Pray that anger leaves my soul

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Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/20/2007 3:29:30 PM

arows1faith

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline

Several years ago, I fell victim to a substance. Two very dear friends, Tim and Stacey, sat me down one day and told me they were worried about me and what I was doing. I remember saying, "But it's only on the weekends." I knew it was a lie when I said it; they knew the difference. I knew there was a problem because of the fact that I was willing, nay, eager to paint over the problem I was having with a lie. That was too much sacrifice for me; the value was no longer worth the cost. Right then, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to hurt myself, or others, in that way ever again.

So, I kicked crystal meth (a.k.a. tina) out of my life. I was proud of myself. I developed a hatred for meth after 'slipping' a few times in the proceeding months and that became the fuel for my vigilance. It worked! Once I decided to be angry, with every fiber of my being, at tina, she no longer had any voice in my mind. I've, since, defended the anger. "It's my strength," I say to myself. I'm scared that if I don't hold on to that anger, I'll not have the fuel to keep myself in a place better than I was.

The conundrum is this: Although hating tina has done well for me and allowed me to grow, it is still from a source of anger. I cannot live truly gratefully if I'm using anger as a tool, in any capacity. I am, however, allowed to feel anger (hello human condition!), but it cannot be a tool I use, anymore. Please, light a candle under A1F and pray for me a new tool that will allow me to truly heal this wound.

With love and hope and light, I give you my gratitude.

_____________________________

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Post #: 1

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/20/2007 3:45:06 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2651
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: online

Dear Arow, thank you for sharing your challenge with us. It takes courage to face and admit to oneself what is wrong, even when it seems to be working. Anger is useful to get us started in the right direction but, you are right, it is not the best tool to keep us going. From you other posts I can see that you have a lot of wisdom. I believe the answer to your search for a tool will come from within yourself. I am glad to support you in this search with my prayers and candles.
With every good wish,
Edda

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 2

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/20/2007 4:01:18 PM

arows1faith

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline

Thank you Edda (I had a vibe that you'd be the first to post a response ;). I appreciate and feel your faith in me, but I cannot lie, I'm scared. It's kinda like the first time one rides a bike without the training wheels. Luckily, I have you and everyone here as my safety helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist guards.

I CAN DO THIS!

Thank you, sweet Edda

Much love,
Arow
Fire the Grid!

Post #: 3

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/20/2007 5:55:19 PM

buttington

Posts: 2158
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

Dear Arows,
You have already done the most difficult thing. Anger can be a tool, but you know it is not always appropriate.

Acceptance is the first step to change. You have put into motion your desire for change. Perhaps that's enough to start with.

Have compassion for yourself and your anger, and slowly your anger will change into something less aggressive and more appropriate J

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 4

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/20/2007 6:11:50 PM

Bluemoon

Posts: 164
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

Dearest Arow,

I admire your courage, you acknowledge the challenge, you admit your your scared. For that I send you many hugs and much love.

I too had an anger and hate problem for many years, My beloved brother was murdered in a way that words cannot describe. I tried to run from it, hide, denial..... It took me well over two thousand miles and many years of my life to come full circle. I could not live, i could not laugh life had no meaning it consumed my every being. I was a blank in the world.......... I wanted revenge..................The pain and sorrow was more then anyone could handle, My blessed Mother lost her son, I lost my brother.....he was the adhesive that kept our family in laughter, love, and compassion.

I had to face this horrible demon face to face, and I was so scared to... I was wreaking the most cherished thing I was given by God..........my life and others around me.

It took time and great effort on my part........but the day came when I heard simple words that made no sense..........they continued to pop up here and there.........

"LET GO, LET GOD"

"What were these words? Why do they keep coming in my head, Why do I here it from so many" "Go away and leave me alone!!!!!

Then finally many years later, so torn up much like a rag doll, not fit for being part of the human race.............I fell to my knees.........and the Words made sense.........

It was time.........

My ANGER LEFT....
     MY HATE GONE.......
          Tho I have not forgiven as of yet.........I let my REVENGE go.

              And my biggest fear, will I loose my brother forever in my heart?

I realized it was time to let my beloved brother go.........out of Love for him "I LET GO".

When I finally did this.....I had an overwhelming feeling of Love, more intense then ever, for my brother, my family and what few friends I had.........I was given a most blessed peace. A peace that remains with me to this day.

As for the person who did this horrible thing to my family and I.........well, God will do his will, not me. "LET GOD"

I share this with you dear Arow, in hope that it only might help you, I know you are about to embark on one of your biggest challenges.........you can and will do it, it is within you.

I will be YOUR "KNEE PADS", I will pray with and for YOU to find YOUR way. I will light candles for YOU. I will be here for YOU.

You have come to a wonderful place here, there are so many strangers, yet not strangers but souls who love, care and want to help you. Trust me I know.

You have taken your first steps, you can ride the bike! It may take time, be patent with yourself. I have confidence in you. I like others have read your notes. YOU will be ok.

As proof..........I'm sure you read my desperate cry for help, I too was given another mountain to climb to huge for my shoulders to carry. I thank-God for this site, I really do believe God brought me here..........then he gave to me souls who cared, who prayed, who lit candles for me.........My God My God, will this help???
YES, IT DID ....These dear souls carried me for quit some time now.........They gave me the courage to LET GO AND LET GOD..........And today, you are the first to learn my news........................... There are two sets of footprints in he sand for me today...............God put me back down and now I am able to walk again on my own, my darkness is but a small glimmer, it is a new day for me. Your DAY is just around the corner Arow.........Please hang in there. "LET GO, LET GOD"
God Bless you Dear Arow,
"Your Knee Pad friend"
Blue

Post #: 5

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/20/2007 6:49:10 PM

arows1faith

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/7/2007
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J and Blue:
Your words of encouragement touch me very deeply. I do not know how or what change is coming. I've learned that "Change will happen. Be the director of it, not the victim of it." I've developed skills and tools that have allowed me to direct the changes in my life. But, on this one, I know The Director of Change will be tending to this matter, personally. It is not for me to decide the path of my journey, only that I request a better path. It's a scary place to 'know' with all my heart, yet, find my knowledge is incomplete. I've always 'known' things, quiet whispers that tell me how to help others and myself. The only thing the whispers told me this time is that I need to get rid of anything that impedes my healing.

As I reread my post, I see something. My faith is being tested, here. I still don't 'know' that the Universe is loving, even though I feel it. It feels kinda like the Universe is saying, "Oh? You don't think I can handle that, too?" There's a lot for me to ponder and digest in that concept. And, without this thread, I might have missed that.

Many warm embraces to you, Blue, my 'knee pad' friend, and to you, J, my friend across the ocean.

With much love and blessings,
A very courageously trustful Arow

_____________________________

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Post #: 6

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/21/2007 5:35:53 PM

buttington

Posts: 2158
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

Dear Arow,

Short and sweet ! this came to my mind.

Love isn't always comfortable, but it's still Love. J

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 7

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/22/2007 1:26:56 AM

Emil

Posts: 285
Joined: 4/4/2007
From: Rosenberg, TX
Status: offline

Dear Arow:

I fully realize that not everyone on here is a Christian, and I respect that. I don't know if you are. But, I've been through a lot in life, and I've had vices, yet I've overcome them all by turning to God, through my believe in Jesus Christ.

As for this being a loving place, many times it's not. But here on this site, you have found a group of people who are willing to try to help you, each in his/her own way. Take advantage of it and I'm sure you'll be on the road to healing.

In two days, it will be the fifth anniversary of the day I quit smoking. And on that day, I had a great miracle happen in my life, one which left me dumbfounded. I haven't touched a cigarette since.

All my best,
Emil

Post #: 8

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/22/2007 11:06:58 AM

arows1faith

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline

J:
Thank you for reminding me that the best method can sometimes be the most simple. Short and Sweet is a phrase that I will try to apply to all aspects of my life. Well... at least where applicable. ;) (I think I used to use 'K.I.S.S.': Keep it simple, stupid. But why would I use the word 'stupid' about myself?)

Emil:
My connection to the divine does not lie in the Christian faith, but in the faith of this Earth. One of the things that have always struck me about your posts is your use of Jesus' name. My bond is with mother Earth: I was born of Her, She will sustain me through life, and I will return to Her in death. Because of the thousands of years of history documenting the differences in your faith and mine, and although I could feel the love and acceptance and hope in your words as you encouraged others to battle their own demons as you have battled yours; yet, the 'word' Jesus in your posts made me feel slightly left out. But, now I feel it is safe to honor Jesus with the same reverence as I honor Gaia because everyone here is using different words/terms/names, yet we each have the same intent and vibration and love. There have been very few places where the differences in man are requested to be left at the front door so that each one may sit at a table and work passionately on the beautiful things we have in common. It is this grace of understanding that you have made it easy for me to see. For many years I will be thanking you, most definitely in Jesus' name.

To all:
My friends, my friends. You do outstanding work! Yesterday was the Summer Solstice and I was able to celebrate! Although I don't know how it works, exactly, my passion will now be my fuel. I was trying to find a force in me that has the same power and integrity as the anger, but with love. I was scared to think that I might not have an alternative fuel until 'passion' rang in my ear. I've always been passionate; few I've met have ever thought otherwise. I am working on no longer being angry at tina by taking peace and faith in the fact that, in my soul, she is not hated, merely 'unwelcome.' But, mind you, she is passionately unwelcome. This change is not yet complete, but there's faith in 'the journey,' especially when (for a change, blessed be!) I know the destination. Your prayers make a difference in my life and I can only say thank you by honoring the beauty you create by respecting it, loving it, helping it grow, and sharing it with others.

With a faithful heart,
Arow Blackdragon
Fire the Grid!

Post #: 9

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/22/2007 2:18:37 PM

Hildegard

Posts: 2651
Joined: 8/30/2006
From: Chicago
Status: online

Dear Arow, I had to smile reading this post, because I, too, thought you might be able to replace anger in a stepwise fashion. You have discerned passion in you. If you do good passionately you will experience highs that, I believe, can't compare to the ones Tina once provided. They, I suppose, were followed by downs, which is not true of the ones that are gifted in response to love. I put these qualifiers in because I have no personal experience with drugs but have read and heard plenty about it. Maybe I am dreaming too much ahead, but perhaps there will be some time in the future, when you can even be grateful to Tina for providing the opportunity for learning some very tough lessons and giving you a kind of experience for helping others which you would not have otherwise.
These are just some thoughts that came to me, you certainly don't have to agree!
With every good wish,
Edda

P.S. Thank you for reviving some old and worthy causes!

_____________________________

Peace and joy!

Post #: 10

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/22/2007 3:49:45 PM

china34doll

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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I read your messages especially on anger and addictions,even though I have been clean and sober 18 years anger is my comfort zone and seems to protect me when I feel attacked,because I lost my best friend,the mask(booze)& pot the anger still hides who I really am,but since being sober I see life differently,I have a much better insight of what is real and what isn't! I've learned to say"No" and mean it but the guilt is still there.I have always been a very spiritual person at heart so drinking is like mixing oil and water.I feel you can teach many others about your pain and give a lot of hope as you did me in the short time I've been here.Again Thank you! china34doll

Post #: 11

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/22/2007 6:30:32 PM

arows1faith

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline

China:

Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in this. It's funny, but I can feel the passion beginning to occupy that place. It's just gently nudging it's way in; taking up the space that anger forgets to fill, but just a little at a time. I love my anger, though. It has moved me into states of action many times, kinda like a cattle-prod, I guess. But the lesson here, for me, is that I've arrived to a safe place. I need not that shield of anger to protect my wound. I can lay down that shield; I'm no longer in that battle. Now, I must tend to my wound. Clean it with love, for myself and those around me. Dress it with patience, for time will heal better than anything else. And protect it with my passion, so that the scar becomes stronger and resilient to the evil that bore it.

I did not know that I had these tools until I asked for them.

quote:

the guilt is still there.

Oy Vey! Do I 'get' that one! That was one of my biggest hurdles. I could allow myself to feel guilty, sure. But why? I made a choice that hurt me and those I love. For me, it didn't matter what that choice was or how long it lasted or any of the other arguments that keep me from feeling justified in my choice to stop using tina. If I feel bad about myself or guilty for my choices around tina, then I'm giving her an easy in; a moment of doubt to break my resolve. To make it short and sweet: I made the mistake and now I'm dealing with it.

'But what about your friends that you're abandoning?' I'd ask myself. If I'm leaving tina and that's where they stay, then I'm not abandoning them; they are keeping tina. I can't save others, only myself. But, I can make an example of myself. (I secretly do hope that I set a really, really good example, every day!

)

'What about the pain I caused Tim and Stacey as they watched the downward spiral of a friend they love and look up to?' the addiction would ask. Well, there's no guarantee that I wouldn't have ever hurt either of them eventually, with this or something else. The fact that they stood by me and confronted the situation tells me that their love for me is immeasurably greater than the pain I caused them. What I can do is honor their strength by sharing it with others.

'People won't have faith in you anymore, you know.' the executioner would whisper in my ear. Faith is kind of like confidence. It is not meant to be acquired and protected, achieved and held on to. My faith will be destroyed and rebuilt many, many, many times. How I allow that faith to be destroyed and how I rebuild it will determine its quality and its strength. I do not 'enjoy' those days without faith. But I've learned, very recently, that those days are filled with 'the good pain.'

China, I sense that you question your worth around this challenge in your life. DO NOT do that! You are a valuable and loving person who deserves to live life without having to depend on anger to keep you safe. (Trust me, I'm saying that for myself as much as for you.) If anyone holds your past against you, it is their faith that needs to be rebuilt, not yours. Do what you can to honor the choice you made and those you love, everyday in everyway. Have you thought about becoming a counselor for a rehab center or volunteering for a crisis line. There may be a strength in your experience you have yet to recognize and use.

Having a substance problem is difficult, period. This 'modern age' has made addressing and resolving addictions more difficult because of the media and negative advertising. Those without any addiction experience too easily look down their noses at the users and the substance because of images showing 'bad people' doing 'bad things.' But, when I sit on the bus and hear/have conversations where those without experience assert their 'knowledge as authority,' I understand that if they knew my truths before they met me, I probably wouldn't be 'respectable' enough to have conversation with. I allow them that. But, I also get great pleasure in telling a friend that I've known for three years my history. It opens things up and I usually learn some quiet history about that friend.

I believe this thread is now about you, dear China.....

I pray for China the faith and peace and wisdom to endure her struggle. May the energy of the Universe weave wonder in her life and deliver to her a tool to replace the tool of anger she currently has.

With all my faith,
Arow
Fire the Grid!

Post #: 12

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/22/2007 8:49:38 PM

china34doll

Posts: 94
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

I am so very happy to have found this forum so far these stories have shone me that I am not the only one on God's earth that has felt pain,as my pain progresses mentally,physically but not spiritually I can grow through other's pain and feel good that there is some one to share these feelings with. Such great stories and such strength in them,I can feel the growth.And I too will light candles for those that have helped me with their stories and pray we all get well but I feel our strength is our best feature another is to be able to share our stories.My greatest wish was to heal the sick and suffering,I thought I came close when I held my best friend in my arms while he was dying and because of my own pain I couldn't find the words to say I love you and I'm going to miss you.He was the one to teach me compassion,and to add to my spirituality.God Bless every one,I always pray daily for peace and to keep every one safe, always; china34doll

Post #: 13

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/23/2007 5:06:56 AM

Emil

Posts: 285
Joined: 4/4/2007
From: Rosenberg, TX
Status: offline

Dear Arow: Thank you very much for understanding my way of praying, and I'm sorry you have felt left out, and maybe others have, too. Yet, that's the only way I know how to pray, in Jesus' name. However, if you or anyone else who have a different religion or belief want me to offer you support in a non-religious way, just let me know on this forum or drop me an email and let me know. I'll still light candles for you and offer you support. We are all in need of healing and I'm not seeking to put up barriers in my life, but to build bridges. Cliched sentiment, I know, but true.

In closing, I thank you for being so gracious and am glad to know that you realize I mean well and want all that's best for you.

All my best,
Emil

Post #: 14

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/23/2007 12:25:40 PM

buttington

Posts: 2158
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

Arows,
I can almost 'see' you sorting this one out !!

When I said about Love not always being comfortable, I think I meant that the Universe is indeed, lovingly coming to your aid, and there is often a very rocky road attached to it.

I think there is certainly a place for anger - without it we might stay exactly where we are - it's how we use it that's important. It can so easily destroy us and everyone around us.

I have a tendency to 'sit' on my anger, sometimes for years, and when it does come out all hell is let loose! And, of course, you don't achieve what you intended at all.

My Son, who is the one who drew me to this forum in desperation, used drugs when at University, and it changed his personality totally, from a thoughtful and kind person to an angry, depressed and aggressive man. Me getting angry with him, even if justified, is a total waste of time, because he goes beserk and I get upset, and so it spirals out of control. I've had to learn new strategies and so far am not doing very well.

However, I do believe, like Edda, that this life experience, while very painful, is an opportunity for us both to learn something important. Hence 'Love is not always comfortable' but the Universe is still being Loving because it wouldn't be anything else.

Like you I get a bit twitchy with religious terms these days. I had a bad experience with Christian extremism, and although I thought I was a Christian I was quite put off for a while. I think it's the way they say the name 'Jesus' or something. I gave up church years ago, but have worked on my aversion to the name Jesus and It's OK now. I didn't have much choice actually, as I am a Spiritual Healer, and during my training one day I had a message from the man in question. He is one of my guides.

A lot of my anger can be directed at Christian exremists, but I try to see that they are just on the wrong path and will see sense one day

Pity they are not all like Emil. I do still think of myself as a Christian follower of no particular religion. Spiritual rather than religious. Love J

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 15

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/24/2007 1:46:01 AM

Bluemoon

Posts: 164
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

Dear Arow,
I have not heard from you today, I hope you are well. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. Bless you and peace come to you soon.
Love and God Bless you dear Arow.
Blue

Post #: 16

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/25/2007 3:25:21 PM

arows1faith

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline

China:
I believe there are no coincidences. I may have 'stumbled' upon this website, but it was also at a time when I had no example of truly caring people immediate to me. I love the people in my day to day life, without doubt. But, most times, I feel alterior motives in them. I don't know or care if their motives toward me are true or not; but I feel the distance that their choices wedge between us. It keeps me somewhat distant.

(this one's frustration, definitely not anger!) I needed to feel somewhere safe, connected, and familiar; and I've found that, here. I understand wanting healing for others, too; we're kindred spirits in that, luv.

Emil:
The way I'm seeing it, you and I share the same love, for the same Source. The 'words' we put on it are just familiar vibrations. Sorta like the way you can hear your mom's voice in a crowd of thousands. My mom sounds different than your mom. But they, each, are our mothers. You've erased my 'left out' feelings. Anyone that listens to you, I mean really listens, they will 'hear' what you mean, not just 'hear' the words you use.

Love doesn't recognize barriers.

J:
Yes, I am very much still sorting this out.
I was invited to a gathering this weekend by an acquaintance. At the last minute, "What would I do if tina was here?" raced through my head. First, I'm glad that wasn't my first thought (as had been the case for a long time!). Second, I didn't go into the whole, "Is tina going to be here? Because if it is....." schpeil that I usually go into; which usually ends in an argument, anyway. Third, I knew that I wasn't strong enough in my passion, yet. I know that if someone had brought it up or, even worse, offered tina, I would not have kept my cool and I would've given anger back that small amount of space that my passion had just begun to take root in. This is a time when a beloved quote comes to mind:
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results."
I know what to expect when the anger is driving me and I don't like it. And I'm a little tired of being 'insane' about my tina issues. It is time to do things differently!

Blue:
I'm here, sweetness. Just a very busy weekend.

_____________________________

The Goddess is alive and there is magick afoot.
Arow Blackdragon
Valley of the Kings

Post #: 17

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/25/2007 6:36:53 PM

buttington

Posts: 2158
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

When my husband first left me I drove everyone available mad by keeping on talking on and on about it, and how terrible it was etc. etc.
I think this is part of the healing process. Keep on about the Tina thing until you get fed up with it. We won't ! J

_____________________________

Love is the only way

Post #: 18

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/26/2007 12:43:36 AM

Emil

Posts: 285
Joined: 4/4/2007
From: Rosenberg, TX
Status: offline

Dear Arow: About doing things differently, I think you already are. Determination comes through in your writing, and anger has subsided some, or so I think. Maybe all it took was recognizing that anger and sharing it with others.

And about my prayers, thank you for seeing my good intentions so clearly. If indeed I've erased your left out feelings, I'll continue to pray as I was. That way I share myself fully with you. Your analogy about mothers is right on the spot, and you're a kind spirit.

All my best,
Emil

Post #: 19

RE: Pray that anger leaves my soul - 6/26/2007 8:17:30 AM

Star5776

Posts: 193
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

My heart goes out to you sweet Arow. Hang in there. I pray that you are filled with healing light from God and that you are lead to a better way to avoid and deal with this stuggle. I was struggling the other day with letting go of something and I heard a voice say "Its easier if you let go" and I think that is very true. So often we hold tight with anger clenching our fists holding on to this thing, this pain that grips us and never realize how much easier it is to just let go. Relax, release it to God. It is such a difficult thing!! How can something so easy be so hard?!? So for you today, I pray for peace. I pray for love. I pray for faith. And I pray for God's grace to fill your soul and for all that holds you away from God's light to be released effortlessly. I know it is all around you as I can feel it coming from these posts. You are surrounded by light, let it in and shine sweet one. The anger is released and you are free from all that binds you and keeps you from love, from God.

Take care, I will light a candle for you on this site and tonight before I got to sleep. May God's grace fill you today and everyday.

PS...I am very proud of you too...kicking something like that is difficult. Don't be so hard on yourself about the anger....you will release it and be free on all levels soon.

Post #: 20