Welcome Kelly...

lilsparrow


Keep writing,
dear Kelly.
The feelings don't end,
but will evolve over time,
and so will what you write
as you move toward healing.
I am sorry that you are still so angry,
but you are where you are,
and if you are able to write it out
you may be able to move on.
I did this,
and have a whole row of journals in my bookshelf,
writing and writing and writing
through a particularly bad time in my life.
I think that for part of that time
I was filling up one journal a week.
It's ok.
Dear, dear Kelly,
you remain very much in my prayers
with love . . .
sparrow

I really appreciate the praying everyone's doing. By now, I would have thought I'd be going completely nuts.
 
I saw the music video for Caitlin Fisher and Will Snyder's "Address In The Stars" on CMT around the beginning of September this year; it's a beautiful piece, but when I heard it, the lyrics hit hard and I wound up on another all-day jag.
 
It seems like the only time I'm happy anymore is when I sleep and I'm able to see my friend again, as my poem said. Waking's the hard thing for me. Every morning, I wake up and think "oh, (insert varied profanity here) !"

Dear Kelly,
 
I can only second what Sparrow has already said!
Writing is a way to express your anger without hurting anybody!
 
I pray that one day you will wake up in the morning and be grateful for the gift!
A candle is burning for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Someday I pray,
dear Kelly,
that one day
a song filled with gratitude, life and hope
will lift your spirits and resonate
as this one you posted
has brought you to pain . . .
Listening to a very sad album yesterday,
this song by Chris Isaak suddenly popped out . . .
I have tried very hard to find an audio version on the internet for you
but could not.
It is called 'I Believe' . . .
 
I believe the stars keep shining all throught the night.
I believe if we just keep trying it will be alright.
I believe that someday we're gonna find our way.
And i believe in a beautiful day.
I believe in lovers walking side by side.
I believe that someday we'll be satisfied.
I believe the angels listen god hears us pray.
And i believe in a beautiful day.
Yeah i believe it's gonna work out ok.
But not for me, and not for you.
 
I believe, i believe, i believe.
I believe, i believe, i believe.
 
I believe there's an answer waiting when the day is done.
I believe if you just keep searching you'll find someone.
I believe that you and i just lost our way.
And i believe in a beautiful day.
I still believe in a beautiful day.
But not for me, and not for you.
I know your tried, and i tried too.
Sometime all our dreams just don't come true.
 
I believe, i believe, i believe.
I believe, i believe, i believe.
Oh...oh...beautiful day

I do believe,
dear Kelly,
that there is a better day . . .
one filled with gratitude and love
(((((♥)))))

everything counts... ♥

Two good friends of ours from my church came over yesterday evening; I didn't mention anything about what I was going through because I knew I couldn't say anything about it. I wanted to, but I knew if I tried, Madeline and Pat would get mad. Instead, I wound up putting on that front again and acting like "I'm fine, nothing's wrong". I'm okay at holding that front when I'm physically around other people.
(I was going to say "good" at holding it, but the time before this, the front crashed and I wound up on a crying jag. I hate when that happens; I feel like I should have more emotional control.)
Madeline's viewpoint when I lose it and go on a jag seems to be, "she's overreacting".  She doesn't think the therapy's helping because "she's not over it yet". She expects some kind of "quick fix" to happen. Sorry, Madeline, it's not going to happen. Last time she said "straighten up" to me, I got so angry I wanted to kill her, but I cussed her out instead. Thankfully, this didn't happen while our friends were here.

Praying for friends~
Missing a lost friend~
Kelly C

Dear Kelly,
 
I can understand that it makes you angry when people don't understand. When you feel this anger rising up in you, just take some deep breath before you say anything. Then you might say, "Madeline, I know you mean well, but grieving is different for everybody. I may be slow but I am working on it. Please, be patient!" or something like this. Or you might just remain silent, whatever works for you. A good thing your friends didn't hear you, but "cussing" isn't the answer. Sometimes one has to accept that even friends can't understand.
 
You are in my heart and prayers!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Madeline isn't a friend; that's my grandmother's first name.  Pat's my mother's nickname. I hardly ever speak to them anymore because of the way they've been acting through this. My 'mother' and 'grandmother' can both sit on a stick as far as I'm concerned now.
 
There's nothing wrong with our friends; they're more than welcome to come around as far as I'm concerned.
Last time I tried to explain what was going on to these two friends, Madeline and Pat's interruption and response to me was. . . I can't remember the exact words they said because the last time I tried to explain when we saw our friends was over three months ago, but what they said was along these lines. . .

"Kelly, don't bother them with something that isn't important".

Praying for friends~
Missing a lost friend~
Kelly C

Sorry, Kelly, if I misunderstood! I am glad your friends are more understanding of you!
 
Love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

I am sorry,
dear Kelly,
that you are stuck in this terrible place of pain and anger.
I wish that there was something I could say
that might resonate with you.
I pray that a door might be opened
that you might begin to heal
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I was in grief counseling and seeing a therapist for a few months, but last month, I found out someone transferred her.
I don't know what to do. I can't tell my family anything because they just blow it off. Maybe I'm just going crazy.

Praying for friends~
Missing a lost friend~
Kelly C

Dear Kelly,
 
I am sorry your therapist was transferred. Usually another therapist will take over! Please, do inquire who is available to you!
 
I keep a candle lit for you!
 
With much love and prayers,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Yes, dear Kelly . . .
Edda is right.
Usually someone is brought in to replace
a therapist that has been transferred.
Please keep trying
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

We're still waiting to hear if anything's going to be done regarding the therapist. I feel like I'm going crazy (regarding the nonstop crying jags) and don't know what to do.

Praying for friends~
Missing a lost friend~
Kelly C

Dear Kelly,
There is a trick you can try. Don't even try to stop the tears, but allow yourself 10 or 15 minutes only, and then do your best to stop and distract yourself with something else.
Tears are normal and shouldn't be pushed away. However, allowing them to take over our lives is not very good for us.
I hope the trick works...... If at first you don't succeed...try, try again.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Kelly,
 
I think Jude has an excellent suggestion, do give it a try!
 
I hope you'll find a replacement for your therapist!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Kelly . . .
I hope that today finds you feeling better.
As Jude has said,
do honour the tears
but don't let them control you.
You are not your pain,
but so much more
with so much to offer
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I've been alternating between the crying jags and periods where I *want* to cry but nothing's coming; I just feel drained. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I hope we hear something soon regarding another therapist because I feel like I'm going crazy.

Praying for friends~
Missing a lost friend~
Kelly C

Dear Kelly,
I do hope you hear soon that you have another therapist, as you obviously need to talk to someone about your feelings,
 
wishing you well,
Jude

Love is the only way

I hope something gets done soon, too. My 'mother' and "grandmother' think I should be out socializing, out around them, but when I lose emotional control in front of them, all they tell me is "get over it."

And then they wonder why I loathe being around them.

Praying for friends~
Missing a lost friend~
Kelly C

Dear Kelly,
 
I wonder if you actually tried what Jude suggested above, to give yourself a set time for crying, and then involve yourself completely in something else. You do not dishonor the memory of your friend by being engaged in something you enjoy. I don't think he would want you to spend your time crying.
 
I do hope you'll find another therapist soon.
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

I've been watching a lot of TV and reading a lot, hoping that'll work as a distraction. It'll work for a little bit, but the next thing I know, something will happen and it'll hit me again. Before Halloween, my grandmother had some show on; I don't remember if it was CSI or Law and Order, but it was one or the other. Anyway, she had it loud enough so I could hear it from the bedroom; and what had happened on the show was the detectives were trying to clean up after a scene where someone had taken their life. When I heard that. . . it brought my pain back, just as raw as it was the day I'd read that e-mail.
I think I went in there, turned her TV off on her, and brought her remote back into my bedroom before locking the door so she couldn't come in and get it again.

Praying for friends~
Missing a lost friend~
Kelly C