Bluemoon
Posts: 164
Joined: 4/22/2007
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Dearest Sharon,
My God My God I pray for you, How my heart aches for you. You have so much on your shoulders, I am with you in spirit dear Sharon. I can understand so much of what you are experiencing right now. I too had a Father that no words here can express the fear and hatred I had for him. It was a long hard journey for me with him. But by the grace of God and encouragement from my Mom was I able to put it all away and find peace within myself. I had so little respect for him for his deeds in life both to his family and to others. I feel God wanted me and my family to take that journey. I had given great effort over many years to understand him only to find out from him shortly before he passed that "If he had it to do again he would do it all the same!" What a slap in the face! I think that was my wake up call from God. My Mother, rest her soul, told me at that time...."Isn't that sad, hes to be pitied". And tho they had been divorced since I was eight, My mom reminded me to pray for him. I look back now and see and think how strong a women she was and yet with all her trials in life she always manage to have love for those who were always the worst in life. I came to terms with my Father, I could not change him to be a better Father, It was not going to happen. I could not make him have sorrow for his deeds. I finally took the position as my Mother I felt sorry for him that he did not enjoy the lives he brought into this world, he missed out on a loving wife. I finally just let go, he just simply became another person in this world that was to be pitied and needed more prayers then myself. I was able to ignore his ignorance, and refocused my Love toward others. I still remember that day, It brought me great peace and a sense that God said to me "Now you know. Lessoned Learned!" When he, my Dad, passed the child in me was a little sad. But the adult in me said "Let go, Let God handle this". It was as if I had closed the book on a chapter in my life and I was able to do it with great peace and grace. I had an overwhelming Love for my Mom and for those who were in this mans life. I regrouped and cut all the dead weight off, ie Father, Brother, Sister and those who took so much energy from my time with my Mom. She is gone now and for that my heart aches more then you will ever know. But did I do the right thing. YOU BET!!! I stayed with my Mom till the last bit of dirt was packed and flowers on her grave. And with Great sadness and many tears as I stood and watched her be laid to rest. I felt the overwhelming compassion of God and my Mom tell me, its ok you did right. "Your hard long road has ended." All during this time of taking care of her tho it was so very hard and at many time so very frustrating, I just knew in my heart I needed to cherish all that we were going through. I was on a journey with my Mom since birth. How blessed I was to have this marvelous teacher, Mother, friend in my life.
I do not know if my humble words will help you Sharon but maybe your time is now. Channel those feelings toward what is important, your Mother needs you, God needs you to help her. You have been chosen. You are unique and have much to offer. You and your Mom still have a long hard journey ignore (tho I know it will be hard) all other distractions. Your health is important, you have a job to do. Please try hard to put away the drink, try a nice cold Coke or root-beer! I know easier said then done. But try hard. It is within you you CAN do it!
As you said you are at "rock bottom", Good!!!! Now you have only to climb and go up! You have it in you Dear Sharon, Please hang in there you have so much to do. You will only have this opportunity ONCE!! As my Mom would tell me I'm telling you. "Don't blow it!" Grant your hearts desire, enjoy your time with your Mom. Bring her joy and laughter. Get the family pictures out ask her who is who and you might both get a good laugh out of it! Ask her the secrets to a recipe. Ask her the many questions that later you might want to know. "Her dating days????" Both of you will share these wonderful experiences together. Be her daughter and her Friend. As silly as it was, many nights it was like a slumber party together. Who would think of your Mom telling you secrets then tossing a pillow at you!!!
My soul purpose while taking care of my Mom was to make her laugh, help her in her times of need, by giving a hundred percent of myself to her It returned to me many times over. Especially now such sweet and precious memories.These I will keep in my heart till my very end. I would not have them If I had let my life be clouded by all the distractions and wasted energy. Make those memories Sharon!!!!!
My Mom and I had two little joys among many others that stood out. We always sent flowers to each other. And there was always one yellow rose in every bouquet. A sign of great friendship. And two always big big hugs. I still give her yellow roses, but the hug.........its not there. So I will continue to pray for you Dearest Sharon, and I will continue to light a candle for you. But I ask you to do just one thing for me....
Please hug your mom for me and make it a good one.
Keep heart and get strong. Cut the junk out of your life. Take care of your self. And know I and many others here are in your corner Sharon, don't let us down, don't let yourself down! You can do it let go and let God deal with what you can not. It's time to step up to the plate. Take control of your destiny.
Across the many miles I send you much Love and a hug Sharon. Please keep us posted. Like Arow, I hope to see you grow. And My money is on you!!!
God Bless and be with you Sharon,
Blue
PS. I'm sorry for rattling on and taking so much of your time. I only pray that in that you will find something that might help.
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