Headlines

One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. No wonder our world is so confused.

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS

FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD

COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW

QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE

The mind boogles at things like this,I am confused too Betty....

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

Thank you, Betty, for these "head" lines that give testimony to the failure of using one's head!
Many are pretty funny, others just confusing. The unintentional humor is often funnier than the comics. I am sorry I never collected the ones I see in the paper that made me laugh. Though on occasion I scratch my head wondering what the headline has to do with the article!
 
Wishing you cheerful and helpful "clients" at the pantry,
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

 
These are too funny!
 
Thanks for the laughter!
Diane

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

 
For all you cat lover's ....
 
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Exam Answers
The following are all answers written by children taking exams...

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"

3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

10. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

11. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

12. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

13. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

14. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

15. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

16. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."

17. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

18. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

19. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

20. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

21. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

22. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

23. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

24. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

25. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

26. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

27. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

28. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

29. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

30. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

31. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

32. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

33. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Oh Betty . . .
These are so funny!
My favorite,
although it was a hard choice:
1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
There were a couple of really close seconds . . .
Thank you for a laugh out loud--
for several actually.
 
I thought this one was a truly interesting observation.
Actually, it's very, very true,
it's just a slightly different persepective . . .
24. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

 
They are all sooooooooo funny, but this one made me choke!!
 
Thank you Betty for a hilarious few minutes.
 
Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Betty, these are so funny! Thank you!
 
"Three kinds of blood vessels, arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
No wonder one occasionally gets a "creepy" sensation in the fingers!
 
Love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Oh Edda . . .
You make me laugh .

everything counts... ♥

I read these this afternoon and I had a really good laugh thankyou its a long time since I have had something to laugh at 
Sandy

mrs s bush

Dear Sandy,
Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you enjoyed Betty's 'funnies'
Laughter really is the best medicine.
 
I hope you will come back and share some more about yourself, if you would like to.
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sandy,

I, too, welcome you to the forum! I am glad you made such an enjoyable start!
I hope you will visit often to share your experience and wisdom with us so that we can get to know you better! There is always someone hear to listen to you and support you!

With every good wish and love,
Eddda

Peace and joy!

oh Thanks Betty.  Too many to mention that made me laugh out loud.  Sandy welcome. I was new here on the 4th of the month.  The people here welcomed me with very open hearts.  I am so glad that you decided to join.  Looking forward to reading more of your posts.  These faces made me laugh because of their utter cuteness.  Sending light, love and light and beautiful faces,  liliwings
            

No need to spend endless hours, days, weeks searching for the rainbow.  Open your heart and your eyes to see and know you are the rainbow you seek.  Rejoyce in the beauty of the co-creation of you.

Dear Sandy . . .
I'm happy you were welcomed with laughter !
So welcome . . .
I noticed that you have lost a daughter . . .
you will find that there are many people here who have lost a child
(me included),
but many others as well who have experienced other kinds of loss.
We are all ready ears and hearts,
and hope that you will return and share your journey
with love . . .
sparrow

 

everything counts... ♥

Frozen to Death
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel
to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Marketing Mistakes
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR AN IRON: Do not iron clothes on body
ON CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness
ON A KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: Keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: Contains peanuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
ON A CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

Product Labels
On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles- OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer -DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos -YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

    
This seems to be the proper response to the story!
 
The instructions on labels are often quite amazing and really funny!
Thank you, Betty!
 
Edda

Peace and joy!

                    WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL

Too Funny....
 
 
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

me too!
 

everything counts... ♥