My Son

Hello everyone. I would like to share with you the heartache which is troubling me regarding my relationship with my adult Son. We live together with his 9 year old daughter in what used to be my house. Since my Son bought my ex husband's share of the house our relationship has become very stormy and my Son can be very cruel. He uses blackmail to gain power over me, and is witholding his share of household expenses at the moment, which is causing me great hardship as a senior citizen. 
I light a candle every night in the hope that he will open his heart and stop being so cruel. There is no pain quite like that of your own child turning against you.
Do any of you have any advice for me?

Love is the only way

I am sorry Buttington that you are in this terrible situation.  Would it be possible to sit down with your son and have a good heart to heart chat.?

yorkiemary - North of England

Love becomes a light, which shines from behind the eyes.

Welcome to the forum, Judith! I am sorry to read about your difficulty with your son. I agree with Mary that a good talk might help. If this is not possible, perhaps someone you both trust could mediate. There may be others reading your story who have more experience in such a situation, who will offer their suggestions. I the meantime, be assured of my prayers for you.
Wishing you everything good,
Edda

Peace and joy!

You mention that your son bought your ex-husband's share of the house. Did you perhaps have a contentious relationship with your ex-husband, something your son witnessed and might have made him bitter? You really don't need to answer this question, but only ask yourself.
 
You might need to get some counseling, or if you are a victim of cruelty and possibly abuse, you might have to contact Adult Protective Services or the proper authority in your locale. And how about your granddaughter? She could also be adversely affected by the situation at home.
 
I'll light a candle for you in the group Jesus. Please let us know the name of your candle group, should you start one, and I for one will be glad to offer you my support.
 
God bless you and your family,
Emil

Thank you Yorkiemary, your signature really spoke to me! I really do believe this to be true, but when you are upset you tend (or I do) to forget everything you know!!
A book about Blessing really helped me to calm down, so now I try to bless my Son when I feel the emotions come up, instead of getting angry etc. The image of the Light of Love shining through our eyes, no matter how hurt we are, is lovely, and like the blessing it works. thank you for reminding me.
Love and Light.

Love is the only way

Wishing you everything good too Hildegard. Thank you.

Love is the only way

Thank you Emil. You are spot on about the bitterness. Children, even as adults, often don't want to see the truth about their parents. Although I wasn't to blame for the divorce my exhusband has persuaded our Son that I was!!! Common story I'm sure, but hurtful for me. I have let it go, but my Son hasn't.
 
Thank you for your support. I live in hope that we will be able to talk again.

Love is the only way

God bless you, Buttington, and may He lighten your load.
Through Jesus Christ I pray and will continue to pray for you and others in your situation.
 
Best regards,
Emil

Thank you Emil. My group is named Scott. I am also lighting candles for you.
 
With Love,

Love is the only way

Dear Judith, thank you for naming your candle group. I'll be glad to light candles for you and your son there.
Wishing you everything good,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Judith,
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that your son has caused you such despair and sadness. I will join with you and others in prayer and light a candle for you and your son. I will pray for our Lord to help you, and for the Lord to remind your son of a Mothers love and respect.
Don't give up Judith and take care of yourself.
Sending you much Love,
Bluemoon

ORIGINAL: buttington

Thank you Yorkiemary, your signature really spoke to me! I really do believe this to be true, but when you are upset you tend (or I do) to forget everything you know!!
A book about Blessing really helped me to calm down, so now I try to bless my Son when I feel the emotions come up, instead of getting angry etc. The image of the Light of Love shining through our eyes, no matter how hurt we are, is lovely, and like the blessing it works. thank you for reminding me.
Love and Light.

 
I am so glad that my signature brought you some comfort, buttington, I am a firm believer that love never dies, be it husband/wife/mother/father/son/daughter/brother and sister.
We become frustrated and angry at times with our loved ones, to me these are natural emotions, but love never goes.
Just my simple thoughts.
May God Bless You,
 
Mary
x

yorkiemary - North of England

Love becomes a light, which shines from behind the eyes.

Dear Bluemoon, thank you for your kindness and prayers. I pray also for your needs. J

Love is the only way

Hello everyone,
 
Just wanted to inform you all of an answer to prayer. (thank you for your input)
I have received half of the money which my Son owes me.
 
I'm trying not to think "It's only half though." and trying to think "I have half of it - how wonderful!"
 
It's a partial weight off my shoulders. J

Love is the only way

Dearest Judith, what wonderful news. "the glass is half full Not half empty" comes to mind. This news comes on Sunday AM here and what better way to start the Lords Day. I am so happy for you. The power of prayer......I will roll up the sleeves and get going on more prayer for you. Thank-you for starting my day with this good news.
God continue to bless you Judith. And may your son realize the gift from god, a wonderful Mother.
Love,
Blue

Dear Judith: How nice to hear matters are progressing in a satisfactory manner. I hope and pray that soon all of this will be behind you and you may be able to rebuild the mother-son relationship I'm sure you both crave.
 
All my best,
Emil

Judith;

At the risk of sounding trite; "Nothing has power except what you give it"

I believe that has something to do with clear headedness.  When emotionally involved we tend to forget to look at the big picture..  Especially now that you have received at least half the expenses, step back and look at your situation from a different angle.  Using the phrase "my son" implies ownership.  When we are truly honest with ourselves we realize we never own any of our children.  Parenthood is only stewardship.  He is another human being and should be respecting you the way you taught him to respect others.  Put away all the associated guilt and deal with him on a level playing field.  Remember that tough love you used when he was younger.

gassho, rj

"We must be the change we want to see in this world."

Please light a Candle in the "zendo"

Yes, I agree with what you say. However, he is my Son, in that he was conceived and born of me, and not by anyone else !!
 
I know I don't own anyone - a lesson learned many years ago and hopefully put into practice now. I don't want to own him, but we do share a house, together with child and animal minding duties, also with household upkeep and expenses.
 
Let me explain. I refused to do something which he wanted me to do. Without going into details, it would have compromised me legally had I done it. Together with other perceived grudges, whether real or imagined, he is using unkindness and blackmail-type behaviour to put pressure on me. I am a person who will stand firm when attacked, and a bully finds that very irritating.
 
I love my Son, and dislike intensely his unpleasant behaviour, but I have always found 'tough love' difficult, so am inclined to 'sit' on my feelings until they spill over. (not good!)
 
This is a very big life-lesson for me, begun by my Father who was also a bully, as was my ex-husband. (patterns repeating themselves) My Son has many redeeming qualities which are not much in evidence at the moment, at least not to me, but they will, I hope win through. I am gaining strength and standing up to him without losing control more and more. I expect this is past-life stuff.
 
Thank you for your input. We are all here to make us look anew!
 
Best wishes, J

Love is the only way

Dear Emil,
Thank you for your kind thoughts. If you read my reply to 'zenmember' you will see that I do feel stronger. Zen talks about giving things power, and I believe that, if you concentrate on the 'bad' you will get more of it. I have been lighting candles and Blessing my son whenever angry and hurt feelings arise, and it seems to be working. (I don't imagine he is going to turn into a Saint just yet  but I can see how my attitude changes his)
 
He is currently away for the week, and has left me to look after my Granddaughter and his dog without much consultation or concern that I am unwell at present. However, when asked, he did bury my cat, unblock the drain (blocked for 7 months to annoy me) and paid me half of his debt, so I can see the results of prayer and Blessing in action. I just have to stay strong and do more of the same.
 
Being part of this loving (website) environment has been a life-saver to me. Aso interesting and rewarding to share experiences with others.
Love J

Love is the only way

I'm here for ya, J! Keep your stillness when the negative begins to 'try' to direct. It seems that's becoming the default action for you, anyway, but it's always good to hear it.
You seem much more grounded since the beginning of this thread (over two weeks ago!), which is all any of us want to see when 'one of our own' asks for support. You've built a really good start, here. I know you can finish great! Time will give you that faith!

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Judy's Candle Group: Scott.

J:
I'm still pullin' for you, hon. You're beauty is infectious!

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

I hope that things are going better with your son. Your granddaughter is lucky to have you there for her. I hope that your son starts being a better son and parent and start treating you with the respect that you deserve.
 
All of the people on this message board are very supportive and we are all here for you.
 
Take one day at a time . I will light a candle for you

With Hope each of us can have a life with Peace, Faith and Love.

Thank you Arow and Vicky for your lovely messages - much appreciated.
Love J.

Love is the only way

Adding my prayers for continued healing and blessings in your life. May love surround you and peace be at your center.

Dear Everyone,
 
An update you will be pleased to read! Tonight, on return from his week away at a Shiatsu retreat, my Son thanked me for looking after his daughter. Great! Then he asked for a word with me and told me he knew I'd always loved him. (his eyes were full of tears)
He still thinks that most of the resonsibility is mine for the breakdown of our relationship, but would like us to go to counselling to sort it out once and for all. I swallowed my indignation at being 'to blame' and gave him a big hug, and welcomed him back. An answer to prayer indeed.
 
He has obviously been doing some 'inner' work at the retreat in preparation for being a practitioner, and our conflict must have been his focus. (I'm only guessing as we haven't had chance to talk yet)
 
Anyway, please keep up the candles and prayers, as this is a big break-through and I hope and pray it continues.
 
Much Love and thanks, J

Love is the only way

Dear Judith, this is the best news I have had all day! I am happy for you that there is a good chance to heal your relationship with your son. I admire your wisdom in not getting into the blame game! I so hope it all will work out.
I'll continue to keep you and him in my prayers and light candles for you.
With much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Judith: Answered prayers, indeed. Have you seen how many answered prayers we've had lately?
 
I'm really happy for you and will continue to offer you support.
 
With love,
Emil

Dear Judith,
 
SMILES all around!!!!! I'm so HAPPY  for YOU!!!  This is wonderful news.
Will keep up the prayers and candles for you and your son.
Thanks Judith, for letting us know and making our day a better one.Please do keep us posted. 
Love,
Blue
 
PS: THANK-YOU GOD!  
 
 

J:
I think it is just lovely that the lines of communication between you and your son are now more open than they were. And, agreeing wholeheartedly with Edda, I think it is a peacefully humble attitude you took toward 'the blame.' 'Blame' is such an ugly thing, at times. And it can waste energy like no one's business! Keep your head, remember your focus. A friend of mine who is currently in the initial stages of an intimate relationship called me to bounce some ideas around (he loves debate, just like me!). He kept saying "I don't know which road to take. I just wish I could see the right way." I told him, "Maybe that path isn't in your sight, yet. But I've faith that, when the right path does come along, you'll take it." I feel that way about you, too!

On a side note:
Emil:
I can't read all the threads to keep up on all the answered prayers, but it sure does seem that every thread 'feels' lighter. And doesn't it just feel good to see someone else recieve their blessing?

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Continuing to pray for you and your son. This was GREAT news to read tonight. And Arow is right, your attitude is spot on! I pray for your relationship to continue to grow and blossom through peace and love.

You are so strong and incredible, your faith, positive attitude, and love are the things that most lose first when bombarded by something that angers or hurts us. I am praying for you and also taking notes, it's a lesson for me to see how things are moving for you I pray you are continually blessed.  Things will get where you want them to be, I feel this, God has big plans for the relationship between you and your son, I can sense this, the road is rocky but don't let go, God bless and much love.

A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
- Chinese Proverb

Dear all,
 
Thank you so much for your support and prayers. They have been SO important.
 
I think I must be strong! People are always telling me I am. I think I am spiritually strong and that is what keeps me going. All the stress has taken it's toll on me physically, and at times I have really felt mentally 'on-the-edge' but I seem to find strength somewhere and bounce back.
 
Things are still very tentative here at home. I feel we are both walking on eggshells, but my Son is still being nice most of the time, and seems to be making a real effort not to return to his old behaviour.
 
I am having a lot of trouble believing it at the moment. I think a Mother forgives her children over and over again, and I had reached a stage where I couldn't forgive him anymore. I was too hurt.
 
I'm not being a saint in not getting into the blame thing  I'm not saying I blame him, because I played my part and take full responsibility for that. He isn't able to take responsibilty for his part though, so that is an issue which will come up in counselling. It's very common in relationship problems - my husband did it too.
 
But I can't see any point in possibly alienating him by bringing it up now. I'm just so pleased that he has made the first HUGE step. It must have taken a lot of courage.
 
I always hoped the real person was still in there somewhere, and  -  Arow!!  - I lost Faith.
 
Thank you all so much. I will keep you up to date with any developments.
 
Love J

Love is the only way

Dear Judith, I am happy to hear that you have now hope and no longer feel overwhelmed by your problems with relating to your son. These may be, at times, baby steps and there may be some tumbles but all this is part of learning to walk along a challenging path.
I'll continue to pray for you both and light candles,
Love,  Edda

Peace and joy!

Judith,
 
I am so happy to read the faith in your post. I believe that change can be made in people's hearts through God's love and sharing our love. May your son's heart continue to move and may you stand strong in your faith.
 
Star

Hi Buttington;Where you are a senior citizen you can legally have him removed(?) or call elder services they have legal advice where no one gets hurt emotionally ; I wish you the best of luck with your issue.God Bless you,Judy

Thank you all for your continued support.
Edda, as you say, it's early days and there are going to be tumbles, but he has a lovely girlfriend who thinks the world of him. She will be supportive to both of us while naturally working alongside him, as she should. But she has said she will not take any 'nonsense' from him and will not accept problems being swept under the carpet, so will encourage him to sort things out properly with me.
She is like a friend to my granddaughter and treats her the same as her own 2 daughters. I think he has found a gem here. I pray he treats her well.
 
Judy, I thank you for your advice. I think I have exhaused every avenue here in Britain regarding senior citizen abuse, and have found everyone to be very helpful and sympathetic, but nothing can be done. Amazing!!!! I was shocked to put it mildly.Thankfully, my Son has never physically attacked me. It isn't really in his nature, but we do have some big issues to sort, including the money owed to me. He has paid me half as I said, so I will work on that.
 
With Love to you all, and prayers for your own concerns.  J

Love is the only way

Dear Judith, you are welcome! I am glad to hear about your son's girlfriend who sounds like a keeper. She can't change him but can be the occasion for him to change. Hold on to hope and give it time!
Wishing you a great weekend,
Love,  Edda

Peace and joy!

I am so happy to read that your son is making an effort to change. His girlfriend sounds like a wonderful influence for your son & granddaughter.
I pray that your family will resolve their problems and be happy for your granddaughter's sake. Keep showing her your love and forgiveness so that she will know what true family love is. She loves you and she loves her father. Never make her choose sides.
 
Praying for you!!

With Hope each of us can have a life with Peace, Faith and Love.

J:
I'm so glad to hear patience in your words. I think that all of the frustration that was in your inital post of this thread was simply a lack of recognition and attention. I'm not saying that is or was the root of the problems between you and your son, but I had no idea you had such a quiet, unyeilding grasp of patience (Geez - can you bottle that and send me some???). Over the course of a little more than a month, you've taken yourself from 'frazzled' and 'wit's end' to focused and open. All you really needed was to see your son making an effort at recognizing that there is something on the table that needs to be resolved and consciously paying attention to how he treats you, and vice versa.

I understand the 'walking on eggshells' thing, too. My recommendation to resolve that is this: Create an understanding between you and your son that neither of you will address 'hot' topics outside of an established environment. Basically, those 'hot' topics that are causing friction in your relationship can just pop-up at any time, hence all the anxiety and tension that goes with the 'eggshell' walk - neither of you really know what to expect from the other. Come to an agreement with your son that the two of you can promise each other to leave 'hot' topics in the counselor's office. If you and he can come to this compromise, you'll be better equipped to enjoy each other's time at home without the anxiety of 'what's going to be the big problem today' thoughts that inevitably keep the both of you on edge.

You are working towards a goal that will take the sweet passage of time to achieve. Let your patience (look into bottling that, would ya?) remind you of this as often as you can. In the meantime, laugh as much as possible!

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Dear Arow,
 
I wonder if you realize how inspirational you are? That was such good advice and I will certainly try to remember it.
 
Habits are hard to change however, and at the moment we seem to have gone back to avoiding each other which I am trying hard to find courage to alter. Also, for the first time in 2 weeks he has locked his doors while out. This is perfectly OK in the normal sense, but it represents for me the reason he started locking them in the first place, and has made me feel a bit disappointed and alienated today.
 
He's 36, but I see myself as the adult here, and should be able to rise above this feeling. Tomorrow is another day.
 
As for the patience - well - if you knew me you would know what an issue patience is for me. Lots of things in recent years have been busy teaching me patience, not least my computer. You just can't be impatient with your P.C. It doesn't respond !
Also, as you know, I have a relationship which needs patience by the sack-load.
But a parent, especially a mother will forgive her child a million times, and, as you suggest, only needs a little chink to get the love flowing again.
 
Healing (as a healer) has made me a better listener, and you do need patience for that. People tell me how calm I am, but they have no idea how churned up I may be inside. I seem to have the ability to deal with other people's traumas while going through my own. I wish I was younger because I would love to add counselling to my healing. Next lifetime maybe.
 
I agree about the laughter! I'm watching Big Brother just now on TV as that is a hoot. Laughter just is the best medicine.
Also, when my husband left, a fellow healer told me to fill my home with flowers, and I've tried to do that ever since, even when money has been tight. Flowers are also very healing.
 
Love & Light, J

Love is the only way