.
I'll light a candle for you, your son and Chloe.
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Jude,
I will keep you and your son and Chloe in my heart for a good outcome to the therapy tomorrow. I know that this has been incredibly difficult for you and seems to have no closure. Your story reminded me of this quote.
 
It is easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song, but the woman worth while is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong. For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with years, and the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears.  Irish saying

Thankful one

Gratitude is the acknowledgement of goodness in one's life. In gratitude we say yes to life... from Thanks - How the new science of gratitude can make you happier by Robert Emmons, Ph.D.

Dear Jude, A candle, prayer and warm thoughts from me, too. Trusting that - eventually - things will change for better.

Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Jude, Praying that enlightening and awareness will shine through in your family. I have lit a candle and may that light bring some change from up Above and with it peace.
 
Blessings to you.
Marie

Jude, you, Chloe, and your son have been in my thoughts and prayers in today especially. Know that besides the forum cadle, you are also part of the "kitchen table candle." The darkest part of night slowly brings forth the dawn.
Hugs and prayers.

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Just testing, as I wrote a long post just now & it wasn't accepted When I went back to look for it, it had disappeared. This happened once before recently, so think I'll compose it elsewhere & copy & paste!!
Jude

Love is the only way

2nd attempt!!
 
Thank you all so much for your Love, thoughts, prayers and candles today, as they really did help.
 
I had a very un-restful night and awoke feeling quite ill. My son and Chloe came home early this morning from the girlfriend’s home and then he went straight off to work, giving me just 10 minutes to wake up, dress and walk Chloe to school. (I was expecting him to drop her off on the way)
 
Then a strange thing happened. (nothing happens by chance) 5 minutes after he left, I had a call from my Son to say there was a traffic hold-up in town and he was having to come back home, and would therefore be taking Chloe to school. Angels were looking out for me this morning, I am sure. Also, my son was forced to have a second day working from home, which I’m sure he benefited from.
 
I had not been looking forward to the counselling session as I knew it would be heavy going, and we were still angry with each other which made it difficult to start with. Lori, you were right when you said it was a good time as everything was fresh in our minds. The therapist let us get on with it for a while, and then she picked up on my son’s paranoia, and the fact that, in his mind, everything happening in his life, for good or ill, depended on me. (This is what I have been battling with now for several years) She also tried to explain to him that my need to go to Chloe’s aid was coming from a motherly place and not from one of interfering.
 
Anyway, I think it ended with some positive thoughts, and she gave us some suggestions for the coming week, but best of all was the fact that Chloe had been able to sort things out with her dad, with the girlfriend’s help, the previous evening, and it showed on her face. I just hope her need for her Dad’s time will be heeded.
 
Thank you all once again, and sending you lots of love,  (fingers crossed I can post it this time)
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude, thank you for the update. I am glad that today was a better day and that there was some progress in the counseling session. It is also good to hear that Chloe has sorted out some things.
 
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers,
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thought I would re-visit this post tonight.
The counseling session was a mixed bag this time. It started off badly with my Son announcing (again!) that money, or rather the lack of it, was a big problem to him, and therefore we may have to sell the house. (I've heard this so many times I'm not immediately pannicked.) The counsellor really cornered him and forced him to see how aggressively he had announced this piece of news, while I picked my heart up off the floor!!
I saw it (whether or not it was a genuine worry) as another sabotage of what I really wanted to talk about...my worries about Chloe.
 
However, thanks to a very skilled therapist, we got to talk about both, my Son calmed down and we carried on to have quite a successful session. Several genuine grievances got aired and we ended up laughing at each other. So now we have to start some work.
We must have been having counselling for a year now. It's certainly a long process!!!
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude . . .
I read your post earlier this morning, but wanted to think about it for a bit. I read back over the messages that have been posted in this thread, and saw that you seem to have a very chaotic history with both your son and your granddaughter, Chloe.
I am so sorry that this has been an ongoing burden for you and will light candles for you in the 3 c's group, as that seems to be the one you were using. I think there is a saying that goes something like this: "familiarity breeds contempt". The three of you are living in such close proximity to each other that I imagine harmony is not easy to maintain, even in the best of circumstances. I may be fortunate to live so far away from my son because we have had a long and painful history. We did not communicate for many years, then began exchanging daily emails until I unintentionally offended him. He cut off communication for a couple of years, and finally I emailed him a birthday greeting this year, and he responded as if nothing had happened. In any case, we do email each other, but on my end at least, I am very cautious about what I say. If we were living closer together, or God forbid in the same house, I'm sure I'd be posting messages hourly about my difficulties.
I can only say Jude, that I'm glad that you have found a therapist that you both seem to trust, and that progress is slowly being made . . . it may not always feel like it--you know, the old "one-step-forward-two (sometimes three)-steps back" dance.
It seems that now you are able to see his outbursts for what they are. For example you didn't panic because your son brought up selling the house yet again. Maybe this can help you distance yourself from his frustration and anger. I believe that most of it is probably about him and not you. Fifteen or twenty years ago a book came out by Harriet Lerner called "The Dance of Anger". I read it and it helped me come to terms with anger in my own relationships. I have taken the liberty (since I so recently used Thankful one's link) of getting the link from Amazon, as the book is still available. I usually purchase my books used, and have very good luck. I think the book "The Translucent Revolution" used, cost me $2.88. Here it is . . .
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006074104X/bookstorenow57-20
I will think of you there, across the ocean and send you the very best energy I can.
with much love. . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Sparrow,
Thank you for your kind thoughts and candles. I'm in a bit of a trough at the moment, worrying about something else entirely, and have come back several times today to read your post.
Looking back over old posts, and also from memory, it seems quite a few of us have had 'estrangements' with our children, especially sons. It's a totally new thing for me as I hadn't heard about such things except one instance when my husband's brother suddenly decided to divorce himself from the whole family, causing his mother terrible pain. The rest of us thought he must be depraved!
I had some falling-outs with my Mother, but not serious ones, and none of us would have ever dreamed of deliberatly doing anything to hurt her.
My whole family is completely shocked by my experience now, and of course, they knew what a lovely boy my Son was. It's baffling.
I had a look at the book you recommended and it certainly looks interesting. I may get it soon. I found some copies for only 1 penny (with postage on top of course.) I think they were all in America so I wouldn't get it immediately. Juliana also recommended a book which I bought, and later some CDs read by the author, which I found easier to follow.
 
I'm not on the ball tonight so do forgive me. I was expecting a visit from my partner and he didn't come. I always worry despite knowing that worrying does no good at all. I will now go and be comforted by my cat!
 
Lots of Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Cats are an excellent source of comfort . . .
=^..^=

everything counts... ♥

This came this morning..........
 
Patience
Patience teaches you not to push, but rather to wait and appreciate the game of life, knowing that nothing remains the same and everything will change at some point. 

Love is the only way

Dear Jude . . .
Patience . . . oh so difficult to cultivate, but thankfully we have many, many opportunities to practice!
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥