Imenuff
Posts: 822
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
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Dearest Gemma,
I am so sorry about your loss. Yes, I understand your anger, emptyness, lonliness, etc. Our firstborn son, Timothy died. Tim was full term and died as a baby. Reading your posts reminded me of all the nightmares I had after Tim's death. In my dreams I was still pregnant and Tim was still inside me and safe. Then I would wake up and for me, the full horror of the whole situation came out. I, too, asked what I had ever done to deserve all this! PLEASE, don't blame yourself.
Gemma, I don't know if you are Christian but that doesn't matter. All faiths have respect for Jesus either as Son of God or Prophet very close to God. Ok, so why am I bring this up?? What did Jesus ever do to deserve crucifixion?? He was kind, caring, healed the sick, stood up for the poor and got killed because of it. But through it all, God SUSTAINED Him. The Holy One did not take it away or save him from it but sustained Him through it. Dear Gemma, no one can take away the pain you are feeling. Honor it, go through it, and in the midst of the pure hell of it, ask the Holy One to sustain you through it. (This oftem is my mantra when things seem to heavy to bear). Then look for all the little ways that the Holy One drops in front of you to let you know that Someone is sharing your pain with you, walking with you, and carrying you through it.
Gemma, it's ok to feel angry, lonely, etc. Even Jesus on the cross cried out "My God, My God, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
Dearest one, Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and know that there is Someone called Jesus who felt just as angry, deserted, lonely, etc.. The way to true healing is to allow the pain, go through it rather than around it, and cry out, SCREAM OUT, to be sustained, and then allow the Holy One to sustain you.
If you can buy some really cheap pottery/glassware at a garage sale, some have found it helpful, if you have a place to do it where it is safe, to just smash it against a wall, or beat a pillow as hard as you can with a bat or stick.
It has been 38 years, dear Gemma, the hole is still there, but I can see now how such horrible garbage that life threw into my life has become such life giving mulch.
In this winter time of your life, may the Holy One show you how much you are being accompanied in your pain and loss for truly, the Holy One knows what it feels like to suffer the death of a loved one. Life like nature flows through it's seasons, the winters, autumns, springtime and summer. But, WINTER IS ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY SPRINGTIME!!! No matter how dark, cold, treacherous and endless the winter is, it is ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY SPRING.
Know that you are being held in my heart and prayer, but more importantly, your pain is being shared and you are being held in the heart of the Holy One. Life is life, dear Gemma, but garbage can become mulch if we are open to it. As far as your partner, Dear One, it took my spouse almost seven years before I ever had a clue how much Tim's death effected him.
May you see all those little gifts of sustenance along your path. Namaste!
_____________________________
Shalom(May you be at peace in Body, Mind,& Spirit)
I'menuff
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