Loss of my daughter *Murdered*

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Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 12:27:54 AM

flgirl

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

How do I learn to deal with the horror? The loss of my daughter. I have loss my loved ones but never a child. My daughter was a single 27 yr old mother. I have never in my life felt the pain I am. I try to explain it and I just can't. There are so many ways you can say you feel but there is not enough words in the dictionary to explain the pain. This is a Mother's Nightmare. My daughter was not only my child she was my best friend. One person said a Black hole in your heart. IT feel like a black hole that you can not dig your way out of. I try to stay busy but i still break down The night time is the worse. when everyone is in bed and I am up. can't sleep. The horrible call, Living through this nightmare over and over again. not even being there when this happen. But in my head when I try to go to sleep I can see myself there and trying to get to my daughter and protect her and yell at her. and nothing I say or do helps. I am trying my best to get to her and I am not going anywhere. I just keep seeing her being shot and I can't stop it and I can't help her and I can't protect her. This goes through my head all the time at night. I wasn't even there and I see this in my head. Please someeone out there have you gone through this or are you going through this. Please I need advise of how to deal with this. I am totally lost.

Post #: 1

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 1:01:30 AM

J1937

Posts: 681
Joined: 6/25/2007
From: Austria/Europe
Status: offline

Dear Debra,
My heart goes out to you! I feel so sorry for the loss you have suffered. Words are a poor means when there is so much grief, but I hope they let you know of my deep and sincere compassion. I pray that you may be able to let go of the terrifying images and see comforting ones instead: your beloved daughter in the arms of God, who is all LOVE, holding her, gently caressing her, taking care of her as no one on earth can... If a mother can love so deeply - how big and all embracing is the love of the Holy One? Try to see her at peace, being near you in spirit, wanting to comfort you. May you find peace, too. I will be thinking of you and praying for you with all my love.

Warm hugs,
Juliana

Post #: 2

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 1:05:47 AM

flgirl

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

How do I go on? How do I deal with this? Does it ever stop? I know someone out there has to be going through this. Please someone tell me how you deal with this?

Post #: 3

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 1:12:05 AM

flgirl

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

Juliana how do I get rid of the anger? I have tried praying and it might seem awful but I am so upset with god for taking her from me. I ask why all the time. Why couldn't he take instead of her. She was so needed here on earth. I begged him to take me and save her. Now My grandson will never know his mommy. He is too young. He calls for her, he see's pics of her and listens to her music. When he hears it he will take off running yelling for mommy. I love God and I believe in him. But this anger and pain I feel inside is horrible. I hate feeling like this. I know it is wrong. But it will not stop. So please keep praying for me. I really do need it. Cause this is not the person i am. I have no clue who I am anymore. Again thanks so much it really does mean alot to hear from someone like you with the kind words and thoughts. I will make sure I read it all the time.
God Bless you and your family.

Post #: 4

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 1:34:31 AM

J1937

Posts: 681
Joined: 6/25/2007
From: Austria/Europe
Status: offline

Dear Debra,
We are both online and near to each other, although I am far away. Try to feel my love which is coming to you through cyber space. I can only share with you how I dealt with times when I did not know how to survive the very next minutes. I lit a candle, looking into the bright flame, thinking that if such warm light existed, LOVE existed, too. This gave me hope. And I got through the worst times. I am going to light a candle for you in the ALL group.

Your latest post has just reached me.
Dear Debra, please do not blame yourself for what you are feeling! Your feelings of anger are natural. You are allowed to express them! LOVE knows and understands. We all ask the why-question, but it does not take us anywhere. One day, when we are transformed and re-united, we will know!
How old is your grandson? We tend to judge from our adult point of view how kids will react, but they have more natural strength than we know.
If he is gently told that his Mommy now is where all is beautiful, he will take it much better than you may expect. And you will be able to give him the love he needs.

Again, gentle hugs,
Juliana

PS: Keep posting!

Post #: 5

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 4:49:53 AM

buttington

Posts: 1502
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

Dear Debra,

Juliana has said everything I could possibly say, and more, and my heart goes out to you too. Of course you feel angry. Everyone who grieves feels angry. Shout, scream, beat cushions, what ever you feel like. Light a candle and give it to God.

I would try talking to your grandson, as Juliana says, children know more than we think.

Do keep coming here as this is an important and supportive place, and maybe you can get some grief counselling too.

Sending you Hugs and Love, and I will light a candle for you and your grandson.

Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 6

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 9:30:09 AM

Hildegard

Posts: 2232
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: online

Dear Debra, welcome to the forum. I am glad you found it because as you have already seen from the responses from across the ocean that here are people who feel for you, want to comfort you and support you in your overwhelming grief. My heart goes out to you and I am at a loss of words to tell you how deeply I feel for you. Juliana's gentle words speak for many.
It is alright to be angry with God, and to tell God how you feel. Your feelings are natural as Juliana says, and not wrong. God did not take your daughter but the shooter, yet you wish God had interfered and prevented this horrendous act. God is crying with you! Your daughter is now safe, and she is close to you. Talk to her about your sorrow. Your grandson will know her love through you. It is important to let him express his feelings though this is very difficult for you. Your heart will find the right words for him.

Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 7

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 9:57:25 AM

Imenuff

Posts: 645
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline

Dear Debra, Yes, I have a child who has died but not been murdered. I do not know what your "faith experience" is. I can only share mine with you. Yes, I do know of a "Mom" who has experienced what you have, whose Son was savagely murdered. The only difference is that She was there, watched it all and could do nothing about it. She was just an ordinary young woman, totally human, with all the human feelings that any other mother has. Dear One, today, on this Mother's Day, I give you, your pain, anger, etc., to the One who was given to us all as our mother by This One who was murdered. Yes, you are angry but it is important that you not "get rid" of it but instead, go through it. Dear Debra, none of us can protect our children from the horrors of life. While Mary stood beneath the cross watching her son die, there was NOTHING SHE COULD DO ABOUT IT. Yes, you are angry and in terrible pain and bringing this pain and anger to the Holy One truly is prayer, probably the most honest "prayer" anyone can say. True prayer is being totally honest about how we feel since the Holy One already knows it anyway. PLEASE THINK BACK to those precious times with teenage, adolescent children, when we made rules and they told us they hated us, WHY WERE WE DOING THAT TO THEM, WHY DIDN'T WE DO SOMETHING??? Did it stop you from loving your child. Debra, Dear, I remember back about eight years ago when a real tragedy struck in my own life. I called my spiritual companion and told him I needed to see him immediately. When I got there I went on a tirade for at least 10 minutes about how mean and cruel I thought God was and how I never wanted any more to do with someone like that. God could have stopped it but God didn't. What kind of a sadistic God was He anyway. My companion let me go on and on and on. Then he asked if I would go home, sob my heart out when I felt like it, and when I was almost "violently" angry, to sit down and write it all out as a Letter to God, each time I felt that way--One provision--IT MUST BE WRITTEN COMPLETELY UNCENSORED. This will heal--yes, the hole will always be there. It will heal if you honestly go THROUGH the five stages of grief and NOT AROUND THEM.

1. DENIAL,(this can't be real); 2. ANGER --Why me, why her, why didn't YOU (God) do something); 3BARGAINING--Begging, wishing, praying not to have to go through this; 4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. 5. 5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, or yours.Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

To feel pain and anger and all else that you feel is very normal and shows your own normalcy. I pray that you allow yourself to go through it and know that our love, Mary's love, and the love of the Holy One are with you to sustain you through it. PLEASE, GIVE GOD YOUR ANGER. Rant and rave with it. It only shows the depth of your relationship to the Holy One.

I pray on this Mother's Day that the supportive love of Mary, Jesus Mother, your daughter who is closer to you now than she ever was, and the comforting love of our Mother/Father God enfold you and hold you gently and tenderly. I have a candle burning 24/7 on my kitchen table. Know that you will be part of the prayer of it constantly.

May Their hugs, prayers, support and tender gentle love surround you.

_____________________________

Shalom(May you be at peace in Body, Mind,& Spirit)

I'menuff

Post #: 8

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 2:32:01 PM

kitonthemoon

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/5/2008
Status: offline

Dear Debra,

I'm so sorry for your excruciating and never ending pain because the loss of your daughter. Juliana, Jude, Edda, I'menuff all said it better than I could ever hope to express.

I pray, with all my heart, that by knowing that your beloved daughter is now under HIS wings will give you peace, and new firendship you find here will comfort you and make you feel less alone. Her physical existence may be no more, but her spirit remains by your side forever, now it is time for her to watch over you from above.

God be with you,
Extra soft hugs,

Jazzie

Post #: 9

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 5:48:59 PM

flgirl

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

I want to thank each and everyone of you. Sitting here reading your thoughts and prayer is amazing. I think writting down how I really feel might help. To all you mother's I do wish you a Happy Mother's Day and God Bless every single one of you. Thougth I had better let you all know that before I forget it. I do alot of that lately. But that is to be expected. This is a wonderful place to come too. When this happen it was as if this world was full of heartless, Rude and horrible people. I was so wrong. There are alot of wonderful people out there. For one every single one of you. Can you imagine what kind of world this would be if we only had people like you. It would almost be as good as heaven. Cause there would be no more killings, rapes, robbery. No more worrying about anything. Just livng your life being loved and showing love. But that is only a dream or wish. Realty is there are mean people out there and you just have to stand your ground and not let them take you down with them. I do believe like I said before in God. I do believe sooner or later he will show me the way. Till that time I will come here where each and every single one of you will make me stronger. Thank you all and My grandson Donavon thanks you. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
Debbie

Post #: 10

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 9:20:47 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2232
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: online

Dear Debbie,

You are most welcome! I am glad that we can be of help to you as you try to cope with your loss and all the feelings that come from it. It is really a privilege to be allowed into another's heart!

You are right, this world would be so much better if all cared for each other in loving ways and shared their gifts to help each other. At least we can be like pebbles cast into the water spreading ripples of kindness.

Wishing you peace and comfort,
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 11

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/11/2008 10:06:00 PM

Angelmum_2000

Posts: 8
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

Dear Debbie,

Im so very very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.
Dear Mum I can only imagine your pain and I hold out my hand to you as one bereaved parent to another.

"We are all created in the image and likeness of God for greater things - TO LOVE & BE LOVED."
(Saint) Mother Teresa.

May your daughter's love continue to bring you comfort, peace and joy.
Always remember her love lives on in you all.

Debbie, I hope you dont mind me sharing some of my thoughts ............

How do we share our emotions when we are gripped with a grief or despair too hard to articulate?
We hold out our hearts to God.
Words may not even be necessary. Simply being in the presence of God and allowing our hearts with all it's emotions to be held tenderly by the unconditional and everlasting love of God.
Feel it, feel the love like the 'electric' moment, awesome wonder of that first touch
as in the creation of Adam. (beautifully depicted by Michelangelo on the ceiling of the Cistine Chapel)

May I be as bold to say to share your emotions similarly with your grandson.
I have found what to do or say with my earthly children has 'come' to me in many of those moments.

Hope this helps.

Im sending you much love, prayers, hugs.
Many blessings, Maria. xxxxxxxxx

_____________________________

Love is for giving - forgiving.

Post #: 12

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/12/2008 1:31:09 AM

bernie

Posts: 164
Joined: 11/22/2007
From: TX
Status: offline

Dear 'loss of murdered daughter' - this is horrendous, an extraordinary tragedy; a parent's worst nightmare... May God give you the strength to suirvive this, there's no way to bring resolution to this unspeakable, irreconcilable, abominable act.

It's totally beyond comprehension how these ghastly crimes occur much too often. Psychopathic, sociopathic deviant monstrosities are so depraved that it is beyond "normal, average" peoples understanding.

May God somehow in your unspeakable grief-stricken tragedy of terrible pain & loss give you a glimmer of hope to go even beyond feelings of retribution to forgiveness & love - an incredible task, indeed a leap of faith...

The greatest power in the universe is love.

Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and to be able to grow.

- (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D.)

As you gradually work thru this, the trauma will hopefully dissipate rather than becoming more serious like full-blown posttraumatic stress disorder. So, the best thing is to allow the healing process to take place by not allowing the grief to get stuffed down w/o expressing it outwardly w/ all your deeply felt sorrow & grief...w/o being consumed by hatred & loathing for this dispicable act.

Post #: 13

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/12/2008 8:01:17 AM

sharon

Posts: 117
Joined: 6/6/2007
From: England
Status: offline

Dear Debra
I am so sorry for your loss of your daughter. I can't imagine the pain you and your family are going through. I am thinking of you and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
sharon

Post #: 14

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/12/2008 11:13:29 PM

Thankful one

Posts: 1672
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Debbie,
My heart goes out to you. I too cannot begin to imagine your loss.

I have nothing to add to the good advice given by others except to say to keep sharing your changes with this group when you are able as it will most definitely help.

I would like to send you some flowers to help heal your heart. May God bless you with some peace.

Post #: 15

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/13/2008 8:06:51 AM

Alchemist

Posts: 88
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

Debbie

I too express my deepest sympathy, knowing how futile any words are at such a time. Juliana had a post which reminded me of a memoriam written by someone who had a strong sense that separations are only temporary. I hope this helps in some small way.

On the death of the Beloved

Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or might or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.

The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.

We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.
~ John O’Donohue

_____________________________

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that Self may prove to be.
~ May Sarton

Post #: 16

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/14/2008 7:21:54 PM

celtic star

Posts: 348
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline

Debra, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling, praying that you are comforted and find support on this site and everywhere you are. Glenys x

Post #: 17

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/14/2008 9:40:17 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2232
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: online

Thank you for this beautiful poem, Alchemist! It speaks to me and probably to all of us who ever lost someone they loved,

Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 18

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/15/2008 6:26:40 AM

Alchemist

Posts: 88
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

Edda

You are welcome. There are times when one is at a loss for words and it is fortunate that there are some gems of thought that others have shared for those instances. I am always delighted to share the ones I have discovered over the years.

Alchemist

_____________________________

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that Self may prove to be.
~ May Sarton

Post #: 19

RE: Loss of my daughter *Murdered* - 5/16/2008 12:26:06 AM

ananda

Posts: 88
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Vancouver, B.C. Canada
Status: offline

Dear Debbie, I would like to offer my condolences as well. I too, cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. One thing that helped me tremendously when my mother and brother died was the grief support groups that were held at the hospice. Being with others who were dealing with broken hearts and learning about all the different stages of grief was extremely helpful and I don't know how I would have made it through such a difficult time without the support of the people in these groups.

My wish for you is that you are able to reach out and find some support. There are people out there who can help. Please remember that you are NOT ALONE. Take care. Jessica

_____________________________

May you be blessed!

Post #: 20