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Thankful one -> RE: Today I Feel "Gratitude Challenged...." (6/24/2008 8:38:07 AM)
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Jude, Edda, Juliana, Betty, Marie and others,
Thanks for caring and sharing your wisdom. I appreciate your concern and the good advice in your replies. Maybe I should have been more complete in my description of my ceremony, but by the end of my post I was really emotional.
The ceremony was to bury the daily relationship that I had with them which is over and for which I needed to grieve. I used to be with them daily and now I am not. I really miss starting my day having breakfast with them, seeing them throughout the day, at all the daily special times we would create like with spontaneous dance performances, etc. The part of my life where I saw them every day and spent delightful hours with them is over.
I felt a strong need to grieve for the loss of that daily contact of our relationships that is now over.
The ceremony was not to bury my relationship with them because I know I will have always some sort of relationship in our hearts now and forevermore. I don't know what form that will take and can only pray about it.
The ceremony was to remember my love for them and not leave the spot where we used to share our hearts without somehow acknowledging the love that was in my heart for them and in their heart for me. I know in my hearts how much they both will always love me. I know they are both sad because I don't see them every day.
I know this from having seen them in person and talked with them on the phone recently. It's real clear to me where their hearts are at. It's real clear from all that they have shared with me.
I got the opportunity to visit with them before they left. It was a very special time that both my girls, especially my oldest girl, got to be together with me and we all got to share our mutual love.
It is abundantly clear to me when my daughters told my wife to relax so they can get some time with me. I could not miss their sentiments in all that they did that day hugging me, wiping away my tears and telling me that they loved me.
When told by my wife that they could not open the Christmas presents I had bought them, they both turned and defiantly looked at her and said, "Mom, come on!". I know they are fighting to keep a relationship with me and that they are consistently and visibly upset with their mother for stopping that relationship.
When my wife said that they couldn't open any more presents on several occasions, they just looked at her until she sat back down and let them open their presents. They were pretty clear that they knew that their mother had lost it and that they needed to be in charge of the meeting because she was unable.
My wife said that they could not bring any presents with them with them in the car. She said they couldn't poosibly use them in the back seat of the car buckled into car seats. They turned and stared at her until she relented. They kept getting a few more presents to take with them. When they got up to leave they insisted on keeping the presents with them. The girls were both holding as many of the presents as they could carry tightly to their chests all the way to the car as if to say that they will be keeping what I have given to them close to their hearts.
I have had the wonderful opportunity to have two phone conversations with them recently.
It's unmistakeable in the first conversation with the girls to hear phrases like, "Dad, I really miss you" and "Dad, we're at WalMart". My oldest daughter was frustrated and upset that my wife had made the girls phone conversation with me be from WalMart where it was quite distracting. My daughter did everything to keep the conversation alive and held her own in the conversation so that the conversation would linger and she would be able to tell me about her life and ask me about mine.
It is clear to me when told the conversation needs to be over, my oldest daughter wants to raise her voice loud and proud in an independent manner as a rebuke to my wife and say, "Dad, I really love you".
It's clear to me that when given the phone on the last conversation with my youngest daughter. My youngest daughter starts telling me all about the play she is going to be in and is surprised when told that she has to end the conversation when it is going the best. My oldest daughter was even more demonstrable with sharing her love.
Since then, I was told that I could send them art supplies as birthday presents. Both my oldest daughter and my youngest daughter were loud in their expressions of joy knowing that this would occur. I sent them each a big box of things they would appreciate.
Then I find out that she repeatedly refused to let the girls have the presents. When I mentioned the question of whether they had got their birthday presents, my oldest daughter was surprised to learn that her Mom had not given them to her and her sister.
What I am now grieving for is three things. I am grieving for my own loss. I am grieving for my wife's loss. I am mostly grieving for the girls loss.
I am an adult and have many years of love and loss to provide some stability through this crisis. They don't have that background. They have led very protected lives with constant reassurance of the love I had, their mother had, and their friends had with them.
Like nearly all parents, we both have done everything we could to make sure to prevent their little hearts from any damage. How can they and their hearts cope with this sudden removal of the most important loving man in their life? How can they process something that they have nothing to compare to experiencing?
I can share my love for them by sending them love and light every day many times a day. I can keep all the good memories alive in my heart. But it grieves me to tears when I think about their young hearts breaking.
As I move away from where we had shared so much love, I wanted to somehow honor that all that we had shared here in a tangible way. It seems disrespectful to not acknowledge the love that has occurred here.
I wanted to leave a testimonial of the love I had for them and the love that they had for me. So I honored that love we shared as a father and two daughters as being permanent and unchangable by placing a very real and lasting memory of them in the sacred ground where we shared love as a devoted father and daughters. I wanted the memorial to be with something that was meaningful to them in a spot where love had been allowed to flourish.
Does this make any more sense? It is a very positive memory that I am creating. I love them and they love me. It is an unwillingness to let our love die that motivated me to leave a reminder to never give up on the love we shared or to lose hope.
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