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 Welcome Kelly...

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karebear

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/17/2009 6:01 PM ( #21 )
I made a candle group for Kelly under the name K C
 
please use the link below for easy access. I lit a candle for you Kelly. Take it easy and I feel for all you have and are going through. One day at a time comes to mind.
 
 K C candle group
 
 
integrity is shown when no one is looking
Kelly C

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/18/2009 12:33 AM ( #22 )
Thanks, everyone.
 
I can't remember if this next incident was this year or last year, but I remember what happened:
 
my grandmother was heading by a thrift store to look for something; she asked me if I wanted to go, I said "sure" because I had no idea which one we were going to and I was looking for some books.
 
We drive out through Melbourne and as we pull into the parking lot, I feel what, to me, is a physical punch to the gut:
 
We're at one of the CITA Thrift stores; it's the same one where I last saw Will alive! After that time he stayed with us, we dropped him off there thinking he'd get a job.  
 
That last memory I have of seeing him comes speeding back and hits me. I remember I got cold chills and started shaking all over; I don't know if I was going into shock or not. I wanted to start throwing up! Instead, I was repressing my emotions and staring past her and off into space.
 
I managed to keep a leash on it until we got back in the car and were leaving. Then I wound up on another crying jag right there in the car in front of her. 
 
I remember what I was thinking when I broke down:  "God, Madeline, it's not enough to you that I have a knife through the heart over what happened; but you have to stab me in the back and twist the blades as well?!"
 

<message edited by Kelly C on 9/18/2009 1:48 AM>
dancingdolphin

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/18/2009 4:23 AM ( #23 )
Hi Kelly.  you have been through so much and im sorry it has been so hard and scary.  i have lit a candle and am praying for you.
 
dancing dolphin
buttington

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/18/2009 5:14 AM ( #24 )
Dear Kelly,
 
I agree with Edda.
 
Love,
Jude
Love is the only way
lilsparrow

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/18/2009 7:16 AM ( #25 )
Dear Kelly . . .
Like Jude,
I agree with Edda . . .

I am so very sorry that you feel so alone in your grief right in your own home!

Perhaps your grandmother did not remember
that this was the same thrift shop,
perhaps she did,
but it is clear
that your grief is not welcome in your home.
 
You must find an outlet for it
so that it can heal you,
for heal you it can.
I know this, Kelly. . .
without a doubt.
The arts can help you to move through it . . .
some people find healing and release through writing,
others through drawing or painting,
and others through music.
As strange as it may sound,
even through cooking or gardening
or other forms of creative expression
can really help if you let them.
I have done much solitary healing
in this way,
and although it often takes time,
it is worth pushing through . . .
and it will heal you.
Grace (and God)
have a way of reaching down into your heart
and soothing the pain,
if you open the inner door and allow it,
and the arts can help you to open this door.
 
Please know dear Kelly,
that you are in my thoughts and prayers
with much love . . .
sparrow
ps. You may feel like you are,
but you are not alone.
everything counts...
Kelly C

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/19/2009 2:53 PM ( #26 )
Will used to play the electric guitar; I used to play the harmonica. I remember Will saying "Kelly, you're good on that harmonica. You shouldn't give up on it."  And then he gives up on his life!
 
I have one specific G-key harmonica I used to play with him; we were both big Eric Clapton fans. I only touched that harmonica once since I heard about his suicide. The last time I played it was a few nights after I got that e-mail; I wanted to do something special as my way of beginning to actually mourn him; I found the music videos for "Layla" and "Tears in Heaven" on youtube, started them and went through the pieces on my harmonica, playing them for him. 
 
I've been keeping the abovementioned harmonica beside my bed.
 
I have other harmonicas, but I don't play them anymore because it hurts too much.
Hildegard

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/19/2009 4:01 PM ( #27 )
Dear Kelly,
 
Thank you for sharing this touching memory with us!
I hope you will play the harmonica again remembering the happy times you had with Will!
You still can play for him!
 
Much love,
Edda
Peace and joy!
buttington

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/19/2009 5:52 PM ( #28 )
Dear Kelly,
 
I hope you will play the harmonica again one day soon. Music is very healing.
 
Love,
Jude
 
Love is the only way
Kelly C

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/19/2009 8:56 PM ( #29 )
I wanted to apologize to everyone here because I think by my talking about what happened, I must have done something to mess up the forum, either in one of my posts or in a PM. 
 
Would it be better for everyone if I just stayed quiet and only lit candles?
 
I'm talking with a counselor at Circles of Care but I only see her once or twice a month. That's the only place and only times I can physically talk to anyone about my pain. The sessions don't last very long, either. It seems like as soon as I go in and say a few words, the session ends and it's time to leave. 
I've tried to get help repeatedly on other support forums; their response has basically been, "Tough. We don't have the time to hear it; deal with it yourself" and they kick me off. 
The Samaritans promised to help me repeatedly; I was in touch with them from September 18 to December 14th in 2008. December 14, they dropped support, told me "you're on your own" without telling me a reason or giving me another place to go, and left me hanging.
My thoughts after those multiple failures and from hearing the crap at home has been "I'm not worth the effort of being helped. Maybe I did something terrible in my life and I deserve this pain."  
 
I'm sorry if I ruined the forum for everyone. I really didn't intend to.
Hildegard

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/19/2009 9:50 PM ( #30 )
Dearest Kelly,
 
I am repeating what I just wrote to you in a PM. You haven't ruined anything in this forum or through any PMs, at least none that I received from you. I am not sure what gives you this impression! Is this an expectation based on experiences in other forums?
We are not about to kick you out!
You are a very worthwhile young woman with many caring qualities as shown in your posts. You haven't done anything to deserve the pain you suffer. We are very sorry that you don't receive any support at home.
Perhaps you could talk to your counselor to give you more time.
 
We are here to listen to you and support you, and we don't give up easily! 
 
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda
Peace and joy!
buttington

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/20/2009 5:04 AM ( #31 )

I'm sorry if I ruined the forum for everyone. I really didn't intend to.

 
Dear Kelly,
I'm not aware of anything that has ruined the Forum, and like Edda, I don't know what has given you this idea.
 
You are very welcome to come here to talk to us and we are ready to listen.....for as long as you like.
 
Blessings,
Jude
Love is the only way
lilsparrow

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/20/2009 7:50 AM ( #32 )
Dear Kelly . . .
Neither am I aware
of anything you have said or done
that would 'mess up the forum'.
We are here for you . . .
please do
keep coming back!
with love . . .
sparrow
everything counts...
Kelly C

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/20/2009 9:42 AM ( #33 )
I mean, I think I posted a lot of profanity somewhere; I'm not sure where it was. Last time I posted profanity on a forum, the moderators s***. I meant to edit the message, but they caught it.
Hildegard

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/20/2009 9:58 AM ( #34 )
Dear Kelly,
 
I haven't seen any profanity in your posts!
 
It is always a good idea to read and re-read what one writes before hitting the Post button. This way one can catch typos, inappropriate words that slipped in,  or anything that might be misunderstood!
 
You always have a little time to edit your message by running the pointer over "Message Options".
 
Have a great day!
 
Love,
Edda
Peace and joy!
Kelly C

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/20/2009 10:54 AM ( #35 )
Hildegard

Is this an expectation based on experiences in other forums?
Edda
 
 
Yes it is. And all of them were grief support forums I tried to join since 9-11 of last year. Since those experiences, I was nervous about setting up my account here when I first found this site. 
 
Hildegard

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/20/2009 11:05 AM ( #36 )
Dear Kelly,
 
I am so sorry you were made to feel that you will be reprimanded or rejected in some way! You are safe here! We want to help you!
 
Love,
Edda
Peace and joy!
Kelly C

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/20/2009 11:10 AM ( #37 )
Thanks, everyone. I wasn't trying to say anything bad about this forum or anyone here; I was just worried because of everything that had happened in the past on the other forums. 
  
 
I have another story I want to share that happened a few days ago:
 
I had a dental appointment September 18th for a checkup. I was in the dentist's office waiting to be called in and I got a sign that couldn't have come from anyone else but Will. The specific song, the way I heard it. . .
  
I was thinking about him again and trying not to break down, when suddenly I notice I'm hearing the background music in the office clearer than anything else; I recognize the piece instantly: Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven"!
    Everyone else in the room has the piece toned out in their heads, while to me, it's the only thing I hear.
The thought comes to me: I've played that for Will since I got that e-mail; is he playing it for me now? How else would I be able to focus on it when no one else can?
 
Right as the thought comes, I feel that warmth, that pressure on my hand again. I think, Kelly, if you don't get somewhere private now, you'll lose it and start crying in front of everyone and you don't want that! Fake having to run to the bathroom; it's just around the corner.
  I told my mother "I'll be back in a minute," ran for the restroom and locked the door behind me just before I broke down. 
 
On the way out of the office after the appointment, I get this feeling telling me "look down." I step off the curb to the street, look down and right next to my shoe is a little piece of a seashell, smaller than a dime. I pick it up to get a closer look and see it's broken into a tiny, crude heart! I brought it home and put it in a little box to keep it safe.
dancingdolphin

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/21/2009 2:12 PM ( #38 )
Tears in heaven have a special thing for me as well but in a different way of course.  dont ever think that you are bbad on the forum - i went on a forum on one occassion and it was less than helpful so i do understand a bit there.  say what you need to and know you are being heard by us.  we are standing with you Kelly, and we care.
 
with love
 
eleanor
Kelly C

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/21/2009 4:29 PM ( #39 )
dancingdolphin


Don't ever think that you are bbad on the forum - i went on a forum on one occassion and it was less than helpful so i do understand a bit there.  say what you need to and know you are being heard by us.  we are standing with you Kelly, and we care.
 
with love
 
eleanor


This is a link to a post I made on one of the other threads on the Suicide Grief Support Forum: http://www.suicidegrief.com/showthread.php?t=2224
 
I still have my account there, but I haven't been back because of what one user said.
(There's a post where she puts "not again" after she notices I started that thread "need support." It wasn't my idea to start that thread. I was ready to just give up and leave, but one of my g-mail contacts told me what to write and I posted it; he created an account with the username "someonewhocares" and made his contribution to that thread.)
It must have seemed to everyone else there like I was being selfish and putting my grief above everyone else's on that site when I was constantly talking about Will and how much I miss him. I really wasn't meaning to seem that way; I was just trying to put how I felt into words. 
That user later posted an apology; I left a reply letting her know I accepted her apology and was sorry for what I'd done to mess things up for everyone there, then I left. I haven't gone back to that forum since; I wouldn't know what to say there without messing up again.
 
I got kicked from the forum on suicide.org; they didn't even give me a reason for banning me. I got kicked for what I think is 24 hours, then after 24 hours I intend to go back and leave an apology note to everyone there before I leave the forum myself, and I can't even get in to post the apology. This note comes up saying I've been slapped with an indefinite ban.
buttington

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Re:Welcome Kelly... - 9/21/2009 6:00 PM ( #40 )
Dear Kelly,
time to stop apologising for being yourself.
 
Blessings,
Jude
Love is the only way
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