Laughter and the Positive Effects

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (buttington)

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:28:38 GMT

Thank you Betty...for a good laugh

Jude

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Isabella Bernardo)

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:43:23 GMT

...The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
...

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Imenuff)

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:36:12 GMT

What would St. Paddy's Day be without a bit of Irish Humor!!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

   Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
   The man said, 'I do, Father.'
   The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
   Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
   'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
   'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
   Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
   O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
   The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
   O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York
   He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
   He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
   After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column 20 that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
   'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
   'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'

   An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
   He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
   'Just water,' says the priest.
   The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
   The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

   Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one – I just had another fight with the little woman.'
   'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
   'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
   'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'
   She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

    Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
    In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
    Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (sandra67)

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:39:11 GMT

It is a gift to be able to laugh at oneself! Too many people take themselves too seriously! I am glad you are not one of them!

Bless you Edda I am very gifted thenhey that's kind of cool!!

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Hildegard)

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 21:35:10 GMT

Dear Sandra,

It is a gift to be able to laugh at oneself!
Too many people take themselves too seriously!
I am glad you are not one of them!

Love,
Edda

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (sandra67)

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:15:43 GMT

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

I am that dim I just read this and thought well whats the joke well at least I never ever claimed to be bright

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (buttington)

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 13:33:40 GMT

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' ------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Imenuff)

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 13:11:34 GMT

You can't make this stuff up!

NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans...
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of
answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines,
Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life..

'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut.. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant... Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

------------------- -----------------------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it..'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!
------------------------------------------------------------
I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"
------------------------------------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
-----------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

-----------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned....
------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
------------------------------------------------------------

And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (buttington)

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 10:17:31 GMT

Thank you Betty, I'm trying not to laugh out loud in the Library!

Jude

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Hildegard)

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 08:30:04 GMT

Dear Betty,

Thank you for the smiles on this Monday morning! Out of the mouth of babes.......!

Love,

Edda

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Imenuff)

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 07:59:02 GMT

Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd.
    While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
     So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit..
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear.."
*******
One Sunday in a Midwest City ,
a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle.
   Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
     Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
*******
One particular four-year old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
*******
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
*******
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service ,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
      One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
*******
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking at the old pages as he turned them.
     Then something fell out of the Bible.
He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
      With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,
"It's Adam 's suit".
*******
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went.
     Then he moved to one side,
getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
     After several circles and jerks,
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
*******
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud..
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
*******
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked ,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
      I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
*******
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
      Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"
*******
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments ..
     They were ready to discuss the last one.
     The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
     Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

May we each have a week that includes many many good laughs this week that
are truly healing for all of us.

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Imenuff)

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 08:45:23 GMT

Dear Isabella,
Perhaps the point of the story was that the first woman was more interested in creating the right impression or image rather than in telling the truth, that she forgot to bake and then being judged for that. The cake was bought by someone and now she feared even more how others would judge her.

The woman who baked the cake was invited to a very fancy lunch by a woman who felt she was so much better than all the other women and probably was always judging others as beneath her. Because she wanted to look better than everybody else, she took the cake and told everyone that she made it.

The "funny part" of the story was that the woman who apparently always did all the judging of others would now herself be judged.

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Isabella Bernardo)

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 10:27:13 GMT

Dear Betty,

maybe, my language is not the best, but I maybe don´t understand the story of the "Cake"...
For me it seems, that noone would do either some toilett paper into a cake, nor to tell someone, that the cake is baken by oneself it who didn´t (even the cook is nearby!!!), also the cook would say: sorry, it must be a mistake because it is mine...

But maybe, I didn´t understand this story because of the language - did I?

love,
is.

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (lilsparrow)

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 06:37:07 GMT

Dear Betty . . .
These have given me a much needed bellylaugh . . .
Thanks

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (buttington)

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 06:26:00 GMT

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq.' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

Out of the mouths of babes........

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Imenuff)

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 19:38:40 GMT

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?


While I sat in the reception area
                of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
                in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
                to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
                and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
                small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
                his mother's lap and walked over to
                the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
                man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My
                mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

*****
As I was nursing
                my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
                daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
                Never having seen anyone breast feed
                before, she was intrigued and full of all
                kinds of questions about what I was doing.
                 After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
                has some of those, but I don't think she knows
                how to use them.'

*****
Out bicycling
                one day with my eight-year-old
                granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
                wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
                to be with your friends and you won't go
                walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
                now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
                too old to do all those things anyway.'

******
Working as a pediatric
                nurse, I had the difficult assignment
                of giving immunization shots to children.
                One day, I entered the examining room to give
                four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
                screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
                not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
                yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
                you!

******
On the way back from a Cub
                Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
                'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
                how do they get there in the first place?' After my
                son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
                spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
                up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
                know the answer.'

*****
Just before I
                was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
                son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
                going to be away for a long time,' I told
                him. 'I'm going to Iraq.'   'Why?' he
                asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
                on over there?'

*****
God's Problem Now.

His wife's graveside
                service was just barely finished, when there was
                a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
                bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
                rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
                looked at the pastor and calmly said,
                'Well, she's there.

*****
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart.

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (lilsparrow)

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 07:21:12 GMT

There is a God . . .

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (bm)

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 16:56:38 GMT

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (buttington)

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 11:22:57 GMT

Oh dear Betty, that is a perfect story!

Re:Laughter and the Positive Effects (Imenuff)

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:48:14 GMT

Needed to revive this to post an email that I received this morning.

THE WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the
ladies who bake for church events: Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the
Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is
not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice
because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house
for something to build up the center of The cake. She found it in the
bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered
it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some
money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it
opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the
daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake
had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.
Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What
would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing
fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about
the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home
of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than
once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single
parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having
already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay
home.. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She
started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful
cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked
it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good.”