Journeys of healing - from darkness to light

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (buttington)

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 06:01:16 GMT

"If I am a good dad to Darcy it will make up for the sort of dad my own was. Being a good dad for Darcy will change how my dad was"!!!!

Obviously you can't change the sort of dad yours was, but maybe your logic is trying to find some humanity in him, which there was of course, despite everything.

Love,
Jude

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (joeharmony)

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:57:27 GMT

When you see or feel this enormous weight on your back, stop walking and take it off. Leave it by the roadside or place it in the basket of a hot-air balloon and see it fly away from you. Make yourself some armour to deflect the arrows, and a shield to protect you.

I saw my counsellor today, and I made sense of what I had written. The weight is my life, and all the should's, and must not's, and not good enough's, and my living the definition of me that was imposed on me, and the neediness that comes, ironically, from believing that I was not worth anything (I found some of that today, still crippling my soul), and the needing to be needed, and rescuing when there needed to be caring, and all my relationships being with people I know will hurt me, etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum.

I found today, when I explored my need to be a dad for Darcy, that, hidden away in my psyche is the logic that says:
"If I am a good dad to Darcy it will make up for the sort of dad my own was. Being a good dad for Darcy will change how my dad was"!!!!

I have spent so long trying to change the old patterns in me. The journey has involved finding so much pain and fear and anger buried away in me, and taking it out and letting it go. But it is never done; I never get to a point when I can say "now I can rest and feel it's good to be me". Maybe one day, before this life is over.

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (Hildegard)

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 07:28:45 GMT

Dear Joe,

I am just now catching up with this thread. I am so sorry that things did not turn out the way you had hoped. So many wise things have already been said. Just let me tell you that you are in my prayers. May you receive all the strength and patience you need to remain standing, knowing that you have done all that you can do!

With love and prayers,
Edda

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (buttington)

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 06:19:40 GMT

While I'm walking I'm also carrying an enormous weight on my back, and from time to time I am struck by arrows that always find my heart. Each arrow is more powerful and more painful than the one before. The last arrow has penetrated not just to my heart, but to my soul as well. And there is a voice saying over and over again "You must go on. You promised to get there".

Dear Joe,
When you see or feel this enormous weight on your back, stop walking and take it off. Leave it by the roadside or place it in the basket of a hot-air balloon and see it fly away from you.
Make yourself some armour to deflect the arrows, and a shield to protect you.
Do this as often as you need to. Keep doing it. Don't give up.

Blessings,
Jude

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (joeharmony)

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 02:02:47 GMT

I am walking a tightrope over an abyss. To fall into it would be to never come up. I am moving towards a beautiful light. Many times I have thought I was getting close, but each time it is moved further away. While I'm walking I'm also carrying an enormous weight on my back, and from time to time I am struck by arrows that always find my heart. Each arrow is more powerful and more painful than the one before. The last arrow has penetrated not just to my heart, but to my soul as well. And there is a voice saying over and over again "You must go on. You promised to get there". Right now all I want to do is to sit and rest, gather my strength, and heal from some of the wounds. But I also know that if I decide not to seek the light, or even if I just stop to rest, I will fall into the pit and lose my existence.

Genetically, I am more like my mother's family than my father's. Which means I will probably have another thirty years of life (my mum turned 95 on 17 October).

I just hope that one day between now and when I stand before my Creator I will have a time of rest and peace and gentleness. And giving and receiving respectful love with someone. Love that doesn't have fangs and claws that shred your heart and mind when it leaves.

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (J1937)

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:54:23 GMT

Dear Joe,

I hope and pray you´ll remain standing whatever happens. May Angels be around you at this challenging time, which is also a time of Grace. Another candle is burning.

With Love,
Juliana

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (lilsparrow)

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 07:00:26 GMT

Dear Joe . . .
I am sorry for this news,
but not really surprised.
It has been a long haul,
and looks to be longer yet.
You must stay strong and focused,
and not get sidetracked into anger and recriminations,
for in the end
they will not serve you . . .
as Jude has said,
perhaps bringing your sister in
might help.
I do understand that the stigma of 'sexual abuser' can stick
even if the accused is innocent.
Perhaps some of these accusations are designed to make you 'lose your cool' . . .
don't let them deter you.
In the time you have until February,
concentrate on being present to your own truth
without anger
with much love . . .
sparrow

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (buttington)

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 06:45:51 GMT

Dear Joe,
I'm really sorry for this new stumbling block. February is not that far away, and it will give you time to become stronger.
Don't be tempted to go down that hole. Darcy doesn't want that burden to carry later in his life.

Go for some kind of supervised access to Darcy. Is your sister able to physically be with you at such a time? Having a woman with you, as well as the supervision, may make them more likely to allow it.

Prayers continue,

with Love,
Jude

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (joeharmony)

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:46:15 GMT

Here we go again.

I should have known that the idea of my getting access to Darcy would happen without a fight. At the hearing today the case was adjourned to February, with us asking for the adjournment. I was presented with the information that my ex-wife, Lorraine is now alleging that I sexually abused my now 21 year-old daughter, Elayna. Also the three children have written affidavits detailing the "abuse" they say they suffered at my hands. The allegations are nonsense (e.g. that me teaching them to read was abusive), and are mostly inadmissable as evidence, but they have made the case far more complicated than it was going to be.

Ironically, I had said to my sister Kim on Saturday that at least I was not being accused of sexual abuse, and voila there it is. Lorraine and Julie are determined to totally bury me, and it's really hard right now not to dig the hole for them. There is nothing in my life that has been as nasty and evil as this. Lorraine and Julie know my history, and they know how this allegation will affect me, whether or not it is allowed to be aired in court.

So I'm not to have Christmas with Darcy. And I have to decide whether I have the strength to keep fighting, knowing that in all likelihood it will get worse rather than better. I had a lawyer to help me up to now, but I've about reached the end of my funds, so it will be duty solicitors on the day of the hearing who will be guiding me through the maze.

I can already feel the Guiding Hand reminding me of my promise to Darcy to do whatever it took to be his dad. So I'm not even being given any time to feel sorry for myself. I wish I could just go into hibernation until the end of January.

______________________________________________________

I had almost forgotten what the ground looked like up close.

Joe

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (Hildegard)

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 08:28:12 GMT

Dear Joe,

I am keeping you in my prayers! A candle is burning for you!

Love,
Edda

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (J1937)

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 08:23:33 GMT

And get some sleep the night before the hearing.

Dear Joe,

I agree with you and with Jude that it will be very important for you to be calm and controlled when you are in court. A good night´s sleep is a prerequisite for this state of mind. From experience I know that one can arrive there as soon as one gives up control, resting assured that the Holy One, who has called Darcy into being, will take care of him and grant what is best for him. A candle will be lit and I´ll keep you in my prayer.

With Love,
Juliana

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (lilsparrow)

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 07:32:11 GMT

My prayers too,
are with you Joe
with love . . .
sparrow

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (buttington)

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:25:16 GMT

What I definitely need to do is be very calm and controlled when I'm in court.

Yes indeed!

I will be thinking of you and a prayer and candle will be offered.

with Love,
Jude

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (joeharmony)

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 10:03:49 GMT

I spent six hours today with my lawyer finalising my response to Julie's application to the Family Court. We are asking for unsupervised access, starting with six hours a week. It was absolutely clear that I could not have done this without the expert guidance of a lawyer to guide me in how the application needed to be put together.

My lawyer seemed quite optimistic about the possibility of me being granted what I want, and having seen Julie's application I'm feeling hopeful. She has included a lot of material to try and paint me as a terrible person, but it's been done in a childish way which I can see would be likely to make the judge question her character and mental health, rather than question whether I am a risk to Darcy's safety.

Now all I have to do is get through the next three days. I mostly feel quite calm, but I'm having spikes of anxiety. What I definitely need to do is be very calm and controlled when I'm in court. And get some sleep the night before the hearing.

Then it will b a matter of getting Julie to abide by the court orders. But we'll jump that hurdle when we come to it.

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (Tonya_R)

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 12:08:00 GMT

Hello Joe. I'm new here and I was reading through your Journal. I just want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. May you feel more and more peace within each day. May the Son shine brightly upon you. God bless.

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (J1937)

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:46:43 GMT

it's nice to have a better understanding of how it all happened.

Dear Joe,

I can understand you very well there. Hopefully finding and reading Julie´s journal also makes you see her in a milder light, since anger is never a good advisor. It is good to know that you have prepared yourself so well. You are kept in my prayer.

With Love,
Juliana

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (buttington)

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:12:48 GMT

Dear Joe,
I do understand your need to have an explanation! I'm glad the journal gives you some insights that make sense to you.

A little thing that niggles at me Don't make this into a competition.
I hope you don't mind me saying that. Darcy's wellbeing is at the heart of this. I pray that the outcome will be the very best for him.
The truth will out.

Blessings to you and keeping you in my thoughts,
Jude

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (joeharmony)

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:11:33 GMT

Dear Sparrow

I appreciate your concern. I used Champix successfully about eighteen months ago, and only started smoking again when the situation with Darcy blew up in my face. I'm currently able to go for up to three hours without having a cigarette, so I'm not expecting huge problems. Of course, I'm still in the stressful situation that got me puffing again, although I'm feeling a huge amount stronger and able to cope.

I saw the paralegal at my lawyer's today. We've finished my affidavit (finally) and it's 120 paragraphs! VERY thorough. Julie has 35 paragraphs in hers, so I'm guessing mine will be a bit more informative than hers. We've covered just about every thing that's even vaguely relevant. Apparently the judge will get most of his/her information about the case from the affidavits, and we'll have the chance to give a short statement to back them up.

I discovered something on Friday that has given me a whole new understanding of Julie's attitude and behaviour. When she left she left behind some journal pages she had written during the pregnancy, from week 10 to week 22. In them she talks abput how much she hates her mum and her sister, she talks about how what the neighbours were supposed to be doing (paranoia plus), she talks about the ante-natal clinic (also paranoia plus), how the pregnancy was going, her mental illness, and bits and pieces of a few other topics. What she doesn't mention at all is me. Not a word. So I figure that even by the end of the first trimester she had separated herself and her baby from me emotionally. I had thought it happened about 28 weeks, but I now think it was a lot earlier. And this explains a lot of her behaviour during the pregnancy that I put down to her illness.

This doesn't really change much in terms of the present situation, but it's nice to have a better understanding of how it all happened.

ONLY ONE WEEK TO GO till the hearing!!!!! Bring it on!!!!!

__________________________________________________

I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky!

Joe

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (lilsparrow)

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:04:59 GMT

Dear Joe . . .
I don't know how often you visit the 'today I am grateful...' thread,
but I posted a message there for you
that I will copy here . . .

Dear Joe . . .
I am glad to hear that you are committed to conquering the 'smoking' demon.
I quit on 7 January this year,
and am still quitting . . .
it's an ongoing thing and I do not ever feel like I have completely conquered it.
Just last night
I dreamed of having a cigarette,
and was relieved when I awoke to see that it was only a dream,
but I never take my 'victory' for granted.
Just a few words of caution . . .
the Champix, or Chantix as it is called in the US
can have some very bad side-effects,
especially in people who have suffered depression and/or suicidal thoughts.
Do some research and
Pay attention to your feelings!
My prayers are with you . . .
it is no small task you are embarking on.

I am also keeping you in my prayers as you prepare for court,
that all will go well,
and that everything will be
just as it should be
with love and hope . . .
sparrow

Re:Journeys of healing - from darkness to light (buttington)

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 05:29:28 GMT

And the first access visit I have with him I will take lots of photos and post them all.

We will be praying and looking forward for that!

Blessings,
Jude