katelosangeles
Posts: 6
Joined: 1/21/2007
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dear, dear edda~
thank you for your response and kindness. i know what happened that sent him away, it was me , i choose to "lovingly release him to the universe"...i let him go as i was undergoing very deep transformations as a person. again, i am working a tweleve step program~i had an alcohol addiction~ when one HALTS the substance however , unfortunantly the behavior remains...this is what they call DRY...if one does not work a twelve step program no psychic change can occur...i am transforming the old* ways of self and learning my a new self, if you will...not changing but transforming...i love who i am but i need to get to a deeper level of me...im not tearing down and rebuiling im just removing those things that not longer suit me and adding things that help me go deeper into my truth...i am a truth seeker builing a maze....i'm setting boundaries and a tone to my life now where i respect others, make amends immediately if i ever hurt anyone and am really learning how to respect myself without substance. i am POWERLESS to people, places and things....and i see now that everything does come from GOD....even when things look like they are NOT in our favor surely they are when we are on an intense spiritual pathe...when we listen and pray and then listen our intuition and higher power does not steer us in the wrong direction...i began working a tweleve step program in Feb 2006 , this is when things became more clear to me about myself, my part in all relationships i involved myself in as far back as i could remember...i did a personal inventory of myself and saw that how i treated others and myself while using and how i was not operating to my highest and greatest good or the goood of others as well...it was sooooo painful to look at all of this and i wasn't dealing with it very well....because i was new to recovery and i was excited to have access to all these amazing, inspiring tools...the difficulties became clear to me when i realized that not only did i not know how to properly use the tools but that others were involved in my healing as well and i had to be very careful when dealing with others as well that were involved in my intimate personal life... i talked to my mentor/sponsor who helps me work the tweleve-steps and told her that my loves actions were upsetting to me as he seemed distant and not concerned that i was working the program...i wanted him to be very supportive...i had expectations...first rule, never have expectations of others...only have expectations of yourself and let other be...if ther actions are not harmful that is...i followed her lead and immersed myself deeply into writing, my tweleve step program, my meditations, yoga, being of service and helping newly sober people to the best of m ability reinforcing that sobriety was the way and that things would work out if they just worked the steps... etc, etc...this action on my part was new to our intimate relationship and we had less time together than usual , which did not bring us closer to one another insted it sort of separated us~ instead of speaking with me about his feelings he withdrew into his cave, i could see him becomming distance...i begged him to come out and talk with me but no luck there as he would only listen to the things i had to share...he then decided to join an alanon group and went to personal therapy but just as i he gained tools quickly and was not the master at using them and we ended up using the swords we had to either protect ourselves or hurt each other as again neither of us were yielding them properly...both of us were very, very frusterated~i needed love and communication and yet was not able to really offer that to him during my intensive work as i was in a very fragile place and his cave dweeling scared me and made me feel completely abandoned....it was hard for me to reach out and when i did it seemed i had to beg for his response to be more than just a cordial surface response...anyhow...
anyhow to make a short story longer...things led to a physical burst on my part because i felt insecure and his actions were so removed as he was so far back in his cave that i felt completely abandoned...i screamed and had a tantrum saying things that i regretted that i quickly and promptly made an amends for the very next day...i had a talk with him that next day and said i thought it was best to "lovingly release him to the universe" while i was working these intensive spiritual practices as i saw that i had allot of healing to do and i didnt want to hurt him nor i in the process ~ we had talked about in therapy that we could do this and still see one another during the process, he agreeded and so did i... i came home the enxt day to find him gone with a note....it was a very painful note...he had written that he was staying with a friend and was going to move out within the week... he did it so abruptly...no resolution...no talking no nothing...and it didnt seem like a good , healthy way to take a break~ it felt like he just didnt have anymore to give and that he was OUT , alhtough he had agreeded in therapy that we could do this and still work on us.
this was the beginning of November 2006~just like that he was gone!!!
i was alone, in our apartment, over the holidays and was in so much pain and noone to turn to but i made it through without medicating...i did have visions of suicide as i felt terribly abandoned and lied to....it was either drink or die in my mind...but i did neither, i prayed and prayed and cried and cried...i spent MANY days in bed and could not eat or do anything...the same things continued to happen throughout christmas and into New Years...i have called out of work many times since then and spent days in bed praying and crying~ the wounds of abandonment form my childhood and now my adult hood were so very present and i came to realzie why i had medicated all these years...this was unbelieveably painful!!! i have been a little better~i am beginning to eat and go back to work~ i have tried to contact him many times and after no replies at all he did send one email that cut so deeply saying that he had "nothing to discuss with me" and that " he was not trying to ignor me"...i dont know what to do with that!! HE MUST BE IM MORE PAIN THAN I or he must not be that into me as one associate said to me...this feels so cruel!!!!
i feel horribly abandoned and rejected as all i was trying to do is heal and have courage to not use alcohol ~ i was only wanting to gift* him with living in separate living quarters while i went through this transformation so that i would not hurt him!!! it just seemed like the real, honest, loving thing to do and it was not recieved well at all...how i wished he understood...he is thirty one and i am thirty six and this is how all this came to be...
the old saying "if you love someone let them go, if they come back to you they are yours, if not they never were!" well this is what is happening and it FEELS crazy but the way* he lieft has left me feeling so confused and misunderstood and so lonely and sad inside.....it feels terrible to be seprate from him and not knowing if he just threw the toel down or if he was just inexpierenced and his pride has been injured! i dont know his heart...i do know mine.
PLEASE LIGHT A CANDLE for Yves and Wendy ~ ask for god to remove FEAR from his hearts and for more LOVE to be present between the both of us. Ask that god* give him tools and deep compassion and to guide us back to one another in this lifetime. i need your strength in the form of prayer~i beleive anything is possible when two or more join in the name of god*in prayer.
i am greatful for any of you who do light a candle...you are truly a gifT!
with every sentiment of esteem,
wendy
< Message edited by katelosangeles -- 1/21/2007 6:15:47 PM >
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please pray for my love...and i. - 
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