my mum

Dear Jude Edda and Sparrow,
I didn't hear from the doctor today hopefully I will hear tomorrow otherwise it will be monday before I get my blood results. Mum has made an appointment to see her doctor on monday as she woke up last night in pain again and needed to take some painkillers then couldn't get back to sleep for ages. I just hope that the doctor can give her an answer as to what is causing the pain whether its due to the bronchitis or something else. She is getting fed up of feeling unwell I will see her tomorrow. I spoke to her this evening and she said she was really tired and poor Rye was in a state it been bonfire night and fireworks going off he is terrified of the fireworks or any loud bangs.
Today hasn't been a good day with the thoughts in my head of doing something to myself. It gets harder and harder not to give into the thoughts. I just wonder if I'm just putting off the inevitable by trying not to do anything when really I should just give in to them I don't know what to think
love sharon
 

Dearest Sharon,
 
There are better days and worse ones as you have already experienced. Doing something to yourself is not in the category of inevitable things. Please, don't do this to your mother. I suggested before to dispose of any means to that end.
Sharon , you are loved, you are a great support to your mother, you are a very caring, loving woman as can be seen from your posts for others. Whatever physical problems you may have can contribute to the way you feel. Talk to your doctor the way you talk to us and allow yourself to be helped!
 
I hope your mother will get the help she needs to feel better!
 
My love and prayers are with you and your mother,
Edda

Peace and joy!

Dearest Sharon . . .
I heartily echo Edda's comments on this . . .
doing what you are thinking of doing is most certainly not inevitable.
I tell you Sharon,
that I was in that space some years ago,
and now,
looking back,
I can see what has been gained
through continuing to live . . .
I tell you this
from someone who has been there . . .
it is so hard to see the long view
but it is there
whether or not you can see it.
Don't just hang in there . . .
dispose of the thought of destroying yourself as an option,
because believe me,
it is no option
as cleverly disguised as it might be . . .
go to bed tonight,
get up tomorrow morning,
do what you have to do,
love your mother,
take Rye for a walk,
go to bed tomorrow night
and get up the next day.
You will see,
over time,
how one day leads to the next
and life continues
with both its joys and its sorrows,
and I promise you
if you do this,
some day you will raise your eyes
and you will say,
"yes, it has all been worth it
with much love" . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥

Hello dear Sharon,
 
I agree with everything Edda and Sparrow have said to you. Ending it all is NOT the answer, definitely. I know that, if you do as Sparrow says and keep going, one day you will look back and be glad you didn't make that decision for yourself. As Edda says, your low iron and other health problems will contribute to how you feel. Look after your health and it will look after you.
Taking Rye out for a walk is a good idea...you might even meet new friends that way. In my experience dog lovers like to talk to each other.
 
I'm very glad your mother is seeing her doctor again, if only to put her mind at rest, which I hope will be the case.
 
Lighting candles for you both and keeping you in my heart and thoughts,
 
Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon,

Let me echo what Edda, Sparrow and Jude have said so well - it´s what I feel and think, too. Please do listen to the positive thoughts you also have, not to those negative ones! It needs a lot of courage, but from all I know about you from your posts, you do have the strength to muster it up!

Caring for you, with much Love,
Juliana

"Speak Peace in a World of Conflict" (M.B.Rosenberg)

Dear Edda Sparrow Jude and Juliana
Thank you for your messages and I'm sorry I haven't been on here for a while. Edda I know you are right about getting rid of any tablets I have which I could use to harm myself it has been said before by doctors but I can't seem to do it. I don't know why I can't just throw them away and take away the means but its like I have to know they are there in case they are needed and if I did throw them away I would only buy more. Why can't I just be strong and do it but I am too weak. Sparrow I am sorry you were in that dark place once its not a nice place to be at all and I am glad you came out the other end and that you are happy you didn't give up. I wish I could look to the future but I can't see any future for myself and keep asking myself why am I still here and whats the point to life but so far I've not come up with any answers
I was at the hospital this afternoon to see my kidney consultant my kidney function has got worse again and my blood pressure was quite high even though I'm on tablets for it. So he wants the gp to keep an eye on my blood pressure as he said high blood pressure can affect the kidneys. I asked him how bad is my kidney function going to get and he said he doesn't know what they do know is my left kidney is all scarred and my right one has some scarring too its just a case of monitoring it with regular blood tests. I just feel like I'm living in limbo land not knowing whats going to happen and its not at all easy.
Mum is slowing getting better she is still having the pain in her back sometimes and sometimes severe pain. She saw her doctor last week and the doctor thinks the pain will go eventually. The pain is where the gp she saw who sent her to hospital heard a funny noise and the gp thinks that is where the infection has been. She is getting really fed up of been stuck in but the cold weather seems to make the pain worse so she hasn't been able to get out much at all.
love sharon

Dearest Sharon,
 
Good to hear from you! I am glad your mother is slowly improving. Yes, cold, wet weather doesn't help. It keeps my husband in as well. Most of us are literally "under the weather" at least from time to time. The weather is a universal topic of conversation.
 
I am glad you have seen your doctors. It is difficult to predict precisely how kidney disease might progress in an individual person. High bloodpressure certainly can damage the kidneys and this is something that can be controlled!
 
Please, do dispose of your pills. I really believe you can do it! At least put them out of sight into a place which is hard for you to get to. This would slow you down long enough for you to reconsider what you are tempted to do. They are not the solution!
 
I pray that you come to believe that you are the loving, caring person you are.
 
I think of you every day when I light a candle for you!
 
Much love,
Edda

Peace and joy!

They are not the solution!

 
Dear Sharon,
I truly believe that taking the pills is not the answer, so be strong and dispose of them. Taking them is certainly not being strong.
You've shown us that you are a strong woman. You can turn your life around.
Drink more water than anything else and that will help your kidneys.
 
Blessings to you and your mum. I'm pleased to hear she is improving. That is largely down to you caring about her.
 
With Love,
Jude

Love is the only way

Dear Sharon . . .
Your love and care I am sure,
has been an important thing in your mother's improvement.
She is fortunate to have such a daughter as you.
I pray that she will continue to improve
and the pain from the infection will eventually disappear.
 
You mention again the tablets . . .
it may seem disturbing to some
but for awhile
I carried a package of razor blades in the bottom of my purse.
When I was finally able to get rid of them,
I felt so free . . .
to realize I had made a commitment to life and light.
It did not make the urges go away for awhile,
and I knew I could go and buy another packet any time I wanted,
but the symbolism of the gesture
buoyed me in the dark times that followed.
It was one small step . . .
but it made a difference.
I hope that you too,
are soon able to take that one small step
with love . . .
sparrow

everything counts... ♥