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RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered*

 
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RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/5/2008 6:42:47 PM   
Hildegard

 

Posts: 2716
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		Welcome to the forum, Pam! I am so very sorry for your loss! My heart goes out to you! There are several mothers in these forums who have lost children and understand what you are going through.

Please, visit whenever you feel you might be able to share with us more of your experience and wisdom. There is always someone ready to listen to you  and to offer support.

I will light a candle for you and your daughter in the ALL group.

Wishing you peace and comfort,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!
Post #: 61
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/6/2008 4:24:18 PM   
pooks

 

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/5/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks Edda a friend of mine actually sent me to this site am I ever grateful My daughter was killed almost 2 year's ago this month 9-25-08 will be exactly two years and I will always I think be reminded of that horrible day I'm not real religious and maybe thats my problem  to and extent because I still have problems dealing with the horrific way she was taken from me and my other children. I try praying but I suffer from horrible nightnare's and fit's of crying  it's difficult for me to work on a daily basis  and I am in the medical field which you think would be easier but it's not I find myself blaming god for taking her from me so young and I live with alot of guilt as a mom I think I should have done thing's differently and maybe she would be alive


                                                                     Pam
Post #: 62
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/6/2008 5:50:26 PM   
buttington

 

Posts: 2242
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline 		Dear Pam.
Whether you are religious or not, the feelings you are having are very common and normal for someone who has suffered such a loss.
Be patient with yourself. If God exists, he can take your blame. He understands and holds you in the palm of his hand.
What mother would not be suffering the grief you are suffering if faced with the same situation? Have you considered grief counselling, or victim support of some kind?

Anger and guilt are normal stages of grief, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. We all feel this "what if"........but it serves no purpose and you only make yourself feel worse.

Try talking to your daughter. I believe she is very near you, probably longing to comfort you.

Do come back and tell us some more about your daughter. I will light a candle for you and your children, and the daughter you lost, in the 'All' group. Perhaps you have a group already?

Love, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way
Post #: 63
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/8/2008 3:31:09 PM   
Isabella Bernardo

 

Posts: 78
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Austria
Status: offline 		I will just candle a lit for your daughter - I am so sorry...

love, I.

_____________________________

The end is the way
Post #: 64
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/10/2008 2:20:00 AM   
gem girl 62

 

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline 		Debbie and Pam, I read your heart in these posts and I know what you are going through.  Reading the responses from loving caring people has lifted my depression and my heart.  I understand the anger and doubt and the heartbreak you are experiencing.  Debbie, my thought as I read your post about your dear daughter being murdered was how much I feel like you did then, now.  My husband was shot as well.  He is alive but I feel all the anger and bitterness and hurt you felt in your first post.  I stay awake at nights and agonize and fight my anger at the man who shot my husband.  Poor young man, he died and my husband lives but..........he was willing to attempt to kill my husband for a mere, paltry $80!  My husband is a police officer and he was shot when he was searching for the thief, who was waiting for him.  He never saw it coming!  He was shot the minute he rounded the corner and thanks be to God, he lived but its been a roller coaster of emotions.  I couldn't cry, and I still can't.  I don't want to because I know I will go crazy and never stop if I do.  Its been 8 months and three surgeries later.  My husband is still very weak and in recovery but this is the last surgery. 

I am apalled at the anger I have for the shooter and his family, who are all in trouble with the law.  His mother even said her son couldn't have shot my husband, he wouldn't do that!  I guess she apologized to the detectives later when they interviewed her but it hurt and still hurts.  I have been so angry and crabby.  I pray every night for God to help me through this anger and hurt.  I Realize my hubby could be dead but at times it feels just the same.  He has had a hard road of rehabilitation and when I look at him in pain, I just get angry all over again.  I get sick, I get depressed and even to the point of suicide and dispair.  Then I remind myself how good God is for saving my husband.  I couldn't blame God, I had purchased a tape by a good minister who told me on the tape that Satan was responsible for the shooting and he meant to destroy me, my husband and everyone he could.  I knew that was true.  Its a battle and he is out to destroy our faith and love anyway he can and he works day and night at it.  So, I turned my anger and frustration to the shooter and his family. 

Today it was awful, my thoughts won't even be typed because they were awful!  Thank God I came here and saw all the wonderful love you received for your grief.  Most of all, I thank God for you!  You made me realize it was okay to feel this way, I wasn't a monster and I can be angry and have bad thoughts.  The best thing, I can give it to God, ask God to help me love and forgive in every way. 

Pam, I know you say you aren't religious.  Don't worry about that.  Find something that is uplifting, that helps you cope, be it Tao, Tibetian Wisdom of the Buddah, Wicca and the good white practice, whatever is good, true and positive.  One book that was a wonderful source for me a few years ago was by His Holiness The Dalai Lama called "Transforming The Mind".  It was a wonderful book and I am going to read it again. I was drawn to the book flap at first when it said "His Holiness shows us how to cultivate wisdom and compassion in our daily lives.  In particular, he teaches us how to think more positively and explains techniques to transform adverse situations into opportunities for spiritual growth".   I will pray for the God of all ages and the true God of Love to lead and guide you to the best most wonderful path to him/her where you can find peace like God gives, like a river that nourishes you and feeds you and for Debbie as well. 

Thank you for this wonderful forum and thank you for being here and to God for guiding me here in MY hour of need. 

Erika
Post #: 65
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/10/2008 4:55:21 AM   
buttington

 

Posts: 2242
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline 		Dear Erika,
Welcome to the Forum. I am so glad you found us.
The first thing I really need to say is.......please do try to have a good cry. You won't go crazy!! You might cry for a long time, but that's OK. REALLY IT IS. If you hold all that anger and grief inside you really will be ill, and that won't help your husband at all. So that's number one.......please do it.

I am so sorry that this happened to your husband, someone who was doing his job to protect the rest of us. I understand perfectly your terrible anger, and it's normal to feel that. We have to work through all of our emotions because, if we bottle them up we become ill.

I can hear your pity and compassion for the young man who shot your husband, and also for his family. That shines through your anger and resentment. Despite the terrible deed, they are to be pitied. Their lives sound impoverished in every sense of the word.

You are strong. You have courage. You have compassion for others.

Personally, I don't believe in a Satan who is out to 'get' us. We are all responsible for what we do and think, and we have free will. God is about Love. He wouldn't create something to deliberately harm us.

I'm delighted that you are so open in your spirituality. The Dalai Lama is one of my heroes. So keen on Loving Kindness.

Please be patient with yourself. You have been through a great shock. I pray that your husband continues to progress well and that you will too. Have that cry.

Much Love and Hugs, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way
Post #: 66
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/10/2008 8:32:06 AM   
Hildegard

 

Posts: 2716
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		Dear Erika, I join Jude in welcoming you. Isn't it great that there are people of different time zones in the forum who can respond while the others are still asleep? I am glad you found this caring cyber-family where you can safely share what is in your mind and heart.
My heart goes out to you as you experience these overwhelming feelings due to your husband's being shot and seriously wounded.There is not much I can add to what Jude has already said. Do cry and let out these angry feelings which are so very understandable. They don't hurt the shooter or his family, but, in the long run, you! There is a lot of wisdom to be found in books that you will be able to use when you are ready for it.

I will light a candle for you in the ALL group,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!
Post #: 67
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/10/2008 2:06:57 PM   
gem girl 62

 

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline 		Jude and Edda, thanks so much for your caring and supportive words.  I'm just so grateful that I found this forum.  I tuned in to Joyce Meyer today and she had a message that was so directly related to what I have been feeling.  I just saw a police bulletin where they had a memorial to a Tucson officer who passed away from his injuries in a shoot out a few months ago and I realize how lucky my husband is and how lucky I am.  I feel so bad for his family.  Its funny, my husband is a man who is not upset by this whole thing and he is much more spiritually mature in accepting things than I.  He doesn't even have PTSD, which surprises the police psych.  Me, I'm the basket case.  I just don't want to cry or fall apart because that upsets my husband.  He isn't too much into being emotionally there for those who hurt.  He can't relate as he is an up person with a good attitude all of the time, something hard to do but he does and always has.  He doesn't even understand why the officer who had to kill the thief is so upset over it..........it doesn't compute to him; he is a true warrior and descends from the Japanese warriors.  He descends from those who knew mortal combat as a way of life so I think its genetic for him, I really do.  He understands that a warrior will kill and be killed and its that simple for him.  He can forgive and forget and move on. 

Me, my flesh wars with my good spirit and I am in conflicting emotions every day over this.  I have severe PTSD which wasn't helped by this whole event for sure.  I am even beginning to understand why police wives divorce and leave, its easier to leave than to see someone you love get cut down and leave you.  The pain is just unbearable. 

He can take a pain pill for his pain now, me............no pain pill will fix what I am going through.  Its very hard for me as most people today are all into being positive and they simply don't want to or refuse to hear a person crying out in pain.  I even had a friend tell me that she can't help me or even want to be there for me as her life is full and happy and she just won't allow any kind of unhappiness or bad thought enter into her perfect,. controlled, planned life.  She essentially cuts me off if I try to express my feelings that don't fit into her Joel Osteen positive set of mind.  Keep in mind, this woman has lived a charmed life, has plenty of money, a wonderful husband, a big house that she dotes on and she has no room for any negativity.  She gives it all to God and is happy and doesn't want to dwell on anything that would mess up her perfect life.  This was supposedly my dearest friend.  She still wants to maintain our friendship because she sees my good points but she won't even try to help me out of my negativity and sadness except to say "give it to God".  At this point I have decided I don't need a fair weather friend who won't come out of her perfect castle to help a friend other than hand me platitudes.  She and people like her are the main reason I have isolated myself from people because really, face to face, people don't want to enter into my world to help me at all because they feel it will bring them down and that I need to snap out of it or put on a fake happy face so they can tell me how brave I am.  If anyone tells me I am brave, I want to laugh in their face!  If they ONLY KNEW!  Its a struggle to keep from just curling up and dying and I am sick of smiling and putting on a happy face for everyone so they can feel comfortable while secretly, I am screaming in pain inside. 

So, I am giving it to God but I still feel negative and bad.  I still hurt and am angry and sad.  But, I am trying. one day at a time.   
Post #: 68
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/10/2008 3:13:40 PM   
gem girl 62

 

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline 		I also wanted to add that I think I am feeling very betrayed by my friend.  Its very hard for me to open up to people and call out for help; I have very limited trust due to other people betraying me in my greatest hours of need so I don't and won't open up to anyone because of fear of rejection and them not liking me or understanding me, which most of the time has proven true.  So, after 18 years of a friendship with this woman, she is always upbeat and kind to everyone on a superficial level, I decided to ask her to help me and just listen while I sorted my emotions and negativity out..................then wham, she can't or to be more precise, won't do it was a slap in my face.  I have three people I deeply trust in life, she was one of them...............it hurts to know that a so-called spiritual, Christian person can cut you off because she doesn't want to deal with the negativity in her perfect life.  I feel like a fool for trusting her for 18 years; I am usually better at judging people than that.  My husband never liked her and always thought of her as the person she is.  He was a lot more astute than I in this matter for sure.  But in my worst moment, I had no one to turn to that was near me other than my husband, who doesn't need it right now.  My best friend is in Seattle and he calls and listens but I just needed someone close to hold my hand and help me through it; I can do it myself with God's help but sometimes we just need a human being to listen, care and be a sounding board without judging or giving advice.  I remember a movie I saw years ago called "Mass Appeal" and two priests discussed that very thing.  The one older priest tried to give platitudes and cheer when a person was grieving; the other noted that and tried to tell him that when a person is grieving, most of the time its best to just listen, encourage and most of all, hold their hand.  So, my hurt is due to the betrayal of friendship and all the wasted years I put into that friendship.................when really, it was all a kiss air friendship and nothing more.  It will make me harder to trust anyone with my deepest thoughts again that I know.  Here, I can pour them out and you don't really know me, which is a good thing.  I feel safe and can withdraw without being hurt.  I won't go to a psych either, they judge in their own way for sure and label you..............I am waaaay too complex a person for that.  It takes me millions of words to get around to my deepest wounds.  I can here because I know my deepest wounds won't be messed with.  Thanks for listening everyone. 

Erika
Post #: 69
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/10/2008 7:56:44 PM   
buttington

 

Posts: 2242
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline 		Bless you Erika,
You are right when you say you can come here and pour your heart out. Please do.
I hope you will reach a point where you feel you can ask for some professional help. A trauma counsellor would be much better than a psychoanalyst.

I feel for you when you describe your friend who has let you down. Some people just can't take other people's troubles and truamas. It usually means they have some of their own and they can't bear to admit to themselves that they do. Your problems would force them to look at themselves, and maybe your friend is afraid you are asking her to 'fix' you. Some people think they have to do something to help distressed friends.

But I agree when you say you just need someone to hold your hand and listen. I can relate to that feeling. As a healer I have been taught the importance of just listening, and when I'm hurting that is what I feel I need most.

I understand that you don't want to cry and be upset in front of your husband, but you could let go when on your own. It's nature's way of letting out the pressure that pain and suffering cause to build up in you. Nothing will happen to you. You may not feel better at first, there might have to be a lot of tears before you do, but I think it is essential that you cry......shout.......scream! beat or kick cushions....whatever you feel you need to do. You will than be better equipped to support your husband. Maybe you feel just a bit angry with him, because he is not as upset as you are? These are all natural feelings.

We may not be able to physically hold your hand, but we can listen and we do care.

Love and Hugs, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way
Post #: 70
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/10/2008 10:04:05 PM   
Hildegard

 

Posts: 2716
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		Dearest Erika, I just got a chance now to read your post. Please, don't beat up on yourself for trusting a friend for 18 years who turned out to be a fair-weather friend. I agree with Jude that her so perfect appearing life may not really be so perfect and she does not have the strength to be there, when the going gets rough. How would you have known until the friendship was tested? I understand how you long for someone physically present willing to just listen without passing judgment and trying to fix things. From experience I know that it is hard to be present to raw emotions because one feels so helpless, a difficult feeling. One wants to comfort, and take away the pain. I learned that just being present is the greatest gift one can offer.
Your husband has his own way of dealing with what happened to him, a way not unusual for men. Men often have difficulty expressing their feelings. I would think he is aware of how you feel even though you try to spare him. Might it help to sit with him watching a movie or listening to music you enjoy, just holding hands? My husband was disabled through an accident some 18 months ago, and we find that some skin to skin contact is soothing to both of us even if it is just rubbing in some skin lotion.

These are just some thoughts that come to mind as I listen to you.

I keep you in my heart and prayers,
Much love and many warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!
Post #: 71
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/11/2008 2:49:52 PM   
gem girl 62

 

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline 		Edda and Jude, just having you listen to me has helped me so much. I wish you so much blessing and favor for doing this.  Its so true that healing can come from someone just listening, for me anyway it works! 

Edda, I really am so glad that Ricky isn't angry or feels the way I do.  He is so stable emotionally and is so centered and grounded that its just a blessing to me that he doesn't feel the way I do.  It makes me feel good that he is taking it so well because that means he won't have problems with it later.  I'm so glad he is stable and not emotionally delicate like me. 

Today is a new day and I determined that the friend I thought I had was not and to leave it behind me.  I remember hearing a series by a minister I like and he said when we loose something that is valuable to us, we should remember Job, who lost all and in the end, God restored it all and gave back double his loss and he was better off than he was before.  I lost a friend who I thought would care and listen and guess what, I gained two people who not only listened with love but reached out and gave me what I needed by two!  Good odds!  Thanks!  I'm doing the Snoopy dance today thank to you ladies. 
Post #: 72
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/11/2008 3:54:39 PM   
buttington

 

Posts: 2242
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline 		Dear Erika,
I'm glad you had a better day today. Do lots of nurturing things for you! Have a favourite meal, treat yourself to something nice.......you deserve it.

Much Love, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way
Post #: 73
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/11/2008 9:22:19 PM   
Hildegard

 

Posts: 2716
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		Dear Erika, I am so glad we could be of help to you! Each day is a NEW day and we are given the strength for it, one day at a time!  "Give us this day our daily bread!"

I am glad Ricky is so solid and emotianally stable. Allow him to support you, for you to draw strength from him! When I suggested that you might do some things tother it was not just for his benefit!

Please, come back here as often as you like! We are happy to listen to you!

Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!
Post #: 74
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/12/2008 11:47:04 AM   
Lynn

 

Posts: 904
Joined: 9/3/2006
From: Phillipsport, NY
Status: offline 		Dear Erika, Forgive my lateness in welcoming you, but I am glad you found this forum.
I too lost a 'good' friend after my son passed. She had experienced the loss of her child 16 years ago and I thought we would have become closer. Instead the opposite happened and she turned away from me. It took me awhile to get over losing her, but I found many more loving, caring and compassionate friends here. Ones that have time to listen, offer great advice, and someone is always there when you need them.
I'll pray everyday for your husbands recovery and yours as well. Blessings. Lynn

_____________________________

DREAM WITH YOUR HEART!!
Post #: 75
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/14/2008 12:30:56 AM   
gem girl 62

 

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline 		Lynn, I'm so sorry you lost your friend.  It hurts but I know that the Gods have something better in store for us in the friend category.

Ladies, thanks for all you help and the shoulders to cry on.  I am feeling so much better these past few days. 

Blessings to each of you. 
Post #: 76
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/14/2008 8:20:19 AM   
Hildegard

 

Posts: 2716
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		Dear Erika,

I am happy and grateful that you are feeling better! The best news this morning! (My coffee machine just gave up the ghost mid-cycle!)
Do keep coming back and tell us how you are doing. We are always here to listen to you!

Have a great Sunday!
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!
Post #: 77
RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 9/14/2008 1:08:25 PM   
buttington

 

Posts: 2242
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline 		Erika, it's great to hear you are feeling better. Glad we were able to help.

Love, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way
Post #: 78
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