RE: my mum

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RE: my mum - 8/2/2008 4:01:19 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2653
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Dear Sharon, I appreciate you anxiety about being totally frank with your doctors. Doctors are not in the business of judging but helping. Do try to talk to your doctor and say exactly what you told me. If you think you can't say it then write it down and hand it to your doctor. It is really worth trying, what have you got to lose? It is really hard to give the right help if one does not have ALL the information.
I always pray for courage for you!

Much love,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 301

RE: my mum - 8/4/2008 11:20:10 AM

smuzetta

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/4/2008
Status: offline

Hi Sharon, all the way from Texas. I've been reading your story, and would like to share some of mine with you. I'm a 61 year "young" woman, and know I've been depressed since at least the age of 6. For me, it's a kind of "here now, gone tomorrow, back again" thing. I've also been on medicines for it, and have had suicidal thoughts several times, too. Almost five years ago, I suffered and survived a skull fracture. I had to be taught how to walk, and eat again, and have no memory of it happening to me. There have been times since then, that I have wished I was allowed to die. But no matter how you feel, or how I feel, there is a reason for you to be alive. I agree so much, that God creates us because He loves us. He wants us to share the glory of His earth, the sky, and everything around us. I come from a dysfunctional family, too. I agree with the message, "hate the sin, not the sinner". Sweetie, none of us are perfect, never have been, never will be. I was married to an alcoholic/drug addict, and it to me a long time to realize that he was. He was a doctor, too! He destroyed our marriage in more ways that I could ever count, but I was the one blamed for everything, and I took the blame. I know about your love for your dog. I had to put my shadow poodle down a little over a year ago, and it broke my heart. Now I have a few bunnies, and they are the best therapy/therapists I've ever met. I admitted to my 80 year old mom, who's the caretaker of my 85 year old dad (he had a stroke a little over a year ago, and has dementia), that I've been drinking too much recently. I live in a "dry" county, but you can get drinks at bars here, and there is a wine store. Rather that using the money to pay bills, I'll go get wine. I have been drinking one , perhaps 2 bottles in one day. That is the cliff I've put one foot over. We all have a purpose for our lives, and sometimes it takes a long time to realize, much less understand that. But you are an important person, no matter what life has handed to you. I agree with another post, that God is allowing His communications to come to you through people who've been in the same situations that you have so described. I consider you to be a brave person, willing to post your feelings. I take life one moment at a time, something I've only recently learned. I will no longer live in the past, nor try to predict the future. Sweetie, this whole world is in turmoil, you are not alone at all. I left my family when I went off to college, and moved here, there, and wasn't around them for years. Just an occasional holiday. But after being left by now ex-husband, decided to move back home. Yes, we still have conflicted opinons about anything/everything, but despite all of our flaws, we are family. I understand your feelings about hating yourself. My life lesson has been to learn how to hate the way I feel, but not hate me. Actually, with my flaws (many, being honest), I have learned to love me, because I have learned that God loves me for His divine pleasure. It's the same for you, and anyone who has ever lived. You have my prayers headed your way. I think that all of what I've read was meant to be read by and for me, too. You are a wonderful and very courageous person. There is always light at the end of a dark tunnel, and it is never a train.

Post #: 302

RE: my mum - 8/4/2008 11:55:06 AM

Hildegard

Posts: 2653
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Dear Suzanne,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your very personal story so honestly with Sharon and all of us. My heart goes out to you as you manage day by day, never giving up. I hope Sharon takes courage from you!

I hope you'll visit often sharing your thoughts and feelings and allowing us to be of support to you!

Many warm wishes and hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 303

RE: my mum - 8/4/2008 6:26:14 PM

buttington

Posts: 2158
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

Hello Suzanne,
I too welcome you to the Forum. You too are a brave woman and have a lot to offer. I hope you will return often to us here.

Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 304

RE: my mum - 8/4/2008 9:26:22 PM

smuzetta

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/4/2008
Status: offline

Thank all of you for allowing me to join the group. If life doesn't have "coincidences", I wouldn't be able to get it. The reason I signed up, was because a candle was lit for a bunny who was with an email friend of mine in Florida, who has rescued bunnies for the last 8 years. The bunny passed away this past weekend, with no signs of illness. The candle was lit by a friend in the U.K. and sent to members of the group that talks about bunnies, bunnies, and more bunnies. Such precious creatures they are. I do not judge anyone, as to me we only have one judge, and that is our Creator. I don't criticize anyone, nor anyone's feelings or history of their own life. We all deserve respect, love, and dignity, that we were created to have. And to me that includes animals of every kind, including insects (some of which I don't even like much). I do have other things to tell the group about my life, but it sometimes does take me a while to ponder how to post. But I really hope that Sharon will read about me, because, again, I think I found this site for a good reason. No one can be me, but me. The same applies to every member of the forum. I really am praying that Sharon reads all the responses, including you and yours. She is the brave one, for sure. There have been recent weeks, when all I really wanted to do, was stay alone, and hide under the covers of my bed. I didn't realize that I was in the depression mood again. But to have friends, of all faiths, from different countries, be willing to acknowledge your pain, even your existence, is to me a great blessing. So again, for Sharon, you are meant to be the person you are. Trauma isn't a good thing, but it does, in an odd way, have good intentions, and outcomes. It has helped me look from the outside, into me, instead of the other way. Even looking in a mirror, all you see is an image. You are not really looking at yourself, but just an image. There are still times that I don't know what to say, think, nor do. But I am hanging on, no matter what. I am saying the prayers of thanks for people that can understand another's point of view. I am praying that Sharon, and anyone that needs help, (including me) will read what other people think, that your life can be changed by you. Sharon needs to know, and so do I, that all of us need to be loved, and have a shoulder to cry on. Thanks, thanks, oh so many thanks for this dedicated group of one person to another. Love is eternal, and at least, I can send love to each and everyone of you. Sharon, love to you, from Texas~~~

Post #: 305

RE: my mum - 8/4/2008 10:16:07 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2653
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Dear Suzanne,
I just read your additional post and find so much wisdom in it. I am pretty sure Sharon will read your posts, it just may take a number of days! You are so right, we all have unique stories to tell. I believe we are all unique, conceived by the Creator before we were even born. The ups and downs of life teach us so much if we are willing to learn. Growing up in Europe during WWII was something I would not wish on anybody, but I learned things I would not have learned any other way. For this I can be grateful! You have discovered that sharing your difficult experiences can be of help to others. For this, too, I am grateful!

Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 306

RE: my mum - 8/5/2008 7:00:36 AM

buttington

Posts: 2158
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

Even looking in a mirror, all you see is an image. You are not really looking at yourself, but just an image.

Suzanne, I particularly liked this bit of your post. As Edda says, there is a lot of wisdom coming from you.

I don't believe in 'coincidences.' I believe you were meant to have the sequence of events which led you here. Everything happens for a reason.

How lovely that you love 'bunnies.' I do too, but being a cat fanatic I often find them (sometimes alive, when I can rescue them) in the garden. I think they are beautiful creatures and can't bear to think of them being hurt.

I hope Sharon will come back soon and read your posts.

Love, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 307

RE: my mum - 8/5/2008 9:40:06 AM

smuzetta

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/4/2008
Status: offline

Thank you Jude, and Edda for your responses to me. I've still got a long story to tell, but can't in just one post. This one is about Sharon, and all of us who have suffered a physical disease called "depression". I have a neice who has bipolar disorder, and a nephew with the same thing. They are children of 2 different sisters of mine (I'm the oldest of 4). I remember at the age of 4 having the "croup" cough, and my mom, whom I do love, told me to clean up my room. I said "no", and got slapped for it. Once is all it took for me to be scared of the word "no". I think that is when it began in me. I felt like it I didn't listen to "no", that meant I wasn't loved, and would be abandoned. Later, I had my tonsils removed. I remember clinging to my dad's neck, and not wanting him to let me go. But he did. I remember after the surgery, being angry. I felt abandoned, and lonely. I had nightmares, which I can describe some other time. I became bonded to animals from that point on. It's like they listened to me, taught me, and loved me unconditonally. To this day, my mom doesn't understand why I love the bunnies with me, and they can make "messes", and need to be kept clean to remain healthy.

I read an essay, after I started doing research about bunnies on the internet. It was from a shelter in Singapore (go figure). It is about compassion fatigue. Whether you're taking care of a family member, with no one else helping, or a disabled, or older pet, with the compassion you feel for them, you do get fatigued. Fatigue is also a sign of depression. My mom has told me that "energy begets energy", and my response to her was that "fatigue begets fatigue". I know that a 10 minute walk, helps clear your mind, and that was a "new year resolution" of mine. I've done it maybe twice this year.

I know Sharon is a compassionate person, who is literally fatigued. I know it for sure. Been there, done that, and didn't even get a tee-shirt for it (a joke)
But my point is, that once you recognize this about yourself, you are the only one that can help yourself : first, acknowledge it; second, try to find a solution that works.

I'm a medical technologist by college degree, but my passion is painting and drawing. I've seen other posts from people about finding a hobby. I love to paint, but have been avoiding it, and why, I don't know. I was even accepted by an art gallery in the town I live in, but couldn't afford the dues, so I quit. Since then, they have closed. We were not a close bunch of people, anyway. But I do know that when I paint, draw, I get the surreal feeling of being out of the troubles that have invaded my life. It's a great option!

I will post more about me, and my family woes, but I know I am not alone. None of us are alone, even though we may feel lonely. One good thing about living by myself with bunnies as companions, is that I never knew I would treasure the peace, the solitude, the serenity of being with just me. I hope Sharon will respond to all of you that care for her, including me. I can tell from the posts, that in some way, subconciously, she does know she has friends, and is loved. She is to me, a very compassionate person,

To Sharon: no one is "rubbish", or unwanted, or un-loved. We all are the person we are meant to be. Please consider me as a friend, from across the pond. !!!

Post #: 308

RE: my mum - 8/5/2008 10:52:52 AM

J1937

Posts: 848
Joined: 6/25/2007
From: Austria/Europe
Status: offline

Dear Suzanne,

a warm welcome "across the pond" from me, too! Thank you for sharing so generously of your story, there is much for me to learn from it. Like Edda, I grew up in WWII, and today I can see there was a purpose behind all the fear, sorrow and anxiety connected with it. It is good to know you have your bunnies and art to give you joy and meaning.

Best wishes,
Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Post #: 309

RE: my mum - 8/6/2008 6:33:51 PM

sharon

Posts: 193
Joined: 6/6/2007
From: England
Status: offline

Dear Jude
Thank you for understanding about how I feel about my dad. You are right it is confusing on the one hand I love him because he is my dad but thats as far as it goes. I don't like who he is as a person or the way he's been over the years. Hate's a strong word to use but thats how I feel about him. We've never had a father daughter relationship he spent a lot of time in and out of hospital with mental health issues when I was young. So whether its because of that I don't know but he gets on with my brother maybe its just me he doesn't want to know. He's never been there for me once so I guess I should stop hoping for something thats never going to happen but it hurts. I don't think he's ever known how to be a dad he even said to me once I don't know what to talk to you about says it all really
love sharon

Post #: 310

RE: my mum - 8/6/2008 6:45:02 PM

sharon

Posts: 193
Joined: 6/6/2007
From: England
Status: offline

Dear Edda
You are right of course about the doctor. I am such a coward I am too scared to say how things are as once I start I may not be able to stop and I am scared of ending up in hospital been there before and I don't want to go there again. I never know what to say when I see the doctor but you are right when you say they can't help if they don't know everything. I just feel useless that I can't be totally honest with the doctor and I know I should be. Its a good idea of yours to write it down and give it to the doctor.
love sharon

Post #: 311

RE: my mum - 8/6/2008 7:24:39 PM

sharon

Posts: 193
Joined: 6/6/2007
From: England
Status: offline

Dear Suzanne
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story. Sorry to hear you have depression and have had suicidal thoughts too its not easy dealing with them. I have made many attempts on my life I'm not sure what the reason is that I'm still alive as this life is pretty pointless at the moment. I wish that I could die every night when I go to bed I don't want to wake up again and its so wrong when so many people would give anything to live but thats how I feel. I'm sorry to ear about your dog Shadow dogs are good company. I've never had bunnies I did have some guinea pigs but I had to have them rehomed when I was in hospital once they were really cute and I was really annoyed at the hospital making me give them up but I didn't have anyone to look after them so I guess the hospital had to do that. I know what you mean about spending money that should be for bills on alcohol as I do that all the time no wonder I've got loads of debts.
Some days I don't get out of bed or if I do don't bother getting dressed or going out that sounds bad but some days I just want to hide away from everything don't open the curtains that way I don't let the world in as I don't like the world and it don't like me. I don't think I'm brave if anything I'm a coward as I can't sort my life out. I've always hated myself and I think that if I hate myself then everyone else will hate me to. Everything is so messed up that I feel so useless. I hope you will come back soon and once again thank you for your support and friendship
love sharon

Post #: 312

RE: my mum - 8/6/2008 7:35:03 PM

sharon

Posts: 193
Joined: 6/6/2007
From: England
Status: offline

Could I ask you to say a prayer for my mum. She hasn't been feeling herself for about the last week. She's been really tired and sleeping a lot and not eating as much as usual. She keeps saying its the weather but I'm not sure. I just worry that its cancer starting up again and I know I can't go through all that again it would be to much she's been through so much already. I shouldn't think that its cancer again but its so hard not to
Thank you
love sharon

Post #: 313

RE: my mum - 8/6/2008 9:40:37 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2653
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Dear Sharon, of course I will pray for your mum! I am sorry she is not feeling well and I understand your concerns. Please, take your mum for a checkup to see what the reason for her feeling poorly is. Uncertainty is worse than facing what is.

I do think you can muster the courage to see your doctor and bring up everything even if it is in writing. Perhaps writing is easier for you than talking; you would not be alone in this.

I'll go now and light another candle for you and your mum.
Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 314

RE: my mum - 8/7/2008 6:22:51 AM

buttington

Posts: 2158
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

Dear Sharon,
I'm pleased you came back and had a chat to us all. I will light a candle for you and your Mum in a minute. As Edda says, your Mum needs a checkup. It could be something simple that could be put right.
And I agree that you would be sensible to have another talk to your doctor as well. Also, worrying about your Mum will be affecting you.

It's good that you are accepting your Dad as he is. Maybe he has problems relating to women, whatever relationship they are to him. It's very common. Perhaps his own family life was difficult too, and, as you say, he doesn't know how to be a dad. Accepting him as he is is the first step to your own healing.

Lots of Love and hugs, Jude

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 315

RE: my mum - 8/7/2008 7:35:20 AM

J1937

Posts: 848
Joined: 6/25/2007
From: Austria/Europe
Status: offline

Dear Sharon,

I am going to light a candle for you and your Mother, too. Maybe you´ll remember me as the one who mostly posts texts and quotes - it´s my job that I was trained for. Now today, tidying up my desk (which was in a terrible mess

), I found a slip of paper with this quote on it, and I thought I´d post it for you (and for others and myself at the same time

):

"Look! There are thousands of suns of Hope
behind despair!" - Rumi

I know very well that it is sometimes hard to see even one of them when we are depressed, but knowing thousands are there waiting for us to be discovered may help, don´t you think so?

Sending much Love and Blessings your way,
Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Post #: 316

RE: my mum - 8/8/2008 4:04:45 AM

celtic star

Posts: 453
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline

Hi Sharon, adding my prayers for your mum, hoping that she is feeling better. Edda and Jude are right, why not get her to see the doctor just to set your mind at rest. Your concern is natural.
I also think Edda's advice about you going to see the doctor yourself and writing everything down is worth considering.
Love and Light
Glenys x

Post #: 317

RE: my mum - 8/14/2008 9:17:07 AM

sharon

Posts: 193
Joined: 6/6/2007
From: England
Status: offline

Thank you all for your messages. Mums feeling better than what she was last week and she's been back at the hospice this week she goes once a week for day care which she enjoys. I'm feeling the same no worse no better. I hope its ok for me to post a photo of Rye on here.

love sharon

Post #: 318

RE: my mum - 8/14/2008 12:29:47 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2653
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Dear Sharon,

I am so glad your mother is feeling better. Thank you for your great dog picture! You can post pictures any time. We love to see them!

Keeping you and your mother in my prayers,

Much love and warm hugs,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 319

RE: my mum - 8/14/2008 3:58:46 PM

J1937

Posts: 848
Joined: 6/25/2007
From: Austria/Europe
Status: offline

Dear Sharon,

I am also glad that your Mother is feeling better. Thank you for posting the photo of your (?) dog, Rye! That must be a good companion. You are always in my prayers.

Love,
Juliana
_____________________________
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

Post #: 320