In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way

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HurtN4CertN -> In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/9/2007 1:17:55 PM)
Hi, I am so grateful I found this forum. I need help as I am literally at the end of my rope. I have always been very much resiliant, but I am afraid this time I am anot. I am a 2 time survivor oafter going through chemotherapy and I have always been grateful for that. I cared for my mom who has alzhimers for anealy 7 years until 4 years ago when I was forced to place her in a nursing home because physically I was just no able to meet her needs. I have always tried to make the best of a bad situation and did my best to hold my head above water despite all obstacles and there have been many. In the last month my life has been like a nightmare and each time I try and wake up from this nightmare I open my eyes to an even worse situation. I am all prayed out. My heart is broken and my soul is beaten down. Never in 52 years of life have I ever considered ending it all as I have in the last week. It all started when my 17 year old faithful companion dog had to be euthanised. Yes I know some would say "it is only a dog" but when you have never been married and have no children a dog is your family. So Ok as as heartbroken as I was I prayed and accepted it as best I could. The day after Thanksgiving I was blindsided by a housing inspector who with out noticed came to my apartment with intentions of failing an inspection. I have lived here for 19 years and this house has always been up to code. Not only did this inspector traumatize me with a suprise visit(banging on the door, I thought something had happened to my elderly father and the police were trying to locate me) he failed the inspection in a way that my landlord would have no choice but to put me out on the streets. It is something that cannot be repaired as my wonderful landlord is being accused of having an illegal apartment which is simply not true. All I can do s cry thinking of having no where to go in the cold of New England winter. My doctors are well aware of his and are willng to support me, but I will NEVER survive having to move. I am so frightened and alone all I can do is cry and think of how my landord is being placed in such a position. He is taking a loss in rent by having me here in the first place and even though he would love me to stay he has no choice in the matter. I am so sick over this. Here it is Christmastime and I see people asking for all kinds of expensive gifts and I read here of how so many people are hurting and I am one of them. As I said for the first tie in my life I am considering how much better off everything would be if I were dead. I know suicide is murder but if I am homeless I might as well be dead. I have prayed so hard but I am not sure God even cares anymore. I did light a candle and tomorrow I will call the inspectors to see if there is a way to resolve this, but I am not holding any hope. The way things have been gong ofr me it is hughly unlikely there will be any resolution. Thanks for reading this. DonnaMarie

sharon -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/9/2007 1:50:00 PM)
Hi I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through just lately. I can understand a little of what you've been through with your dog as mine is poorly at the moment he's been to the vets 3 times this week and is on medication to hopefully make him better. I put on here about my dog the other day at the time I felt a bit silly been upset over a dog but people have been really understanding and supportive. I am not married and have no children not that I've ever wanted to have any so my dog is the most important thing to me apart from my mum and I know I will be heartbroken when I do lose him. What I really wanted to say is I can understand where you are coming from regarding the thoughts of suicide as I have them and I haven't just thought about it I've gone down the road trying to kill myself on many occasions and somehow I'm still here. I now have to live with kidney failure which is probably caused through what I've done although the doctors don't say it but its stands to reason as I never had any problems in that way before. I struggle to get through every day or sometimes to even get out of bed because of how I'm feeling but I am still here. I know you've got massive problems with housing and you would rather be dead than be homeless but is that what you really want. Once you make that choice to end your life which I really really hope you don't you may not be able to come back from that that would be devastating for the ones who love you that are left behind. I can't say that I will never try again. My best friend said she would be heartbroken if I killed myself and asked me to promise I wouldn't do it again and I said I can't promise that but I would try not to but who knows. I hope what I'm saying makes sense and that I haven't offended you with anything I've said as that is not my intention I just wanted you to know that I understand how you are feeling and for you to know that people do care best wishes sharon

J1937 -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/9/2007 3:19:53 PM)
Donna Marie and Sharon, Who can read your messages and not feel moved? I am reminded of the times when I was in that condition - not knowing how it would be possible for me to survive only the next hour, leave alone the next days... I remember lighting a candle and looking into the bright yellow light of the flame..., thinking: if such warm light is possible, there will be a solution to my problem, things will change... And they did, slowly, but they did. Today I am so grateful that I survived all misery, that I was able to enjoy so many hours of contentment, even happiness once things were better again. I know that one cannot pray in words when in deepest need, but then your crying out itself IS your prayer, and it will eventually be heard. I am lighting candles for you, and I´ll pray for you. Do come back here! Love and blessings! Juliana _____________________________ Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

buttington -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/9/2007 5:41:18 PM)
Dear Donna Marie and Sharon. I too am deeply moved by your posts. But you have both made the first big step - that of asking for help, and that of sharing with us your deepest sorrows. I don't think I would ever take my own life, but, as Sharon says, "who knows." I do have children, and I care deeply about them, but I think it is my pet animals which bring me back to sanity. They are totally dependent on me, and give me unconditional love. I break my heart over every one when they are ill or die. All I can say is, keep on asking for help. Trust that it will come. Do come back and keep us updated about how you feel. Much Love to both, Jude

Vicky -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/9/2007 7:24:41 PM)
Donna Marie & Sharon, I was so deeply moved my both of your postings. You are both so honestly pouring out your feelings. I have to feel that God has lead you both to this site to find the love and support that you need at this time. I know that God lead me here months ago and I find myself coming here daily for support, help and love. You too will find this here. Donna Marie, I pray that you will be able to resolve the apartment inspection problem and I am so sorry about your dog. Pets become "family" members and we have to mourn their passing, just like any other family member. Bless you. [image]http://s195.photobucket.com/albums/z299/lacatx/th_InPrayers5FRoses1111.jpg[/image] Sharon - I pray that your dog gets better soon. Jude - once again you have wonderful words of wisdom.

artemis611 -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/9/2007 7:36:34 PM)
DonnaMarie, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I don't know what size town you live in, here we have a housing authority that helps people find decent, affordable housing. Please try to find something like that or some kind of social service agency that can at least point you in a direction. Hugs to DonnaMarie and Sharon. Lori

Hildegard -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/9/2007 8:48:44 PM)
Dear Donna Marie, welcome to the forum! I tried to reply to you earlier in the afternoon, but I was interrupted and I was unable to get my message posted. My heart goes out to you! In the meantime others have already said everything I had intended to write. I would add just one more suggestion. Do you or your landlord have a lawyer who could intervene on your behalf, at least to get a stay before you have to leave? This would give you more time to find a new place to stay. I'll keep you in my prayers! Sharon - thank you for sharing your story with Donna Marie. I think it helps to know that others have to cope with similar feelings and/or situations. Wishing you both courage, strength and peace, Much love, Edda

Imenuff -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/10/2007 2:14:14 PM)
Dear Donna Marie, You are truly having a MARY Advent season. May you have, as Mary did, a blessed Christmas. I think most of us if we are truly honest have had times in our lives where the only solution seemed to be to "end it all" During several of those personal hellatious Advent/Christmas seasons, my spiritual companion at the time suggested that I invite Mary in. I began to really think about what Her "Advent" (time of waiting)was like. I can't even imagine leaving home, being nine months pregnant, riding a donkey on really rough terrain, sleeping on theside of the road on cold rocky ground and then being "shelterless" in a foreign land as she went into labor. Please understand, I am not in any way trying to make light of your situation. (There is no reason, in a country like this, that things like that should happen.) What I am saying is that if anyone understands your pain/fear/sense of hopelessness, Mary does. Her Advent was not all this bright colored tinsel, expensive presents, etc. I am sure the stench of an animal shelter must have turned her insides over in horror to think that this is where she would give birth to her first child. Dear One, Please don't "Pray" to her. Just, please spend some quiet moments with her and let her comfort you in your seemingly hopeless situation as the Holy One comforted her with the Babe of Love. Because I am on retreat now, there is much more time to just be in the Sacred Presence. Know that you will be held there to be blessed and conforted by the Holy One, as Mary was. Much love and prayers,

Audur -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/11/2007 7:28:40 AM)
Dear Donna Marie, I believe everything I could think of has been said before, but I would like to tell you, that you are in my prayers and that I´ll light a candle for you. God bless and shelter you! Love, Barbara

Alchemist -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/11/2007 8:31:21 AM)
DonnaMarie I also have been where you are. On three separate occasions I was within 2 weeks of being thrown into the streets. Once I was within a day and a half. The worst part was having a spouse and three little children who were dependent on me. My spouse does not handle stress very well and kept asking 'What are YOU going to do?'. I felt like the world's biggest loser. I was hiding my car at night so the repo man couldn't take it. I didn't see any solutions. I kept thinking of that scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" where George Bailey is told it's a sad state of affairs when a man is worth more to his family dead than alive. I couldn't have agreed more at the time. But I had a feeble, sputtering spark of hope of a miracle. And each time something unexpected happened to get me past the crisis. Though the world would not call those small things a miracle, they felt like it at the time. Who would look at an unexpected phone call offering me a part-time job in a scrap yard as a miracle? But it seemed like one when almost all hope was gone. I am Beholding you as the Child of God you are and Heiress to the Kingdom. May your miracle be much grander than mine have been. Alchemist

Lori -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/11/2007 9:08:12 AM)
(((DonnaMarie))) I am so sorry about your situation and my deepest condolences on the loss of your faithful companion, your "child"....I too have lost a child- my 24-year-old son lost his life in an automobile accident on the 22nd of December of last year. I am still trying to stay out of that deep black hole of grief and sorrow. I understand your feelings of dispair and wanting to end it all. Please have hope and I will keep you in my daily prayers. I also agreee with the suggestion about locating an housing authority program in your area. Again, DonnaMarie I will ask God to bring you peace, hope and comfort at this difficult time. Keep in touch with us all here and let us know how everything is going.... God Bless............~lori

celtic star -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/11/2007 7:33:27 PM)
Hi Donna Marie, I am so sorry to hear about your diffficulties, I pray that the Angels send you the help that you need right now to ease the stresses you are dealing with. I ask this in the name of Love.Amen

HurtN4CertN -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/13/2007 5:24:26 PM)
I would like to thank all who responded to my post. On Monday I tried making all kinds of calls to lawyer, inspectors, ect and I got no where. I decided to pray and surrender it all to the Lord at that point. I am so low right now that I have to ave faith that God will take care of the whole situation. I have even lit a candle for the person (inspecto) who caused this. That was difficult believe me, but I did pray that God soften his heart. At any rate, this is where I am at today. Just because I feel like dying doesn't mean I have to kill myself. Again, I thank all of you for taking the time to welcome me and remeber me in your prayers. God Bless, Donna Marie

Hildegard -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/13/2007 6:49:07 PM)
Dear Donna Marie, I am sorry that your efforts have not proven more fruitful. Putting your troubles into the Lord's hands and praying about it is a good thing. Somethimes help comes from unexpected places. Perhaps your landlord needs to get his lawyer involved to see how the situation can be rectified or what other resources can be activated. I keep you in my prayers, Much love, Edda

sharon -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/14/2007 9:01:51 AM)
DEar Donna Marie I am not sure whether you took my post the wrong way or not as you say in your post just because I feel like dying doesn't mean I have to kill myself. I certainly was not suggesting that was what you should do quite the opposite I was just telling you a bit about my story and that I understood how you were feeling but now I'm feeling that I shouldn't have said anything as mybe its been taken the wrong which is not what I wanted to happen. Its not easy to admit the things I've done and I'm not proud of it but I just hoped it would help you to think again when you were feeling that desperate. In the future I will keep my opinons to myself and leave this site as I've obviously said the wrong thing and I am sorry. I hope your housing problems are soon sorted out best wishes sharon

buttington -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/14/2007 1:23:23 PM)
Dear sharon, I really hope you won't leave this site as your opinions and experience are really valuable here. I don't think anyone has misunderstood. Please reconsider. We love to hear from you. Much Love Jude.

Hildegard -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/14/2007 2:00:55 PM)
Dearest Sharon, I agree completely with Jude. You did not say anything wrong and I don't believe anyone misunderstood you. As a matter of fact I thanked you for sharing your story! So, please, don't leave the forum. Your insights are important and valuable and we like to accompany you in your struggles. Stay with us, we love you!!! Edda

Vicky -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/14/2007 9:21:47 PM)
Sharon, I agree with Edda & Jude. I was very moved by your story and did not take any offense to your words. You were just trying to help. Do not leave... we need you here. Have a nice weekend. Donna Marie - I hope that you are able to get your housing situation straightened out. Have faith and it will all work out.

Hope coach -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/14/2007 11:30:14 PM)
Donna Marie...welcome...I have children and family however our Lady dog was family and when I had to make the choice to put her down I suffered guilt loss grief and in depth ....the vet was afraid to let me leave his office he called someone to get me home so I do understand...I have also been homeless twice and know you can recover from homelessness it is difficult and despairing and being ill magnifies the problems you have but I have witnessed the spirit overcome the physical and I know prayer works. The day I thought my life ended I was homeless on a bench sitting from being tired of walking as I sat there I watched others drive by in cars, still others getting on buses I had a place to sleep at night I was very grateful but sad my daughter and grandaughter had to stay with others...I felt totally worthless and fear gripped me in a way I cannot describe I was numb....the thought went through my mind to just give up totally surrender as I spiritually surrendered a flock of geese noiseily flew overhead as I looked up they were in a perfect V at that point I felt God's grace and power...he helped me find the strength to get off the bench, find a job, find a place , my children came home...and life began again not as I saw it as God planned it ,,,we often see ourselves in places like apts or with people we do not believe we can survive without but with God we do better than survive we recover over and over again and this leads us to that transition of life to spirit. You are truly walking in the path of Mary nd the Christ child and as they had a place in the Inn so shall you....call churches, social service agencies, tell neighbors the more you speak it the more you will manifest it. You are in my prayers...... Namaste and hugs Hope coach Barbara T.

Hope coach -> RE: In a Bad Way~A Really Bad Way (12/14/2007 11:35:47 PM)
Sharon all I can say is you in the most honest and sincere manner gave us a peek into what depression and suicidal thinking is, how it impacts choices, the consequences it causes and you can help many unnderstand better as I do by sharing as you have.....your input has been valuable. I also want to share a new web site I found called FacingUs.org for people with Depression or Bipolar it looks like a positive support. Namaste and hugs Hope coach Barbara T.

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