RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:)

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RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 2/29/2008 8:32:25 PM

Thankful one

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Joined: 12/23/2007
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Michelle,
I'm so sorry if I said anything that did not help you. I was just trying to be honest so you could be prepared for whatever happens. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. You deserve all the support you can get at this time. Please forgive me.

Post #: 21

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 2/29/2008 9:28:09 PM

Greatful

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Joined: 12/21/2007
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ahhh thanks Thankful one!

NO BIG DEAL!

I DO want to admit something to you all though ..
Welllllllll Im just gonna spit it out. Here goes...

Today at my gallery it was absolutely horrible! I had such unbelievable rebound anxiety! (WOrse than before I even started the medication!!)

Also other symptoms were .. migraine, panicky, shaky all over, nervous, anxious, head was throbbing, paranoia to the extreme, buzzing in my head etc. A few customers walked in and I could barely LOOK at them. I just shook , wanted to hide. (This is what I used to do all the time before I took the pill). I then decided NOT to hide but instead I said some incoherent blabber to them, then they left.

I saw one of my neighbor artists who has a gallery near mine. When she asked how I was I freaked...sorta hid from her and ran into my gallery. I felt so socially inept and paranoid too. It was VERY FRIGHTNEING! I felt worse than I had felt in a longg time.

Well when i got home in a total panic I got under the covers. I was shaky, wobbly and felt like Id been through the warzone today.

My bf and I sat down and had a SERIOUS long chat about this whole med thing. After an hour of weighing the pros and cons of this medication we BOTH decided that since I did so much better mentally ON this pill than OFF (and that my doctor also has agreed that I stay on 1 mg ) that I should just go BACK to the pill!

SOO I went and took 1 pill tonight. I KNOW I KNOW I said I wanted OFF but maybe I was being stubborn and/or irrational. Maybe my body really NEEDS this for my anxiety.

I am 46 years old and have panic/anxiety attacks almost all my life. Since age 14 or so. For the first time in my life I was doing very well and was a 'highly functioning human' ON this drug. My bf reminded me that for the 10 years we've been together the best I had ever been is when i was on this drug. He said it made me almost 'normal. (which it did actually. I was going in to my gallery daily, creating a lot of art , dealing with humans, thinking optimistically about myself and my future etc.) I wasnt freaking or running away from people like I used to do).

His point is that if I had diabetes or another ailment and had to take a pill to get rid of the symptoms than I would do it. Why is there such a stigma against meds for anxiety or depression? Especailly if it has helped?

Ok..so I listed to him intently tonight and then decided to go take my 1 mg pill. about an hour ago. Im ALREADY feeling calmer and like 'myself'.hmmm.

Well I spose Im back on my med! Its not like me to make a committment like I did and then go back on my word but..hey..Im human and Im gonna love me anyway for it!

I would still like to keep journaling here though. It seems like a great place to connect with spirutally minded people. I defiinitely will still be doing my meditations, prayers and staying connected spirutally..AND staying greatful:)

Post #: 22

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 2/29/2008 9:49:57 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2453
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
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Dear Michelle, thank you for your honesty! It seems what you experience today was more than withdrawal symptoms but a recurrence of your anxiety attacks which were controlled by the medication. Your BF is making some good points. I don't think there is a stigma attached to taking necessary medications. From what you say it seems to me that you need the medication. Afterall, this is what your physician thinks as well. Some people may take medication for every discomfort they experience, but I think this is not you! You gave it an honest try and don't have to feel badly about taking that pill today. I would agree with you to continue with the various practices that can help you reduce anxiety. By all means, continue coming back here and posting whatever is on your mind. We care about you and love hearing from you!

Have a peaceful night!

Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 23

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/1/2008 8:37:06 AM

Greatful

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/21/2007
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Thankyou Hildegarde. :)

I woke up today feeling MUCH BETTER (after the pill last night). I appreciate your comments. I now realize that for ME maybe this IS the right drug even though for many it is a hazard. I should not feel 'bad' that I have to take a drug to help with my anxiety BUT I really just wanted to see how life was WITHOUT it.

Now I must say I am GRATEFUL for this new knowledge that the Universe/God has made medications too and for some the meds are the way to get relief from may symptoms. Just because mine are mental is no different than people with physical issues. Today I am greatful for this pill and the relief it gives me.:)

I definitely want to use my other tools ...Im also looking into cognitive behavioral therapy, along with the prayer, journaling, meditation, etc. sooo this pill wont be a panacea for all my symptoms.

WOW it was a relief to share this news here plus to admit it to MYSELF that the pill WAS working and wasnt something I HAD to go off of afterall.

I spose my biggest fear was that id be on a pill for the rest of my life, become addicted and or dependant on it.

For some reason that wasnt sitting well with me. Now I realize that a lot of people have to take various pills for other ailments---diabetes, cholesterol, etc. etc.---- for their entire life and well..its not so bad! Its in some ways a savior for me.

Thanks so much for being here all of you. Im going to write my daily GRATITUDE LIST now.

1) My cats are all healthy and happy.
2) My bf is here and is understanding and supportive.
3) I have a gallery where I can go every day and actually make a living selling my art.
4) I dont have to work for any boss or work around a lot of people (and can work my own hours).
5) I have so many talents and gifts that I am now ready to use to do 'Gods Will'.
6) I am GLAD there is a pill for my lifelong anxiety issues. Its from God.
7) I have great friends who I am glad are around to share things with.
8)My bf just got a fultime job so my art sales will not be the sole support for ou finances anymore.
Thankyou thankyou Universe!

Post #: 24

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/1/2008 9:11:35 AM

buttington

Posts: 1821
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
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Dear Michelle,
I'm so glad you told us your news. I think you are very brave to have given it a try coming off the pills, and also for going to the gallery and trying to cope.That took a lot of courage.

I'm also glad you don't feel bad about needing to take the pills and it might not be for ever. I feel like you and would rather not be dependent, but have had to compromise over some drugs. I do my best, and I think that is all we can all do.

Have you ever done Yoga? That did wonders for my anxiety state when younger, and now I'm in my 60s and am about 75% cured. I've also had a lot of counselling support which helped, and good friends who are the best of all.

Don't feel guilty about needing a helping hand. You haven't given up because you are still determined to try other things as well. tha fact that you want to be well is half the battle.

Lots of Love, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 25

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/1/2008 3:44:39 PM

sharon

Posts: 161
Joined: 6/6/2007
From: England
Status: offline

Michelle
Don't feel bad about needing medication to help with anxiety. I am on medication for depression and have been a long time now not sure whether I'll ever be able to come off. I don't like having to take them I'm really low at the moment but if I didn't take the meds I would be much worse off than I am now. I stoped taking them once but I stopped them suddenly and without cutting down the dose which made me really ill so now I daren't stop taking them.
I think you were brave to give it a go without them but don't give yourself a hard time because you had to take one. There's no shame in needing them.
best wishes
sharon

Post #: 26

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/1/2008 5:00:42 PM

joeharmony

Posts: 160
Joined: 11/21/2007
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Dear Michelle,

I can't help feeling your last post above reflects the "justify the habit" stage of dealing with addiction, which usually comes just before a relapse.

I think it's important you're clear about why you're taking the meds. If there's a genuine need, like Sharon for depression, or pain relief for me because of a crushed spine, or any number of other needs, then they are wonderful. The problem with Benzodiazapines, like your taking, or Valium, or Serapax, is they suppress the symptoms of anxiety without addressing the reasons why you were anxious in the first place, and then they manufacture their own need, so the person has anxiety from the medication itself, as well as from their life.

Anxiety is a normal part of life, a warning the mind gives us that something needs attention or is a threat. Our western industrialised way of life has added huge amounts of stress to our lives, and at the same time, tells us we should fix it with a pill.

There are some people who have major anxiety disorders, and need these medications as part of the treatment. Other than that there are more reasons NOT to take them than to take them. They are toxic to the body and addictive, they distort the normal intellectual and emotional response patterns, they create their own need.

I for one hope you can keep going on your journey of freeing yourself.

With Love
Joe

Post #: 27

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/2/2008 8:11:07 AM

Greatful

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Joined: 12/21/2007
Status: offline

Joe..Thankyou for your response. First let me say I agree with you in many ways. The reason I wanted to go OFF this med to begin with was the various online reports I read about the dependance, or 'tolerance' you get to this drug over the long run and also like you said the fact that it doesnt resolve the real reasons for the anxiety to begin with. VERY GOOD points there Joe. Ive definitely thought of those facts (which is why i wanted to wean OFF this drug in the first place)!

Yesterday after going back on my 1 mg pill I went in to my gallery. I must say I woke up feeling 'glad' that I had my pill in me and I thought I would therefore have a very good, peaceful day. Driving in there I felt SO GLAD to NOT have the shakes, panic, head throbbing etc. (that I was feeling for the past two days).

WElllll..the first customer walked in and I began to shake uncontrollably, my anxiety and panic seemed just as bad as the day before (withOUT the pill). DARNNNNNNNN!!! Actually I was so nervous and freaked that I had to close my gallery and go for a drive. I didnt want to let anyone else see me acting this way. It was pretty scary and freaky. So...I still have my panic attacks even WITH this pill.

I really do believe I must eventually get to the 'root' of this anxiety and my panic disorder. I do read a lot of books on it and have been journaling and praying alot too.

I KNOW Ive had panic and anxiety 'disorders' since around age 14. I used to be so afraid of other kids in school that I would literally hide in bathroom stalls to be 'safe'. Many of the other kids wiould threaten to beat me up and I recall being scared SHITLESS to go to school! Ive always wanted to be 'safe'., run to a safe place where I could HIDE, literally.
(This seems to be the recurring theme when I look back on my life).

I ran towards playing the guitar at age 8 and started writing songs. THis was my escape. I recall I always felt very different, picked on, strange,'odd, and pretty unlikable.

Fast forward a few years to my early adulthood. I began singing with my guitar in hotel lounges and nightclubs for tips. I realized I had a major amount of talent but I was still a bit 'afraid' of humans. Still always felt more comfortable alone at home in my 'safety' net.

In 1989 I was discovered by a Las Vegas agent to perform in a huge production show on the strip in Vegas. I always had a huge amount of TALENT but still I acted very ODD around people and I didnt know why.

I always seemed to feel 'unworthy', 'not good enough'...scared of people etc. I even hid out in my dressing room backstage--not wanting to interact much with the other cast members. HMm..THis was a recurring theme thourhgout my lfie.
I never quite knew what was wrong with me. My mom used to ask 'why do you act so WEIRD around people?'. I never knew. It was definitely a mystery . I still found myself wanting to 'hide' from people, go into my safe place (which back then was a back hall in the backstage area, where I could sit ALONE and not have to interact with people until I was called to go perform on stage.)

Ironically when I went out on stage I could perform dynamically at times and even got very good critical reviews for my performances! It was a definitely a dichotomy. I was at times the butt of all the backstage jokes. My co workers thought I was very 'weird' and would also make fun of me horribly. Im sure I confused them too because of my 'charm' and professionalism on stage but my total ineptness and lack of people skills offstage. Some of the other performers would also ridicule me mercilessly. I was like this 'target' for humiliation it seeemed.

Throughout the years I sang all over the world with this Vegas production show and somehow got through it..the whole time acting weird and hiding from most people. BUt after awhile I just could not do it anymore. MOre and more I would sabotage myself on and off stage. I turned to an abusive husband and to doing some drugs ON STAGE even. I wanted to numb this out. I knew God gave me a huge amount of talent though.

Ironically in 1996 I was offered the starring role in this multi million dollar production show which was going to run in Sun City, SOuth Africa at this swanky hotel. They offered me the FINALE role which meant a huge amount of money and my own dressing room etc. It was a 9 month gig. I totally went into a nervous breakdown there. It was hell. Even though I was making huge money I DISPISED my life. DISPISED my part of the show and of course I still alienated myself from all my costars in the show. I felt so totally WEIRD but had no idea what was wrong with me.

After reading and studying about 'General Anxiety disorder', panic disorder and panic attacks I now realize that is what I have. (Ive never had an OFFICIAL diagnosis by a doctor though). Ive been to various therapists over the years. SOme say I have bipolar(which I dont believe I have because I dotn ahve very manic highs)..others say its ADD. (NO!). I truly believe it is the Anxiety disorders.

In 1996 I pretty much 'left' showbiz and went into a depression. I then turned to visual art. It was like my saving grace. I drew pictures nonstop and read and studied every book about art I could get my hands on. God was definitely leading me to the visual art and I did NOTHING but art for about years. I turned down some musical gig offers and pretty much checked myself OUT of the music business.

It was amazing how GOD gave me the ability to draw and I had no idea where it was leading me but this voice within me said 'Keep doing the art and your answers will come'. SO I did.

Fast forward to today. I am now amazingly making a living selling my art! I started off at art shows and festivals and I now have a small gallery/studio int he mtns of Tenenssee. (ITs defintiely a gift from God because I KNEW I couldnt perform on stage anymore--with all of my mental issues). Im grateful every day that the Universe gave me this visual art ability as a way to sustain myself financially etc. My life truly has been a miracle in many ways.

BUT.... I still have this underlying anxiety with people. At my gallery almost every day someone says something and it throws me back into my 'fight or flight' feeling. My paranoia, my wanting to hide, my fear etc. comes in and bites me in the butt.

WHile I was on this pill (ativan) for the past 2 1/2 years I was actually functioning like a 'normal person'. My bf (who's been with me 10 years) has agreed that I was a highly 'functioning' person on this med and he'd never seen me so level headed and calm......so why want to change it?? (His words).

Deep down the reason I wanted to go OFF this drug was that I really thought it was important to get to the' root' of my panic and not cover it up with a drug (like a bandaid). Instinctively I felt that if and when I took this bandaid OFF Id be left with the same panic/anxiety as I had before..PLUS I might be dependant/addicted to a drug too.

SO Joe, I DO totally hear what youre saying.

Right now I need to be able to function because I have a 3 day art show coming up on March 19 (where I will be around humans for 3 straight days and nowhere to RUN TO! lol) PLUS the busy season at my art gallery is coming up. (I have a gallery in a tourist town and the main 'season' is MArch thru December).. so I want to be FUNCTIONING again and not a total mess.

Hence this is why Ive decided to go back on this drug. I do eventually want to go off of it. I also KNOW I need other 'tools' to use when a panic attack hits me. Ive been reading some excellent books on panic, going to a few support sites for panic also that are very helpful online and am praying and journaling every day. There is a therapy called' Cognitive Behavior therapy' that I am also attracted to. My goal is to incorporate alot of these other things along WITH this drug and then eventually (GOd willing) I can let go of this drug. Right now though I do feel a bit handicapped llike this drug is helping me to atleast STAND on my own two feet.

Ive always been a very spiritual person. Im also a songwriter and guitarist. Many of the songs I write are spiritual in nature. Deep down I KNOW there is always a reason for everything..Therefore there is a divine reason for all of these mental issues and I ask GOd daily to 'help me see the GIFT within it'..and 'let me be an INSTRUMENT for HIS WILL..not mine'.

Thanks for letting me vent here. This has been helpful. YES Im going to take my 1 mg pill today. My doctor has prescribed it so I AM under a doctors care. If in the future I want to re evaluate this drug I am open to it.

Thanks for listening everyone.
Michelle

Post #: 28

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/2/2008 9:55:09 AM

joeharmony

Posts: 160
Joined: 11/21/2007
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Dear Michelle

Wow! I'm blown away by your story, and your openness in telling it. There are so many ways I connect with what you've described about the fear and isolation and being "wierd". Anxiety is a type of fear - about not being safe. I tried so many different types of therapy, and medication to try and deal with it, but it wasn't till I was 52 that I found what it was really about when I started recovering memories of having been sexually abused from the age of 2. As I've slowly and painfully healed from that (and other) abuse my anxiety and depression have been resloved.

It's also interesting that I tried the visual arts over the years, and it never really got to the core of the problem. Then 3 years ago I started writing songs and singing in choirs, and the healing and growth that came from that was wonderful. Over the last year I've written an orchestral journey through my life, and that has truely liberated me from the dark chains my past had round my heart and spirit. I've also been told by other survivors that my music has helped them in their healing journey. I'm currently working on the last piece, the future.

I wonder if you could use either your music or your art to express the roots of the anxiety you feel. You would probably find the same sort of liberation that I have.

I wish you every peace and harmony

With Love
Joe

Post #: 29

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/2/2008 1:47:54 PM

Hildegard

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Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
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Dear Michelle, thank you for sharing so much more of your story with us! I admire your honesty, and respect the choices you make at this time. You have struggled valiantly with your anxiety/panic for so many years. Being in a place of "normalcy" while taking the medication allows you to explore the causes of you problem, and other strategies to deal with them. In addition, it gives you the freedom to nurture your many gifts and share them with others.

Wishing you everything good,
Much love,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 30

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/2/2008 4:04:01 PM

Greatful

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/21/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for the kind responses everyone. Today I took a FULL Pill and I feel 'back to normal'.

Im feeling:

*NO headache or body aches
*A truly 'peaceful' feeling
* No panic
* An inner calm
* Like I can handle anything that comes up

I got to my gallery and spoke to some of my neighbors (Who normally I HIDE FROM). I decided to just 'act as if' I wasnt afraid..and ....guess what..IM NOT. I walked right up to what normally would freak me and looked my fear in the FACE. HMMM They say to pretend like its a tiger running afteryou...and you should turn around and stare at it in the FACE instead of run. Thats what Im learning to do with my fears and anxieties. (Ive been reading a lot of books about how to cope with panic attacks etc.). SO the fact that I had the pill in me let me be 'able' to even do the cognitive behavior experiments. WITHOUT the pill I was too freaked out to even DO any of the exercises.

SO..... for now Im going to accept that Im on this pill...

Im also going to continue with my spriitual practices so I dont give ALL the credit to this pill. I Know there is no magical wand, panacea that will alwyas work. I dont want to use this pill as a crutch. I will committ to you all now the following committments:

*I will keep writing my gratitude journal every day
* I will keep reading the sites about alleviating panic and doing the suggestions there
* I will keep eating healthy and thinking positive.
* I will be GRATEFUL even for this pill. (It defintiely alleviates my chemical imbalance in my brain--so its a GOOD THING!!)
*I will be KIND and LOVING to myself even if I AM a druggie.hehehe

< Message edited by Greatful -- 3/2/2008 6:21:34 PM >

Post #: 31

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/2/2008 9:11:19 PM

Thankful one

Posts: 1782
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Michelle,
I am glad you are coming to a new and powerful place. It seemed like in your previous posts you felt that you were out of control with this anxiety.

The feeling I got from your last post is definitely one of profound strength. You are staring your anxiety in the face and coming to grips with it. You go girl!

(I don't know if other countries know what this means. It does not have anything to do with the age of the person it refers to. It's a saying whereby the speaker is respectfully appreciative and supportive of a person claiming their personal power.)

I would like to tell you that the most powerful behavior I have personally witnessed in people who have gotten on top of their anxiety is a willingness to exercise regularly. It has been a lifesaver for many people who are either trying to quit smoking or deal with many of life's problems.

The way I see it is that some of us are short, many are in the middle and some are tall. It's that way for everything. You may be "short" in dealing with anxiety but "tall" in being able to express yourself in art. (Not that tall is good and short is bad, but used as a figure of speech.)

All of us need to come to grips with the fact that we cannot be good in everything. God made us all good. My God doesn't make any junk.

I, for one of many, think of you as a strong, capable, gifted, compassionate person who is making great personal strides with a difficult and long term problem. My hat is off to you in your quest to reclaim even more of your personal power.

I would also like to second the people on this site who say to you to not feel bad for taking med's. Some people just have more of one brain chemical than another. It's really okay and we don't need to make a value judgment.

No one makes fun of a pregnant woman who needs to take folate or extra iron. No one makes fun of someone who needs to take meds for a seizure disorder. Both of these groups just need something that the rest of us do not need. So what? Should they feel bad because they need to take them?

I like to think of your meds as a need for a certain vitamin that your brain needs or a high octane fuel that works great for your particular high performance engine.

God bless in your quest to reclaim more of your personal power. It is your birthright to claim it. I fully support you in whatever decisions you need to make in this intensely personal search for your health. I cannot pretend to know what is best for you, but I can tell you that you sound like you are on the right track.

Thankful one

Post #: 32

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/2/2008 11:25:58 PM

Greatful

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/21/2007
Status: offline

THanks so much you guys. I had an excellent day today at the gallery. I took one full pill today and was back to my 'normal' self (whatever normal is.hehe).

I made some sales, was nice to people and felt 'at one' with the world. Not better, not worse than. (I like that feeling of oneness since most of my life was spent as feeling 'seperate'). The Course in Miracles which I study alot talks of the EGO which wants to 'separate' but the DIVINE part of us wants to feel 'oneness'. Anyway..Thankfulone thankyou for saying....

I like to think of your meds as a need for a certain vitamin that your brain needs or a high octane fuel that works great for your particular high performance engine.

YES!! I love that. Im going to be GRATEFUl now for this medicaton and think of it in that way. I am now GRATEFUL that I live in a time when they even HAVE this type of medication whereas in other generations people like me just thought they were 'mad' and/or 'crazy' and would end up hurting others or themselves or were put away in looney bins. :)

Peace everyone..Im going to go to my bed and read with my three gorgeous cats...and count my blessings.

Post #: 33

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/3/2008 8:45:42 PM

Greatful

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/21/2007
Status: offline

MOnday, March 3rd. Well since being back on my pill amazing MIRACLES have happened! Ive had two calm and peaceful days. :)

Im SO grateful I cant even tell you how much! I feel like Im back to 'me' again..not caught in this fog of anxiety and freak outs.

I also had such a renewed sense of appreciation for my........ BRAIN!!! (since I finally didnt have those horrible side affects anymore!).

I was level headed, nice and calm at the gallery yesterday again. I totally LET GO of everything and felt more peace than Ive felt in a very very long time. I felt 'one' with not 'separated' from the world.

Today I went to the zoo and walked around in the sun. (It was 72 degrees! Unreal !!). My bf and I had a great day today and he's even commented on how nice it is to have 'me' back and not that evil Excorcist girl.

Ahhh its been nice. I also am very aware that I want to do other things to stay calm besides just popping this pill like studying other techniques for getting through panic attacks, journaling, reading , doing deep breathing etc,

All is well tonite. Just wanted to share with you all.

Peace and thanks so much for being here everyone!
Michelle

Post #: 34

RE: weaning off anti anxiety med:) - 3/3/2008 10:29:50 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2453
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Dear Michelle, I am happy for you and grateful with you!

Much love,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 35

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