MMinTN
Posts: 5
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
|
Hello. I just joined in the middle of the night, unable to sleep after loosing my mother on May 12th. I don't seem to be handling this as well as the rest of you who have lost your mothers, which makes me feel so weak compared to the rest of you. I'm to the point of not functioning. It's an effort to move from a chair to a bed. After telling my sister-in-law how tired I was, that it is actually an effort to move, as though heavy weights are holding my body down, she told me this happened to her after her mother's death -- that a week after her mother's funeral she simply could not get out of the bed. She suggested I get on an antidepressant, which helped her, but not me; so far, anyway. I am filled with guilt at things I didn't take the time to do with my mother, etc., when I had the chance. My father was a 30 year Navy career man, I was an only child, and moving so frequently, more often than not my mother was my best friend. We had many good times together, and sadly, a few bad times. My husband & I left our home to live the last year of her life with her. She went quickly from last summer after being told she needed to wear a heart monitor, then a pacemaker implant, a heart attack in December of 2007, a stroke which left her legs paralyzed this past spring, other horrible strokes I witnessed, and finally one night I realized that she hadn't been calling for my husband or myself all during the night for what began to be, I am so!!! ashamed to say, an annoyance almost to me; every three minutes maximum (literally) calling for something, leaving me so sleep deprived. I was afraid to go to her bedroom the next morning after realizing she hadn't called us once during the night. My husband checked on her, and told me we needed to once again call an ambulance. I will never forget the look on her face: eyes staring at the ceiling, mouth wide open, hearing us but looking as though she were already deceased, trapped in what was now a totally paralyzed body. She spent the last few weeks of her life in the hospital. Another horrible guilt that I live with daily is that she was alone in the hospital when she died. Being an only child, after loosing her, I am "alone" re: family. Yes, I have my husband, two daughters, one who lives 10 hours away, the other 1,500 miles away in Wyoming, yet it's not the same as having a brother or sister, as my sister-in-law who I mentioned above found out after recently learning that her sister had beem diagnosed with breast cancer. Then & only then could she relate with my feeling of being totally alone. Thankfully, her sister's cancer had not spread to any lymph nodes, etc., and a full recovery is expected.
To make matters worse, our granddaughter, who my husband & I have had legal custody of since she was the age of 3, (I raised her from birth), went to visit her mother (our daughter's who lives 10 hours away child) this summer and was to return to us by now to start back to school. I am proud to say that my daughter's life has improved, but I cannot help but be heartbroken yet again that my granddaughter, who was like another daughter to me rather than my granddaughter, will be 8 years old in November and we have -- my husband & I -- (actually, she was raised 90% or more just by me until she reached the walking, talking, potty-trained, easier to understand age at 3), had her whole life, isn't returning to us; she has chosen to stay with her mother. It's like loosing first my mother, then "my child". Which has made a clinical depression I was digging my way up from begin all over again. I found this news out yesterday re: my "granddaughter".)
Feelings of guilt re: my mother & loss of my mother and now my granddaughter overwhelm me. Yesterday was back to "non-functioning": i.e., spending the day on the sofa, even with the antidepressant....
Can anyone relate to my situation at all?
Feeling so hopeless in Tennessee....
Marti.
|
Printable Version
RE: lost my mom - 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread