For all who have lost a Loved One

Thoughts on Loss (May 2006)

 




I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.                        - anon.


Just a week before this writing, a member of my family, my nephew, was dealt a cruel and devastating blow from life. His wife, at a young forty-six years of age, died after a long bout with cancer. She left behind two young daughters aged 15 and 12. My wife and I were distraught in that we were unable to attend her funeral; the celebration of her life. I sent the following e-mail in lieu of flowers:
 




Dear Doug;
We want you to know how sorry we are that we cannot be with you for Liette's funeral. I knew both of your grandmothers and grandfathers before they were the age that I am now and, I helped you say goodbye to both your father and mother. For us, this is the first time that a nephew has lost his partner and we cannot be there to be with you.
It is not right that you and the girls should have to suffer the loss of a wife and a mother at such a young age. My best advice is, "It's okay to cry !" And, our greatest wish is that in time, you will adjust to your new life without Liette with as little pain possible.
As for Liette, I hear she met death bravely and her work will be completed by the ways in which you conduct yourselves in maintaining her memory. There will be good days again but I cannot imagine what you are feeling now, and yet I feel so bad. Keep your best thoughts of her close in your heart; they will help you through the darkest moments of the bad days.
We hope it helps you to know we are thinking of you, and wish that we could be there to give hugs of comfort to you and the girls.
Take care of yourselves,
your loving aunt and uncle
 

After sending the e-mail I shed a few tears and took the dog for a walk in the park. While walking in the park I became acutely aware of the beauty that surrounded me. This made me look closer at what I was perceiving; the beauty of the illusion we see as our world.
 "Thought can create any experience you want -- bliss, beatitude, ecstasy, melting away into nothingness -- all those experiences. So, this can't be the thing, because I'm the same person, mechanically doing these things." - UGK.
 And then, there was a shift, a sudden wakening to the fact that I was able to see this solely through the faculty of mind; something that Liette had just given up. We speak of the miracle of birth. All too often we forget that death is also a miracle; something beyond our comprehension.
When we witness the death of a not-so-close family member, we are touched by the loss to their partner and children. We grieve for them, not for the deceased. And at the same time, because you are slightly removed and able to conjure some objectivity, comes the awareness of the finality and mystery. So many have tried to put this into words. I'm quite sure Miss Wetherald had been recently touched by death in this manner when she wrote "At Waking".
 

At Waking

Perhaps poetry is the best way to get at the crux of death. Or is it that death is something that we will all face eventually that it is too emotional a subject to confront directly. We honestly don't know, do we? There is much conjecture as to what happens after death. Some have claimed to have been there and returned. Many have tried to paint a comforting picture of what is in store for each of us. But, we truly do not know; and this becomes the obsession. When we begin to ponder the future, its always there. What is going to happen to US (as in ME)? So, naturally, we slip into a mode of making what happened to the deceased a very comforting scenario because we wouldn't want anything really bad to happen to ourselves.
 
(An invocation to the Upanisads reads;)
Lead me from the unreal to the real.
Lead me from darkness to light.
Lead me from death to immortality.
 
May the Lord of Love protect us
May the Lord of Love nourish us
May the Lord of Love strengthen us
May we realize the Lord of Love
May we live with love for all
May we Live in peace with all
 
Om shanti shanti shanti
 
gassho,rj

Dear Richard, thank you for sharing with us your thoughts on a difficult subject, your caring e-mail to your nephew, and the poem. I myself am grateful for the gift of faith that allows me to believe that our loved ones are in God - the Ground of Being - and therefore close to us. Exactly how this works is a mystery. Yes, we really mourn for ourselves who miss the ones who have died. They, I believe, have entered the fullness of life and happiness.
Gratefully, Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Zenmember,That message was great,thank you so much for sharing,God bless you and your loved one's. Judy

I have been reading the post of lost loved ones, and crying for all of you ,i also lost a loved one, most times it is very hard to think of anything else. last july 5 2007,  2 policemen came to my door and told me that my 43 yr old son was in a fatal auto accident, i soon learned he fell asleep, hit a ditchwitch along the road at 80 miles an hr exploded and caught fire, was identified by a back surgery 2 yrs before, so  he had a closed casket at the funeral, i haven,t been the same since, I am asking for your prayers for comfort and peace, i ask also but your prayers are very helpful as GOD hears them all   PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL ..LARRYSMOM

Richard,
Our fear of death and our wondering what will come after it may well be, for some people, one reason for "making what happened to the deceased a very comforting scenario". This seems a very "left-brain" explanation to me. (See the video Alchemist has lately posted!) Having been confronted with losing the person most dear to me,  I cannot confirm this by my own experience. Ever since I have had no doubt of an after-life nor any fear of death. Our relationship that grew between us through the years, cannot dissolve into nothingness. Moreover, our inborn yearning does not lead us astray. I´ll try to translate into English what this poem by Tanja Blixen says:

Up to this day no one has yet seen
that the birds of passage
have taken their way to warmer areas
which do not exist,
or that the rivers force their way through
rocks and plains
to rush toward a sea
which is not there.
God has certainly not created any longing
without providing the reality
which is its fulfilment.
Our longing is our path.

Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

 

Larrysmom

Welcome to the forum. Many of us have lost loved ones yet none of us can truly feel what another is feeling. Frequently all we can do is put one step in front of the other and 'keep on keeping on'. May this prayer bring a bit of comfort to you.
 
Alchemist
 

God, make me brave for life: oh, braver than this.
Let me straighten after pain, as a tree straightens after the rain,
Shining and lovely again.
God, make me brave for life; much braver than this.

As the blown grass lifts, let me rise
From sorrow with quiet eyes,
Knowing Thy way is wise.
God, make me brave, life brings
Such blinding things.
Help me to keep my sight;
Help me to see aright
That out of dark comes light.

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that Self may prove to be.
~ May Sarton

Dear Larrysmom, I, too, welcome you to the forum! I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you in your sorrow. I hope the support of others in this forum who have experienced the loss of a loved one will be of help to you.
Perhaps you would like to start a candle group for Larry. In the meantime I will light a candle for him and you in the ALL group.
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dear Larrysmom,
I too welcome you to the Forum and will gladly light a candle for you and for Larry in the ALL group.
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Hello Larrysmom, I am so sorry for your loss, praying and lighting a candle for you and for Larry.
Glenys

Thanks so much to all of you for your messages, prayer and lighting a candle for myself and my son larry, this site is theriputic to me just to be able to acknowledge my son from time to time, because he is always with me, i talk to him dailey, i went this morn to grave site and washed down his headstone, it was dusty...got to go GOD BLESS ALL

Larrysmom welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers for your son Larry and for your family. I will light a candle.
 
God Bless
Marie

Larrysmom. You have my prayers and condolences. xo

DREAM WITH YOUR HEART!!

Dear Larrysmom, aching heart hurt accompanied reading your post. It is unimaginable what it must have felt like after answering that fateful knock on the door. Life is never the same after the death of one's child. I ask blessings on you from another Mother whose Son died a tragic death. Know that you are held in much prayer. May the Holy One bring you comfort, peace, courage and strength to sustain you through this most difficult time.

Gentle hugs and prayers,

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Forget not the central truth that God is seated in your own heart. Don't be disheartened by failures at initial stages. Cultivate the spirit of surrender to the workings of his will, inside you and outside you, until you have completely surrendered up your ego-sense and have known that he is in all, and he is all, and you and he are one. Be patient. The path of self-discipline that leads to God-realization is not an easy path: obstacles and sufferings are on the path; the latter you must bear, and the former overcome – all by his help. His help comes only through concentration. Repetition of God's name helps concentration.

Listen to a reading of The Central Truth
 
Other passages helpful to meditation are HERE

"We must be the change we want to see in this world."

Please light a Candle in the "zendo"

I joined during the wee morning hours, but obviously all I wrote was in the wrong place. After pouring my heart out re: my mother's death, I realized no one else had been there to post since Sept. of 2007 ("Lost My Mom" I believe was the name of it....)
 
This is from my Mother's funeral.  She died May 12th of this year. It is the first time I've been able to look at it since the day of her funeral, much less read it, but, I thought it worth sharing.....  It is exactly the words of the comforting Mom I now miss more than I can bear....
 

Peace starts with a smile.

Marti, I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
That is a huge step forward........I mean it.
 
It's also my favourite poem about the death of someone much loved. It's what I was trying to say. You Mum is still very close to you, worrying about you. Perhaps she prompted you to look at the poem.
 
I have replied to your post in the other place.
 
Love and Hugs, Jude
 

Love is the only way

Marti, I am glad you had the courage to look at this beautiful poem that says so well what we would like to tell those who have lost a loved one. I, too, believe, that those who have died are very close to us. I also believe that the living and those who have moved on to a new way of being are all members of the Communion of Saints, one large, all-inclusive family!
 
Wishing you comfort and peace,
Much love,
Edda
 
PS: There is nothing wrong with adding to an old thread in any of the forums!

Peace and joy!