I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love....

Dear friends,
 
thank you for hanging in there with me.   i continue to find that the only way out of this discouragement is to reach out to others in need.   i have offered my extra bed as a back-up place for a 70 year old woman who was brutally evicted from her farm home yesterday.   i suspect others closer to her (she lives 50 miles away) are helping her.  but my friend, my singing partner, who is her neighbor was so upset for what happened to their dear friend.  i offered to be a warm, safe place, if needed, because i have been where she is now.   like her, i had absolutely no warning when i became homeless in may 2001.
 
i appreciate all the comments.  sorry i was angry.
 
years ago, when i was still pastor of a church, i used to do home visitation of shut-ins with an accompanying deacon.  one time i remember especially because of the conversation that took place en route.  lily was a feisty spirit, now with all the other feisty angels in heaven.   she and her husband came here from scotland.
 
at this point, my husband had had to go on disability for depression and medical problems without a diagnosis.  i had taken over as full-time pastor and was totally stressed out, though i tried not to show it.   lily had had six children, and the two sons had died:  one at age 16 in a motorcycle accident years before and the other, the eldest, had taken his own life at age 35.  peter's memorial service was the first memorial service i ever led as a minister.  i still remember that, when they started playing the song "vincent", which is about van gogh taking his own life, i had to fight to keep it together.
 
lily and i started talking about all the stupid, ignorant things people had said to us when they did not know what to say.   one of them said to me, after my husband became bedridden almost all of the time was:  "this will make him a better minister."  (he never returned to ministry and is now somewhere between agnostic and atheist).   then we talked about all the people who said, "god is testing you."    we got laughing so hard when we came up with this response (which neither one of us would ever really say to anyone):   "i've been tested already.  i got an a plus.  now it is your turn for the test."
 
we laughed and laughed.   there were other things, but i cannot remember them.    then, we went to take communion to our dear friend, ray, who was homebound and dying of a degenerative muscle disease.
 
this comment really resonated with me;
 
         "A broken heart is an open heart . . . "
 
that is so true.  it reminds me of the last verse of one of my favorite songs to sing.
 
          "it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance,
           it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes a chance,
           it's the one that won't be taken that cannot learn to give,
           and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."
 
                        from "The Rose"
 
 i am doing much better today, thank you.   since grace, the 70 year old woman, has shelter, i have now offered the same bed to my daughter's on again, off again fiance, who is without heat.   i don't think he will take me up on it, but i have also offered a small amount for groceries or food for the beautiful one year old dog, druss.   
 
one never knows where god will call us next.
 
please light a candle for grace and one for ed in the ALL space.   they can both use our prayers.
 
love,
butterflyspirit

Now joy is falling down, like the rain upon the ground,
Bringing laughter, bringing hope, bring love.
My heart is like a butterly breaking out into the sky,
And flying cross the heavens high above.

"A broken heart is an open heart . . . "

 
This is really what I was saying...
 
Dear Mary Lou,
I'm glad you feel better today. It sounds as if you've had a busy one!
 
I enjoyed what you wrote about the laughter. I'm finding more and more that laughter is the best response at times, and a great release.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

I too,
believe that laughter
is a great cathartic . . .
I am happy
that you are feeling better today.
Candles are lit for you,
and for Grace and Ed as well.
'The Rose' is also one of my favorite songs.
Listening to it,
I can feel my heart opening
always
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dearest Friends,
 
I know it has been almost one month since I wrote anything here.  I have been sinking lower and lower into worsened depression.  Only two days ago I learned that the cholesterol med I have taken for ten weeks can cause and/or increase depression, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, paranoia, delusions, psychosis.....    I have had the first three in increasing degrees during the ten weeks I took this med.
 
So now I am exploring alternatives such as red yeast rice, as I really cannot afford increased depression, when I have been treated for clinical depression for twenty years!!   I am glad this question of side effects finally entered my head -- what I call a spiritual nudge to ask more questions.
 
So I am hopeful that I will be doing better soon.
 
Thank you so much for your support during this very rough ride.  I will return to the site I was originally posting on.  And I have learned a lot from all of you and found a lot of love and support.  
 
Love,
butterfly spirit
 
 

Dear Butterflyspirit,
It sounds as if you got a very timely wake-up call. Like you, I would prefer to try a natural method of lowering cholesterol first. There are lots of foods that do it. Things like porage oats and almonds I believe, for two.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Hi Mary,

I can relate to your experiences because I have had depression for 12 years.

It's difficult to console someone in depression because the questions to be answered are too many. On the other hand, it may be that an answer may bring a sudden relief...by untying a knot or by triggering a process where everything just falls into place...something that Buddha experienced on his enlightenment.

I'm writing in the light of the above. I wish I could help you somehow.

I would like to share here one experience of mine. There are many suggestions for those suffering from depression and I could say something from that. Those can help but what I say below is something I have experienced firsthand...o it is something that is not merely intellectual but also experiential.

Most people treating depression ignore one glaring thing. They think depression is only a matter of the spirit and that if the spirit is strong, everything will be fine. It is true but there is more to it. What is also true is that depression is regaining of not just spiritual well-being but also material well-being.


So it may well be that a change for the better in your material life will bring you out of depression. You may come across an opportunity that brings in wealth. But for that to happen, you need to be prepared. If you are not prepared, you will not value the opportunity even if it knocks at your door. God takes residence in a temple only after it is cleaned and made holy. Till then, it is merely a building and not a temple. So purify yourself and sit pretty. Before long, God will take residence in you and bless you in all ways.

God takes residence in a temple only after it is cleaned and made holy. Till then, it is merely a building and not a temple.

Dear Aravind . . .
I love the simplicity of your quote . . .
 
This especially speaks to me today
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Mary Lou . . .
I am sorry to hear that your depression has been worsening,
but it is good that you may have discovered a cause.
Like Jude,
I believe that natural remedies are much more beneficial
if they work.
Flaxseed oil and ground flaxseed have proven helpful to many.
I will continue to hold you in my prayers,
and hope that you will find the solutions you seek
with much love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Dear Mary Lou,
 
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
It is good that you discovered a reason that contributes to your depression. You might want to talk to a nutritionist about what foods are most helpful in lowering your cholesterol. If necessary your doctor may be able to prescibe a different medication that does not affect you adversely!
 
I keep you in my prayers,
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!