I feel so alone  and sad.  I belong to another site and thought that people cared about me only  to be met with such demeaning  persecution. I thought that by humbling myself and asking for help I would have not been humiliated  but sadly some people just like to take pleasure into further kicking someone who is already down.
What hurts most is one person was supossed to be a "friend". I guess it is my fault  for asking for help but I would have never asked if I hadn't exausted every human resourse available. I need to be able to forgive those who have hurt me but I am so hurting already. Sleepless nights are no stranger to me and everything is beginging to take a toll on my physically.
Please pray for me and for those who have wrongly judged me. It was all about my spending my bill money to help save my 86year old  Daddy's cat. Well the cat is alive and I am broken hearted.
See it takes alot  for me to even consider asking for help(the site is a help site) I  really prayed hard before asking and thought maybe it was my pride preventing me from asking for help. So I humbled myself, practically begged and was met with such hostility. I just cannot understand people sometimes.
I just happy that I serve a God that cares about me and He is the only one that should judge me.
Blessings
Donna Marie

 ~The Joy of the Lord is my  strength~

Dearest Donna
 
I am sorry you are hurting so much right now through other peoples ignorance.It shows what a gentle kind person you are because you are asking others to pray for those who hurt you by judging you in this way.
 
I guess it takes a very special person not to judge and God does not judge anyone so why should we.
 
Try to think what joy you have given to your Father his cat and yourself by your caring act.
 
I will pray for you and all that you mention.Take care of yourself and remember even in our darkest times we are never alone not ever.
 
Take good care Donna...
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Donna,
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. You won't find anything like you describe, on this Forum. Most people do want to be kind and I'm sorry you have had a bad experience. Forums can be risky sometimes.
 
Do come back and talk to us some more.
 
Blessings,
Jude

Love is the only way

Deaer Donna Marie,
 
I am so very sorry you had such a bad experience! You understandably are feeling sad!
You did what you did out of love!
You are trying to forgive those who hurt you. Perhaps they are not aware how hurtful their behavior is or they don't know any better. Try not to dwell on the hurt but rather on the joy you have given your father. This is so very precious!
 
Keeping you in my hert and prayers,
 
Much love,
Edd

Peace and joy!

Dear Donna Marie . . .
To pray for those who hurt us
is perhaps one of our highest callings.
I am sorry for the lack of support you received elsewhere.
As others have said,
it is possible that people on the other forum
were not aware that they were being hurtful.
As you move forward with forgiveness
you might find that they are still your friends after all.
This crisis too, shall pass,
the bills will get paid,
even as Sandie curls up next to your Dad.
You remain very much in my thoughts and prayers
with love . . .
sparrow
 
 

everything counts... ♥

DonnaMarie
Keeping you in my prayers.
Namaste
Glenys x
 

Hello Dear Ones,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am happy to announce that Daddy's Sandie is doing much better and I am happy about that knowing I was able to help make that possible.
 
I would be lying if I said I have not cried over the continued persecution I have recieved. Now it has become even worse as there seems to be a couple of people who  are on a mission to slander and lie about me. I have no idea why because honestly if I were an outsider I certainly would not want to live my life. To say I am broken would be an understatement and I am truly at a loss at finding the right words to explain myself. I can only pray that the truth is revealed. What is worse is the site security is believing  whatever fabrications(I am not even aware of what they are) and has sanctioned me and blocked me from making any comments. I might add that I love the site and count it among  one of the few places I felt welcome and thought I could could consider the members "Family" Family that I longed so much to be a part of.
I feel what little joy I have found has been stripped from me. I have contacted that sites security several times and they told me to contact the site owner. No one seems to have any knowledge of what is going on. If this wasn't so heartbreaking it would be laughable. How pathetic am I? A soon to be 54year old  disabled woman  crying over what I feel is a ploy to get me to leave that site?  I wouldn't mind if I did something to to warrant this, but I am honestly am at  a loss to what is going on.
I wish people realized that lies hurt people. Just because they are behind a computer screen doesn't make them any less human.
Two days from today will mark the second anniversary of having to say good bye to my beloved companion dog  of nearly 16 years "Maggie". That in itself is causing me  enough pain and to have all this other hurt makes it even worse.
I just wish I knew that I did so wrong.  Maybe I was too honest and allowed people to see how broken I was .  Maybe I befriended someone that was less than sincere in their motives. I simply do not know. I have prayed and asked God to show me, I have prayed for every possible scenario and any possible person who has persecuted me, yet I sit here in tears. I am not naive to think that anyone would welcome rejection. I have lived rejection from the moment I was born and even before that when I was given up at birth. I fully accept that it is what it is and the past cannot be changed. I know I did nothing to cause my birthmother to not want me. However this is different, this situation has a reason that I obviously must have done something to create.
Am I that desperate that I am holding hope that I am at a site that clearly does not want me there? I just do not know. I would like to believe this is not the case, but how can I think otherwise? It isn't like I am not an active member because I am and I really love it there.
It is just that I have had so many losses, I am not sure I will be able to trust anyone for a very long time if this is the case.
If you have read this far I thank you. Please continue to keep me in your prayer, but more importantly pray for those who have lied and persecuted me.
Blessings
Donna Marie

 ~The Joy of the Lord is my  strength~

Dear Donna Marie,
I am going to light a candle for you now,
 
with Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Donna Marie,
 
The people who cause you trouble must be very unhappy people!
 
I'll keep you in my prayers and also light a candle for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Hi, Donna Marie.
 
I am sorry for you what happen.
Some of us had to accept, that people in some forum are like you wrote. I can understand how you must feel.
 
You will see, here is a really good place to stay,
 
much love,
is.

Dear Donna,
 
I  am also sorry so many people have let you down .I hope today is a brighter day for you and that you can feel the love comfort and support these forums hold..
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Donna Marie . . .
I am sorry for the trouble you have had.
Edda is right . . .
those people must be very unhappy people
to do such things.
I hope you will feel welcome in this place
where there is much caring and support
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

I want to thank you all for the unconditional support and love I have recieved here. I wish I could say things have gotten better but sadly they have not. I  hate to be sounding like whiner but I am hurt. November and December, historically in my life. are not the best months for me and do not hold the fondest of memories so natuarally  the impact of this persecution,rejection and betryal has a harder impact on me.
Today makes the 2nd Angelversary of having to say Good Bye to my faithful companion dog of nearly 16years "Maggie" and in a few days it will be 6 years  that my Sweet Momma was placed in a nursing home. We won't even go into the upcoming holidays, but Dec 4th will be my 54th Strange and Mournful Day(DOB) which has set the tone for my entire life.
Why do I call my birthday  a "Strange and Mournful Day" one might wonder. Well because that day went against any natural instinct in God's creation. Strange because it is so hard to comprehend how any mother could be so self absorbed enough to reject her firstborn to the point of not even wanting to know their gender. The first 3 months of my life where met with dark rooms, propped bottles, little or no human contact except to meet minimal basic needs, crys going unheard to the point of not even bothering to cry anymore, all behind closed door while the nuns went about their business. Needless to say rejection was no stranger to me and I  learned early on that I didn't matter. While most babies are met with welcome and anticipation, I was nothing  but a problem that would soon  be over.
Try as I might. I always tried to stay positive and willingly gave my  heart and all to anyone who showed any  sign of accepting me, forever holding on to hope that just mauybe I was worthy enough to be cared for. I learned quickly though to guard myself after more lessons in  rejection. The ONLY people who gave me any indication that I was loveable was my adoptive parents, basically my Sweet Momma who is now ill and I have been losing one braincell at a time  through alzhimers since 1999. She and God were the only 2 that gave me the will to battle cancer twice.
Since Momma has been ill and my subsequent accident there have been constraints on every aspect of my life and while I have a relationship with God there is still a need for some human interaction. Even still I remained guarded until I stumbled upon a website  about 9 months ago that gave me a chance to help others.
Slowly I became a part of and finally thought I may have found my "niche"in the online world within my limitations and physical  and financial contraints. I was nothing but honest and forthcoming and basically bore my soul and had no problem professing my Christianity which has been the only real constant in my life.
Thngs seemed to be going well and for once I felt ACCEPTANCE. I made some friends and began to have somewhat of an online social life. I even referred to the group as "Family" in that in families that one chooses to belong to "DNA" does not mean "Do Not Ask".
At one point a made a friend that I thought I could trust. It's funny because even with my knowledge about people online  projecting false persona's and my constant fear of rejection and trust issues I let my guard down only to be betrayed by someone under the guise of Christianity which hurts even more.
 
Now I have met some wonderful people from that site that tell me if I leave that they are going too. They have sat and watched the entire injustice unfold.
I cannot help but blame myself in some way for trusting and believing in  a group that is supossed to be out to help people. I have prayed for those that have persecuted me and told lies about me and attempted to tell those i charge of the site my side of the story yet I am being sanctioned and I have no idea what for. It almost feels like an episode of the twighlight  zone and would be funny if not so pathetic. Iguess it only serves to reiterate that if ones own  biolgical mother does not want you whay would anyone else?
Please continue to pray for me as I try and figure ths all out.
 
Blessings and Gratitude,
Donna Marie
 
 
 

 ~The Joy of the Lord is my  strength~

Dearest Donna Marie,
 
Ir really hurts me to read your painful story.
 
I can't comment as to what is going on in the other foru. Wherever you go you will meet wonderful, understanding people and those who are unhappy, and tend to spread their unhappiness.
You end with a question why anyone should want you since your biological mother did not! This does not follow at all. Giving up a baby does not necessarily mean rejection even though it may seem that way and feels to you that way. I don't know if you know anything about your biological mother. There are many reasons why women don't want to or can't keep their baby. Some are too troubled in many ways, others realize that they can't take care of a baby under their circumstances. They may be rejected by their own family for having a baby. Some don't want to bond with a baby they can't keep, which might mean they don't even want to know the sex. Giving up a baby can be a gift to a family who wants to have one and can't. We know now that not only a baby's physical but also its emotional needs have to be met. This was not common knowledge years ago. Perhaps the care you received was not intentionally lacking in important aspects.  One thing you do know that you were 'wanted' by your adoptive parents, especially by your Sweet Momma!
 
I offer my thoughts as something to consider, perhaps see yourself in a different way, realizing that this may be difficult, when you are in so much pain.
 
I keep you in my heart and prayers,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you for your kind and caring words. The reality is that I do know the story surrounding my relinquishment and I in fact knew my birthmother all my life only I did not know that she was my birthmom. I did not find out until about 5 years ago long after she passed on. It did not come as a suprise when I found out her reaction, reasons and attidute when she gave birth to me because she was always selfish, self centered and extremely manipulative. I am so grateful I was not raised by her. The bottomline was I  was not wanted by her. I was a mistake and an obvious interferance with her life style. As gently as possible she liked to manipulate me for personal gains. I would have been in the way. Logically it was for the best and  it adds up like one and one equals two, but when it comes to the heart there is no logic. 
There are reasons for adoption and some a very good ones. I am not anti adoption, What I am against is coldly giving birth and saying "Take that thing away, get it out of my sight" and having to live the first months of my life without any warmth or human touch or interaction. A life that while loved by my adopted parents I was surrounded by lies(not by my adoptive parents). Knowing that I was someone's dirty little secret and treated that way  by other family members. Studies show the importance of holding babies and showing them love. Right after birth the most natural thing is a baby bonding with their mother. I did not have that. There was no warmth, no love, no bonding. This laid the foundation and mapped out the blueprint of my life.
I have done a lot  of soul searching and praying over the years and have made every effort possible to change this. The ONLY constant in my life is the love of God. This I know.  Even still God does not want for people to be alone all the time, but it seems that each time I attempt to trust it never works, as evident in this recent turn of events.
 
Blessings
Donna Marie

 ~The Joy of the Lord is my  strength~

Dearest Donna Marie ,
 
I understand your hurting so much but Edda is right
 

There are many reasons why women don't want to or can't keep their baby. Some are too troubled in many ways, others realize that they can't take care of a baby under their circumstances. They may be rejected by their own family for having a baby. Some don't want to bond with a baby they can't keep

 
 
there are many reasons  why some people share their precious loved baby with someone else.It  may not stop your 'birth' Mother loving you though.However I do believe that  love bond can be  thicker than blood bond sometimes.You are loved so much by your family  and love is the greatest give of all.You are a gift and you always will be..
 
 

Right after birth the most natural thing is a baby bonding with their mother .

I did not hold my own baby after birth but it did not stop me trying to bond with him.All circumstances are different and even though like your 'birth' mother I too was parted from my child   I do try so hard each day to build a bond of love with him within my heart .It's hard for some Mothers and sometimes it's not always out of choice..
 
I hope your pain eases as no Mother wants to see her child suffer this way..
 
Take good care Donna
 
I would like to share this poem with you...
 
 
We are connected,
My child and I,
by An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It’s not like the cord
That connects us ’til birth
This cord can’t been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it’s there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can’t be destroyed
It can’t be denied.
It’s stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you’re not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised…
I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can’t take it away
 
 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Dear Donna Marie . . .
I am sorry that your life has been so painful,
and that it is being so reinforced by more recent sorrow.
To be adopted is to be chosen,
so you are fortunate to have had wonderful adoptive parents.
It sounds as if you love your dear 'Sweet Momma' very much,
which in itself is a gift that surpasses the rejection by your birth mother.
Alzheimer's is a terrible disease
that steals away our loved ones,
piece by piece . . .
but I believe that she can still feel the love you have for her.
Just sitting with her,
and being present to her
enriches both of your lives.
You are not alone,
dear Donna Marie,
even though it might feel like it sometimes.
God is everywhere
all around you.
Peace, be still . . .
You are in my thoughts and prayers
with much love . . .
sparrow
 

everything counts... ♥

but it seems that each time I attempt to trust it never works, as evident in this recent turn of events.

 
Dearest Donna Marie,
 
You sound so much like me! Trust has been a big issue in my life. But if you half expect people to let you down they often do. This may sound harsh, but it's been a big lesson for me and I now try very hard to expect the best. People still let me down from time to time, but I am learning to trust life more.
 
Start with yourself. Trust yourself. You feel strongly, and rightly so,  that you lacked the crucial mothering as a baby. Make this an opportunity to mother yourself. I had a lovely Mother, but since her death I have learned to 'mother' myself, and this has also made it easier for me to 'mother' other adults who need mothering. We never stop needing our mothers, and we know best what we need, so give what you need to yourself. Be the good mother that your birth mother was unable to be.
 
I agree with Edda and Sandra in all they have said. Your birth mother is really to be pitied, because she didn't know how to love. Most of us think mothers are special people....and they are! But they are also ordinary people too, and ordinary people come in all types and shapes, good and bad, with all sorts of faults and failings. Try to forgive her in order to free yourself.
 
Donna Marie, you are Loved. You are Loveable. You are Loving. Believe it. Trust it. Love yourself. Mother yourself.
 
With much Love and warm Hugs,
Jude

Love is the only way

I just want to explain that I hold no anger or unforgiveness to my birthmother, she had her reasons but it still happened as it did and it was not only her or what she did but the lack of any type of nuturing those first few months of my life at the hands of nuns.
 
I am so grateful and thank God that at 91 days old I was lovingly  placed in the arms of a Momma that prayed so hard  for a baby after losing 3 full term c section babies that were born still. I visit my Sweet Momma daily and I am grateful that my Daddy lives close by.
Even still those painful memories are eched forever in my soul. In my head I know this is logical but in my heart whenever a rejection of this magnatude takes place it is almost as I am reliving that baby that cried out for love and no one answered. I know that times were differnt back then and many birthmothers had little choice in reliquishing their babies, but there was no way of knowing the future life of pain that child would have. Many birthmothers held onto hope that their babies would go to loving homes as I did, but that does not erase the facts.
I have lived this life for nearly 54years and I know myself very well. I have talked to many professionals and for a good while refused to accept that this was the root of my feeling "unworthy" and "unloveable" I convinced myself that since I did have such  a wonderful adopted family this could not be it.
 
Life experince has proven otherwise. I know that as an adoptee I am not alone in these feelings. I have tried so hard to let this go and for the most part it is not something that I dwell on or allow to rule my life. However, past experiences do have in impact on  the present and future.
 
The very first person to point  out that this was probably  why I felt so unworthy  was my cancer doctor in 1992 long before I even entertained the notion of searching. This man had the wisdom of Solomn and knew there had to be a reason why I had no desire to go through chemo. At that point I was tired, tired of battling to live. He convinced me to give it a chance and I did end up going through the chemo and rebuilding my life for the second time.
 
 It was only after the subsequent accident in 2001 that another doctor stressed the importance of medical history given my past heath issues. At that point it took a couple of years for me to decided to search again, on the premise that "everything was Ok, I had teh best family ever" yet I still struggled immensly trusting. It was after I searched and found out the whos and why's that the pieces of the puzzle came together. It was as though the script for my life was written the day I was born and  probably a few moths before(babies in utero can feel) and I was living that script.
It still to  every fiber of my being to accept that this left an indullable print on my soul. I refused to believe that this had anything to do with how I saw myself and why things affected me as they did.
It took alot of soul searching , prayer acceptance to come to the realization that  it is what it is and that indullable print foever etched on my soul was a predestination of what was to come.
Trust me, I am not angry at anyone and I thank God daily believe it or not even for the pain. I do not believe in self pity, but pain is pain and it hurts.
It seems  that whenever I am at  my lowest point anyone that I trust has either betrayed me or kicked me even further down. I know life is as it is and not always fair and I am certainly not asking for anything special.
I really would like to know what "I" am doing that is so wrong. I know I have no control over other people's behavior and I certainly  know that I  cannot force anyone to like me or accept me.
Maybe I am too honest and bear my soul too easily, maybe being to eagar to be accepted makes me vunerable and a target for those with less than sincere motives. I do not have much material possesions but whatever I have I would gladly share with anyone and do it with a joyful heart so that isn't even the issue.
The issue is  the wounds in my soul when I trust and give all the love and respect to a person who claims to be so "God Loving and Christian" Thinking my prayers were answered and that I had a friend that had the same beliefs and values as I did only to find out after mutiple  phine calls per day that just stopped cold that this person was not living the life that  she potrayed in her online persona.
I even overlooked that and felt that I am no one to judge and I would just  pray thet she would see the err of her ways.  I knew this person was hot tempered cause that is something that was evident even in her online behavior so I would never confront her. At any rate , it is one thing to decide that you no longer want to be friends but another to conspire againt me with others causing a group to further reject me well aware that this would hurt me.
I am just using this as an example of pretty much how my life goes.
 
My question is what can I do to change it. Do I just stop trusting peopel all together? I tried that and it proved to be  lonely. Do I just roll up an a ball and allow myself to get trampled on. What I have been doing is praying and looking to God. Reaching out here even though I sound as though I am having a "pity party" Believe me, I am not. I am just so desperate and broken and need prayer.
 thank you for allowing me to pour my pain out. People IRL are beging to notice something is wrong. The recetionist at the nursing home last night asked me if I was lacking sleep because my eye don't look right. All I could do was bite my lip and  tell her I was Ok as the lmp in my throat grew and my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn't wait to get out the door so she wouldn't see the tears.
 
I do not like feeling like this. I still have no idea why I am suspended from making any comments on the other site and no one will answer me.  Oh to live in limbo reminds me again of being punished for being  concieved.
 
God Bless You all and thank you. If anything writing it all out  helps.
Donna Marie
 
 

 ~The Joy of the Lord is my  strength~

Thank you all for the candles and prayers. I honestly never saw this hostility coming and was so delighted and hopeful to have found a friend.
I also wanted to add that I have been blessed with 2 good women that I can call friends as a result of that site. One no longer participates there because she saw how people were being treated and anoth woman who is teetering on the edge of leaving. Sitting on the sidelines watching the whle thing unfold.
 
The site is a help site and the concept brings what I was raised to do(help others) into the cyber world. There are definately good people there. It is easy to get addicted to going there, at least for me with my limited mobility it was a great way to help and bless others.
 
I was accepted and people showed me they cared. I thought I had found my niche, a group that I could call "Family". Maybe I was fishing in the wrong waters , I don't know, but it was a site I stumbled upon. I wasn't looking for it nor did I ever think I myself would need any help.
Anytime I did ask for help it was very hard and I had to be so desperate when I did and only after members encouraged me to ask. Anytime I did ask for anything  though not a requirement all could be verified.
 
Little did I know it would come back to bite me as it did. I am not into drama and love an "uneventful" life. I am just so shcked at how this all came to be. Apparently the member that befriended me has the finances to help more people than I do so naturally has influence over the mases. Sadly, some people can be "bought" into believing deception.
I thank God I am poor though cause it certainly keeps me humble.
Blessings
Donna

 ~The Joy of the Lord is my  strength~