Found in a magazine I was reading this aftrnoon.
 
From a reader:
 
Senior moment
 
"After a shopping trip I decided to make a pot of tea, and a hot water bottle for my back. The kettle boiled, I made the tea, then poured it into my hot water bottle."
 
 Sound familiar?

Love is the only way

Jude,
I guess that's one way of filling ones hot water bottle!but I can honestly say with my hand on my heart it's not  familiar with me  YET!

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love~and be loved in return♥♥  


 

How Do These People Survive?

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
-----
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
-----
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
-----
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
-----
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
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My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
-----
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....

 
Betty, it's a terrible thing to say, but I can almost see the girl. Thanks for the chuckles.
 
Jude

Love is the only way

Have a nice weekend relaxing ....
 
 
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

 
Super Squirrel!
 
 

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

 
This is just too precious!

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Dear Diane,
 
Thank you for the pictures that make me smile!
 
Love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people cope with the stress that builds during the day  

Joe, this is REALLY FUNNYThank you for the early morning laugh--I needed it! Prayers continue for Julie, the baby and you.

Diane, I love the picture of the dog "praying" with the little boy. Super squirrel and the dog in the lawn chair are priceless. Think I'll opt for the
dog in the lawn chair this weekend.

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Thank you all for the chuckles this morning!
 
Love, Jude

Love is the only way

Thank you all . . .
These are so funny.
I loved 'super squirrel' . . .
I think we have super squirrels here!
And the stress diet is delicious!
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

"10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should"

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

High definition hilarity:

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Dear Betty,
 
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to still post these lists of hilarity! I especially like the definitions! And yes, we are in need for new words for some of the funny things we do!
 
Have a great week,
Love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

 
They've obviously spotted me doing this!!

Love is the only way

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before  leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Love is the only way

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 
Tooooo funny!!!!
 
I loved the definations too..
 
Thanks for the laughter!!!
 
Thanks for making my day!

Grateful to be here!
What a gift and connection builder!
Love and Gratitude,
Love who You Are

Tsk,tsk

1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain; no pain.

3) I am in shape. Round's a shape...

4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

6) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

7) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

8) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.

9) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,they are always locking three.

10) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

11) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

12) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother in law is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

13) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Yesterday is gone forever.Tomorrow may not come. Live Fully each moment today. Look for Good Things that Happen to you Every Day.

Oh Betty! they are laughing-out-loud funny. thank you.
 
Jude

Love is the only way