Laughter and the Positive Effects

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

 
This one needs to be pinned up in my home!
 
thank you Sandra....good to see these again.

Love is the only way

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

. . . isn't it funny
how we all have our favorites?
   ♥

everything counts... ♥

CREATIVE PUNS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He

     acquired his size from too much PI.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. As it turned out, he was an

      optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from a high school

     algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10.. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

    'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. The sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center stated:

     'Keep Off The Grass.'

15. A young boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was doing, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

22. Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

10.. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 
The old ones are often the best!

Love is the only way

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Who thinks this stuff up?!

everything counts... ♥

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 
15. A young boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. 

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was doing, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
 
Gosh that was so funny!
 
Thanks for the laughter, Betty!

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

That one made me cry with laughter. Thank you, Jude. (Have had something of a difficult day, so it was appreciated.)

Bless you,

Shady

I have always said that God created me to improve the self-image of every woman who comes into our home.  They can leave saying--"I am so much better at keeping our house clean than Betty does with hers."  Now, I have more reasons.

PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING! 

 



 
I don't do windows because ...

I love birds and

don't want one to run into a clean window

and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ...

I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt

then I'll feel terrible

( plus they may sue me.)


I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...

They are very good company,

I have named most of them,

and they agree with everything I say.




I don't disturb cobwebs because .

I want every creature to have a home of their own.




I don't Spring Clean because .

I love all the seasons

and don't want the others to get jealous




I don't pull weeds

in the garden because ..

I don't want to get

in God's way,

HE is an excellent designer!



I don't put things away because .

My husband

will never be able to find them again. 



 
I don't do gourmet meals
when I entertain because .

I don't want my guests to

stress out over what to make when

they invite me

over for dinner. 


  

I don't iron because ... 
  
I choose to believe them

when they say "Permanent Press".




I don't stress much on anything because ...

"A Type" personalities die young and

I want to stick around

and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!





REMEMBER . . . .
 




  

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

thank you Betty!

Love is the only way

Thank you, Betty!
 
You are listing some very sound principles for housekeeping!
They affirm what I believe!
 
I might add concerning dusting which my mother used to do EVERY day:
 
Dust does not run away, and if it does, open the door!
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Oh dear Betty, you are excellent !!!Both with text and with gifs!
Thank you for make me laugh!

            B E T T Y

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

 
Is that why I do that?

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Is that why I do that?

 
Well, it must be why I do it too, I hadn't thought of it that way before.

Love is the only way

These are wonderful, Betty!

I don't disturb cobwebs because .

I want every creature to have a home of their own.

 

Here is just one of my resident spiderwebs . . .

My own cleaning philosophy
is not to,
until people notice the difference
if you do.
You are a woman after my own heart!
A home with love
is forever blessed . . .
   ♥
 

everything counts... ♥

Here is just one of my resident spiderwebs . . .

 
I always tell people who notice my cobwebs, that I keep spiders as pets!
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Just received by email...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1qHVVbYG8Y
 

Love is the only way

A new 'Simon's Cat' . . .
finally!
Well worth the wait!
He captures the cat so well . . .
   ♥

everything counts... ♥

 Living Will

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and
I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw
out my wine.

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Dear Betty,

Do you mean to say the woman was YOU and it was YOUR husband who did this? In that case you have a very astute husband!
Or were you just quoting?...

Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Very Funny!
 
 
 
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

 
I found this in my e-mail this morning!
 
Forrest Gump and St. Peter
 
When Forrest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forrest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forrest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forrest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forrest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forrest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ..."
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forrest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forrest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forrest, Run!"
 
 
I had to chuckle! There is obviously more than one way to answer a question!
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you Edda. I needed a chuckle to take to bed.
 
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Thanks for the laughter, Edda!
So very silly and in perfect Forest Gump form!
It is always something unexpected with him.
I so enjoyed that movie!
I love the line..."Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you are going to get!"
 
Peace, Love and Joy!
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

I had to chuckle! There is obviously more than one way to answer a question!

There certainly is!
    ♥

everything counts... ♥

Dear Edda,

Thank you for this story, which made me laugh, and at the same time reminded me of the time when I was still teaching (young people. It´s adults now). Experience with my students taught me that there are always more answers than just one! It is good to remember this when we are dealing with people...

With Love,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Sunday Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.  It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Another Blond Story
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Hm, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

???
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighbourhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another patient, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

Answering Machine Message
"Hi, this is John ... I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm busy sorting M & M's. So leave your name and number, and when I can get back to you, and as soon as I get them in alphabetical order, I'll call you up."

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Thank you, Betty, for some morning chuckles!
 
I probably like the first one best. Poor little Alex!
 
And the third one next. John the Baptist has met his match 
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Thank you Edda ! Like it!The answers are  just like Forrest would answer!

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

I can identify
with this poor little boy . . .
Thank you Betty
    ♥

everything counts... ♥

ACTS 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, 'Stop -Acts 2:38!' (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar, 'She said she had an AXE and two 38's!'

ADAM'S RIB
In Sunday School,they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week,his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,and said,'Johnny what is the matter?'Little Johnny responded,'I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

THE RETIRED PREACHER
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya REAL SOON.

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Oh Betty! These are simply a great and long belly laughter!I soooo needed this today! Now I am just grinning in DELIGHT! Thank YOU! 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

ACTS 2:38 An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, 'Stop -Acts 2:38!' (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar, 'She said she had an AXE and two 38's!'

These are priceless Betty . . .
You can add my laughter as well . . .

      ♥

everything counts... ♥

THE FIRE DOG
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

CRUISING WITH THE PENGUINS
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

THE KIDS BITE BACK
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Short “Funniies”
Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?
A: Stinkerbell

Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
A: No thanks, I'm stuffed!

Q: Why is six scared of seven?
A: Because 7-8-9!

Q: What do you call a ship that lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous WRECK!

Q: Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants?
A: In case he got a whole in one!

Q: What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?
A: Nothing. It just waved.

Q: What did the little light bulb say to it's Mum?
A: I wuv you watts and watts.

Q: What tools do you need in math class?
A: Multi-Pliers

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder

Q: Where did the king keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Thank you, for laughter, Edda!
 
will read more on the evening, should be eat and go outside.
 
@a joyful day for all,
 
much love, Is.
 

If you want to know something about someone, listen to your heart.

This isn't a monster in the woods.....just a tree
 

 

Love is the only way

 7 Degrees of Dumbness

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two women are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second woman says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first woman hands her the compact.

The second woman looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A man was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals.
He proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The man replies, 'Oh , that's easy ... it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the woman ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a  man was shocked to find his house
ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the man
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, he moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Thank you, Betty!
 
The SIXTH DEGREE is my favorite! It makes me chuckle rather than groan!
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

Gotta be the 7th degree...blind policeman. Brilliant laugh. :)

This was in my e-mail today!
 
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT! **    *
*      *
*One Nation, 'Under God'.

One day a 8 year old girl was sitting in a *
*classroom. The teacher was going to explain *
*evolution to the children. The teacher asked  **    *
*a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree *
*outside?**    *
*   *
*TOMMY:  Yes.*
*   *
*TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass *
*outside?**    *
*   *
*TOMMY: Yes.*
*   *
*TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see **    *
*if you can see the sky.*
*   *
*TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes *
*later) Yes, I saw the sky.**    *
*   *
*TEACHER: Did you see God up there?*
*   *
*TOMMY: No.*
*   *
*TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see *
*God because he isn't there. Possibly he just **    *
*doesn't exist.

The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the *
*boy some questions.**    *
*   *
*The teacher agreed and the little girl asked *
*the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?**    *
*TOMMY:  Yes. *
*LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass **    *
*outside?*
*   *
*TOMMY: Yessssss!  *
*   *
*LITTLE GIRL:  Did you see the sky?*
*   *
*TOMMY: Yessssss!*
*   *
*LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?**    *
*   *
*TOMMY: Yes *
*   *
*LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain? *
*   *
*TOMMY: No*
*   *
*LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we *
*were taught today in school, she possibly **    *
*may not even have one!**    *
*   *
*(You Go Girl!)*
*   *
Edda

Peace and joy!

Very good!!!
 
thank you Edda

Love is the only way