My Son

Dear Sparrow,
 
Yes, we have lots of opportunities to practise patience, often it seems all day long! We are not alone in this. In prayer groups I have attended this is the most frequent petition offered!
 
Wishing you lots of patience,
Love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Oh Judith, I have only just read your post. You know the thought that crossed my mind is diabities, i may have spelt that wrong;  you know my husband was so odd for ages and we ended up getting divorced, and it turned out he had diabeties, it is just a thought. He was very irrational at tiny things, and a bit moody, also drank a lot and was one for sugar. Judith, I am keeping you in my heart and will light a candle for you. I am glad he is going to counselling though that has to be a good sign.
godlove
Gina

Gina, thank you for that thought. It's always a good idea to rule things out. I don't know if he's ever had a diabetes test, but I know how bad-tempered diabetics get when out of balance. Another possibility is thyroid, as I and my daughter have problems there. He says he has high blood pressure, so it's possible he's had a recent blood test. He needs to do Yoga or something instead of kick-boxing!!!
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Forgot to say.........I chose an Angel card at random today, and guess what it was?
Patience

Love is the only way

Jude, I'm so very sorry to hear that you are going through so much with your son. it grieves my heart that he treats you in such a manner. I do to some extent know what you are going through except that my step-son is the one who I am having my problems with and he is only 11. He suffers from ADD/ADHD and is so very hard to deal with so many times. I just try to have the best patience I can with him but I can't help that he gets to me and upsets me because he is so disrespectful and hateful to me.  I only hope that your son can see the error of his ways and he wakes up before it's too late. I also feel sorry for Chloe as she is also caught in the middle. I hope that your son can get help or you all can find out what may be making your son hard to live with. Thanks for taking time out of your busy life to be there for so many and post so many good thoughts and comments when you are going through so much. My heart and thoughts are with you.....  
 
                                                                     mamaluvskids
 

Jude, I'm sorry that you are having an extra difficult time with your son at the moment. When my sons were small I used to worry over all manner of things and somewhere in the back of my mind I had this belief that once they were older , things would be easier as we could have "rational adult" conversations and discussions -WRONG!
Even though Bobi isn't home at the moment, things are decidedly strained between us! Long story, won't go into it but the crux is him wanting me to resolve something that I agreed to help him with for a short time, but is his ultimately his responsiblity.
As a mother I can beat myself up about absolutely EVERYTHING ( and I usually do until I reach a place where I can step back!)
Sending you tons of healing thoughts and energy that this journey with your son reaches more comfortable climbs.
A prayer of love, support and respect for parents and children everywhere
Namaste
Glenys xx

Forgot to say.........I chose an Angel card at random today, and guess what it was?
Patience

 
Dear Jude . . .
synchronicity . . .
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear all,
Well all, the counselling seems to have stopped,  at least for the moment. My Son says he can't afford it. I think I shall keep going as I really need it at the moment.
 
The counsellor and I were really shocked by the aggressive way he presented the news, and we both tried hard to get him to see it for himself, but after an hour we both had to give up. There's none so blind as those who will not see, as the saying goes.
This is the reason we can't talk to each other! I can't relate to someone who is an unrelenting wall of intimidation.
 
He kept saying HE didn't have a problem with his attitude.
 
She really did try to explain it over and over to him, even resorting to sitting in his chair and trying to act like him, but the defences were up and there was no moving him.
 
Juliana, perhaps I should give him the Rosenberg book, after all, I've still got the CD version.
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude, I am so very sorry about this turn of events. I wonder if counseling has gotten so close to something he doesn't want to deal with that he strikes out feeling cornered. I am glad that you are going to continue the sessions. I keep you in my prayers for strength and patience at this difficult time, and that your son may have a change of heart.
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda 

Peace and joy!

Dear Jude,

I also feel sorry for this turn of events. Yes, do give him the Rosenberg book. If you can´t talk to him, write him a little note saying that your Austrian cyber friend truly believes that Rosenberg´s attitude and  method present the ONLY way to peace, whether with oneself, with others or with the world at large. Let him know she sends him love, as she has a son of the same age and feels much empathy.

Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Dear Edda, yes, he was like an immoveable wall. Anyone studying body language would have seen the defence mechanism being put into place. Every time she tried to say his way of talking was intimidating he interrupted and tried to justify himself. They nearly had an argument!
 
Juliana, grateful thanks for your advice. I will try it. Thinking about it, the counsellor really called his bluff. He started off by saying he could only manage a session once a month and she explained that that wouldn't work out, and when he back-tracked a bit she pretended not to understand what he meant. I only saw this much later. If he conducts the other areas of his life like this he is going to meet problems big time.
I will put a note with the book and offer it to him.
 
Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Jude, dear one, I hate to disagree with what has been written before, but it has been my experience in living with all men and dealing with men in a companioning relationship, that the moment the woman tells the man what he needs to do is the moment he will stand like steel set in concrete and never move, especially if it comes from his mother. I can remember when our older son began high school, my spiritual director at the time very clearly pointed out that it was the beginning of the time when I needed to be replaced by another woman of his choosing, that I was to be there to support and encourage when and if he asked, but only when and if asked. I am so pleased that you are continuing with your sessions. We can never change another person and what works for us often times does not work for them because each individual is a unique person with their own personal life experiences, strengths, and weaknesses. There is that good old standard rule--I can change no one but myself. The irony of the situation is that when I honestly work to change myself and deal with my own personal bags of garbage, those around me change as a by-product because they have to deal with me in a new way.

I agree with Edda that counseling may be getting too close to dealing with something he doesn't want to deal with, maybe even because you are there and this is something that he just prefers you not know about. Know that prayers will continue but, please for your sake, don't tell him what he needs to read or how he needs to solve his problems. Unless my education has been totally incorrect, this will only make matters worse since he is an adult male who I am sure, doesn't feel like he wants Mommy telling him how he ought to live his life.

Much love and hugs,

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

A passage in Brother David´s new book "Common Sense Spirituality" (received yesterday courtesy of a dear friend) helps me to clarify what I meant by my suggestion to you, dear Jude.

I well know that our adult sons will always (have to) reject their mother´s advice. Though it may hurt, it is the most natural attitude in the world. In the case of the Rosenberg book I just thought it a waste to have it lying around without spreading its message. And if it were offered by a complete stranger so-to-speak your son might accept it, if not to look inside himself, perhaps to pass it on... So it would do no harm, nor would I be disappointed at all if he rejected it. It was meant to be (sort of) MY gift, not his mother´s...

I had written my message without having a certain purpose in mind, rather to send on their way what I believe to be vital insights for all of us if we want to live peacefully.

Here is what Brother David says:
"When you have to a accomplish a particular purpose, the main thing is that you have to take things in hand. You have to handle the matter..., to keep things under control... By contrast, if you are curious and open to meaning, you allow something to happen to you without trying to hold on.... No longer are you the one who keeps things under control or handles the situation. Instead the experience does something to you."

This is what you experienced on your adventurous journey, too, isn´t it, dear Betty?

Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Here is what Brother David says:
"When you have to a accomplish a particular purpose, the main thing is that you have to take things in hand. You have to handle the matter..., to keep things under control... By contrast, if you are curious and open to meaning, you allow something to happen to you without trying to hold on.... No longer are you the one who keeps things under control or handles the situation. Instead the experience does something to you."

 
Dear Juliana, I really like this quote. It's perfect for the situation in hand. The only trouble is..you have to be open to that idea.
 
I did understand what you meant by your suggestion to me, and I will give him the book, but not just at the moment. I need to think about how I give it to him first. I've been thinking for some time that, if he was open to what it teaches then he would benefit from it too.
 
I feel I have been given such good advice from all of you and it has helped a lot. Betty, your knowlege of men is invaluable. I guess I want and expect them to be more like women. Maybe one day!!
 
Much Love and thanks to you all, Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Jude . . .
I wrote you something regarding the trouble with your son in another thread, I think the "I am grateful for..." one.
I do think Juliana made a good point when she wrote that our adult sons are compelled to reject a mother's advice. I learned a very painful lesson with this one, one that may never be fully healed. (I do have hope though.)
Living under the same roof as you do must compound the problem dramatically. I would have a very hard time with that. Even if your son will not "cooperate" you can still be responsible for yourself, and ultimately that is all you can do. I know it doesn't make it any easier . . .
You are in my thoughts and prayers
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Jude, I'm sorry for what all is going on with your son. I kind of know how you are feeling except in my case it's my step-son and he is only 11. My heart is so broken over him right now. I only hope that he will not grow up and be like your son. I have always wished that my kids and I could have a good relationship and that they could feel free to talk to me about anything. Sadly, I have to realize that that may never happen. My step-son has ADD/ADHD and we have had alot of problems with him the last couple of years. I know that my husband loves him but my husband doesn't make him mind or respect us. My step-son's mom did alot of drugs and drank when she ws pregnant with him (which my husband didn't know about at the time) and then she left him when he was 1. So, needless to say here I am. I am trying so hard to not be so mad at him but at the same time, I can't help but feel resentful towards him and I know that is not right. My step-son it seems likes to have our family in total kaos. He is going to a doctor to talk about things but I don't think it's working. I left yesterday at the doctor so down because I don't know what elso to do. I can't keep dealing with the lying and the deceit. My heart goes out to you, your son and his daughter. With love sent your way.

Dear Joya, all I can suggest is that you keep nagging the doctors until they really hear the problems you are having with your step-son.
If it's any consolation, my granddaughter's half brother had ADHD as a child, for much the same reasons (parental drug and alcohol abuse) but he does seem to be calming down now.He is 18 and has a baby !! but has been with his girfriend for at least 3 years and seems to be acting really responsibly now. At 7 he was put on Ritalin which did help, but like your step-son he seemed to want to cause chaos everywhere. Underneath he was a lovely-natured child.
 
Keep looking after you.
 
Much Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Jude, thanks for your words of encouragement. They mean so very much to me. I am going to keep nagging the doctors as I feel like that is the only way that there will be something done. My step-son's doctor thinks that we need to join a support group for parents dealing with kids that have ADD/ADHD. It would be very hard for us because of our schedules and our other children. Plus, I love my husband don't get me wrong, but he thinks that we don't need to get any support. Of course that easy for him to say because he is never home and he never deals with Richard. The times he is home and he knows Richard is bieng disrespectful, most of the time he won't say a thing. He says that I'm too strict on all our kids. He says that I'm not letting them be kids. I was raised that you showed all adults respect no matter who they were. That's how I'm raising my kids. Jude, you just don't know how many times that Richard has about broke up our marriage. It wasn't his bad when I first met him. The doctor did also say the lying and deceit has nothing to do with the ADD/ADHD that that was personal choice. I don't know what to do. I fear that if we don't get a handle on Richard now then the disrespect and the lying and all will get worse the older he gets.    

Dear Joya, as I read your post a thought occurs to me, you and your husband don't quite agree on how to best deal with the children, he is more lenient, you are stricter. What is most important, especially with Richard, is that you are consistent and show a united front. Joining a support group may be good but not possible, but perhaps you could at least sit down with a counselor and discuss a compromise that would work for both of you. Whatever you decide, your husband should expect his son to treat you with the same respect with which he treats you. Perhaps he never thought of it this way. My thoughts are just something for you to consider!
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Joya, you are in such a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Edda has some wise words. A counsellor sounds like a good idea, and have you looked on the Web for support groups? There must be other parents near you who are going through this, or if not, you will find them on the Web.
Edda is right about both of you presenting a united front. Respect is paramount, and your stepson needs to give that to you. Respect in the home means respect outside the home and he will not learn that important lesson if he is allowed to be rude and disrespecful to you.
Maybe, when your husband says you are too strict he means you lose your temper? (So would I, but it doesn't help I'm afraid)
Homoeopathy may help your stepson too as it helped Chloe. The substance abuse in a parent or grandparent leaves a fundamental weakness in a child's make-up (as do certain diseases like tuberculosis and venereal diseases for instance) and the homoeopathic remedies help to rid the body of the residual 'memory' of this disease, which is causing problems sometimes several generations down the line.
 
Keep trying to get help with this. Your health will benefit, and your health is so important.
 
Love, Jude

Love is the only way