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louie -> RE: Shine on, Jake (1/10/2008 4:58:48 PM)
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I feel like a whiner.
I know it hasn't even been 6 months since my son died, and I am trying to be patient with myself (and those in close proximity), although patience has never been one of my strong points.
My family and close friends tell me that I never ask for help, and that I need to. Help with what? (I'm not being facetious...I really don't know what it is that I should be asking for help with. There is nothing that can be done for me. I just need to keep forging ahead and hope that time will help to ease the pain.
My son's addictions created an unbelievable amount of stress in the family, and anyone who has lived through what we have will know what I mean. Addictions sap the personality from the person you love. They rob sleep, peace, joy and contentment. I remember so well what it was like to lie awake in the wee hours, wondering where my son was and whether or not he was even alive, because he would go days, weeks, and sometimes months without communicating with us. I developed migraines and ulcers and a horrible cynicism about life. I feared his death for years before it actually occured. I would imagine him lying dead and undiscovered someplace and that is exactly what happened to him - my worst fear realized.
We had to travel 2 hours to the city he lived in - a huge, major US city where we had to find the morgue and identify his body. We (my husband and I) viewed him, and neither of us were able to identify his remains since he had been in the July heat in his apartment for 4 or 5 days. We identified a picture of a scar on his foot from an incident that nearly killed him when he was 11 years old, but the medical examiner still went with dental records, just to be sure.
They wouldn't let us go into the room where his body was in the morgue, so we didn't get to hug him and kiss him goodbye. I know that was just his shell, but he is my son.
I can't get over my anger at the two people who knew he was lying dead in his apartment, but said nothing. They didn't even make an anonymous call to 911 to report a death, or have a welfare check done. I am so filled with pain, grief, loss and hatred...life seems hopeless right now. I don't know how to talk to the Supreme Being anymore (and, frankly, I've been pretty angry at God, too, so that hasn't really been an issue until lately).
How am I supposed to get over this and 'get on with my life'? Get on to where? To do what?
Please, if anyone can help in any way, I am open to it. I hate life so much right now, and the counseling I've participated in the past few months is not touching this pain. Also, the candles in my group and the prayers that accompany them might help. They can't hurt.
Thanks for listening.
Donna
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