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Greatful -> RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) (3/2/2008 8:11:07 AM)
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Joe..Thankyou for your response. First let me say I agree with you in many ways. The reason I wanted to go OFF this med to begin with was the various online reports I read about the dependance, or 'tolerance' you get to this drug over the long run and also like you said the fact that it doesnt resolve the real reasons for the anxiety to begin with. VERY GOOD points there Joe. Ive definitely thought of those facts (which is why i wanted to wean OFF this drug in the first place)!
Yesterday after going back on my 1 mg pill I went in to my gallery. I must say I woke up feeling 'glad' that I had my pill in me and I thought I would therefore have a very good, peaceful day. Driving in there I felt SO GLAD to NOT have the shakes, panic, head throbbing etc. (that I was feeling for the past two days).
WElllll..the first customer walked in and I began to shake uncontrollably, my anxiety and panic seemed just as bad as the day before (withOUT the pill). DARNNNNNNNN!!! Actually I was so nervous and freaked that I had to close my gallery and go for a drive. I didnt want to let anyone else see me acting this way. It was pretty scary and freaky. So...I still have my panic attacks even WITH this pill. [:(]
I really do believe I must eventually get to the 'root' of this anxiety and my panic disorder. I do read a lot of books on it and have been journaling and praying alot too.
I KNOW Ive had panic and anxiety 'disorders' since around age 14. I used to be so afraid of other kids in school that I would literally hide in bathroom stalls to be 'safe'. Many of the other kids wiould threaten to beat me up and I recall being scared SHITLESS to go to school! Ive always wanted to be 'safe'., run to a safe place where I could HIDE, literally.
(This seems to be the recurring theme when I look back on my life).
I ran towards playing the guitar at age 8 and started writing songs. THis was my escape. I recall I always felt very different, picked on, strange,'odd, and pretty unlikable.
Fast forward a few years to my early adulthood. I began singing with my guitar in hotel lounges and nightclubs for tips. I realized I had a major amount of talent but I was still a bit 'afraid' of humans. Still always felt more comfortable alone at home in my 'safety' net.
In 1989 I was discovered by a Las Vegas agent to perform in a huge production show on the strip in Vegas. I always had a huge amount of TALENT but still I acted very ODD around people and I didnt know why.
I always seemed to feel 'unworthy', 'not good enough'...scared of people etc. I even hid out in my dressing room backstage--not wanting to interact much with the other cast members. HMm..THis was a recurring theme thourhgout my lfie.
I never quite knew what was wrong with me. My mom used to ask 'why do you act so WEIRD around people?'. I never knew. It was definitely a mystery . I still found myself wanting to 'hide' from people, go into my safe place (which back then was a back hall in the backstage area, where I could sit ALONE and not have to interact with people until I was called to go perform on stage.)
Ironically when I went out on stage I could perform dynamically at times and even got very good critical reviews for my performances! It was a definitely a dichotomy. I was at times the butt of all the backstage jokes. My co workers thought I was very 'weird' and would also make fun of me horribly. Im sure I confused them too because of my 'charm' and professionalism on stage but my total ineptness and lack of people skills offstage. Some of the other performers would also ridicule me mercilessly. I was like this 'target' for humiliation it seeemed.
Throughout the years I sang all over the world with this Vegas production show and somehow got through it..the whole time acting weird and hiding from most people. BUt after awhile I just could not do it anymore. MOre and more I would sabotage myself on and off stage. I turned to an abusive husband and to doing some drugs ON STAGE even. I wanted to numb this out. I knew God gave me a huge amount of talent though.
Ironically in 1996 I was offered the starring role in this multi million dollar production show which was going to run in Sun City, SOuth Africa at this swanky hotel. They offered me the FINALE role which meant a huge amount of money and my own dressing room etc. It was a 9 month gig. I totally went into a nervous breakdown there. It was hell. Even though I was making huge money I DISPISED my life. DISPISED my part of the show and of course I still alienated myself from all my costars in the show. I felt so totally WEIRD but had no idea what was wrong with me.
After reading and studying about 'General Anxiety disorder', panic disorder and panic attacks I now realize that is what I have. (Ive never had an OFFICIAL diagnosis by a doctor though). Ive been to various therapists over the years. SOme say I have bipolar(which I dont believe I have because I dotn ahve very manic highs)..others say its ADD. (NO!). I truly believe it is the Anxiety disorders.
In 1996 I pretty much 'left' showbiz and went into a depression. I then turned to visual art. It was like my saving grace. I drew pictures nonstop and read and studied every book about art I could get my hands on. God was definitely leading me to the visual art and I did NOTHING but art for about years. I turned down some musical gig offers and pretty much checked myself OUT of the music business.
It was amazing how GOD gave me the ability to draw and I had no idea where it was leading me but this voice within me said 'Keep doing the art and your answers will come'. SO I did.
Fast forward to today. I am now amazingly making a living selling my art! I started off at art shows and festivals and I now have a small gallery/studio int he mtns of Tenenssee. (ITs defintiely a gift from God because I KNEW I couldnt perform on stage anymore--with all of my mental issues). Im grateful every day that the Universe gave me this visual art ability as a way to sustain myself financially etc. My life truly has been a miracle in many ways.
BUT.... I still have this underlying anxiety with people. At my gallery almost every day someone says something and it throws me back into my 'fight or flight' feeling. My paranoia, my wanting to hide, my fear etc. comes in and bites me in the butt.
WHile I was on this pill (ativan) for the past 2 1/2 years I was actually functioning like a 'normal person'. My bf (who's been with me 10 years) has agreed that I was a highly 'functioning' person on this med and he'd never seen me so level headed and calm......so why want to change it?? (His words).
Deep down the reason I wanted to go OFF this drug was that I really thought it was important to get to the' root' of my panic and not cover it up with a drug (like a bandaid). Instinctively I felt that if and when I took this bandaid OFF Id be left with the same panic/anxiety as I had before..PLUS I might be dependant/addicted to a drug too.
SO Joe, I DO totally hear what youre saying.
Right now I need to be able to function because I have a 3 day art show coming up on March 19 (where I will be around humans for 3 straight days and nowhere to RUN TO! lol) PLUS the busy season at my art gallery is coming up. (I have a gallery in a tourist town and the main 'season' is MArch thru December).. so I want to be FUNCTIONING again and not a total mess.
Hence this is why Ive decided to go back on this drug. I do eventually want to go off of it. I also KNOW I need other 'tools' to use when a panic attack hits me. Ive been reading some excellent books on panic, going to a few support sites for panic also that are very helpful online and am praying and journaling every day. There is a therapy called' Cognitive Behavior therapy' that I am also attracted to. My goal is to incorporate alot of these other things along WITH this drug and then eventually (GOd willing) I can let go of this drug. Right now though I do feel a bit handicapped llike this drug is helping me to atleast STAND on my own two feet.
Ive always been a very spiritual person. Im also a songwriter and guitarist. Many of the songs I write are spiritual in nature. Deep down I KNOW there is always a reason for everything..Therefore there is a divine reason for all of these mental issues and I ask GOd daily to 'help me see the GIFT within it'..and 'let me be an INSTRUMENT for HIS WILL..not mine'.
Thanks for letting me vent here. This has been helpful. YES Im going to take my 1 mg pill today. My doctor has prescribed it so I AM under a doctors care. If in the future I want to re evaluate this drug I am open to it.
Thanks for listening everyone.
Michelle
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