RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (Full Version)

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Hildegard -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/10/2007 10:23:41 PM)

Thank you, Juliana, for getting us started on this book and tickling our curiosity!
Looking forward to the continuation,

Love,  Edda



buttington -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/11/2007 1:33:41 PM)

Dear Juliana,

Oh yes please - we do !!  Jude



Imenuff -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/11/2007 1:54:52 PM)

quote:

Betty, So you want to read the book the easy way ?
Juliana, dear, is there any other way[:D]??? After this past weekend, I am running on empty[&o] but it seemed to be successful for all[;)]. So, yes, my dear Juliana, I definitely want to "read" the book the easy way right now and so much appreciate your providing me the opportunity to do so, at least temporarily.[:)]



J1937 -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/11/2007 2:38:51 PM)

Hi Edda, Jude, Betty and all other friends, After a brisk evening walk I´ll gladly share with you what I have learned from G.Chapman´s "Five Love Languages". Before I start, let me tell you how that book [:)] found me . Mrs.A. phoned me after a seminar, asking to recommend her a book which might solve her problem. She had a very good husband, she said, but what troubled her was the fact that he never ever complimented her on anything she did, but took it all for granted. (She had five sons and several grandchildren!) She would read the book first, and then, as was her habit, put it on her husband´s pillow to get him interested in it. [;)] My bookseller then put "The 5 L.Ls". in my hands...

Now G.Ch´s L.L. 1 is just what Mrs. A. missed. It is all about words of affirmation. It is a language which all of us like, but for some people it THE language, which they need like their daily bread to feel loved. G.Ch. quotes Mark Twain, who said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment". In some German-speaking countries, there is a nasty saying: "Not criticizing is praise enough" [:'(]. There are also some "dialects": encouraging words, friendly words (especially effective when the other one is angry!). In our schools, most teachers point out and count mistakes, instead of looking for what their students have done well. From what people tell me, I get the impression that in the US words of affirmation are more common than with us (?)

Juliana
_________________________________

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"



Hildegard -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/11/2007 3:53:44 PM)

Yes, Juliana, words of affirmation seem to be more common here than in our home country. There is one caveat - they should be honest. Usually one can find something that can be truthfully affirmed. When someone praises everything and anything it takes away from the value and meaning of such affirmation. Personally, I don't know anyone who does not appreciate being affirmed. Some appreciate others but don't ever think of putting their appreciation into words. And some, unfortunately, take others for granted! So, this first language of love making others feel loved is a very important.
Thank you!

Edda



J1937 -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/11/2007 4:14:52 PM)

Thank you, Edda, for adding this important point. (I was anxious my post would become too long.) G.Chapman also emphasizes that words of affirmation should be short and precise -- so one can distinguish between sincere praise and flattery, which is usually wordy. I admit that very often I admire people, but don´t tell them, thinking, "They know about their merits anyway". When I have voiced my thoughts, however, their response has often been, "Oh, no one has ever said that to me!"   Juliana
__________________________
"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"



Imenuff -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/11/2007 5:20:39 PM)

Juliana, I bet you thought you had retired from teaching[:D][:D]! Seriously, thank you for beginning to highlight another book that sounds really valuable. LL1 reminded me of how often when a customer is given poor service or an employee has made a very bad mistake, the first thing one does is complain to the boss or management. However, when one does an excellent job or gives fantastic customer service how many times is the boss/management contacted to let them know what a valuable employee they have? There always seems to be time to complain by phone/note but never the time to compliment by phone or note. I look forward to your next post.

Namaste!



buttington -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/11/2007 6:07:59 PM)

Dear Juliana,
This is a very good point for me at the moment as I'm finding it hard to find anything good to say about my Son. He does have good points, it's just that, at the meoment anyway, they are too brief.
My acupuncturist suggested I look for things to compliment him about, so I must try harder.
Thank you, Love Jude



J1937 -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/12/2007 1:37:20 PM)

Betty, Thank you for adding more aspects to LL1. "Teamwork" is always best! You are right, of course, if you doubt that I have "retired" for good; there is always voluntary work to be done -- and I thoroughly enjoy doing it [:)].
Jude,  Thank you, too. How well I know the problem you mention from my teaching experience! The advice I used to give myself with young people during the challenging time of puberty: use a magnifying glass when looking for something positive which can be affirmed! [8|]  (This also "works" with adults [:D]).

Your affirmative words spur me on. Before embarking on LL2, however, I´d like to share an insight into the nature of love, which I owe to Thomas Merton. In his preface to Ernesto Cardenal´s book on love he says that we tend to complain that there is too little of it in the world, we demand there ought to be more. This is not so, however; love is "the only reality". We only block ourselves - for various reasons - from showing it. And G.Chapman points out how easily we may miss one another by disregarding the primary love languages (= Rosenberg´s "needs") of others. Meet you here later! [;)] Juliana



buttington -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/12/2007 4:46:11 PM)

quote:

use a magnifying glass when looking for something positive which can be affirmed!


Juliana that is exquisite !! I have just emailed it to someone I can sense is down in a black hole at the moment and probably needs a magnifying glass to see anything positive.[:(]
I will try to apply it too. Thank you.  Love Jude



J1937 -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/13/2007 2:20:09 PM)

Dear Jude, reading your post, I was reminded of another way of first thinking and then speaking in terms of affirmation. If we look for what is POTENTIALLY there in another, still hidden, but waiting to become manifest, we can "love it out" of them! [:)] Have you heard this expression before? To me, this has mostly been THE way for me to love my students [;)].

Love Language 2  is the primary L.L. of my son. I only understood this after I had read G.Chapman´s book. [8D] When I used to visit him in his apartment, I would first give his wash basin a quick cleaning, then wash a few cups... He used to try and stop me, but I would say, "I like doing it", and continue. When he got angry, saying, "Sit down and listen to me" that finally rang a bell.

L.L. 2 is about "quality time" -- giving someone undivided attention, spending time with them. It does not mean sitting on the couch, watching TV together [:D]! It means looking at each other and talking. "Quality conversation" is friendly, uninterrupted talk, in which we reveal and acknowledge our own and the other´s feelings. Togetherness can also mean doing things together. G.Ch. points out that quality time with quality conversation is a powerful communicator of love, particularly with people who understand this L.L. best. Today, when jobs have become so demanding, when everybody is under almost constant stress, it is certainly not easy to meet this need.  What my husband used to say, may be of some consolation, "It is not the amount of time we spend together -- it is the intensity".

Juliana
______________________________________
"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"           



Hildegard -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/13/2007 3:13:33 PM)

Dear Juliana,
I can only agree with everything you say here. As I believe I mentioned in a different context, my patients often had problems that far exceeded my ability to resolve them, but what they appreciated most was giving them my presence, just listening to them even for a short time, and, above all, respecting them. Spending some quality time with another is a precious gift for both.

Edda



buttington -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/13/2007 7:11:02 PM)

Dear Juliana,
That is so true. When I first joined this Forum, the first 'signature' I noticed really rang loud bells for me. It was from "YorkieMary" and goes, "Love becomes a light which shines from behind the eyes."
To me it was saying, 'How can he (my Son) know I love him if I don't look at him?' I realized that I may be able to reach him by loving him through my eyes, but only if we looked at each other.
Life together had become so painful, we avoided each other as much as possible, and definitely avoided eye contact. I had become so wrapped up in my hurt that I could only think about how horrible he was. We spend no time together, let alone quality time, but I live in hopes and I need reminders like yours and YorkieMary's. Her quote is pinned up on my wall - I'll put yours up to join it.

I know the person I used to know and love is still in there somewhere. Maybe somehow I can "Love it out of him."

Thank you.  Jude



Imenuff -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/17/2007 3:32:49 PM)

Juliana, dear, I almost missed L.L.2 and that would have been a real loss.
quote:

When I used to visit him in his apartment, I would first give his wash basin a quick cleaning, then wash a few cups... He used to try and stop me, but I would say, "I like doing it", and continue. When he got angry, saying, "Sit down and listen to me" that finally rang a bell.
When our sons came home for Christmas, their standard comment was "Mom, we didn't come home so you could cook everything we haven't had to eat in the past year. Mine were a little more blunt--possibly an American trait--"We didn't come to eat, Mom, we came to visit."

When I read about the undivided attention, I thought about all the times meeting with my own spiritual companion and also the times I have met with those I companion. What a real gift, a true time of total undivided attention.



J1937 -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/18/2007 6:37:51 AM)

Thank you for your comments and additions, Edda, Jude and Betty.
Let us move on to Love Language 3.

To draw on my personal memories: It was definitely NOT the L.L. of my mother, (although she was a sensitive, loving person). My father, a business man, used to surprise her with a gift whenever he returned from one of his trips. Regularly, she would refuse it, saying that she did not need it or that it had certainly been too expensive... To this day, I keep objects which I then took, feeling so sorry for my father. The most memorable incident, however, happened right after W.W.II, when food was still very scarce and one had to line up when there was something to be had in a store. The night before Mother´s Day my father entered the kitchen with a box, offering it to my mother, saying "Look, what I´ve got you!" In the box was one of the lovely decorated cream cakes which Austria is famous for. At my mother´s standard reaction "What in the world made you buy THAT!" my father in a temper flung it against the wall, I can still see it gliding down very slowly --- from where my two   brothers and I scratched it with spoons, having a very special feast![:D][:)][;)]
It goes to prove the truth of the saying that the world may look very different to different people!

L.L.3  is gifts, which SOME people simply need to feel loved. They want something to see, to touch, to remind them they are valuable in the eyes of the giver. G.Chapman stresses that gifts have NOTHING to do with MONETARY value, but everything with LOVE. Creativity can find, make, "invent" presents which sometimes do not cost money at all. With every gift we give something of ourselves. The greatest present one can give, is physical presence, especially at a time when the other one is in particular need of it.

Juliana
______________________________

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"



Hildegard -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/19/2007 12:11:22 AM)

Thank you, Juliana! Accepting a gift graciously is a gift to the giver. You mother reminds me of my aunt who died last year. Her most common response was that she did not need what I gave her. I learned not to get upset with her. Occasionally something pleased her and that made me feel good. Giving and receiving is an art!

Edda



Imenuff -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/19/2007 8:43:43 AM)

Juliana, Dear, and Edda, Your stories are a good reminder that it so often is much easier to give than receive.[:-] A dear friend once asked if I would be willing to do a certain thing for someone else. After a definite yes, without hesitation, she then asked why I would consider it an imposition on another to have them do the same for me. Her next question floored me--"Do you really think you are so much more generous than they since you wouldn't consider it an imposition to do it for someone else, but you have already judged that they would consider it an imposition to do it for you?[&:] She then proceeded to tell me that when you do for others, the blessing is on you and when you allow others to do for you, the blessing is on them. (Sometimes too, I think it can be our own negative self-image[:'(][>:] that doesn't allow[:@] us to accept gifts. We just don't feel "worthy" of them). It reminds me of the one Scripture where Jesus allowed the woman to anoint his feet with precious oil while others were "scandalized" by it or the woman simply wiping his face on the way to Calvary. The Holy One not only gave us an example of being a cheerful giver[:D], but also a gracious[;)] receiver.

Dear Juliana thank you for the time and effort you put in to synopsizing some really valuable reading matieral.

Edda, Blessings tomorrow morning.
NAMASTE!



buttington -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/19/2007 1:27:01 PM)

As someone who has only in relatively recent years learned to give wholeheartedly and unconditionally I appreciate being reminded of the fact that it is difficult for a lot of people to graciously receive.

I too see giving and receiving as the same thing now and I'm sure this revelation helped me to become less possessive and more generous. Finding it difficult to give or receive is, of course, born from fear...fear of not having enough and fear of not being worthy. It's been interesting having this as one of my life- lessons.[;)]
I now find it very easy to give as well as receive.
Jude



J1937 -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/21/2007 3:55:38 PM)

Before starting on L.L.4, I´d like to stress (once more?) what, to me, makes Gary Chapman´s book so valuable. It is his pointing out how different we are with regard to our essential need of feeling loved. To feel loved -- it is not sufficient to know -- we need to be told that we really are in the language which we understand best. As by nature we tend to assume that the other one speaks and understands the same language as we do, we often fail each other without seeing why. Just as we learn foreign languages to communicate with people from other countries, we can learn the love languages of the people we care for.

Any guesses what L.L. 4 and 5 might be about? (Only for those of you who haven´t read the book [;)]!)

Juliana
__________________________
"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"



Hildegard -> RE: BOOKS for which I am grateful... (10/21/2007 4:25:39 PM)

Juliana, if I have to guess, one would be doing acts of love, not the ones we choose, but the ones that would make the other feel loved. For example, giving my husband a back rub repeatedly, makes him feel loved, and puts a smile on his face even at 6 AM! another would be preparing his favorite foods, even those I myself am not so fond of.

Edda 



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