Bluemoon
Posts: 164
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline
|
My Dearest Friends, I started this letter to Edda as she had been writing me with her concerns and yours for me. In the middle of it I suddenly had the urge to come here. I don't know why. Maybe because of something Edda said as I reread her letter to me...("Everyone is concerned about you"). Upon coming to Gratefulness I first see "Prayers for Bluemoon by Star", ....Oh my God what is this??? Reading what you my dear friends have done.......(Blue gets a huge box of kleenex's). With great humbleness I can only say THANK-YOU AND GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. So with this I will share this letter to Edda with you all and finish it here instead of AOL as I now see you are ALL my friends and family in Gods graces. Andddddddd, I think God is sitting here tapping me on the shoulder and telling me, go to Gratefulness and do this!!!!So Edda this is in reply to your letter to me, hope you do not mind. Dearest Edda,May this letter find you in Gods love and peace.Hello Edda,I must ask you and others for forgiveness. I really don't know how to begin but want to let you know I do not hide or need a break from you and others that care so much. My health is OK for now. I have just been dealing with what I think is Gods testing of me, or maybe it is the evil of this world that is trying to make its mark on me. I must admit it has been a most difficult year and have been dealing with so very much. It would seem that I fight and find my way out of one battle and than another arises. I'm beginning to forget what peace and serenity are!!! Most of my unhappiness at present seems to come from the people I work with, as one of my previous friends that used to work there said it best. "The people there are just evil" It is hard to be kind and give compassion or just plain old mind your own business and do your own work without a constant battle. I have a boss that I really do believe is the devils spawn. He's constantly picking on me has been unbearable, his meanness and behavior is unacceptable and what he allows is unforgivable. His latest action on me has been yet the worse he has ever pulled on me. It would seem that he came up with this false certification that I know I did not need to have, yet he was able to gather the powers above to write me up and give me a threat to fire me if I did not comply. I had two weeks to take a course and get certified by an out side source or be fired. He asked the impossible knowing full well it could not be done. My God I could only think 28 years down the tubes after all my work and sacrifice. And this compounded on multiple other things he had done to me in previous weeks. How much more could I take?? Leaving work that day I must have been in great shock, I cannot even remember the drive home. And when I got home i had even more bad news. I came home that night I could only think of one thing, please God end this life for me, I am a coward and cannot do it myself. The burden is to much, my shoulders cannot take any more.Mentally I was a wreck, spiritually I was dead and lost...what should I do??? I tried to pull myself together...I called the union, but my rep suddenly turned management and could only heap the blame on me..........after an hour of hearing how she was not going to help me I was even more lost. My God My God if you cannot help me end this NOW!!! I have nothing to live for....the thought of starting over....oh my God...others do it....oh no My God...do not forsake me.....feeling so alone, so tired...I thought of going to gratefulness, but how could I....there are so many with much more then I....No I could not do that...pray yes I will pray..........no God is not hearing me...........Why have you forsaken me my Lord???? I could not call people I knew at work that would be there for me.....(Note to self get the phone numbers idiot!!) After that..I realized I had no one to call, no friend, no neighbor, no one....Only my cat!!!! and he wanted to go outside. Edda I cannot tell you or even describe the hell I felt.I only knew in my heart of hearts this was not right, and could only wonder why the injustice? What have I done to make this man hate me so much. This occurred on Sept. 4th,I only knew that on Sept 18th I would no longer have a job. Needless to say I could not eat, or sleep. I even found it hard to try to pray.I just could not do it. I was completely devastated.The next day I went to work only going through the motions.....How dead inside I was, my concentration was gone, my spirit dead.....how can I fight the tears of sadness?? At the noon hour I had decided to confide in one of the professionals I have worked with, I have great respect for her and wanted her to know I would be gone in two weeks...little did i know that the weak knock on her door at noon would be the knock on Gods door. After showing her the letter and crying my heart out to my great surprise and shock she stood up behind her desk and said the last thing I thought i would ever hear her say...a word I can not repeat it had him at the end of it!!! After gathering my teeth off the floor and realizing she was helping me...I can only hear her saying NO, NO, NO...were going to fight him!!!! She organized me got on the website and made a plan...My God Edda I left her office feeling that God had sent me an angel...with tears of hope and my spirit trying to come back. She stayed with me after work helped me download the course..holy smoke it was a 12 credit course...how was I going to do this in two weeks, I not only had to study this novel of a book, I had to test and get certified as well. We printed off the book and began to try to answer the study questions..It did not take us long to realize this was not a fair deal as the level of the book was more for her then mine. She could not even find the answers. I felt so bad for her, giving up her time for me....I told her to go home and I would work on it and if I got stuck I would save those for her. ( which was about every other question)...So I embarked on two weeks of no eating and about 9 hoursof sleep during that two weeks. I worked eight hours and came home and study all night, and all weekend. I was able to download the book, but had to register.....which more difficultly came there...I had sent e-mails on, Tues, Wed, Thurs finally on Thurs afternoon I heard back, noooooooo they need this and that. Fri. noooooooo you need this and that again........out of desperation (which came back to haunt me later) I sent an urgent email to this person explaining I had no time to loose..I was going to loose MY JOB if i didn't get this certification!!!!!Please enroll me NOW!!!I want to take the test on Monday the 11th. I could tell this business was to slow and thought If i fail the test that would give me one more chance to take it before the deadline.Edda you have to understand...books and I do not get along and I have a mental problem when it comes to taking test and have had it since I was in third grade. Ask me a question and watch me go into sweats and faint.Monday came, I wanted to take the test first thing in the morning, but noooooooo, my boss wanted me to squirm. I knew in my heart of hearts I was not going to pass this test. To much info to cram and info I have never dealt with before...Thank God for Wakpedia. but none the less I knew.....My boss decided I would use my lunch break to take my test.....I know this man had me over a barrel and the ball was in his court so I played his game.....but he let me know he "did not trust me not to cheat even though i only brought a pencil and myself to his office. He made me sit at his desk while he sat straight in front of me staring the whole time, then he carried on business, conversations phone calls while I was trying to test......He also tried to make me take the test on the computer under "Word" instead of printing it off. I tried to explain to him it cant be done..I am not a computer expert but I know when you try to type on an existing document on word it is like editing and each stroke of the keyboard edits it and you basically edit and delete or knock off the wording. So by question 8 i had deleted 6 questions by trying to change my answers. Finally he printed it off..duh!!!! I then tried to tell him that the test did not match the book. I had crammed that book down my throat long enough and hard enough to realize I had the new book the test was for the old book and or a lower level which I had no way of studying for. Then he said...either I took this test or out the door I go now. Edda how could I win with these odds??? My heart sank, my prayers gone......God has left me....After the test my friend, my angel found me..."How did you do?", how could I tell her......I guess my eyes told her.She told me to come to her office after work and we could talk...Every day this women encouraged me, brought my spirits up my God how could I let her down and myself......lost and devastated again..........After the test I did the email again with the lady at the school The next day the news came...I had failed......how was I going to study for this test....the questions I could remember...no info in the book...Edda, I kept going back to the e-mail and reading it FAILED...FAILED ....FAILED. That night I brought the email up again at home FAILED but i noticed something i had not noticed at work...there was an attachment to my e-mail.........but darn it!!!! i had to be on the work computer to get the attachment...........Tues I got to work early what was this attachment??? Good lord.another angel????the attachment was the test, I could print it out my self.................... Going on no sleep and no food I started from scratch again hunting and trying to find the answers to this test. The book did little to help me but try we did....So by Thurs the 13th, I tried to test again, with one exception. My boss was not there but he left the deed to another who I thought was his equal in hatefulness. But I did not get to test on Thurs. Work was to busy to find the time for both of us. So we agreed on Fri. Am, first thing Take the Test. I was ready Edda, but by 4:00 Fri. Another E-mail....FAILED. I was devastated, my friend was lost.....keep in mind Edda, this woman has degrees and Ph d's in everything under the sun. She went over the test with me....we tried logic, knowledge you name it.....where did we go wrong????I went to the women that gave me the test and told her I had an e-mail...I had failed again.............um Blue....................God here.............She said NO, NO , NO were not having this your going to pass.........once again another angle from heaven and a huge surprise on my part, I thought this women hated me......She stayed after work on the Sabbath on Fir.the help me.She took my book went over the test too............ding dong...this book doesn't work with the test!!!!!Never the less she was going to make it work, Here again we have a women with multiple degrees, knows five languages, Smartest person I know. First she told me my answers were wrong, then she found out nooooooooo...I had the right answers, Edda I needed 80% to pass this test. It was like shooting ducks in the dark.. which answers do we alter????? The info is not in the book no where to be found..I knew she was wrong just by my experience on the job and my past schooling.....My deadline was fast coming...Tues was here...she told me don't worry study..the boss was on leave one day wouldn't matter..but it did to me I needed to be certified...the higher ups who issued this letter knew...but again did God intervene???Edda All concerned parties were not at work on Tuesday....Wednesday came I took the test, I waited all day for the dreaded e-mail washing up my 28 years of life, my retirement gone, my insurance gone, my life completely destroyed.............3:30 came, one hour before the end of my career.......then I hear this from down the hall..........."DID YOU READ YOUR E-MAIL"???? I look up from my work...."DID YOU READ YOUR E-MAIL???" It was the women who gave me the test...............My eyes teared up, I was sick.. "NO" I didn't, I was working......."GO READ YOUR E-MAIL, BETTER YET GO TO MY OFFICE AND READ IT" There it was Edda, go to her office so I can turn in my badge, keys etc. NO JOB.............I went to her office, "LOOK AT MY COMPUTER..LOOK LOOK".......... "did i FAIL AGAIN??" Edda by the grace of God and his angels and saints, there it was I PASSED You need 80% to pass you got 86%, Congratulations your certified. I thought I was going to pass out. But she was shouting print it print it, get your Certificate and run it up stairs quick.........Edda I went through the gamut of hell and back multiple times in the last four or five months. So much has happened, My boss has created a living hell for me..he removed me from my work area for no reason when asked, he tried to destroy my credibility, my dignity, he lied about others, and there comments about me and yet when I asked what have I done wrong, did I do something wrong on the job did I break any rules, did I endanger someone, what have I done wrong??? He would just say" NO, you have made no errors on the job, people just don't like you" "They want a change from you". I realized this man is truly EVIL, he manipulated people to do his evil, he tried to destroy me and break my spirit. He was able to shake my faith. For what ever reason Edda, God has made me walk a path which I do not understand yet. Yes your right, I did come to Gratefulness many times, I peeked in to try to pray, but would always see a posting that was so much more needed then my own, and how my heart would break, for i could not even pray for myself, thinking of what I had read from others. I felt so selfish, and such a hypocrite, for i had felt God had left me. I was not in the state of mind to try to help others, I could not even help myself. But to the credit of Gratefulness, my light and courage came from Gratefulness and the blessed people here. In the middle of night when I could not sleep. I would be gentle nudged by God to come for a visit, for God to show me that others do care for me. The prayers at the candles, the postings of concern, the private e-mails.I knew though I could not even type a simple thank-you, how heavy my heart was, how sad I was. so beat up from life, so hopeless, I knew in my heart that others here did care and prayed for me, how could I give up on them...Shame on me, but Edda I had no heart. The peace I so desperately needed was delivered by you and many others. I did see the prayers, the concern the love and even the humor by others. Edda that is what helped me go back to bed and sleep some nights, that is what gave me silent courage to get up the next morning. It was because of the hopes and prayers of others that carried me in an otherwise dark time. It is what gave me the courage to give compassion and kindness to others during my day. Thinking of words of caring and wisdom from you, thinking of how Vicki worried about me, hearing Stars music in my head, Thinking of Robby and Eric and little Maija. I thought about Nadja and her Mother, Emil and his hugs,wondering how Leon was doing and thinking about all who's lives has crossed at Gratefulness. And all others that we have prayed with and for. That is what helped me the most. Edda I knew that eventually I would get through this no matter the out come. I just had to take it a day at a time. I guess God had to pile it up on me to make me see better,he had to put a lot of bumps in the road, and make me fall a few times. It seems like God is really stacking the cards pretty high each time, and maybe that is beginning to worry me too. between you and I, I think God is getting me ready for the big one. I must admit Iam a bit scared, but I know its coming, i feel it with my every being. I try to remember the walk Jesus took, the stations of the cross, and then it always hits me, my road is not so bad. Look around see the roads others take and how difficult it is for them. And again I say "shame on me". It just seems to me that Iam really paying the price for a previous life or God is wanting me to sample everything on this earth that is negative for a bigger reason. He has thrown loss, illness, tragedy,sorrow you name it Ive had it...But why Edda why??? Is it meant in this life that I am not to experience joy and happiness???? When will he let me have peace, or just a day when I can enjoy sunshine and a crisp breeze??? Shame on me again!!!My Goodness, Please please forgive me this looks like a novel and I am so sorry for taking up your time and others and space here. but I guess I had to open the window into my world a little, to share with you and felt you should know a little about why I have been missing.To you and others I owe so much, you are my angels of goodness and light and for that Iam truly grateful. Like I said it the caring love that you all have expressed to me that I treasure most. When evil is at its utmost intensity, it is here where I can find what I need. I ask you all to be patient with me, I'm looking for me and I'm looking for Blues humor too, I will be back dear friends and most certainly I have NOT forgotten you. (NOTE TO SELF: KEEP LOOKING FOR BLUE'S HUMOR) For now I ask Our heavenly Father to look after each and every one of you, may he bless and answer your prayers for your loved ones. May he take each and everyone of you to his heart and bless you with love, peace and joy.And Most importantly, know that I love you all with all my heart, I humbly THANK-YOU with much gratitude for your prayers and kindness toward me.And I truly believe it is your prayers and thoughts that have helped me in this difficult time. I really do believe that God has heard your prayers for me and I'm letting you know he has blessed me by letting me know that my Friends here are called ANGELS. God Bless dear Friends, Blue PS.Thanks Edda for getting me started, next time I'll really try to keep it short!!! Love ya
|
Printable Version
Prayers for "Bluemoon" - 
RE: Prayers for "Bluemoon" - 
~Lori
, it is SO good to hear from you!
This is often wake-up time and big stuff often crosses our path. It makes us stronger in the end, despite being horrific at the time. And you are not alone. We are all fighting our various battles. If only we could "let go and let God" as the saying goes. I know I never give up even though I expect I should sometimes. I fought long and hard to stay living where I am, but what a painful and hazardous journey it has been. I've come close to losing the friendship of my children for one thing. 
Perhaps you should start a new carreer writing suspense novels?? 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread