I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love....

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (Hildegard)

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:31:45 GMT

Dear Mary Lou,

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
It is good that you discovered a reason that contributes to your depression. You might want to talk to a nutritionist about what foods are most helpful in lowering your cholesterol. If necessary your doctor may be able to prescibe a different medication that does not affect you adversely!

I keep you in my prayers,

Much love,
Edda

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (lilsparrow)

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:22:29 GMT

Dear Mary Lou . . .
I am sorry to hear that your depression has been worsening,
but it is good that you may have discovered a cause.
Like Jude,
I believe that natural remedies are much more beneficial
if they work.
Flaxseed oil and ground flaxseed have proven helpful to many.
I will continue to hold you in my prayers,
and hope that you will find the solutions you seek
with much love . . .
sparrow

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (lilsparrow)

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:08:44 GMT

God takes residence in a temple only after it is cleaned and made holy. Till then, it is merely a building and not a temple.

Dear Aravind . . .
I love the simplicity of your quote . . .

This especially speaks to me today
with love . . .
sparrow

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (aravindhaksha)

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:21:53 GMT

Hi Mary,

I can relate to your experiences because I have had depression for 12 years.

It's difficult to console someone in depression because the questions to be answered are too many. On the other hand, it may be that an answer may bring a sudden relief...by untying a knot or by triggering a process where everything just falls into place...something that Buddha experienced on his enlightenment.

I'm writing in the light of the above. I wish I could help you somehow.

I would like to share here one experience of mine. There are many suggestions for those suffering from depression and I could say something from that. Those can help but what I say below is something I have experienced firsthand...o it is something that is not merely intellectual but also experiential.

Most people treating depression ignore one glaring thing. They think depression is only a matter of the spirit and that if the spirit is strong, everything will be fine. It is true but there is more to it. What is also true is that depression is regaining of not just spiritual well-being but also material well-being.

So it may well be that a change for the better in your material life will bring you out of depression. You may come across an opportunity that brings in wealth. But for that to happen, you need to be prepared. If you are not prepared, you will not value the opportunity even if it knocks at your door. God takes residence in a temple only after it is cleaned and made holy. Till then, it is merely a building and not a temple. So purify yourself and sit pretty. Before long, God will take residence in you and bless you in all ways.

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (buttington)

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:21:31 GMT

Dear Butterflyspirit,
It sounds as if you got a very timely wake-up call. Like you, I would prefer to try a natural method of lowering cholesterol first. There are lots of foods that do it. Things like porage oats and almonds I believe, for two.

Blessings,
Jude

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (butterflyspirit)

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 01:06:17 GMT

Dearest Friends,

I know it has been almost one month since I wrote anything here. I have been sinking lower and lower into worsened depression. Only two days ago I learned that the cholesterol med I have taken for ten weeks can cause and/or increase depression, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, paranoia, delusions, psychosis.....    I have had the first three in increasing degrees during the ten weeks I took this med.

So now I am exploring alternatives such as red yeast rice, as I really cannot afford increased depression, when I have been treated for clinical depression for twenty years!!   I am glad this question of side effects finally entered my head -- what I call a spiritual nudge to ask more questions.

So I am hopeful that I will be doing better soon.

Thank you so much for your support during this very rough ride. I will return to the site I was originally posting on. And I have learned a lot from all of you and found a lot of love and support.

Love,
butterfly spirit

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (lilsparrow)

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 07:01:13 GMT

I too,
believe that laughter
is a great cathartic . . .
I am happy
that you are feeling better today.
Candles are lit for you,
and for Grace and Ed as well.
'The Rose' is also one of my favorite songs.
Listening to it,
I can feel my heart opening
always
with love . . .
sparrow

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (buttington)

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:10:12 GMT

"A broken heart is an open heart . . . "

This is really what I was saying...

Dear Mary Lou,
I'm glad you feel better today. It sounds as if you've had a busy one!

I enjoyed what you wrote about the laughter. I'm finding more and more that laughter is the best response at times, and a great release.

Blessings,
Jude

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (butterflyspirit)

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:52:55 GMT

Dear friends,

thank you for hanging in there with me.   i continue to find that the only way out of this discouragement is to reach out to others in need.   i have offered my extra bed as a back-up place for a 70 year old woman who was brutally evicted from her farm home yesterday.   i suspect others closer to her (she lives 50 miles away) are helping her. but my friend, my singing partner, who is her neighbor was so upset for what happened to their dear friend. i offered to be a warm, safe place, if needed, because i have been where she is now.   like her, i had absolutely no warning when i became homeless in may 2001.

i appreciate all the comments. sorry i was angry.

years ago, when i was still pastor of a church, i used to do home visitation of shut-ins with an accompanying deacon. one time i remember especially because of the conversation that took place en route. lily was a feisty spirit, now with all the other feisty angels in heaven.   she and her husband came here from scotland.

at this point, my husband had had to go on disability for depression and medical problems without a diagnosis. i had taken over as full-time pastor and was totally stressed out, though i tried not to show it.   lily had had six children, and the two sons had died: one at age 16 in a motorcycle accident years before and the other, the eldest, had taken his own life at age 35. peter's memorial service was the first memorial service i ever led as a minister. i still remember that, when they started playing the song "vincent", which is about van gogh taking his own life, i had to fight to keep it together.

lily and i started talking about all the stupid, ignorant things people had said to us when they did not know what to say.   one of them said to me, after my husband became bedridden almost all of the time was: "this will make him a better minister." (he never returned to ministry and is now somewhere between agnostic and atheist).   then we talked about all the people who said, "god is testing you."    we got laughing so hard when we came up with this response (which neither one of us would ever really say to anyone):   "i've been tested already. i got an a plus. now it is your turn for the test."

we laughed and laughed.   there were other things, but i cannot remember them.    then, we went to take communion to our dear friend, ray, who was homebound and dying of a degenerative muscle disease.

this comment really resonated with me;

         "A broken heart is an open heart . . . "

that is so true. it reminds me of the last verse of one of my favorite songs to sing.

          "it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance,
           it's the dream afraid of waking that never takes a chance,
           it's the one that won't be taken that cannot learn to give,
           and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."

                        from "The Rose"

i am doing much better today, thank you.   since grace, the 70 year old woman, has shelter, i have now offered the same bed to my daughter's on again, off again fiance, who is without heat.   i don't think he will take me up on it, but i have also offered a small amount for groceries or food for the beautiful one year old dog, druss.

one never knows where god will call us next.

please light a candle for grace and one for ed in the ALL space.   they can both use our prayers.

love,
butterflyspirit

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (buttington)

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:52:46 GMT

You lit up my morning with the mention of the Quaker song . . . it is one that is very dear to me . . .

Thank you Sparrow and Mary Lou for the song. It's one of my favourites too.

With Love,
Jude

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (lilsparrow)

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:25:23 GMT

I am sorry,
dear butterfly spirit,
that you are in so much pain . . .
and continue to hold you close in my heart ~
sister of my soul in suffering . . .
I pray that someday
we may be sisters in healing.
You have strength you may not know,
and we are with you in spirit.
Do not give up . . .
do not succumb to temptations into bitterness.
Your salvation lies in love
and in rising above betrayal.
A broken heart is an open heart . . .
let love in,
and with it will come forgiveness.

You lit up my morning with the mention of the Quaker song . . .
it is one that is very dear to me . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnClESui3Zw
I shall carry a vision
of you singing it at the farmer's market
as I go into my day
with much love . . .
sparrow

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (buttington)

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:33:13 GMT

Dear Butterfly Spirit,

I agree life can be hard. Sorry I hurt you, that was not my intention.

Blessings and Love,
Jude

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (butterflyspirit)

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:25:06 GMT

Please forgive my blunt honesty.   When I hear things such as "life lesson" after a whole family being ill over a period of 25 years, having a suicidal husband for years, having been so close to suicidal myself because I cannot take all the pain, watching both of my children go through the same thing, homelessness, rape, poverty ---- if I think of "life lessons", I want to scream.

I do not believe in reincarnation.   I do believe life has tragic moments and periods and years, for some much more than others.   I believe suffering is pretty random.

I also believe in a loving God far beyond what I can imagine. I know that using what I have been through to help another person is the only way I can stand to stay alive. I am so close to the edge at all times recently that, when I hear "life lesson" I want to scream "Then I am quitting school! I don't have to take this abuse."

In Babylonian mythology, human beings were created from the blood of a god who was defeated by Marduk. Human beings were created only to serve Marduk, and therefore, all of life is suffering.

In Buddhism, one of the basic tenets is that all of life is suffering. The highest goal of buddhism is compassion. My adopted Laotian brother is a Buddhist monk. He is now back in Laos. When he was here, I used to call him for spiritual counseling, because he was so gentle and kind.

After my husband collapsed, I became stronger.   But then he no longer loved me, because he preferred the other me.   After I became ill, and then my son, and then my daughter, I broke.

Please do not write to me of life lessons.   I got an A plus in my studies long ago.

I am waiting for hope, joy, love -- new beginnings -- and work towards that.   I was written out of the family will for my third of inheriting the family cottage in Maine.   This has deeply wounded me and devastated my children. Why? Because they do not believe I am physically ill.   I am simply a bad person who deserves nothing, in their eyes.

Now that every clergy friend, all members of my family of origin, all my music friends, all my community friends have disappeared because people run away from chronic illness, I find myself without a hand to hold when things come to their worst.

I think this site is only deepening my depression.   I can't argue about meaning or purpose or interpretation of my experience.

I know the children starving in the streets of Varanasi, India in 1968 were not there for a "life lesson".   I do know that God's test, if there was one, was of the rest of the world to see if we could look beyond ourselves to help others in need.

The only answer I know is love -- losing one's life to find one's life -- reaching out to another struggling in the night. If I stop to think about meaning, I will give up.   Job never found any answers.   The last chapter was tacked on by a later community.   It has different syntax, grammar and vocabulary (yes, I studied Biblical Hebrew). All Job ever finds is God.

I don't know if I can stay here.   It is too painful. Butterflies are beautiful, but they are easily killed.   That is what I feel like living in this world. People can tell me what it all means, but can they give me something to eat?

butterflyspirit

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (buttington)

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 04:59:20 GMT

Dear Mary Lou,
I have come accross so many people who have negative stories to tell about their families, especially parents, and I am very grateful I didn't have such an experience. A very wise counsellor and spiritual friend gave me a very valuable lesson some years ago, that we cannot change anyone else...only ourselves and our own perceptions. To accept people just as they are and to try and love them anyway. Although a hard lesson, this has helped me accept people as they are and not how I would like them to be.
My own Son has given me the hardest life-lessons, as he changed from a loving and gentle child into an aggressive and unkind man. I have no choice but to accept that this is how is at the moment, painful though it is for me, and to keep hope that one day that kind and gentle child will win over.

I realize how painful it must be for you to not have the support of your family, but this must be the life-lesson for you, to find your own inner rescources and your own 'family.'
My husband of 33 years left me nearly 12 years ago, when I was a very timid and dependent woman. I had to start learning independence straight away, and I believe I am a much better and stronger human being now......and far less selfish too. It's taking me all of my life and I guess it's the same for us all, or most of us.

I agree with Sparrow, that you have a "wonderful, powerful gift" in your music. Music can transform us.

It's good to talk to you, dear Butterfly spirit

Love and Blessings,
Jude

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (butterflyspirit)

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 02:25:16 GMT

dearest friends,

all of your sharing is most precious to me.   i have a family of origin, my two older brothers and my mother, who will not even acknowledge or speak of the fact that i was homeless or the reality that i have suffered three sexual attacks between 2001 and 2007.   as far as they are concerned, these things never even happened.   to quote my oldest brother's exact words, they are "figments of my imagination" or things that "supposedly" happened to me.   my mother will only acknowledge the homelessness in a minimal way, and insists that i must have had warning and must have caused this myself.

even with video documentation in one case and rape kit documentation in another, none of the sexual crimes ever happened.   there has never been a word of sympathy or any acknowledge that i have endured something shattering to the soul.

what makes this even more difficult is that my oldest cousin's daughter was date raped in her freshman year of college many years ago. she very, very bravely pressed charges against the young man who raped her.   everyone on my mother's side of the family, including my mother and my two brothers, stood in total support behind her.

tragically, the rapist was acquitted.   the judge had not allowed anyone on the jury who had ever heard of the concept of date rape.   my cousin's young daughter almost took her own life.   her recovery took a long time.   the entire family stood behind her.   today she is happily married and has a beautiful baby.

even with all this, there is no one on my mother's side of the family who will acknowledge anything that has happened to me.   my own family of origin tells everyone else that this is all mental illness and that none of this happened.

this is very, very painful for me.   i think it is even more devastating to my young adult children.    they kept me alive during those months i was homeless, with their gifts of food and my late teenage daughter's financial help from her small income as a hostess as a restaurant. my children have also stood by my side as i went through the legal system with two out of three of these, plus a previous physical attack (not a rape) by an earlier "boyfriend."

when i became disabled and ended up a very ill single parent with two very ill children, i lost the ability to "read" people and pick up warning signs.   i was so desparately in need of help that my mind would separate out the bad things -- dissociate would be the correct term - in order to survive.

i have spent years trying to heal emotionally.   the space i find here, the writing i am doing on my blog, and the longterm project of a book reflecting on the period of homelessness are all helping me to find myself again.

my music is also helping me.   i am trying very hard to finishing copyrighting my over seventy songs and get them recorded.   i have severe financial limitations, but i am still trying.   i believe that music has been the gift of my creator which has given me the strength to survive.   the other thing that has allowed me to survive and begin to heal is the amazing love between myself and my two children.

lilsparrow, when you speak of life, light, and love greater than what i can imagine, i smile. it makes me think of the phrase from one of the promises in my twelve step program: "beyond our wildest imaginations".

i am singing tomorrow, actually later today, at a local farmers' market.   i haven't sung for a group in almost two years, since the sexual assault by the man i had thought was my boyfriend.    it will be very cold, but i will sing as much as i can, until my fingers get numb!!

there is an old quaker hymn that has becoming my themesong in life.

     "since love is lord of heaven and earth,
      how can i keep from singing?"

much love and gratitude for all of you and the kindness and love you give,
butterfly spirit

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (lilsparrow)

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 08:26:20 GMT

Dear butterfly spirit . . .
Your journey
has been hard and not without pain and terror.

out of the darkness comes light. out of despair comes hope. out of death comes life.

I do believe
that many of our most important lessons
are learned through deepest sorrow and suffering.
My life too,
has held much turmoil
including some of the things you talk about.
Somehow,
I have come this far
with my health intact inspite of everything.
I am a slow learner,
and it takes much to make me wake up and take notice . . .
some people can learn from a slap on the hand,
but I had to go down into the pit
over and over again
for my own wakeup calls . . .
It is the 'tragedies'
that have been my salvation in the 'end' . . .
by 'end'
I mean the place where transformation began to occur . . .
you have a wonderful, powerful gift
in being able to write music,
and I believe through its pursuit
you will find more healing than you can imagine,
or perhaps you already know this.
Blessings to you,
dear butterfly spirit,
as you emerge from your cocoon
into life
into light
with love that you cannot yet imagine . . .
sparrow

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (buttington)

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 04:50:00 GMT

Blessings on your day dear MaryLou,

With Love,
Jude

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (sandra67)

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 17:15:52 GMT

Thinking of you Butterflyspirit and holding you in prayer.

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (buttington)

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:13:50 GMT

Dear Butterflyspirit,
I am deeply moved by your story not least because it hits on one of the things that I have always felt strongly about...the willful neglect of the causes and the victims of toxic poisoning.
I am grateful that I do not suffer as you have, but I have been affected by the use of aerial crop spraying with pesticides in the 1970s and 80s, made worse by my own use of similar chemicals to control flea infestations in my home. It made me angry then, and still does, that people were ignored and the truth distorted in favour of proffit.

I did recover from that, but had it triggered in another form by a virus about 4 years ago. Strangely, my acupuncturist suffered the same virus and has the same illness now, but in a way that was lucky for me as he has managed to keep my illness controlled to a minimum with acupuncture.
I am very thankful that I am not seriously ill as many are, and lead a normal life...if a little slower.

I am astounded by your bright spirit, and can I say here, that I saw your picture on your profile and you are a beautiful woman. Beauty within and without!

Writing to Eleanor earlier,(Re: Upset) I became aware that the waterfall has been a feature of my 'inner' life more than I realized. Many years ago I belonged to a meditaion group, and one night we were guided to find our spirit guide and spirit name. It had to be from nature. I think I've written of this on here before, but neither I or you will find it now! so I will rewrite it for you.

We were guided to a place to prepare us for meeting our spirit guide, through woods and paths, until we came to a temple. Mine was like a mud hut in the woods, with thick twigs for a roof and a large, solid wooden door. In my meditation I came to the temple after having to find my way through a waterfall! Now I am not fond of water and hate getting wet, but I have done a lot of things in water in meditation.
I had to walk through this waterfall, that was so bright, the water droplets were like diamonds. (all this was my own experience...not part of the guiding words) the great wooden door in this tiny structure was very significant...going through the door of transformation. Inside it was very dark at first, until I saw rainbow lights streaming through a window in the roof, and a little altar with one candle burning. I was asked to sit with the candle and wait for my next step. Soon a golden door became visible and was being opened a little. I walked towards it and opened it up more........whereapon I was faced with another of my great fears...heights. I was suddenly on top of a very high grass-covered mountain with sheer drops in front of me! I sat down on the grass with some trepidation and saw miles below me, a little line of a river, and before me, in the distance, more mountains with others beyond them covered in snow.

Suddenly I became aware of a large bird flying towards me. It was a Golden eagle. She settled down a few feet from my right and looked straight at me. I was over-awed by her powerful eyes and her strength.

Back in the room, where we all discussed our experiences, my spirit name became "Bright Water Eagle" She had obviously come to me, a timid and hurting woman too scared to say boo to a goose, to help me find my own personal power, to see clearly.....and to fly.

I think your story fits very well into a book, I really do, and...
Butterfly spirit singing woman.....sing, sing, sing.

with Love and Blessings,
Jude

Re:I have been sad and alone so long, I don't know how to reach out for love.... (lilsparrow)

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 07:34:42 GMT

Dear butterflyspirit . . .

we play frisbee every day -- inside the apartment when the weather gets cold. i have only broken something once.

. . . surely less destructive than my four cats!

Peace to you . . .
and to your dear Blu.
You are not alone.
Keep singing
with love . . .
sparrow
♥